In my previous posts, I have focussed on understanding emotions and the emotions process.
In this post, I want to revisit the topic of communication and how words can effect us.
The goal, here, is to refocus your attention on the words you use in “talking” to yourself and others because these words will elicit emotions which will impact your life as I addressed in my previous posts.
The reference to the “mic” refers to situations in which celebrities have made comments in front of a microphone which they thought was turned off, or dead, only to have those comments show up in the next day’s news because the mic was live.
When you attempt to communicate, someone is always receiving the message. You just may not know what message is being received!
The title of this blog post may look like I added an extra word.
The extra “NOT” is intentional.
The point I am making is that we are always communicating something whether we intend to or not.
Indeed, most people believe that communication is a fairly simple process.
This is an unfortunate myth.
The process of communication (while simplified in these examples) can be illustrated as follows:
Example #1: Think back to the days of the telegraph. If you wanted to send a message, you had to write out the message, the telegraph operator had to convert it to Morse Code, the wires had to be in place between you and the place to which you were sending the message, the receiving operator had to get the signal, decode the message, and write it down so that your target person could receive your message.
This first example illustrates the verbal communication process.
Factual or “basic” information.
Most of us can easily encode an idea into words, deliver the words, and expect the receiver to accurately decode the message and understand what we mean and intended to say. And, in most cases, when it is factual information we are communicating, this process works.
There are some underlying assumptions here.
- Both of the participants speak the same language and can understand the words being used. Words can be thought of as one “filter” through which ideas are processed. (One way to understand the idea of a filter is to think about what happens when you take a black and white picture with your camera or smart phone. The filter takes out the color.) Words can have a multitude of meanings and, therefore, can be thought of as a filter in that you choose the words you eventually use based on what you want to convey.
- The message is clear, does not involve emotional issues in either party, and is not easily misinterpreted. (Emotions are another “filter” through which ideas are processed.)
- Both participants are paying attention to each other, are not distracted by “noise” in the environment (think about having a conversation in a loud lounge), and are “actively” listening with the goal of receiving and understanding the message. They are not “passively” listening while engaged in some other activity such as texting or planning tomorrow’s schedule.
Emotions or “complex” issues.
However, if we are dealing with issues involving emotions (or complex issues), the process becomes more complicated.
Example #2: Think about the last time you sent a text or an email thinking that you were being very clear only to have the person to whom you sent this electronic message get upset because they misinterpreted the message they received.
The second example illustrates a situation in which the message has several different “layers” but the only layer of information that is “available” is what is “written” down.
There are several possible complications here:
- The message may contain implied emotional overtones. For example, you are upset with the person and have not directly expressed your feeling.
- You may have directly expressed your feelings but the meaning of the emotional words you have used were misinterpreted when “decoded” by the recipient of the text.
- You tried to use humor in your text or an emoji.
- And so forth.
By the way, the above process is why we are frequently advised, and warn our kids, to be very careful about what they send in an email or a text.
There is a quote from the Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) literature that says: “The meaning of a communication (to the receiver) is the response that you (the sender) get regardless of what you intended to say.”
The receiver’s (upset) response clearly suggests that he (or she) viewed the message as “threatening”. This is the “real” meaning of the message to him.
If the communication process is to be successful, you will need to determine where the “disconnect” is. Perhaps, the misunderstanding occurred because the message contained implied emotional overtones that were included in the message (either intentionally or unintentionally) or the receiver read emotional overtones into the message that were not there.
When you are involved in a face to face conversation, there are additional complications that can take place because of the nature of non-verbal signals.
- Non-verbal signals comprise a significant (perhaps, major) portion of the communication process and involve your tone of voice, the expression on your face, the way you are standing and so forth.
- An important part of the emotional process is the constant scanning of our surroundings that our senses engage in, our Amygdala monitors, and our bodies unconsciously react to if there is a threat.
- Our primitive brain is programmed to “read” non-verbal signals because they are often a more accurate (though not always so) indicator of possible threat. This is because humans are not very good at modifying their non-verbal signals (unless they are trained to do so).
Consequently, you are always communicating non-verbally and your listener is always tuned into your non-verbals. Hence, the title of this blog: You cannot NOT communicate.
An example of this potential conflict is the saying “Your actions speak so loudly, I can’t hear what you are saying.”
Communication problems can arise for at least two reasons:
- The meaning of non-verbal signals is not always clear and can easily be misunderstood.
- The non-verbal signals you are communicating with your tone of voice or body language are not consistent with the verbal message.
You master your emotions (and the emotions of others) when you are aware of and utilize the nature of non-verbal (and verbal) signals.
- In your own communications, take extra care to insure that the message you are conveying non-verbally is consistent with the words you are using.
- Be aware of the non-verbal signals your receiver sends to you, the emotions indicated by those signals, and the message those emotions tell you about how he or she has interpreted your communication. Using this information, you can seek clarification if what you see in their response is different from what you expected and you can clear up any misunderstanding.
I will continue this discussion in the next two posts.