Blog – The Emotions Doctor

Regret: An emotion I misunderstood. Until Now. A Reprint (as promised). And..Happy T-Day

Note: As I noted in my last post, this is a reprint of a post in which I discussed in detail how to master the emotion of regret.

7/13/22

Regret is an emotion that, like anger, has gotten a lot of bad press.

The image we often see is of a tattoo on a buffed arm that reads “No Regrets”.

Or, if you are into humor…”No Regerts”.

In a new book, Daniel Pink writes about the emotion of regret and notes that when you ask people if they have regrets, they will answer that they do not. If, however, you ask them if there are things they did (or failed to do) that they wish they had done differently, they will say “yes”.

This is, in fact, the essence of regret.

The message of regret is, indeed, that you either did something, or failed to take some action, that led to an outcome that you strongly wish had progressed differently than it did.

This could involve an action you took such as

selling the stock just before it split and hit a new high
losing a bunch of money because you got scammed
“acting-out” and destroying an important relationship

It could be a missed opportunity to..

get an education
tell someone you loved them before they died
reestablish a relationship that ended badly
start a business
buy that house

You get the idea.

The emotion of regret is often labelled as a negative emotion because it hurts.

An example from my own life..

When I was in graduate school, I was home for vacation and my mom was taken to the hospital. I had visited her in the hospital and was going to visit her a second time. I was outside the hospital in my car and decided that I would run an errand and then go and visit her. She died while I was on my errand and I was both not there for her and unable to say my final good-byes.

It is important to note that the “errand” was not at all critical.

I, maladaptively, held on to my regret for many years.

I’ll explore my regret in this situation below.

My issue with regret stemmed from my belief that the emotion could only lead to a downward spiraling rabbit hole from which there was no escape.

My self-talk regarding my mom went like this…

I screwed up. I was not there for my mom in her moment of need.
My actions led to a bad situation which I can’t change. She died and I will never be able to comfort her and tell her how much I loved her.
I should have made a different decision. I knew that the errand was not significant but I “bought” my rationalization. I acted in a cowardly manner.
My actions will always haunt me because I can’t change what I did.
There must be something wrong with me that led me to screw up. I was in grad school and knew about rationalization. I did not acknowledge my own inability to cope with my mom dying. I should have acted differently.
I screwed up because I was unable to deal with my anxiety. I will always be haunted by my guilt because there is no way for me to make it right.

Experiencing an emotional maelstrom involving self-criticism (guilt), self-denigration (shame) and being stuck (regret) was horrible. But, it is exactly this negative emotional soup that is associated with the emotion of regret and that gives it its bad reputation.

As a Psychologist with the Youth Authority, I had 5 young incarcerated women all of whom had killed their children. I need to say upfront that while I always maintained that they were responsible for their actions, I needed to help them deal with their regret so that I could help them grow and develop into healthy adults once they left the institution.

In order to help them and deal with my own regret, I developed and embraced the idea of IWBNI which allowed me and my clients to “eliminate” the emotion of regret by approaching the event as an IWBNI (It Would Be Nice If).

Viewing what I did through the lens of an IWBNI solved two issues which, to me, embodied the worst aspects of regret..

We (My clients and I) screwed up.
There was nothing that could be done to make it right.

How IWBNI works.

Noting that “It would be nice if” the (screw-up) had never happened…

tacitly acknowledges and validates that it DID happen
detaches the “screw-up” from any attached self-recrimination
puts the undesired outcome both in perspective and in the past
allows us to acknowledge and move past whatever was done and the negative outcome it elicited and
allows us to learn from our actions.

While using IWBNI’s, per se, is still a viable and effective approach to events which elicit regret, I now believe that regret ought to be considered a valid emotion that can be mastered like any other emotion.

I’ll explain.

I paid too little attention to the learning potential of regret and it is this potential that is the key to using regret as a strategic emotional tool.

It is important to note here that there are two categories of regrettable actions.

Actions you have no opportunity to change.
Actions you can do something to reverse the past and create a new outcome.

Category 2 was easy. If I could change my future behavior, great, regret could be strategically deployed as motivating me to avoid future similar screw-ups.

I, however, had viewed the emotion of regret only in terms of the first category.

Indeed, if you could not do anything to change, or reverse, what happened, I reasoned that you were powerless regarding the focus of your regret and, therefore, your only choice was to validate the emotion, accept your actions, and move on.

To put it another way, the emotion of regret informed me that I screwed up. Okay. But, it also reminded me that there was nothing I could do to change what I’d done. Therefore, there was nothing to learn. Consequently, regret could not be strategically deployed.

I was mistaken.

My epiphany about regret was that you could, indeed, learn from both categories of situations.

And, to the extent that you could learn from your actions, regret could become an emotion you could master.

To utilize regret as a strategic tool, there are 4 steps…

Acknowledgment— IWBNI
Context —The BRR
Compassion and Understanding—Self-forgiveness
Consolidation and Moving on—List of what you learned

Step #1 Acknowledgment

As I discussed above, viewing what you regret through the IWBNI lens allows to acknowledge and validate the situation without judgement. You may still judge yourself and I will address that below. The IWBNI, per se, simply acknowledges what happened and the truth that you wish it had not happened without any inherent placement of blame.

Once you have acknowledged the situation and your actions, you are ready to progress to step #2 which involves understanding what you did.

