June 2020 – The Emotions Doctor

Be Inspired by Emotions

I have written extensively about emotions.

I have discussed the emotions of mad, sad, fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, jealousy and disgust as:

primitive threat detectors
tools
a source of information about the situation in which you find yourself
a source of information about how others view you
and so forth

I have noted that what Fredrickson calls the “positive” emotions such as happiness communicate the message that the situation in which you find yourself is a pleasurable one and motivate you to continue to engage in what you are doing.

Recently, I thought about emotions in the context of being inspirational and connecting emotions with being inspired was entirely new to me.

Dictionary.com defines inspired as: to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence.

I am well aware of great speakers who excited their audiences and inspired them to take action to fight an enemy, pursue a worthy cause, make some important personal changes, and so forth.

However, to approach an emotion such as anger, anxiety, sadness and even guilt through the lens of being inspired by the emotion while incorporating the idea of being motivated, as by a great speech or piece of literature, was different.

Using your own emotions as a source of inspiration gives you an enormous source of both personal insight, energy and self-control.

Let me explain.

When you strategically deploy your emotions as tools, you experience the emotion and validate it as evidence of how you initially perceive the situation in which you find yourself.

Once you have accepted your initial emotion, you go into management mode which involves controlling the level of your emotion so that you don’t overreact. Management also involves creating psychological safety (if needed) by taking a breath and physical safety (if needed) by taking a step back from the situation.

Emotional mastery suggests that you assess your situation to determine whether your initial perception is accurate or if, for some reason, you have misunderstood what took place.

Based on this assessment, you can choose how you want to respond to the situation.

If your initial perception was accurate, you can use the energy of the emotion to effectively deal with what is going on. This is using your emotion as a motivator and is what emotions have done for humans since we lived in caves.

If your initial perception was inaccurate, you can choose to change your perception which will then elicit a different emotion and plan of action.

This is a one-and-done approach. You deal with the situation and move on.

It is also where most of the self-help literature (including mine) end.

To be inspired by the emotion:

is a step beyond strategic mastery and
occurs after you have used the emotion to help you deal with a specific situation.

To be inspired by an emotion involves:

viewing that feeling as having a degree of importance and influence beyond just being a tool or a source of information leading you to take a particular action.
being curious about what that emotion tells you about you and how you interact with your environment
letting that feeling motivate or inspire you to learn about yourself, what it was about that situation and any experiences you brought to the situation that elicited the specific feeling you experienced, what can you learn which might be beneficial the next time you experience this feeling and so forth.

Does this mean you have to deep dive into you and do a self-analysis? Well, if you can, great. Or, if you decide to get into therapy to get some of these answers, again, great.

But, you can start the process of self-understanding (not analysis) by some simple questions such as:

What about that situation pushed my (anger, envy, jealousy, guilt, etc) button?
What was I so sensitive to in that situation?
Is this how I typically react to these situations?
Was this the most adaptive way to view this situation or could I have seen it in a different light?

Being inspired by your emotions is difficult but it is doable. It just isn’t for everybody.

Being Rational is good. But…Emotion (pain, anger and others) informs intellect.

We see it in movies and people express this belief as if it is a proven fact of life….

You(or the character in the movie) are attempting to deal with a difficult situation and

you believe you need to “get your head in the game” so
you want to get rid of your emotions because you experience them as messy and distracting.

In other words, you want to be totally rational and not emotional so that you can use your head to develop solutions to the problems you are facing.

While there is some truth to this widely held belief, it doesn’t tell the whole story.

While you may not be a StarTrek fan, you probably are familiar with the character of Mr. Spock.

Mr. Spock is a Vulcan and the Vulcans pride themselves on their ability to eliminate emotions and only use their rational intellects to solve problems and interact with others. Emotions and intellect are mutually exclusive because emotions are imprecise and distracting, and can elicit actions which can worsen the issues that need to be resolved.

In one episode, Mr. Spock is in command of a small team that is stranded on a hostile planet. In order to save his crew, he makes all the right decisions but gets all the wrong responses from his team who are dealing with emotional issues.

While you could argue about what transpires between Mr. Spock and his crew, the point of the episode is that many situations require an interaction between emotions and intellect.

I will explore this interaction in this post.

The statement that you must think about a situation and remain unemotional implies that being rational and being emotional are mutually exclusive and that one may be better than the other.

This gives a false impression.

Yes, there are situations where emotions are not productive and a purely rational decision is both necessary and appropriate.

War and just about any crisis situation including emergencies which require immediate and decisive action are examples.

However, in most of the situations in which you find yourself (especially those which involve other people) emotionality and rationality are complimentary.

Think about the concept of pain as a metaphor for emotions.

Noone likes to hurt but pain informs you that you need to take action. It doesn’t tell you what action to take.

This depends on circumstances and involve:

The meaning you assign to your pain
What actions you decide to take regarding your pain.
The role your pain plays in your life.

Pain as a Variable

As an exampe: The phrase “no pain no gain” informs you that if you don’t feel the burn when exercising, your muscles are not growing. However, too much pain should tell you that you may have damaged yourself in some way and you need to stop and recover.

