Month: April 2019

In the last post, I discussed relationship tips #1 and #2.

Tip #1: Master your emotions.

Tip #2:Master their emotions.                ______________________________________

In this post, I will start with Tip #3.

Tip #3: Remember and apply the Basic Relationship Rule

Remember and apply the Basic Relationship Rule

The Basic Relationship Rule is a lens through which we can take a closer look at, and begin to understand, what is going on in our relationships.

This basic rule, or formula, applies to all relationships.

Mastering the Basic Relationship Rule can help you both gain insight into and understand what motivates others and how you can positively impact the actions of other participants in the relationship.

What is the Basic Relationship Rule?

                Everyone always does the best they can given their model of the world and their skill sets.

• Everyone: Every participant in the relationship including you and the other person.
• Always: The assumption is that, if the action is personally meaningful, each person will default to an action that will be maximally productive in the situation.
• Best: The best they can do in the moment. Not the best possible.
• Model: Their personal perception of the current event.
• Skill sets: The behaviors they can use to deal with the situation.

The basic relationship rule sets a standard for how you view the actions of another individual within the context of your relationship with that person. 

The basic relationship rule is intended to help you avoid judging the actions of another participant in the relationship so that you can validate and understand the behavior you are observing. It does not require that you condone or accept the other person’s behavior as appropriate.

• judging: labeling the behavior in such a way that eliminates further understanding and can exacerbate any problems which might exist in the relationship. Judging the behavior of another person in a relationship can effectively end any further constructive interactions. 
• validate: accept as their best, at the moment, NOT the best possible.
• understand: gain some insight into the behavior you are observing.
• condone, accept and appropriate: imply a set of standards that can, if necessary, be applied later to the behavior

Validating  helps you maintain the relationship, if this is your choice, while you devise a plan to intervene and facilitate any changes which might improve the relationship.

Validating also allows you to continue to accept the other person while you might not accept their behavior.

Understanding can provide some direction in choosing an intervention.

How do you apply the Basic Relationship Rule?

Something is perceived to be “wrong” in a relationship when the person with whom we are interacting either does something that doesn’t seem right or fails to do something we think they “should” be doing.

In other words, you believe that a rule or an expectation has been violated.

It is important to point out that when a relationship isn’t working, the issue could involve the behavior of one or both participants.  Therefore, as you continue reading, please keep in mind that the basic relationship rule might have to be applied to either your behavior, the actions of another person, or both.

Violating an explicit rule.

If the rule that you believe is being violated is explicit, you may have an “absolute” (published in some form such as a policy or agreement) standard to which you can refer.

But not always.

There can be a difference of opinion regarding how the rule is applied. As an example, one person may see an action that is taken such as asking a colleague “out for a drink” as complying with policy while the colleague may see it as a boundary violation.

Violating an implicit rule.

If the rule is implicit, the issue is more complex as the perceived violation could be due to ignorance (vs ignoring) the rule. 

Whatever is happening, we conclude that something is wrong and we want to correct it.  

The Basic Relationship Rule gives you some guidelines to help you understand what is going on in the relationship and what changes you might begin to explore making.

Let’s unpack the Basic Relationship Rule.

best–what they believe will enable them to effectively handle the situation they are facing.  It isn’t the best possible but the best they can do in the moment. Their choice of what to do involves the context, their model of the world and their skill sets. 

The assumption here is that each participant wants a particular result from the relationship and is, therefore, motivated to use the most effective (or best) approach they have to accomplish the desired result. 

If there was a better approach, about which they were aware, they would use it.

model of the world — encompasses their understanding of the rules that apply to the relationship including what is “okay”, what will “work”, what they can “get away with”, and/or the way things “should be”.

skill sets –this is the behavior that the individual brings to the situation and includes how they handle emotions and their level of self-control (intrapersonal skills), how they interact with others (interpersonal skills), any training one has had such as assertion training, and what has(or has not) been productive in the past.

Applying the basic relationship rule:

Model of the world:

Looking into how others perceive their relationship with you gives you an opportunity to look at how they perceive you and the situation.  Perhaps, their actions reflect a misunderstanding of something you have done or said, how they perceive themselves relative to you, or how they understand what is “appropriate” within the context of the current relationship.  If this is the case, helping them change their perceptions may alleviate the challenge to the relationship.