Step #2 The Basic Relationship Rule (BRR)

As I have discussed in other posts, the BRR states that everyone in every situation does the best they can given their Model of the World and their skill sets.

While I don’t have room here to go into the BRR in depth, its relevance to the emotion of regret is that you now have a context to understand the actions you took that you now regret. What was your understanding about your situation, the perspective you took in the situation and the resources you had available to you to deal with that situation?

Now that you have acknowledged and gains some insight into what you did, you are ready for step #3 which involves compassion.

Step #3 Compassion

In step #3, you approach yourself as you would a good friend who did something you did not like. You express compassion toward yourself and you forgive yourself for what you did.

Self-forgiveness, like forgiving others, does not mean justifying what you did or letting yourself off the hook, per se, for the regrettable actions you took. Self-forgiveness simply communicates that it did happen and self-blame is no longer needed.

You can let go of your judgement.

Now that your actions have been acknowledged, understood and removed from self-blame, you are ready for step #4.

Step 4 Consolidation and Moving on

The final step involves listing what you have learned about your actions and making a plan to act differently should a similar situation arise (if this is possible) or if a situation that resembles (in any way) what originally took place happens again.

This is you consolidating what regret has painfully reminded you that you to do.

Once you have consolidated what you have learned, you are ready to move on.

What did I learn from my regret?

Whenever I am in a situation in which I know I need to act but I do not or I rationalize, I will step back, take a deep breath, reassess what is actually going on and what I am trying to avoid, and do what I know needs to be done.

I have mastered my regret.

Indeed, I still regret not going up to my mom’s room to be with her in her last moments on earth but I do not feel guilt and, in several situations, I have taken action I might otherwise have avoided because it didn’t feel absolutely right.

And, now that you’ve mastered regret, turn your attention to Gratitude as tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I am grateful for (among many other things) all of you, my readers, and wish all of you A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

What is the best way to stay calm in the situation when you are going to burst out your anger?

Note: This is a reprint of a response I made to a question that was directed to me by a reader on the website Quora.com.

In my response, I ..

noted that the issue for this reader is “maintaining” calm and that was a good start
reviewed what anger, as an emotion, is and its message
provided two strategies for staying calm and how to implement them
stressed the need to practice these strategies at home using your mind before they are needed and described how to “do” this practice.

My response…

You say that you want to stay calm before you burst.

This tells me that you are already controlling your anger so that you do not go off the deep end. That you can do this is a good thing and it protects you.

Before I go further, let me say that it may be in your best interest to just leave the situation, calm down, and come back to it later.

That being said, there may be situations in which you need to take action. For these interactions, what you want to learn is how to manage your anger so that it works for you and you can use the energy it gives you to correct a negative situation.

While you do not discuss the situation in which you experience your anger, I will assume that there is a real threat to you that you are reacting to that needs your attention.

Let me give you some background information so you understand what anger is and what happens to you when get angry. I will then give you some suggestions you can use to help you manage your anger so that you can do what you need to and deal with the situation.

Anger is one of the 5 basic emotions (mad, sad, glad, fear and disgust) that humans have had since time began. The job of anger is to prepare us to fight off threats that will harm us if not dealt with. When we were living in caves, these threats were always real and usually were life threatening. When angry, adrenalin is released into the body and prepares us for battle by giving us the energy we need to overpower our adversary

Fast forward to the 21st century.

Today, anger acts on you the same way that it did for Mr. Caveman.

Your anger tells you that you perceive a threat to you. Today, unlike for our ancestors, most threats are not survival based. They are threats to our ego, our sense of right and wrong, our values and so forth.

The bursting sensation you experience suggests you are over-energized. You recognize the presence of a threat and you have an idea about how to deal with the situation but are overwhelmed by your own and, possibly, the other person’s display of emotion.

With the above in mind, let’s take a look at what you can do.

The suggestions I will be making sound simple to do and they are.

However, they will not be easy to do in the situation when you are angry. This is the mistake that many writers make.

The writer offers a strategy. The reader tries to implement the strategy. Nothing changes. The reader feels more frustrated.

There are two strategies which will work in your situation.

The first is to take a deep breath as soon as you become aware of your anger (not when you are at the bursting point).

There are two reasons for taking a deep breath.

The first is that the deep breath relaxes you physically and lowers your arousal (level of energy). If you need to take several deep breaths, that is okay.

Remember, I noted above that you tend to get over-energized in angry situations. The deep breath helps to counter this,

The second reason is that the breath gives you a few seconds to collect your thoughts. Your thoughts (perceptions) are what create the anger in the first place.

The next thing you need to do is attempt to asses the nature of the threat. If you know what you want to say or do in your situation, you have already begun to do this. This helps you with your anger.

You can also take a moment to assess the nature of the threat the other person may see in the situation.

There are two reasons for assessing the nature of the perceived threat (both yours and theirs).

1) When you think about the threat, you give yourself a few moments to “calm down” a bit further and plan your response.

Note: You are not becoming less angry. You are simply letting some of the energy go so you can take effective action.

As an analogy, when you are in your car, you slow down just enough to get around the curve. Too much speed, you get in an accident. You don’t stop the car, you just drop the level of energy (speed, in this case) to remain effective.

2) Thinking about your adversary’s perception of threat gives you an advantage in that it helps you manage your own anger by giving you some awareness of where their anger is coming from so you don’t take it personally and helps you deal with him or her.

