July 2024 – The Emotions Doctor

The Atomic Power of Words: Learn to Harness it. Part 1

The word emotion comes from a Latin word meaning to move.

Emotions have, over time, evolved to move us to action. As I discussed in the emotional cycle, the primary emotions of mad, sad, fear and disgust are primitive threat detectors which subconsciously alert us to and prepare our bodies to react to a threat which could have a negative impact on us if not addressed. We manage an emotion when we validate it, adjust our arousal level and stop the initial emotional reaction before we act on it.

We go beyond emotional management to emotional mastery when we assess the nature of the emotion, decide if the emotion does, indeed, match the situation in which we find ourselves, and choose how we want to respond to that situation. If the emotion matches the situation, we choose to let the emotion motivate us to take effective action. If we have misperceived the situation and the emotion does not match what is happening, we can choose to change our perception of the situation and let the emotion subside.

With this in mind, I want to make you aware of what I call the atomic power of the words you use to generate feelings (same as emotions) which in turn motivate you to take specific actions. We master the power of words when we are aware of the emotions that specific words can elicit and choose the words we use to match the situation we wish to create.

Most of us spend too little time thinking about the words we use both in our conversations with others and in our “conversations” with ourselves.

All communication starts with an idea that you may have which you attempt to put into words. The challenge is that we try to compress the multifaceted picture we have into a static, often oversimplified word. The person to whom we are speaking has to decode the word using his, or her, own set of filters hoping to recreate the same “picture” we originally encoded in the words we use.

Use the word “breakfast” as an example. Maybe you are thinking of an American meal of steak and eggs and someone else is thinking about a continental meal of yogurt and pastries.

Same word… different pictures.

Or, you go into the office and you ask someone “How are you?” and they tell you all about their recent medical issues and the arguments they recently had with their spouse instead of responding “Fine, how are you?”.

They heard you request a detailed description of their life circumstances instead of just an acknowledgement of their presence.

Oftentimes, the other person does not accurately decode our message. This leads to a misunderstanding which can elicit emotions we did not intend and would rather avoid.

By the way, because words can be misunderstood, you need to be careful when you send a text, a letter, or an email to another person like a boss. You may know what you want to say but what that other person “hears” is very different. The emotions your words elicit in that other person may be very different, and sometimes detrimental, than what you intended to convey.

There are words which leave you, or someone else, feeling excited, energized, and ready to act. These words are motivating and move us forward. I call these “go” words.

Examples include: “You can do it.”, “I’m proud of you.” and “Good Job.” or any example of positive self-talk such as “I got this.”

There are other words which leave you feeling turned off, overwhelmed, unexcited and stuck. I call these “stop” words.

There are other words which can have unintended effects.

One example is when a parent tells a child, ” You’re a bad boy (or girl).” The issue here is that we are (unintentionally) telling the child what we think they are as a person when in fact we are attempting to tell them what we think about what they have done.

Because we often only “see” what we intend to communicate, we may miss other ways our words can be interpreted. When this happens, the atomic power of the word can backfire.

We will talk more about “stop” words in the next post.

Building Relationships by Establishing Effective Empathy (Steps 2 and 3)

This is the definition of empathy I noted in my last post.

The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines Empathy as: “the feeling that you understand and share (emphasis added) another person’s experiences and emotions.”

I referred to this definition as true empathy and stated that I believe it is impossible to attain.

However, in building a relationship with another person, we can achieve what I refer to as effective empathy.

Effective empathy focuses on the understand part of the definition of empathy.

I noted that there are three steps to establishing effective empathy and I explored step 1 in my post.

Step 1 in establishing effective empathy involves being aware of and overcoming the barriers to empathy which might exist between you and the person with whom you are trying to communicate. These barriers act as filters through which what you say is interpreted and, often, misunderstood. Taking the time to interact with another person and find the common ground that you share begins to set up the foundation from which effective empathy is built.

In this post, I will cover Steps 2 and 3.

Step 2 involves using your knowledge about emotions to begin the process of understanding their point of view and engaging them to help you move the relationship forward.

If the other person does not feel that they are being understood, you can’t establish that you care about them or that you understand them, both of which are critical to establishing effective empathy.

The emotion you see in the other person is based on their perception of the situation in which they find themselves. This is the emotional process which I addressed in earlier posts on this blog.

Each emotion communicates a different message. When you understand the message of the emotion, you can address the concerns of the other person.