One example might be a co-worker who violates a “personal boundary”. This boundary might be a physical boundary, an ethical boundary, or a rule violation. The questions to ask yourself involving his model of the world include:

• Is he being aggressive and ignoring the “rules”?
• Has he misunderstood something you said or did?
• Is he unfamiliar with the rules?
• Is his model unjustified or is this a skill set issue where in he just does not know how to say what he wants?

Another example might be a police officer who is “rude”. The questions to ask yourself involving his model of the world include:

• Have I done something which “pushed his buttons”?
• How likely is it that his behavior is based on other experiences he has had today or in his past?
• Regardless of the basis for his actions, what is my best course of action to take?

Skill sets:

Looking at a person’s behavior as the “best” they can do leaves you open to exploring whether the actions of another comes about because, if their model is accurate, they don’t know any other more appropriate way to handle the situation. Perhaps, they need to  acquire new skills. If this is the case, then educating them about their actions and the consequence of the choices they have made and suggesting alternatives may be all that is needed.

If you decide that the behavior you are seeing is, indeed, the best, they are capable of, then, perhaps, the relationship needs to “end”. An example might be a friend or family member who is addicted to drugs and who tends to be agitated and defensive in their interactions with you.  All your efforts to help them change have  been unsuccessful and the relationship is taking its toll on you. You might decide to continue “loving” them and to be “available” if they choose to change but to keep your distance from them.

Tip #4: Shoot for a win/win but settle for a compromise

In both this and the last post, I have attempted to offer suggestions regarding how you might intervene to improve a relationship that your emotions inform you is negatively impacted by the behavior of the other person in the relationship.If a win/win is too difficult to obtain, then work toward a compromise.

This final tip looks at your goal in deciding what actions to take to bring about the changes you might seek to facilitate.

Initially, I am suggesting that you seek a solution that is “win-win”.  This is an outcome in which you and the other person end up getting what you want out of the relationship.  If, for example, the other person is angry with you (or you with them), then the emotion suggests that one of you perceives the other as a threat.  A win-win solution would involve the resolving the perceived threat so that both of you believe that your needs in the relationship have been effectively satisfied.

While this is the optimum solution, it is often difficult to accomplish.  It is, however, often doable and should, therefore, be your initial goal.

When the needs of both participants are beyond reach, your option is then to seek, and settle for, a compromise.  Too often, it is a compromise that we seek and we miss the possibility of the more difficult to achieve “win-win”.

If a compromise is the best you can achieve, then that is what you go for.

There is, however, a caveat here.  If the behavior that is problematic in a relationship involves a core belief, then compromising might not be an option.

An example I used when I was working with incarcerated young women was this.  If a male attempted to touch them inappropriately and they indicated that a non-negotiable boundary had been violated, if the male came back and said “Okay, let’s compromise, let me touch you (there).”  The answer would still be “no” and compromise would not be a viable option.  The boundary should be defended.

Seeking a “win-win” where possible leaves open the possibility of “falling back” to a compromise.  If you initially seek a compromise, that is the best you will ever accomplish and you might miss an opportunity for a better outcome.

If you are registered with the blog, please leave a comment as I would very much like to know what you think about what I have written.

In my earlier posts, I defined what a relationship is, listed three categories of relationships and addressed the four attributes of a relationship.

In the next two posts, I will address 4 tips which will help you apply what you have learned so far about relationships and give you some suggestions about how you might choose to intervene if you want to improve a relationship that is “working”  or change a relationship that is dysfunctional. 

The four tips are:

1. Master Your Emotions
2. Master Their Emotions
3. Remember and apply the Basic Relationship Rule
4. Shoot for a win/win but settle for a compromise

I will discuss tips 1 and 2 in this post and tips 3 and 4 in the next post.

Relationship tips 1 and 2:

Tip #1: Master Your Emotions

Because I have written several posts dealing with emotions and emotional mastery, this section will only cover mastering your emotions in the context of relationships.  As a reminder, you can access all of my previous posts by clicking the Index tab above.

There are two reasons why mastering your emotions is the first tip.  The first reason emphasizes the importance of relying on your emotions to alert you to your surroundings and the possibility that something isn’t right in your relationship.  Accurately  perceiving your interactions with others is critical to maintaining or improving the relationship that you have.

The second reason emphasizes the importance of lowering your arousal level so that you can clearly assess the nature of the possible problem and focus on an effective response. If your arousal level is too high, you are more likely to react and possibly escalate the situation than to respond and move forward.

The Anger Mastery cycle illustrates, using anger as an example, how the emotional mastery cycle works. The link, by the way, takes you to a downloadable copy of the Anger Mastery Cycle.