The Inability to Feel Pain

I know of someone who has Spina Bifida. He has no nerves below his waist. On one occasion, when he was younger, he got too close to a campfire and his pants caught fire. He only became aware that he was in danger when he smelled the burning pants.

He has no sensation of pain in his legs to warn him that he is in danger and that he needs to take evasive action.

Pain as a “threat detector”

In many ways, your pain receptors are threat detectors that alert you to the possibility that future damage may negatively impact your body. In other words, they are threat detectors which give you an opportunity to take effective preventative action.

The experience of pain tells you very emphatically..

that something is wrong
what you are doing has the capacity to damage you in some way
that you need to stop what you are doing and evaluate your situation.

As I described in my book Emotions as Tools: Control Your Life not Your Feelings, the US is protected by a system which electronically sets up a perimeter around our country. The purpose of this electronic perimeter is to alert us to any incoming threat such as a missile early enough to allow us to take protective action and eliminate the threat. This electronic perimeter is a technological threat detector.

Many of your emotions are primitive threat detectors.

Your emotions are also an early warning system that alerts you to a situation that may warrant your attention.

Your emotions also prepare your body to take some action.

Emotions alert you to possible threat. Your intellect will tell you what actions to take.

Here is how the emotional system works:

You are hard wired to subconsciously scan your surroundings for threat.

When the emotional center in your brain (the Amygdala) detects a threat, it sends a fast track message to an alert center in your brain (the Thalamus) which prepares your body for a quick reaction. This is the Fight/Flight/Freeze behavior you’ve heard about.

This is the emotion that you experience.

The specific reaction you are primed to take is related to the nature of the threat you perceive and is reflected in the emotion that you experience. This is the “message” of the emotion.

Anger: The threat is both eminent and is such that I can eliminate it by throwing enough force at it. Anger prepares you for war.

Anxiety: There is uncertainty regarding the threat which may or may not exist in the future. Anxiety either motivates you to take some action to prepare for the threat or it leaves you powerless and feeling overwhelmed.

Disgust: The threat is something that turns your stomach and that must be avoided. Disgust motivates you to remove yourself from the threat or to remove the threat from you.

Sad: The threat is that you have lost someone or something that was very important to you. Sadness motivates you to withdraw, mourn, and recover from the loss.

Happy: The situation you are facing is interesting, exciting, and engaging. Happiness motivates you to engage with and want more of whatever is going on.

Fear: The threat you are facing is both eminent and dangerous. Fear prepares you to move away from and get out of the situation. Sometimes, fear can immobilize you. The nature of the threat is the same.

I think you get the idea.

Emotions and logic as complimentary.

While always reflective of how you perceive the situation and, therefore, valid and worthy of consideration, the emotion you experience is not always accurate or indicative of what is actually taking place.

Huh, you say, what does this mean?

Well, if your understanding, interpretation or perception of the event is inaccurate, the emotion you feel will not be accurate.

Have you ever worried about what someone is thinking about you only to find out later that they were not thinking about you at all?

There was a study that was done many years ago in which volunteers were asked to go into a bar wearing T-shirts with slogans which were designed to be provacative to the people who normally frequented the bar. (For example derogative country music slogans in a country music bar). When they left the bar, all the subjects thought that they had been the center of attention. Most of the patrons in the bar, when questioned, indicated that they didn’t even notice. This is called the spotlight effect.

Or, perhaps, you were really worried about some future situation only to find out that, when it did occur or if it didn’t take place at all, that your worry was excessive or even unnecessary?

So, your emotion gives you the heads-up that something needs your attention.

Your logical analysis then assesses the nature of the threat and chooses a response that is commensurate with and that will help you effectively deal with the actual threat that you are facing.

The Covid 19 virus.

As I am writing this, the US and the World are facing a viral pandemic.

People are getting sick and dying.

If you listen to the news, you can easily get overwhelmed. This is both fear because the threat is real and anxiety because the threat you are actually facing is uncertain.

The way to effectively deal with the cover-19 pandemic is to acknowledge that a threat does exist (validate the anxiety) and then to rationally decide to take effective action including social distancing, wearing a mask, not touching your face, sanitizing anything that you touch or bring into your home and being cautious. If you take these actions, you dramatically reduce the possibility that you will get the virus.

And, you will be able to maintain your relationships with others (via technology) and sleep at night.

Your emotions have informed you and your intellect (logic) has helped you create an effective response.

Looking at The Corona Virus through the lens of relationships with others.

The other day, I was in a Target Store and the sign on the door noted that facial masks were recommended.

I wondered why they were not mandatory. But that is another issue.

As I walked around the store wearing a mask, I noticed that, while most people were masked, several people, usually young adults, had no masks.

While I did not say anything, I was a bit annoyed by their, to me, careless behavior.

Let me explain.

In many states, citizens are emerging from a total lockdown due to the contagious nature of the virus. We are now in “Phase 2” with more places opening up and people venturing out.

