This is a follow-up from the Podcast I alerted you to in my last post.
As I discussed in the Podcast, understanding emotions can be pivotal in maintaining a healthy relationship or in exacerbating a problem in relationships that are not progressing as you would like.
In any case, if you interact with or relate in some manner to others, you come into contact with emotions on a regular (even daily) basis.
In the course of living your daily life, you may get angry, anxious, sad, doubtful, jealous or envious. And, let’s not rule out happy, satisfied, excited about or content. But, as these latter emotions are often easier to deal with than the others I mentioned, I will stick with the emotions that are often more problematic for people to handle. Especially when they are directed at us by someone with whom we are trying to interact.
In your interactions with others such as your boss, your spouse, a customer, or your kid, you may experience someone who gets mad at or impatient with you or who is sad or anxious. Or, expresses some other emotion that might be seen as problematic.
When this happens, how well you deal with emotions (and the behavior that goes along with emotions) in yourself and others can have a major impact on that relationship going forward.
As a reader of this blog, you are problably well aware of what emotions are and how to master them as strategic tools. If not, take a moment (or two) to hit the Index Button above and click on any of the numerous posts which will provide you with easily understood information about all aspects of emotions.
With that being said, let’s look at 4 general rules which will help you deal with another person who is emotional with you.
Rule #1: Assume that everyone (including you) does the best they can in any specific situation (including their current interaction with you) given…
a) what they know about what is going on in their interaction with you
b) the assumptions they make about you, themselves and the situation and
c) the skills they have to deal with what is going on.
Right out of the box, my guess is that this rule doesn’t sit well with you as you know that much of the behavior you have seen in others (and in yourself) doesn’t qualify as either good or “best”.
True. In fact, what they are doing may be destructive, wrong for the situation, or just unacceptable.
But, this is not the point I am trying to make!
Indeed, I am not saying that what they are doing is the best that can be done or even what they should be doing.
In many cases, this is usually obvious.
Avoid judging, and keep your options open...
What I am saying is that, when you do not immediately judge the behavior and assume that this is the best they can do, in the moment, with the information they have, the assumptions they make and the skills they have, you have many different options from which you can choose to deal with this individual.
The other alternative is to judge the behavior and react by doing something that worsens the interaction and that you may later regret.
This, by the way, is what usually happens when one’s feelings get hurt, misunderstandings occur, and the situation gets out of hand.
When you assume that what they are doing is the best they can, your next step can be to understand what underlies and has led to the actions they are taking with you.
Steven Covey in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People notes that, in your interactions with others, you should seek first to understand and then to be understood.
When we react to others out of our own emotional state, we do the exact opposite. We want to stand up for and defend ourselves to a perceived attack.
If you are interacting with a boss, a spouse, a customer, or even your kid, this usually is not an effective way to move the relationship forward.
In dealing with another person whose emotionally driven behavior clearly seems over the top or not fitting the situation and making the above assumption about what they are doing, you now have the opportunity to look into the information they have and the assumptions they are making.
Once you know what they know (or don’t know) and the assumptions they are making, you can begin to change the interaction by giving additional information and clearing up any misunderstandings they (or you) may have.
With new information, the behavior they are displaying toward you can change.
Please note that you have not given up any of your options either in the emotions you feel or the responses you may choose to make. But, when they change what they are doing, you, most likely will also change what you choose to do.
And, this leads us to Rule #2.
Rule#2: Know what you want to accomplish in your interactions with this person.
In any interpersonal interaction, it is important for you to know what you want to accomplish because this will determine what you choose to do.
Interpersonal interactions cover a wide range of situations including..
- wanting good service from your server in a restaurant,
- building a healthy (however you define this) relationship with your spouse, “significant” or kid,
- keeping a customer happy on a service call, through
- getting respect from your supervisor or co-workers.
So, you can see that it is important to understand the nature of your relatioship with this other person, what you and they expect in the relationship and where you want the relationship to go (what you want to accomplish in the relationship).
Once you know this, you are in a better position to decide what actions you will take to get you where you want to go.
And, this takes us to rule #3.
Rule#3: Seek to get a win/win with the other person but settle for a compromise if you have to.
Most people think that compromise is the best you can hope for when there is a disagreement.
And, sometimes, this is true.
When you compromise, both you and the other person give up something in order to get something else. There is nothing wrong with this but, in one sense, it is a lose/lose proposition in that you both have given up something you would just as soon have if you could.
Someone once said that if you shoot for the stars and you miss you end up on the moon. If you shoot for the moon and miss, you end up back on earth.
The moon is a compromise and, at least, moves you forward.
I am suggesting that you shoot for a win/win in which both of you get all that you want, whenever this is possible. If this is your goal in a relationship, you will work to find ways that meet all of both your needs.
This is often possible if you look for it.
If not, you can always compromise.
And, this takes us to Rule #4.
Rule #4 Agree to Disagree and Move On
Sometimes, in the moment, even if there is understanding and a desire to move forward, for whatever reason, you and the other person are stuck. The emotional upset may have subsided and you and the other person are at least talking to each other. When this happens, you may have to take a pause, agree to remain in contact and agree to disagree.
There will always be another day!