 We all constantly scan our surroundings for any possible threat.  When a threat is perceived, an emotion is elicited which alerts us to our initial perception of what is happening to us. Our emotions then evoke a behavioral reaction.

Your emotions, therefore, are your window on the world.  They are your “early warning system”.  Your emotions alert you to how you perceive what is going on around you and prepare you to deal with whatever you see that “isn’t right”. This alert is the function of the emotion.  The content of the alert is the message of the emotion.

Our emotions may communicate that:

• we do not like what we see (upset, frustrated, displeased, disappointed),
• we perceive a current threat (anger),
• we see a possible future threat (anxiety), or
• we are aware of a need to move away from the interaction (disgust or fear).

Or,

• when a relationship is “working” and is relatively free of complicating issues, our emotions inform us that we want to stay in the relationship (happy, content, satisfied) and we tend to just “go with the flow”.  

This “communication” is the message of the emotion.

Emotional mastery includes: 

• managing your emotional arousal level so that you don’t escalate an interaction and
• validating the emotion to give it credibility
• assessing the message of the emotion against the situation
• using the message of the emotion to choose an effective response

Most of you have probably heard of emotional management (as in anger management.) Mastery exceeds managing an emotion and involves both understanding what the emotion tells you about how you are viewing the situation and using that information to assess your perception.  Finally, mastering an emotion involves choosing an effective response  (based on your assessment) which will lead to a better outcome (in whatever situation you find yourself).

In the context of a relationship, when you “feel” that something isn’t right, your first step is to take a deep breath.  This lowers your arousal so that you do not react to the perceived violation.

Too often, when we believe we have been “wronged”, we want to lash out, or react. This is not recommended because, while our initial perception may be correct, we might also have misunderstood. It is, therefore, preferable to respond to the situation rather than react.

When our emotions inform us that there is a “problem” with a relationship, we start looking for ways we can “work things out”, “make things better”, “come to an understanding”, and so forth.

Mastering our emotions involves learning to stay emotionally cool while still validating the emotion, assessing the situation to see if it does, indeed, match the emotion, and then using the energy that the emotion gives us to choose how we want to respond to the violation we “feel” has occurred. 

Tip #2: Master Their Emotions

Tip #1 advised you to master your own emotions so that you can lower your arousal level, validate the message of the emotion you are experiencing and respond rather than react to a perceived threat.  That you would master your own emotions makes sense because you can directly impact what you feel.

That you would attempt to master the emotions of another person is less intuitively satisfying and doesn’t seem to make any sense. 

Until it does!

Think about it for a moment.  Your goal in a relationship is to make the relationship work.  The threat you perceive is negatively impacting your interaction with another person and eliciting (not causing) your emotion.

This is also the case for the person or people you are interacting with.

While it is true that you can’t directly impact what another person feels, knowing how the emotional process works gives you an opportunity to indirectly impact their emotions by helping them alter how they perceive you and what is going on between you.

Here are the key steps to mastering another person’s emotions…

• The emotion you are observing in the other person, and the message that emotion communicates to you, gives you insight into how that individual perceives you and their interaction with you.
• Understanding this perception allows you to implement the emotional mastery cycle and validate their emotion. Remember that validation does not mean acceptance.  So, you can say something like, “I can see that you are (angry, annoyed, frustrated, etc.))
• You can then assess the nature of the perceived threat by checking out the basis for the threat by asking for clarification regarding what you might have done which led to their perception of you as (a threat, an obstacle, uncaring, rude etc).
• You can then, if appropriate, apologize for any misunderstanding.  Be aware that you are not admitting guilt here. You are only acknowledging that something you did might have been misunderstood.
• You can, then, choose how you will interact with them and seek a resolution by clarifying what you did, asking for additional input from the other person and so forth.

Note that when you validate their emotions, apologize, and ask for clarification,  you are facilitating their changing how they perceive you which should help them lower their own arousal and be more open to anything you might have to say.  This is the key to mastering their emotions.  You are not doing anything to directly impact what the feel and the behavior that feeling evokes but you are using the message of the emotion to help them change their perceptions.

Once you have implemented tip #1 and  both lowered your own arousal level and understood your perception of what is going on in the relationship and you have implemented tip #2 to help the other person lower their arousal level so that they are more open to interacting with you, you can begin to gain some additional understanding into their actions by implementing tip #3.

The next post discusses tip #3 and tip #4.