If you can’t figure out what their threat is, this is okay. You can still manage your own anger.

It is possible that you may be overreacting to your situation and you may decide that there is no real threat. In this case, just let go of your anger.

If you decide that the threat is real, you can use all of your energy to effectively deal with it.

As I said above, it is easier for me to make these suggestions then it is for you to implement them when you are angry and over-energized. But you can learn to implement them!

With this in mind, I suggest that you “practice” these strategies.

Here is how…

In the comfort of your own home,

A. review the strategy in your mind ==>

1. As soon as I become aware of my anger, I will stop and take a deep breath. If I need to, I’ll take two deep breaths.

2. Once my thoughts are more clear, I will think about the nature of the threat I perceive. If I can, I’ll try to get a fix on his or her perceived threat.

3. As my thoughts continue to clear and my energy level drops just enough, I’ll engage him or her in conversation.

B. Next, think about the last time you got angry and almost burst==>

1. Let’s say this is point B in the interaction.

2. Try to think back to point A when you first became aware of the anger.

3. Imagine yourself taking a deep breath and successfully implementing the strategy.

4. Do this several times.

C. You can also practice taking a deep breath with other feelings such as stress, anxiety and so forth.

The purpose is to give you a sense that you can do this (YOU CAN) so when you find yourself in the next angry encounter, you are more prepared to take effective action.

I hope the above 1. answers your question and 2. gives you some strategies you can use today. if you need to follow-up, note it in your comments.

Do your emotions “work” for you or do they “control” you?

I once had a client who, when asked about his emotions, dismissively commented, “My emotions work for me.”

Another client noted that she felt that her emotions “controlled” her.

Let’s explore these two responses to the topic of emotions.

The concepts of emotions “working for” or “controlling” you might be a bit confusing so let me define these terms as I see it…..

Definitions:

Work for you.

This could mean that you do not have any issues with your emotions as in “that plan works for me“. or
It could mean that the emotion is separate from you as in “that emotion just doesn’t work for me”. It just does what it does.

This idea is similar to the emotion controlling you.

Control:

The emotion process happens very quickly and, initially, is outside of your awareness so it seems that your emotions control you. Because your emotions are designed to prepare you for action, they must act quickly and without much thought from you. This, however, is only the initial emotional reaction. You are prepared to take some action. Your emotions do not eliminate your choice of what action you eventually take.

Hense, no control. Only preparation.

The sign on the street which says “slow down, traffic congestion ahead” warns you of impending danger, it does not hit your breaks!

So, while you may experience your emotions as “controlling” you, other than the initial reaction (which is controlling), how you respond to the situation about which your emotions have warned you and prepared you to respond to, how you respond is always a choice.

This is the reason I have recommended that you practice responding to your emotional reactions by taking a physical step back from the situation to give you some physical distance (think safety) from the situation and take a deep breath (or two) to lower your emotional arousal level so that you can assess and think about your situation before making a decision about what response to make.

Once you realize that you are always in control of your actions, you can then learn to strategically deploy your emotions as tools to help you match the emotions you experience to the reality of the situation.

When this happens, your emotions are, indeed, working for you.

The Emotional Mastery Cycle and Asking Questions: Anger. Part 2

Note:

This is the second of two posts addressing the issue of asking questions to facilitate mastering your emotions as strategic tools. In this post, I offer additional comments on asking questions and use the emotion of anger as an example.

I have a neighbor who works in “construction”. The other day, I was trying to build something in my garage and my neighbor came over and was watching what I was doing. After a short while, he commented, “Let me loan you a tool which will make your job easier.” He did loan me the tool and the tool simplified my project.

There is always a right tool for the job. If you have it, the job is much easier. If not, the job doesn’t get done or you improvise. Have you ever used a shoe as a hammer? You get the idea.

All of you reading this have a tool available to you that will help you deal more effectively with your own emotions (including anger) and the emotions of other.

That tool is the ability to formulate important and focused questions.

Let’s take a look at some of the characteristics of questions.

Questions innately call for answers.

When we ask a question, our brain automatically goes into “answer mode” and seeks the information the question is addressing.

By the way, you can use this link between question and answer to your advantage. When I was in grad school and a paper was assigned for the next class, my roommate would work on the paper until 12 or 1 o’clock and would then go to bed. I would stay up until the paper was done.

At 4 or 5 0’clock, he would wake up and type out the paper. It drove me crazy. I did not realize until much later that his brain was working on the paper while he slept and all he had to do when he woke up was download the information.

I have used this strategy for years to write articles, speaches and book chapters. It takes some practice and some faith that it will work, but you can do it.

While it is nice to use our brains and the questions we ask to solve challenges we face and compose articles, there is an underlying element to questions you need to be aware of.

Because the question sets up the parameters of the information or answers you get, you won’t get quality detailed answers if you ask inadequate questions

Put another way, do you really want to have the information your question is seeking?

Let me give you an example.

Have you ever made a mistake and asked yourself: “How could I be so stupid(emphasis added)?” Do you really want to know about your (implied) stupidity? Probably not.

Or, do you really want to know: What can I do to prevent a similar (mistake) in the future?

2. It is important to note that nearly all the behavior we observe in others or in ourselves is an implicit (or unasked) answer to an (often) unacknowledged question.

As an example, when you get angry and lash out at someone, the implicit question is: “What do I need to do to eliminate the threat that is facing me?” Your actions are your answer to that question.

