Category: Words and Emotions

Have you ever wanted to ask someone for something but hesitated?

Examples include:

• Asking someone out on a date
• Asking someone to help you on a project
• Asking a co-worker for some needed information or for a report
• Asking a boss for a raise

We all have.  But, have you ever thought about why you hesitated?

While there could be many reasons, concerns, justifications, or ways in which you rationalized your not taking action, the underlying barriers to your not asking can be boiled down to two issues.

Before I lay these barriers out to you, however, let me give you some insight into the process of rationalization.  Rationalizing is a psychological defense mechanism which allows us to justify whatever action we take with “reasons” which, while we may accept them as sufficient to back up what we want to do, might not carry much weight or significance to a third, unbiased, observer.

Why is this? Well, while the correct spelling of the word is R-A-T-I-O-N-A-L-I-Z-E, the psychological spelling, or underlying process is R-A-T-I-O-N-A-L    L-I-E-S.

When you rationalize, or justify, an action you are taking, or something you are not doing, you may be manufacturing excuses or “lies” which appear to support the position you are taking.

Now, I am not saying that you are intentionally telling an untruth (a “real” lie), although you could be.  I am saying that the reasons you are giving yourself, when seriously analyzed, probably won’t hold up to examination.  Hence. I am calling them “lies”.

So, what are the two underlying barriers which result in your hesitation to ask for what you want and how do you get around them?

The first barrier to your asking for what you want is emotional.

The anxiety that you are feeling and experiencing as distress will stop you in your tracks.  Remember that anxiety is a future based emotion, the message of which is: There MAY be a threat out there and it MAY  “kill” me.  The word kill is in quotes because with anxiety, we aren’t talking about physical death but some outcome which we believe could be “disastrous”, unwelcome, or significantly damaging in some way.

The question that elicits anxiety as distress is: What if  A, B, and/or C happens? where “A”, “B”, and “C” are worst case scenarios. This is called “catastrophising”.  Inaction happens when we accept A, B, and/or C and the answer to this question as inevitable  and back-off to avoid the unwanted outcome.

The second underlying barrier to your not asking for what you want has to do with your self-image and is experienced as a sense of your own unworthiness.  You do not believe that you are either justified in asking for what you want or that you are worthy enough to have your request granted.

There are 4 questions which, when asked and answered by you, will enable you to overcome these barriers.

1. What is the worst that can happen if I do ask for what I want?
2.  If the worst happens, can I survive it?
3.  How will I benefit if the outcome I want happens?
4. Is the request I am making (or question I am asking) a valid, reasonable (given the situation), and appropriate (again, given the situation) request to make?

Questions 1 and 2 are designed to address the anxiety.  If you can identify the worst case scenario that underlies your anxiety and you can survive (however you define this word) the disaster you are envisioning, then you no longer need to be bullied by your anxiety. You may still feel some anxiety but it will not be overwhelming.

In the case of requesting something from someone, the unwanted “disaster” usually involves some form of rejection, either of you, personally, or of the issue you are raising.

And, the answer to the survival question should, in nearly all cases, be “yes”.

Following these questions, you can use your anxiety as a tool to motivate you to get the facts you need, do whatever preparation you might have to do, and think through your request, prior to approaching the person and making your request.

This is using anxiety as “eustress”.

Question 3 turns anxiety into its mirror emotion…  anticipation.  Anticipation is also a future oriented emotion and elicits the same energy as anxiety. Anticipation, however, looks ahead and envisions a desirable outcome. Since you want the outcome to occur, you are more motivated to make the request and ask for what you want.

Question 4 indirectly addresses the question of worthiness.  If the request you are making is valid, reasonable, and appropriate, then the request is its own justification for being asked.  You, as the “requester” become worthy by implication because the request is worthy.

Yes, I know that the question of self-worth is far more complicated than this, can impact your life in a multitude of ways, and could require professional help if it becomes a clinical issue but, in the case of hesitation as we are discussing, this usually is not what is taking place.

So, to wrap up, Questions 1 and 2 directly address the distress of the anxiety which may be a barrier to your asking for what you want and uses anxiety as a tool (eustress) to motivate you to prepare for action.

Question 3 turns anxiety into anticipation so you are motivated to take the action you have prepared yourself for.

Question 4 indirectly addresses the question of worthiness AND (as a bonus) can give you additional motivation to ask for what you want.

Thanks for reading and I welcome your comments.

 

 

In my last post, I introduced you to the atomic power of words to elicit feelings.  Feelings, in turn lead to behavior.  It is the connection between words feelings and actions which give words their power.

The downside of this relationship between words and actions is that the words we use can be misunderstood by others. Misunderstandings can elicit behavior we may not want.  Consequently, it is critical that we use words that are less likely to be misunderstood and, therefore, are more likely to generate the responses (behavior) we would like.

In this post, I want to address what I call “stop” words and replacing them with “go” words.

Stop words are words which when used tend to leave others feeling deflated, unmotivated and stuck. The same end result occurs when we use these words and direct them toward ourselves.

Go words are motivating.

It is important to note that the specific word you use is less important than how that word is interpreted on a feeling level.

Specific stop words are: “can’t” as in “I can’t…”, “problem” as in “We’ve got a problem.”, “should” as in “You (or I) should …” and so forth.

Let’s take the word “can’t”.  What we mean when we say we “can’t do something” is usually that we may see obstacles in the way of our accomplishing the task.  While there may be obstacles, the issue with the word “can’t” is that your brain may interpret the word as “impossible”.  If you say “I can’t do this.”, what you may feel is that it is impossible for you to do it.  If you truly were facing an impossible task that you felt compelled to overcome, you might get depressed, feel overwhelmed, stop trying, lose motivation and so forth.  When you tell yourself you “can’t” do something, you react as if the task facing you is, indeed impossible.

