Holiday rage: Where does it come from and what you can do about it.

This is a republication of a post I originally wrote last year.  I have updated and republished it here because you are most likely in the middle of your “Holiday Season” and this information might be useful to you.

If you think someone else might benefit from it, send them the link.

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The upside of the holidays is that most of us are in a festive mood with all the decorations, the music, the food, getting together with family, and so forth.

But, there is a darker side of holiday feelings. This darker side can include feelings of extreme anger (or rage), feelings of depression, and so forth.

In this article, I will address holiday rage.

During this season, we may find ourselves scurrying around to do last minute tasks (get somewhere or do something) and someone (or something) wrongly gets in the way and thwarts our efforts to accomplish our goals.

When we in a hurry, we may feel stressed and outside of our comfort zone (the place where things are going along as they should be).  When stressed, the threshold at which we get angry is lowered.

Note the words in italics.  “Scurrying” implies that you are under some pressure and “wrongly” implies that the person or thing that is blocking your goals is doing so intentionally. “as they should be (going)” implies that we are less in control of our and what is happening to us.

Let’s look at each of these “issues” and see how they relate to increased anger.

Scurrying

When you are “scurrying”, you are already in a heightened state of arousal.  In other words, you are on an emotional edge. This sensitizes you to (and amplifies or magnifies) any possible impediment (or threat) to your goals.

This magnification is similar to what happens when you speak into a microphone.  The amplifier attached to the mic takes your voice and makes it louder.

Because you are in a hurry, behind schedule, over-scheduled, late, or just trying to do too much at one time, you are overly focused on your immediate goal and you will tend to perceive anything (or anybody) who gets in the way of your goal as not only a threat but, because of your heightened state of arousal, as a mega threat.

Remember that the message of anger is that you perceive a threat that you believe you can eliminate if you throw enough force at it.

Consequently, you will tend to get very angry and energized to overpower the mega threat which is impeding your completing the task at hand. Notice the implication of the italicized words. The arousal of your hurrying about magnifies your perception of threat and amplifies the arousal of your anger.

The slow line, poorly written instructions, or distracted clerk which under “normal” conditions would elicit a feeling of frustration or mild upset, now elicits extreme anger or rage.

Wrong and intentional.

To see another person’s actions as both wrong and intentional will always push your anger button. In fact, the element of intentionality is a key component of anger that is often overlooked.

As an example.. you are walking down the street and someone forcefully bumps into you.  Your initial reaction might be to “push back”.  If the person apologizes or if the person is visually (or otherwise) impaired, the “bump” is now viewed in a very different context and there is no anger.

Or, if the actions of another are viewed as inappropriate but not as intentionally attempting to hurt or damage you in any way, you might feel annoyed but you don’t escalate into anger.

So, if someone makes you late by intentionally taking your parking place or cutting in line, the inadequate instructions prove that the company doesn’t give a rip or care about you, the end-user, or the distracted clerk is only there for the money, is poorly trained, or would rather be somewhere else, they are a mega-threat and your anger is completely justified to nullify the threat.

Again, notice the implication of the italicized words.

The way things should be..

This implies that you have a model of your world in your head which you may or may not be aware of.

Your model might involve wishful thinking along the lines of “I wish the lines would be shorter.” This is experienced as The lines should be shorter! It isn’t right that the lines are this long! or All these people are making it more difficult for me to get my shopping done!

The discrepancy between your model and reality may be perceived as a threat which can then elicit anger.

So, what can you do about it?

There are four actions you can take:

  1. take a breath
  2. Assess the nature of the threat, your model of the “world” and whether or not a real threat exists.
  3. Think about what could happen if you react in the way you are just about ready to do.
  4. Choose an appropriate response.

Take a breath.

The first step when you are dealing with any of the threat detecting emotions (anger, sadness, fear, disgust, anxiety) is to take a breath. Taking a breath lowers your arousal and gives you some psychological distance between you and the threat.  The few seconds or that you gain give you an opportunity to assess the nature of the threat and your options.

Note: If you are experiencing fear (not anxiety), you always want to escape from the situation.

The second step is to assess the nature of the threat and your model of the world.  Perhaps your model of what should be happening is inaccurate given your timing, the nature of the situation in which you find yourself, and so forth.

Thirdly, think about the the actions you are contemplating doing.  This is really a cost-benefit analysis.

Some examples:

Stolen parking place…

Is it really worth risking an accident to try and get that parking space? Probably not. Yes, it should have been your space but there is no “mega-threat” as you can find another.  What if you stop your car and cuss out the other driver and you get into an argument? Now, not only has a scene been created but you will be delayed even more.

To illustrate this, I remember years ago when I got a speeding ticket and went to driving school.  The instructor made a comparison on the board between speeding and getting a ticket.  He noted that speeding might save me maybe 10 minutes on my arrival.  If I got a ticket, the time it would “cost” me to deal with the cop would be more than the time I would save by speeding.  Other costs included fines (if any) time spend in driving school and so forth.  The cost-benefit analysis of speeding clearly showed that the benefits did not outweigh the costs.

Person cuts in line…

You can say something to the person who cut in line.  However, if you approach this person with all the energy of your heightened arousal, the reaction you get might not be the apology you deserve but an aroused angry over-reaction. Is it worth it to get into an argument when an apology would restore the situation?   Probably not.

Poorly written instructions for the toy you are trying to put together at 11:00 PM…

well, I have been there and done that. And, no, getting angry at the company, the person with inadequate writing skills, or the editor accomplished nothing.  I still had to do the best I could to figure out what I needed so I could build the bicycle and get it under the tree.