The questions you ask and the words you use will have an impact on the emotional response you get to the question.

As an example, in response to someone’s inappropriate behavior toward you, is there a different response to the question, “What is his problem?” verses “What is he trying to accomplish here and what are the challenges he is facing?”

I think you get the idea.

In seeking to resolve conflicts involving anger, the goal is to, as much as possible, adopt a nonbiased, non-defensive, solution-seeking mindset.

With this orientation, you can formulate questions designed to help you gain a better understanding of what is eliciting (not causing) your anger, gain some insight into your behaviorial response and its effectiveness, and create an outlook which can facilitate a successful (win/win) resolution to the interaction between you and another person and improve your relationship with that person.

This approach is also effective if you are dealing with someone elce’s anger.

Questions leading up to your own anger

What is the nature of the threat?
How valid is my perception of threat?
What assumptions am I making about the other person and might they be inaccurate?
How else could I think about this situation?
Will the action I am motivated to take by the emotion I’m experiencing deal with the threat or am I, perhaps, over or underreacting to the threat?
What response can I choose to take to adaptively deal with the perceived threat?

Questions after your anger is displayed?

How effective was my display of anger in dealing with the threat?
Did I get the response I was expecting?
Was my anger appropriate for the situation?
What went right with my anger?
What went wrong?
Did I misperceive the nature of the threat?
Did I miscalculate the amount of force you needed to deal with the threat?
Was my message misunderstood, misinterpreted or ignored?
What can I do differently to get a more adaptive response to my anger?

Someone else’s anger

You can gain a better understanding of this other individual by asking questions about his anger.

Some relevant questions to gain understanding.

What is the nature of the threat that he perceived as he interacted with me?
Did he correctly interpret something I did?
Did he misunderstand what I was doing or saying?
Did he want me to give him some space (put me on notice)?

Some important questions to determine your response.

What is my goal in this interaction?
What is the best way to communicate with him in this situation?
If I was “wrong”, how can I effectively apologize?
If I did nothing wrong, how can I help him understand what I have done?
If I can’t directly deal with this person because of his “superior” authority, power, or potential to “harm” me, how can I safely accomplish my goals with “indirect” action?

When you ask the right question, you are more likely to get an answer which will lead to an effective response that will help you address the perceived threat. The anger you experience will then be resolved and will no longer be needed.

The Emotional Mastery Cycle and Asking questions Part 1

Note:

This is the first of a two part series of posts on asking questions as part of the the Emotional Mastery Cycle (EMC).

In Part 1 of this two part series, I will address general issues involved in asking questions to help us master our emotions as strategic tools.

In Part 2, I will further explore the issue of asking questions and will use the emotion of anger as a specific emotion.

This EMC describes both how the emotions we experience are elicited and how we can strategically deploy those emotions as tools to improve our lives and our relationships.

Recall that the EMC starts with our constantly scanning of our surroundings.

This unconscious process is..

protective in that we continuously and automatically scan for any threats,
informative as it alerts us to any situation which requires that we quickly take action to insure our “survival” and
energizing as it automatically prepares our bodies to take the necessary action.

The “survival” focussed emotions are primitive threat detectors and include emotions such as anger, fear, disgust, anxiety. These primitive threat detectors prepare us for “fight or flight”.

Other emotions such as happy, anticipation, and excitement prepare us to engage with what is going on.

Once we experience an emotion, the conscious part of our brain kicks in and provides us with the opportunity to validate the emotion by both accepting that the emotion is giving us information about how we perceive what is going on and examining the extent to which our initial perception matches what is actually happening.

Once, we determine the degree to which what we think is happening matches what is actually happening, we can choose how we want to respond to the situation.

The process of validating our emotions involves asking questions.

While it sounds easy to “just ask questions”, the process of asking the right question in order to elicit useful answers isn’t easy as it involves:

lowering your arousal level
focussing your attention on the situation at hand
remaining both mindful and somewhat objective, or detached, from that situation, so that you can and
understanding the nature of the informative answers you are seeking.

Indeed, if we don’t ask the right questions, the answers we get won’t be of much use to us in generating an adaptive response to our situation. So, learning how to ask the “right” question is critical in dealing with emotions.

The “right” question is the one that focuses your attention on, and attempts to gain insight into, what is actually going on in your situation that elicited the emotion you are experiencing.

So, let’s take a closer look at both the process of asking questions in the context of gaining insight into your situation by validating your emotions and exploring some examples of questions you might ask.

The Process of Asking Questions

I. Create safety.

Before you can effectively deal with any emotional situation, you have to create some “safety” in that situation. You need to put some physical distance between you and your situation and you need to put some psychological distance between you and your situation.

If you are not “safe”, asking questions will not happen.

So, the first step is to take a step back from what is going on.

Taking a step back from your situation not only creates physical safety, if this is an issue, but it gives you some perspective on what is going on. The creation of space between you and your situation is very important.

But, and this is also critical, you will have to practice taking this step in emotional situations in order for it to be available to you when you need it.

The second step is to take a deep breath (or more).

The deep breath has a calming effect on the body and provides an opportunity for you to increase your objectivity. The more intense the emotion, the more problematic it will be to remain objective or “detached”. But, it is doable and the more you work at maintaining some detachment, the easier it gets.