Another way around the word “can’t” which both acknowledges the difficulties the event you are facing represents and elicits a feeling of motivation is to say, “This situation is admittedly difficult but it is doable.”  “Doable” is a go word. Emotionally, your brain is satisfied that the situation has been correctly labelled as requiring great effort and you remain motivated because you believe you have the ability to persevere and overcome.

If you tell someone else they “can’t” do something or you are told that “you can’t do something”, the reaction you may get is defiance or resistance.  In this case, the word “can’t” is perceived as an unfair imposition of power and might elicit the emotion of anger.  The message of anger is that a threat is perceived that can be overpowered.  In trying to deal with a threat you view as “unfair”, you, or someone else such as your kid, may be motivated to rebel, look for ways to get around the imposition and so forth.

In both cases, the word “can’t” is a stop word because it impedes forward progress and weakens motivation.

I am not saying you can never use the word “can’t”.

I am saying that if you do use it, explain what you mean by looking at the obstacles that exist or the issues which prohibit another from taking a specific action.  You might say, “You can’t do this because…”

You get a similar reaction when you use the stop word “should” as in “I should go on a diet.” or “You should be more….”.  The initial reaction is resistance as in “Why?”, “Who is gonna make me?”, or “Who says.”  Think about your own reaction when someone like your doctor or your spouse tells you that you “should” do something like lose weight, stop smoking or exercise more you tell yourself that you should do something like your New Year’s Resolutions.

Another stop word is “problem” as in “We have a problem.”

I don’t know if you remember the movie Apollo 13 but it is a true story about an American crew whose space ship explodes.  While the crew is alright, their ship is severely disabled and there is a real possibility that they might not be able to get back to earth.  The captain of the mission, played by Tom Hanks, radios the command center back on earth and says,
“Houston, we have a problem.” In this case, the problem was a life threatening, potential disaster with no immediately obvious solution. The word “problem” implied potential catastrophe.

It is the emotional connotation of catastrophe that makes the word “problem” a  potential stop word.  Someone tells you that they have a “problem” or you tell yourself you “have a problem” and the emotional reaction is anxiety, disbelief, or, possibly, inadequacy.  The message of anxiety is that the situation you are facing might be a threat that might “kill” you.  The emotional behavior elicited by anxiety is stress or withdrawal.

Instead of labeling an event as a “problem”, you can call it a challenge or even a very difficult challenge. The word “challenge” is a go word. When facing a challenge, the emotion elicited might be excitement or enthusiasm, or motivated.  The ensuing behavior is solution focused activity designed to meet and beat the challenge.

When you are aware of the strong emotional impact that words can have on the behavior of others and on your own actions, you can begin to master the atomic power of words to motivate yourself and others. Stop words can result in inhibition, withdrawal, or resistance. You might want to avoid using stop words, replace them with go words or, when you do use them, provide a context in which the word you use makes sense and doesn’t elicit emotions and reactions you do not want.

I welcome your comments

The word emotion comes from a Latin word meaning to move.  Emotions have, over time, evolved to move us to action. As I discussed in the emotional cycle, the primary emotions of mad, sad, fear and disgust are primitive threat detectors which subconsciously alert us to and prepare our bodies to react to a threat which could have a negative impact on us if not addressed.  We manage an emotion when we validate it, adjust our arousal level and stop the initial emotional reaction before we act on it.

We go beyond emotional management to emotional mastery when we assess the nature of the emotion, decide if the emotion does, indeed, match the situation in which we find ourselves, and choose how we want to respond to that situation.  If the emotion matches the situation, we choose to let the emotion motivate us to take effective action.  If we have misperceived the situation and the emotion does not match what is happening, we can choose to change our perception of the situation and let the emotion subside.

With this in mind, I want to make you aware of what I call the atomic power of the words you use to generate feelings (same as emotions) which in turn motivate you to take specific actions. We master the power of words when we are aware of the emotions specific words can elicit and choose the words we use to match the situation we wish to create.

Most of us spend too little time thinking about the words we use both in our conversations with others and in our “conversations” with ourselves. All communication starts with an idea that you may have which you attempt to put into words. The challenge is that we try to compress the multifaceted picture we have into a static, often oversimplified word. The person to whom we are speaking has to decode the word using his, or her, own set of filters hoping to recreate the same “picture” we originally encoded in the words we use.  Use the word “breakfast” as an example. Maybe you are thinking of an American meal steak and eggs and someone else is thinking about a continental meal of yogurt and pastries.  Same word… different pictures.

Oftentimes, the other person does not accurately decode our message.  This leads to a misunderstanding which can elicit emotions we did not intend and would rather avoid.

By the way, because words can be misunderstood, you need to be careful when you send a text, a letter, or an email to another person like a boss. You may know what you want to say but what that other person “hears” is very different.  The emotions your words elicit in that other person may be very different, and sometimes detrimental, than what you intended to convey.

There are words which leave you, or someone else, feeling excited, energized, and ready to act.  These words are motivating and move us forward.  I call these “go” words.

There are other words which leave you feeling turned off, overwhelmed, unexcited and stuck.  I call these “stop” words.

There are other words which can have unintended effects.  One example is when a parent tells a child, “You should be ashamed of yourself.” We will talk about this is a future post.

Because we often only “see” what we intend to communicate, we may miss other ways our words can be interpreted. When this happens, the atomic power of the word can backfire.

We will talk more about “stop” words in the next post.