I think you get the idea.

If someone directs their anger is at you..

The process is similar to the that outlined above.  The only difference is that when someone directs their anger at you, you need to take a breath to lower your arousal so that you don’t react and, remembering that he sees you as a mega-threat, apologize for any misunderstanding (not for doing something wrong). You can then ask him how you can help to make things right.

The exception to the above is if you feel fear in the presence of someone directing their anger at you.  If this is the case, walk away.

So, my suggestion is that you enjoy all the great feelings that the holiday season elicits and be alert to anger if you experience it.  Master the anger so that it doesn’t escalate and potentially ruin your holiday.

I address the emotion of anger directly in my Amazon best selling book Beyond Anger Management: Master Your Anger as a Strategic Tool.

Have a great holiday and I welcome your comments.

 

Questions to ask when you get angry

I have a neighbor who works in “construction”.  The other day, I was trying to build something in my  garage and my neighbor came over and was watching what I was doing.  After a short while, he commented, “Let me loan you a tool which will make your job easier.”  He did loan me the tool  and the tool simplified my project.

There is always a right tool for the job. If you have it, the job is much easier.  If not, the job doesn’t get done or you improvise.  Have you ever used a shoe as a hammer?  You get the idea.

All of you reading this have a tool available to you that will help you deal more effectively with your own emotions (including anger) and the emotions of other.

That tool is the ability to formulate important and focused questions.

Let’s take a look at some of the characteristics of questions.

  1. Questions innately call for answers.

When we ask a question, our brain automatically goes into “answer mode” and seeks the information the question is addressing.

By the way, you can use this link between question and answer to your advantage.  When I was in grad school and a paper was assigned for the next class, my roommate would work on the paper until 12 or  1 o’clock and would then go to bed.  I would stay up until the paper was done.

At 4 or 5 0’clock, he would wake up and type out the paper.  It drove me crazy.  I did not realize until much later that his brain was working on the paper while he slept and all he had to do when he woke up was download the information.

I have used this strategy for years to write articles, speaches and book chapters.   It takes some practice and some faith that it will work, but you can do it.

While it is nice to use our brains and the questions we ask to solve challenges we face and compose articles, there is an underlying element to questions you need to be aware of.

Because the question sets up the parameters of the information or answers you get, you won’t get  quality detailed answers if you ask inadequate questions

Put another way, do you really want to have the information your question is seeking?

Let me give you an example.

Have you ever made a mistake and asked yourself: “How could I  be so stupid (emphasis added)?”  Do you really want to know about your (implied) stupidity?   Probably not.

Or, do you really want to know: What can I do to prevent a similar (mistake) in the future?

2. It is important to note that nearly all the behavior we observe in others or in ourselves is an implicit (or unasked) answer to an (often) unacknowledged question.

As an example, when you get angry and lash out at someone, the implicit question is: “What do I need to do to eliminate the threat that is facing me?”  Your actions are your answer to that question.

The questions you ask and the words you use will have an impact on the emotional response you get to the question.

As an example, in response to someone’s inappropriate behavior toward you, is there a different response to the question, “What is his problem?” verses “What is he trying to accomplish here and what are the challenges  he is facing?”

I think you get the idea.

In seeking to resolve conflicts involving anger, the goal is to, as much as possible, adopt a nonbiased, non-defensive, solution-seeking mindset.

With this orientation, you can formulate questions designed to help you gain a better understanding of what is eliciting (not causing) your anger, gain some insight into your behaviorial response and its effectiveness, and create an outlook which can facilitate a successful (win/win) resolution to the interaction between you and another person and improve your relationship with that person.

This approach is also effective if you are dealing with someone elce’s anger.

Questions leading up to your own anger

  • What is the nature of the threat?
  • How valid is my perception of threat?
  • What assumptions am I making about the other person and might they be inaccurate?
  • How else could I think about this situation?
  • Will the action I am motivated to take by the emotion I’m experiencing deal with the threat or am I, perhaps, over or underreacting to the threat?
  • What response can I choose to take to adaptively deal with the perceived threat?

Questions after your anger is displayed?

  • How effective was my display of anger in dealing with the threat?
  • Did I get the response I was expecting?
  • Was my anger appropriate for the situation?
  • What went right with my anger?
  • What went wrong?
  • Did I misperceive the nature of the threat?
  • Did I miscalculate the amount of force you needed to deal with the threat?
  • Was my message misunderstood, misinterpreted or ignored?
  • What can I do differently to get a more adaptive response to my anger?

Someone else’s anger

I wrote  three part series of posts entitled “You are the target of someone else’s anger.”  which covered this topic in great detail.  You can get to these posts by clicking the February and March 2017 tabs in the archives.

The short version is that you can get a better understanding of this other individual by analyzing his anger.

Some relevant questions to gain understanding.

  • What is the nature of the threat that he perceived as he interacted with me?
  • Did he correctly interpret something I did?
  • Did he misunderstand what I was doing or saying?
  • Did he want me to give him some space (put me on notice)?

Some important questions to determine your response.

  • What is my goal in this interaction?
  • What is the best way to communicate with him in this situation?
  • If I was “wrong”, how can I effectively apologize?
  • If I did nothing wrong, how can I help him understand what I have done?
  • If I can’t directly deal with this person because of his “superior” authority, power, or potential to “harm” me, how can I safely accomplish my goals with “indirect” action?

When you ask the right question, you are more likely to get an answer which will lead to an effective response that will help you address the perceived threat.  The anger you experience will then be resolved and will no longer be needed.

I welcome your comments.