II. Asking Clarifying Questions

The focus here is to ask questions the answers to which will give you the information you need to understand what you are experiencing so you can make an adaptive decision which will allow you to strategically master your situation.

Identify your initial feeling.

What am I feeling here?

The emotion you initially experience is elicited by your subconscious perception of what is going on. It is influenced by the present environment, the other person’s behavior, perceived differences in status between you and the other person, your own past and any emotional “baggage” you may bring with you into the present. This baggage can involve previous situations which seem (but may not be) to be similar to the present, your insecurities or doubts, your interpersonal skill sets, etc.

The important issue here is to remember that your initial emotional reaction may, or may not, be accurate.

It’s nice if only one feeling comes up but sometimes you may experience several (or mixed) feelings.

You will need to accept whatever answer comes up and avoid judging (in any way) what you are feeling.

Accepting the feeling is the first step to validating it. You do this by remembering that:

you are entitled to feel whatever you feel
you may not be entitled to act on the feeling
this is your initial reaction
you will be exploring this feeling to see how well it fits the situation
you can change the feeling.

Clarify the situation.

What is actually happening here?

This is where you attempt to be as objective as you can.

This question encourages you to look at both what appears to be happening (your initial perception) and what might be happening (other ways to view your situation).

Mastering the Emotions of “missed opportunities”.

A few weeks ago, some friends of mine entered into a contract to buy a house. They asked many questions and secured the best deal they could. When they took ownership and looked further into the house, they realized that they had “failed” to add a clause to the contract regarding any problems they encountered once they moved in.

Upon realizing their error, they began to engage in “regretful” thinking..

“Regretful” thinking involves thoughts which imply both that what you did was, in some way, wrong, inadequate, hurtful or damaging to you, the situation, or another person and that, by some unknown means, you could go back and change what you did.

Here are some examples of regretful thinking..

Shoulda’s…

as in “We should have …”

If only ida’s…

as in “If only I had…”.

I wish I hada’s…

as in “I wish I had…..”

There are several maladaptive issues with regretful thinking..

Regretful thinking can be rather powerful because it has a veneer of truth to it. Yes, if you had acted differently, the outcome would have been better. The main issue, however, is that you can’t go back and change what you did or did not do.

Secondly, depending on the emphasis you place on your regretful thoughts, other emotions will be elicited by those thought which could be problematic for you including:

regret (I did something dumb and I can’t change it),
sadness (I lost something important),
shame (I’m really a bad, dumb, or worthless person),
anxiety (My future will always be messed up.), or
anger (that seller really screwed me).

The Emotions as Tools (EaT) Model informs you of the steps you need to take to deal with “regretful” thoughts and the emotions these thoughts elicit.

The EaT steps..

Take a deep breath and a step back from the situation. This might involve taking a walk, putting the situation “on hold” for a moment, doing some other important task and so forth.
Acknowledge and label the feeling you are experiencing and the message of each emotion. (Deal with only one emotion at a time.)
“IWBNI” Explain to yourself that you did what you did (We’ll come back to this below with the BRR) and assertively invoke an IWBNI (It Would Be Nice If) you had acted differently. Viewing your situation through the lens of an IWBNI enables you to acknowledge both what you did (or did not) do and the actions you wish had done instead.
BRR. Eliminate judgement by remembering (and applying) the BRR (Basic Relationship Rule) which states that everyone (including you) always does the Best they can (not the best possible) given their Model of the World (how they are perceiving, viewing or conceptualizing) what is going on in the moment and their Skill Sets (the tools, behaviors, abilities, emotions, knowledge) they bring to the situation. The BRR does not justify or excuse any action or inaction. It only helps to understand what took place and eliminate any personal condemnation. Any judgement of one’s actions, if appropriate can come later. So, if what you did was not what you have preferred to do, take a look at how you perceived your situation (your Model) and the tools you used to determine what actions you did take. Did you fail to fully understand what was going on or did you not use some tools to help you act differently than you did?
Forgive Yourself. Forgiving involves letting go of any self-condemnation as in “I should have…”.
Learn from the situation so that you can make a different decision in the future. This involves learning from the information you now have to be more aware in the future and make a different decision.
Acceptance. Acknowledge that your situation is what it is, you’ve extracted whatever learning you can from it, and it is time to move on. In other words, “This, too, shall pass.”

My friends basically did all of the above. They finally decided that they would just have to live with their actions and “In time, it would pass.”

As a follow-up to the above, in my next post, I will republish a post from July 2022 dealing specifically with the emotion of regret.

Forgiving Your “Abusers”- (From a Christian Perspective)

I recently bought a book entitled: FAME: Forgiving All of Mine Enemies by Stephanie Lashley because I was curious about how she approached the subject of forgiveness. (I bought it used.)

The Author Bio on the back of the book notes (among a whole list of other accomplishments) that “Pastor Steph has served in the Ministry since 1989 in various positions and gifts….Pastor Steph holds the office of Prophet and has preached and ministered nationally.”

As she discusses in her book, Stephanie experienced numerous events in her life including the death of her son by a drug overdose, betrayal by her husband, negative interactions with members of her church family and other experiences which challenged and consumed her until she learned to forgive.

She discusses her own process of learning to forgive, discusses this process in the context of being a Christian, and offers numerous quotes from Scriptures which support and reinforce what she is saying about the importance of and value of forgiving from a largely (but not exclusively) Christian perspective.

