Control Your Life: Master Your Emotions
Christmas is next week and I hope you will not be reading my blog on that day.
So, with that in mind, I am publishing this post a week early.
My wish for you is that your Christmas be filled with many joyous events and the emotions that go along with them including:
Have a very merry Christmas!
This is Part 4 of my 4 part series. In this post, which is a republication and update of a post I originally wrote in 2017, I address an issue which might be useful to you as you are most likely in the middle of your “Holiday Season”.
Publishing NOTE: I normally publish every two weeks. However, as Christmas is in two weeks, I will be publishing my second December post next week.
……
The upside of the holidays is that most of us are in a festive mood with all the decorations, the music, the food, getting together with family, and so forth.
But, there is a darker side of holiday feelings. This darker side can include feelings of extreme anger (or rage), feelings of depression, and so forth.
In this article, I will address holiday rage.
During this season, we may find ourselves scurrying around to do last minute tasks (get somewhere or do something) and someone (or something) wrongly gets in the way and thwarts our efforts to accomplish our goals.
When we in a hurry, we may feel stressed and outside of our comfort zone (the place where things are going along as they should be). When stressed, the threshold at which we get angry is lowered.
Note the words in italics. “Scurrying” implies that you are under some pressure and “wrongly” implies that the person or thing that is blocking your goals is doing so intentionally. “as they should be (going)” implies that we are less in control of our and what is happening to us.
Let’s look at each of these “issues” and see how they relate to increased anger.
Scurrying
When you are “scurrying”, you are already in a heightened state of arousal. In other words, you are on an emotional edge. This sensitizes you to (and amplifies or magnifies) any possible impediment (or threat) to your goals.
This magnification is similar to what happens when you speak into a microphone. The amplifier attached to the mic takes your voice and makes it louder.
Because you are in a hurry, behind schedule, over-scheduled, late, or just trying to do too much at one time, you are overly focused on your immediate goal and you will tend to perceive anything (or anybody) who gets in the way of your goal as not only a threat but, because of your heightened state of arousal, as a mega threat.
Remember that the message of anger is that you perceive a threat that you believe you can eliminate if you throw enough force at it.
Consequently, you will tend to get very angry and energized to overpower the mega threat which is impeding your completing the task at hand. Notice the implication of the italicized words. The arousal of your hurrying about magnifies your perception of threat and amplifies the arousal of your anger.
The slow line, poorly written instructions, or distracted clerk which under “normal” conditions would elicit a feeling of frustration or mild upset, now elicits extreme anger or rage.
Wrong and intentional.
To see another person’s actions as both wrong and intentional will always push your anger button. In fact, the element of intentionality is a key component of anger that is often overlooked.
As an example.. you are walking down the street and someone forcefully bumps into you. Your initial reaction might be to “push back”. If the person apologizes or if the person is visually (or otherwise) impaired, the “bump” is now viewed in a very different context and there is no anger.
Or, if the actions of another are viewed as inappropriate but not as intentionally attempting to hurt or damage you in any way, you might feel annoyed but you don’t escalate into anger.
So, if someone makes you late by intentionally taking your parking place or cutting in line, the inadequate instructions prove that the company doesn’t give a rip or care about you, the end-user, or the distracted clerk is only there for the money, is poorly trained, or would rather be somewhere else, they are a mega-threat and your anger is completely justified to nullify the threat.
Again, notice the implication of the italicized words.
The way things should be..
This implies that you have a model of your world in your head which you may or may not be aware of.
Your model might involve wishful thinking along the lines of “I wish the lines would be shorter.” This is experienced as The lines should be shorter! , It isn’t right that the lines are this long! or All these people are making it more difficult for me to get my shopping done!
The discrepancy between your model and reality may be perceived as a threat which can then elicit anger.
So, what can you do about it?
There are four actions you can take:
Take a breath.
The first step when you are dealing with any of the threat detecting emotions (anger, sadness, fear, disgust, anxiety) is to take a breath. Taking a breath lowers your arousal and gives you some psychological distance between you and the threat. The few seconds or that you gain give you an opportunity to assess the nature of the threat and your options.
Note: If you are experiencing fear (not anxiety), you always want to escape from the situation.
The second step is to assess the nature of the threat and your model of the world. Perhaps your model of what should be happening is inaccurate given your timing, the nature of the situation in which you find yourself, and so forth.
Thirdly, think about the the actions you are contemplating doing. This is really a cost-benefit analysis.
Some examples:
Stolen parking place…
Is it really worth risking an accident to try and get that parking space? Probably not. Yes, it should have been your space but there is no “mega-threat” as you can find another. What if you stop your car and cuss out the other driver and you get into an argument? Now, not only has a scene been created but you will be delayed even more.
To illustrate this, I remember years ago when I got a speeding ticket and went to driving school. The instructor made a comparison on the board between speeding and getting a ticket. He noted that speeding might save me maybe 10 minutes on my arrival. If I got a ticket, the time it would “cost” me to deal with the cop would be more than the time I would save by speeding. Other costs included fines (if any) time spend in driving school and so forth. The cost-benefit analysis of speeding clearly showed that the benefits did not outweigh the costs.
Person cuts in line…
You can say something to the person who cut in line. However, if you approach this person with all the energy of your heightened arousal, the reaction you get might not be the apology you deserve but an aroused angry over-reaction. Is it worth it to get into an argument when an apology would restore the situation? Probably not.
Poorly written instructions for the toy you are trying to put together at 11:00 PM…
well, I have been there and done that. And, no, getting angry at the company, the person with inadequate writing skills, or the editor accomplished nothing. I still had to do the best I could to figure out what I needed so I could build the bicycle and get it under the tree.
I think you get the idea.
If someone directs their anger is at you..
The process is similar to the that outlined above. The only difference is that when someone directs their anger at you, you need to take a breath to lower your arousal so that you don’t react and, remembering that he sees you as a mega-threat, apologize for any misunderstanding (not for doing something wrong). You can then ask him how you can help to make things right.
The exception to the above is if you feel fear in the presence of someone directing their anger at you. If this is the case, walk away.
So, my suggestion is that you enjoy all the great feelings that the holiday season elicits and be alert to anger if you experience it. Master the anger so that it doesn’t escalate and potentially ruin your holiday.
I hope these last 4 posts have been helpful.