People have been advised to continue to engage in social distancing by keeping at least 6 feet away from others and to avoid large gatherings and non-critical travel.

Specific impacted group such as the elderly or the immune system impaired are still being advised to self-isolate until we get a better grasp of where the virus is (mass testing) and how best to deal with it.

But, let’s get back to the source of my annoyance in the Target Store.

I was annoyed because these people who were not wearing masks were thinking only of themselves. They could be contagious, without knowing it or having symptoms, and could unwittingly be spreading the virus.

To put it another way, they were being selfish. They did not seem to understand that there were other people in their world who could be negatively impacted by their actions. In other words, they are, whether they know it or not in an implied relationship with those around them.

The Relationship Issue

I would like to look at our interactions with others (in the context of the virus) as a relationship issue.

The message that you hear repeated over and over when it comes to the virus is that “We are all in this together.”

While this is true, what does it really mean?

Well, there are two interrelated aspects to this message: the facts and our responsibilities.

I. The facts: the virus is easily spread between people.

The first, and most obvious, aspect of being in this together, is that we need to think of others because, given the nature of the virus and the way that it is transmitted, we can unwittingly infect another person.

Or, they can infect us.

And, given that you can be both symptom free and contagious, your lack of being careful can end up killing your grandma or someone else whose underlying conditions leave them vulnerable.

So, if the virus is a boat, we are all in the boat—together.

Which leads us to the second aspect of “We are all in this together.”

II. Specifically: interpersonal responsibility.

Secondly, we live in an interconnected world where we impact, need, and are impacted by other people.

In other words, because we are all in the boat together and what we do impacts others, we need to think about the responsibility that exits between us and others.

This is called interpersonal responsibility.

I’d like to unpack the issue of interpersonal responsibility as it is implied in the notion that we are all in this together but is not often addressed.

There are two ways to look at the issue of our responsibility toward others.

On the one hand, we are responsible TO others.

and

On the other hand, we may be responsible FOR others.

These two aspects of interpersonal responsibility are not mutually exclusive and both can be operative at the same time.

Responsible FOR (obligation):

I’ll start with being responsible for others as it is the most common and easiest concept to understand.

If we have elderly parents or kids we are taking care of or friends with underlying conditions which make them vulnerable, the lines of responsibility are clear.

They may not be able to totally take care of themselves and need our help, support, guidance, and involvement. We know what we need to do and we do it.

Responsibility here is almost an obligation.

We take the necessary precautions including hand washing to insure that we do not transmit the virus. We parent our kids to help them get through this pandemic.

In one sense, then, we have an obligation to others not to spread the virus.

Responsible TO (do the RIGHT thing):

Being responsible to others is both less clear and often unacknowledged.

Our collective response to the Corona Virus challenges us to be responsible to others.

We do what needs to be done because they are the right things to do.

There are two elements to the concept of responsibility to:

The first is that, because you are doing the right thing, you do what needs to be done whether or not, at least initially, the other person does what they need to do.
Secondly, in order to help you do this, I am suggesting that you consider “everyone” you interact with (for at least as long as the pandemic exists) as being in a relationship with you.

Note: Treating others as if you have a relationship with them will be equally as important after the pandemic but to continue to do this is up to you.

Other people as “placeholders”

We often do not think of the actions we take with others who have no meaning to us.

They are “placeholders” in that they exist and may come into contact with us but we ignore them and move past them without acknowledging them because they are, at least to us, insignificant.

Significant, or meaningful, people

Those people with whom we have a relationship have some value or meaning to us and we take the time we need to acknowledge them and choose how we can best interact with them.

In this pandemic: Every interaction is a relationship..

Having a relationship with someone means…

that they are more than just a placeholder to you and
that they are a person who is serving a “meaningful” purpose in your life.

The definition of “meaningful” will vary from situation to situation.

When it comes to the virus, saving your own or another’s life should fit the definition of meaningful.

Indeed, the fact is that if we don’t all act together to “reduce the curve” of infections, people may die.

A very real scenario is that hospitals could get overwhelmed with too many cases and some person who did not follow social distancing and other recommended strategies, might infect you (or someone else) and the infected person dies because the hospital is too overwhelmed to provided treatment.

If we are indeed all in this together, then each of us is meaningful to the other. By definition, this means that we are in a relationship with each other.

An important element of being in a relationship is that you do the right thing whether or not the other person does what they need to do.

There are two elements here.

1. The first is that, in reality, the only behavior you have direct control over is yours. You can always choose what actions you take. You need to do the right thing both because it is the right thing to do and because you can’t decide what someone else will do.

So,I wear a mask and I maintain social distancing.

2. Secondly, it is also true that you can influence or indirectly impact what the other person does.

In the context of the virus, your doing the right thing can indirectly serve as a Model for other people. They see you doing the right thing and may decide that also need to do the right thing.

The bottom line…

The point here is that you tend to do the right thing for you care about and those with whom you have a relationship regardless of what they do.

And, in these trying times, you have a relationship with everyone you come in contact with.

Or, to put it another way: WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

I hope this has been useful to you.