I have written about the value and importance of forgiveness in this blog and noted, from the perspective of mastering your emotions, that forgiving those who have “abused” you allows you to move past emotions such as maladaptive anger, hate, and resentment so that you can get on with your life and experience a full range of other, more adaptive, emotions.

While I am not a Chistian, many of you, my readers, may be. And many of you might be struggling with the issue of holding on to maladaptive feelings connected to your “abuse” which hold you back and burden you.

If you are that person, I am telling you IN THE STRONGEST WAY possible that you need to buy, read, and live Pastor Steph’s book! I have to tell you that the price of $20 for a 79 page book is high. But, if you can free yourself from your past, it will be money well spent.

My goal in writing this blog is to help people learn to master their emotions so that they can lead a more adaptive life. This post is consistent with that goal.

By the way, if you are not a Christian, the message of Pastor Steph will be just as relevant to you. But, you may have to work your way past the bibilical references, without judgment, to absorb that message.

2 Problematic Processes which Activate and Energize Emotional Threats and How To Neutralize Them.

In many of my posts, I have presented, discussed, addressed, and explained the Emotions Cycle.

At its core, the Emotions Cycle involves the following 4 steps…

starting from the unconscious scanning for threat,
proceeding through the unconscious perception of that threat (based on whatever “definition” you have currently “loaded” into your scanning process regarding the situation you are in),and,
moving from the subconscious to the conscious by assessing the nature of the threat and
choosing an adaptive response.

While steps 1 and 2 occur at the subconscious level and are outside of your awareness, your perception of threat stems from and is based on your inherent definition of what constitutes a threat (to you in the context of your current situation).

Your definition of “threat” is based on your past, your self-image, your skill sets, your tolerance for risk and many other factors. The objective situation (or what is actually taking place), of course, is a contributing factor but pales compared to other subjective factors.

Extraordinary (extra-ordinary) actions

As an example, there are numerous reports in the news where bystanders have rushed into burning buildings, run toward burning cars, or just acted in extraordinary ways to rescue someone from what is, to any observer, a dangerous situation.

When told they are a hero, these otherwise normal people, deny their hero status saying they only did what anyone else would have done.

Clearly, they are extraordinary because they did what others did not.

Their actions stemmed from their definition of threat at the moment they moved to take extraordinary action.

Most of us might view the fire, the danger of being severely injured, or the possibility of dying as the critical survival threat we needed to avoid.

This is normal.

These individuals saw the same survival issues that others saw but viewed the threat of the victim’s possibly dying as the real issue confronting them and rushed into the situation.

The possible death of the victim constituted the critical threat they wanted to avoid.

While this is extra-ordinary, the emotional process is the same for both bystanders. It is also why these individuals did not see themselves as “heroes”. They were just acting “normally” or “doing what anyone else would do”.

Both the ordinary bystander and the extraordinary bystander are correct in their definitions of threat in their shared experience. Their different actions stemmed from their divergent definitions of what constituted the primary threat facing them that they wanted to avoid.

Perception of threat is YOUR reality not necessarily THE reality.

I’ve mentioned in previous posts the situation in which, when I was a new supervising psychologist, one of my staff psychologists got very angry regarding a memo I sent out to all of my staff.

As a review, one of my staff was acting in a way which came very close to insubordination. I was a new supervisor and folks at the home office suggested I put out a general memo pointing out how important it was for everyone to follow policy. The idea was that I should take the path of least resistance and not single anyone out.

As this was the first step in beginning to hold this one staff member accountable, I was instructed to send out a memo to all staff with the general caveat that “failure to follow policy could result in disciplinary action”.

One of my staff fumed into my office and indignantly proclaimed that she had been working over 20 years as a Psychologist, had never violated policy, and was incensed that she was being threatened with disciplinary action.

You will recall that the message of anger is that you perceive a threat that will “kill” you and that you must go to war to eliminate.

With this staff member, the threat was to her self-image as an unrecognized, reliable, ethical and self-disciplined worker who followed all the rules. To be threatened with disciplinary action was viewed as unnecessary, inappropriate, and insulting. With her reputation (and self-image) at stake, she went on the offensive and lashed out.

She assumed the memo was directed at her, viewed the memo as unacceptable and acted as-if this were the only explanation for the memo.

How to effectively understand and deal with other people in their relationships with you.–A Quick Guide

Does this apply to you?

You are interacting with another person and their reaction to you leaves you “scratching your head” and wondering what is going on with them or elicits an emotional reaction in you such as anger which isn’t consistent with the situation or your history with this person.

In this post, I will address how to begin to understand others who direct their emotions at you.

There are several issues which you should take into account when you are dealing with an emotional reaction of another person.

They are (in order of importance):

I. The specific emotion the other person is expressing and the message of that emotion as well as your emotional reaction (if relevant).

II. The situation including the nature of the relationship between you and the other person.

III. The BRR: Giving meaning to their behavior.

IV. How you want to respond or “intervene”

I. The specific emotion and the message of that emotion.

As soon as you become aware that someone is directing a specific emotion at you, your first actions should be to take a deep breath to calm yourself down and take a step back from the situation to initially create some physical space between you and the other person.

You can then become aware of and begin to assess the specific emotion the other person is expressing and the message of that emotion.

The emotion that you observe in the other person is a direct reflection of how they perceive their interaction with you.

The message of the emotion will inform you about how the other person is perceiving you and your situation and their interactions with you..

By attending to the message of the emotion, you gain important insight into how the other person perceives, conceptualizes and understands what is going on between the two of you.

Their perception may or may not conform to what you intend to happen between you.

This information will be critical when you decide how to interact with this person and address the emotion which stems from their perception.

Some examples:

Anger: they perceive a threat in the situation that they want to eliminate. Anger prepares one for war.

Anxiety: a future based emotion the message of which is that there MAY be a future threat that might be “dangerous”. They are facing a possible threat in their relationship with you.

Shame: the message of shame is that the person believes they are inherently a bad or damaged person. There is something going on between you that is eliciting self-consuming thoughts in them.

Fear: this is a here and now emotion which communicates that they see you as an eminent threat which must be immediately avoided.

The message of your emotional reaction communicates to you how you are perceiving them. You may need to pay attention to your initial reaction so that you do not overreact, escalate the interaction, and make it more difficult to master what is going on between you and the other person.

II. The situation including the nature of the relationship between you and the other person

Awareness of the emotion is the beginning of the process of responding to that emotion.

The next issue for you is to be aware of the situation as your options may be limited by elements of the situation in which your interactions with this person are occurring.

At least 3 situations come to mind…

1.Are you at risk?

If you need to escape or hide, what are your options.

2. Are you in a position to comfort, advise, or offer assistance to this person?

If the person is opening up to you about an emotion such as anxiety or sadness, are you in a position to offer assistance?

3.Are there power differentials which impact how you can respond?

Is the other person a superior or boss?
Is the other person someone you want or need to respond to as opposed to “dismissing” them in an appropriate manner?
Does your “status” as a woman, a manager, an hourly employee, impact your response options?

III. BRR: What is motivating their behavior

You are aware of the emotion which informs you of how the other person perceives you and their interactions with you and of your situation which gives you additional information regarding your options.

You can now look at the individual and what how they are interacting with you. You do this using the Basic Relationship Rule (BRR).

The BRR tells you that every person in every situation does the best they can (not the best possible) given their Model of the World (how they perceive what is going on) and their Skill Sets (The behavioral tools they can call upon to help them deal with their interaction with you.)

Changing their Model

If you know how they are perceiving their current interaction with you (the message of the emotion) and you know that their perception is elicited by their Model or how they make sense of, understand, or interpret of what is happening, and you can change this Model by asking questions, offering some suggestions, then intervening to change the Model is a good choice.

Dealing with a skill set deficit (They don’t have the right tools for the situation.)

If their inappropriate actions are stemming from a skill set deficit, then they are in a situation in which they don’t really know how to interact with you and are struggling. In this case, you may have to resort to reassuring them that it will work out, give them some space, avoid confrontations, or use distraction if possible and so forth.

IV. Choose an adaptive response.

Based on all of the above, choose how you want to respond and take action.

Anger as an example…

This is the scenario I used..

You are at _____ (work, home, walking the dog) and someone interacts with you in such a way that it seems clear to you that this person is angry with you. He (or she) might be yelling at you, talking fast, accusing you of having done something and so forth. It is not immediately clear why they are angry.

I discussed 7 general issues and 6 steps.

Here are the 7 general issues that I originally addressed in my book Beyond Anger Mastery: Master Your Anger as a Strategic Tool.

What is the nature of the threat the other person perceives?
Are they telling you that you have done something wrong? If so, what is it? Is is something you did recently, are currently doing, or something you did in the past?
Are they just venting and you just happened to be in the way?
Is the threat, or the implied threat, that they perceive in the present and something you may be able to resolve?
Is the threat they perceive, or the implied threat, in the present but totally unrelated to you?
Are they using their anger to “manipulate” you in some way or get you to do something specific like back-off (anger as a communicator) or give in (instrumental anger)?
If there is no obvious threat, what else might be going on? Could they be using their anger to cover over some other feeling (secondary anger)? Or, if they are attacking you or demeaning your character, could they be attempting to divert attention away from issues you have raised and onto you as an individual?

Here are the 6 Steps…

Step 1: Prepare to engage.

Sub-steps: a. Calm yourself by taking a deep breath b. Take a physical step back if your physical safety is an issue.

Step 2: Insure your safety.

Sub-steps: a. assess personal threat level b.Assess need for immediate action.

Step 3: Validate their anger.

Sub-steps: a. Assume their anger is valid. b. Calm them down.

Step 4: Forgiveness.

Sub-steps: a. understand what forgiveness is. b. Don’t take their anger personally.

Step 5: Empathize with and attempt to understand the other person’s anger.

Sub-steps: a. Seek first to understand. b. Address 7 general issues.

Step 6: Decide how to respond.

Sub-steps: a. If you did something. b. The issue is in their head.

Here are the links to a series of 3 posts I published in Febuary and March of 2017 which address how to intervene when another person is angry with you. These three posts and the suggestions I made in them are as relevant and valid today as they were in 2017.

You are the target of someone’s anger: Part 1

You are the target of someone’s anger: Part 2

You are the target of someone’s anger: Part 3

Let’s take a look at “hate” and why you might want to avoid it.

I recently listened to an episode of the “Divorce Devil” podcast in which the host noted that while you might want to get past the emotion of hate after divorce as quickly as you can, a little bit of self-hate for a little while (I’m paraphrasing here.) was acceptable.

I disagree as I’ll discuss below.

I also recently watched the news in which the latest shooting was labelled a “hate” crime.

There is, indeed, too much hate in America today.

So, let’s look at the emotion of hate.

The Emotions as Tools Model notes that each emotion informs you about how you perceive your surroundings. This is the message of the emotion. I have discussed the Emotions as Tools Model in numerous past posts and in my book Emotions as Tools: Control Your Life not Your Feelings.

The message of hate is that you perceive a situation or person as extremely negative or even demonic. Your perception of another person or situation doesn’t get much worse than that which elicits hate.

So, your emotion motivates you to eliminate the object of your hate.

Hate is a very strong emotion that is usually reserved for people whose actions you view as unacceptable, evil, despicable or reprehensible. Presumably, you would want nothing to do with this person because he, she, or it is extremely toxic, negative or hurtful.

Logically, you’d think that your emotional reaction to hate would be to cut ties with or avoid the person you view with such animosity and disdain.

This is not, however, what frequently happens.

Let me digress here for just a moment.

In this post, I am addressing the emotion of hate. This is so strong an emotion that its presence and the actions it elicits are cletarly recognizable, if not always correctly labelled.

So, I am not talking about how the word “hate” is often used in every day conversation.

Indeed, when we say “I hate Brussels Sprouts.” the word hate is the same word as that used for the emotion and “hate” crimes.

The meaning and intent, however, of the word in the latter instances are very different.

To be accurate, while you may say that you “hate” Brussels Sprouts, in reality you just dislike them. Indeed, you may even dislike them a whole lot. (By the way, I did not like Brussels Sprouts as a kid because of the way my mom cooked them. Now, when they are served in butter with bacon, I have to make sure I leave some for every body else.) So, while you may dislike Brussels Sprouts, I really doubt that you are emotionally attached to them.

With the emotion of hate, however, your actions are the exact opposite of what you’d expect. Instead of being repelled from the object of your hate, you bind yourself to the person or situation just as powerfully as if you were in love with them.

Let me give you an illustration of what I mean.

Let’s look at love.

Imagine that you are facing a person and you are firmly holding both of their hands in yours. Everywhere they go, you go. And, vice versa.

Think of this as love.

You are emotionally connected to the the person you love and they are with you all the time.

Now, let’s look at hate.

Imagine that you are now standing back to back with this person with both of their hands firmly in yours. As you can see, you are now opposite to them.

This is the basis for people believing that love is the opposite of hate.

But, let’s take a deeper look.

Indeed, with hate, you are just as securely attached emotionally to the object of your hate. Wherever you go, they go with you. And, they are with you all the time.

If you truly hate someone, you need to understand that you can be consumed by your hate. Just as you can be consumed by your love.

This may or may not be okay with love. It definitely isn’t okay with hate.

Anger and Hate

To the extent that you are dealing with a person or group through the emotion of hate and you see this person as evil and a threat, you also are most likely experiencing anger.

The message of anger is that you perceive a threat to your values or sense of right and wrong and you believe you can eliminate the threat by throwing enough force at it. Anger prepares y0u for war.

To mix anger and hate together can be very dangerous. The hate tells you that this person is evil and reprehensible and it emotionally binds you to that person. Your anger motivates y0u to take destructive anger to eliminate this perceived reprehensible threat. Under these circumstances, logic and thinking about consequences often are overwhelmed or eliminated.

Think about hate groups, hate crimes, extreme discrimination and prejudices etc.

Avoiding Hate (Not easy, but doable)

This is why you might want to avoid hating another person.

“Huh”, you say, “What do you mean?”

Well, as I said above, hate is a very strong emotion which when you are under its influence can hijack your critical thinking and result in your not taking the important step in mastering your emotions as tools of assessing your situation and the validity of the message your emotion is communicating to you.

Thus, with hate (and anger), you should assess both whether the object of your hate is, indeed, demonic AND whether the actions you are about to engage in (such as shooting someone) will improve the situation in which you find yourself.

So, what are your options?

First of all, when you experience the emotion of hate, force yourself to step back from the situation and take a very deep breath.

This is part of the Emotions as Tools Model.

Once you have calmed down, remind yourself that hate is not an emotion you want to stay engaged with because it can be consuming and elicit actions you may later regret.

With some distance between you, your hate, and the “hated” object, assess the degree to which this object is, indeed, terrible, reprehensible or demonic. If they are also dangerous, use the energy of your anger to take evasive action.

If you are not in danger, then choose to see them as disgusting and disdainful.

The message of disgust is that you should act to avoid to dispel the disgusting object from your life. Think of Brussels Sprouts as disgusting.

The message of disdain is that someone or something is unworthyof one’s consideration or respect; contempt.

The point here is that, as you are not emotionally intertwined with the previously hated object, you are now in a position to choose how you want to interact with that object.

Getting back to the divorce podcast….

From the above perspective, would you, as a counselor, really want to green-light self-hate (or other-hate) after divorce in your client?

My answer is “No”.

While the individual who has just gone through a divorce might engage in self-blame (They do need to assess their role in the divorce.) seeing themselves as demonic or reprehensible, probably won’t help them to get past the divorce.

Hence, no self-hate.

Hating the spouse (tho they might be reprehensible) is not healthy as they need to become emotionally independent of, not emotionally bound to, the now legally separated spouse.

Hence, other-hate is not appropriate either.