The message of the basic emotions are as follows:

Anger: I perceive a threat which I believe I can eliminate if I throw enough force at it.
Anxiety: I perceive a possible threat in the future that MAY hurt me.
Guilt: I have done something wrong that I need to make right.
Regret: I either did (or did not) do something that led to a negative outcome that I am powerless to correct.
Sad: I have lost something or someone who was very important to me.

As an example, if a person is angry with you, you can infer that they perceive a threat.

Knowing this, you can begin to establish effective empathy by attempting to determine the threat they perceive. Are you the threat? Is a new policy the threat? Has something changed in the work setting?

You might say, “I can see that you are angry.” This is the beginning of empathy but does not establish effective empathy.

To be effective, you need to add, “Can you help me understand what it is that you are angry about?”

When they tell you the object of their anger and you realize that this situation is perceived as a threat, you can then work with them to eliminate the perceived threat in such a way that both of you get what you want.

Step 3 involves showing the other person that you do understand their point of view.

You also need to validate their feelings about the issue that both of you are trying to resolve. Validation involves acknowledging that their feelings are real, based on their perception of the situation, and that these feelings are valid for them.

You are not saying the feelings are correct or representative of the situation

This is what “understanding” is all about.

You may need to acknowledge that you are aware of the barriers that exist between you. You can do this in the context of asking them to help you get past these barriers so that the two of you can help each other move the relationship forward.

If you can paraphrase their point of view to their satisfaction, you will have established that you, at the very least, understand the issues from their point of view. This doesn’t mean that you either agree with or accept that point of view as accurate. This comes later..

In the last two posts, I have tried to give you a basic foundation for establishing effective empathy. Once you establish effective empathy, you have options open to you about what you want to do in the context of the relationship, the issues at hand, the barriers which exist between you and the other person which must be overcome, and any available resolutions which will help you and the other person achieve mutually beneficial ends.

Building Relationships by Establishing Effective Empathy (A Definition and Step 1 of 3)

SPECIAL HEAD’S-UP

I want to alert you to a podcast which just dropped. The Just-in Words podcast entitled–Just Emotional Healing with Ed is 47 minutes long and is one of the most far reaching, informative episodes I have ever done.

Justin and I cover a wide range of issues from my origin story through the emotions cycle, emotions in the context of drugs and alcohol, emotion display rules, having adaptive arguments, dealing with grudges, mind-reading, sincere apologies and recovering from trauma.

I highly recommend that you click on the episode and invest the 47 minutes.

In my last post, I offered 4 rules to guide you in dealing with another person who is directing their emotions at you.

In the next two posts, I will approach the subject of dealing with another person from a different perspective. I will address the issue of empathy.

At some point in time, you have probably been advised that you should learn to emphasize with someone else in order to facilitate your understanding that individual?

Typically, this is expressed as…

Put yourself or walk a mile in their shoes.

This is certainly good (and correct) advice.

However, I’ll bet that you were never sure what it meant to “empathize” with another.

So, this is where I will start.

The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines Empathy as: “the feeling that you understand and share (emphasis added) another person’s experiences and emotions.”

I call this true empathy as opposed to effective empathy.

That said, when it comes to another person’s feelings, there are at least two reasons why true empathy is impossible and both focus on the share aspect of the definition of empathy.

First of all, we cannot actually share another’s experience and emotions.

Each individual’s interactions with the world are often complex, multifaceted and interpreted through that person’s unique set of filters which we do not share. Plus, we may have our own set of filters through which we view the world and of which we may or may not be aware.

Secondly, the nature of language is such that even a very good communicator, which most of us are not, often lacks the words to completely describe their experiences.

The good news, however, is that, while true empathy is not possible, effective empathy (my words) is very possible.

Effective empathy focuses on the understand part of the definition of empathy.

Working therapeutically with the young women in the California Department of Corrections-Juvenile Division was challenging for me because there were many barriers between me and the young women which had to be overcome before I could establish some empathy and effectively offer them therapy.

Here is a partial list of these potential barriers to empathy:

History + Gender: Most of these women had histories of multiple abuse by men. I was a white, middle-class, male and I did not have a history of either abuse or incarceration.
Race: Many of my female clients were women of color.
Language: Not only was there an educational gap between us but these young women had very little experience dealing with feelings or using emotional words. in other words, asking “How do you feel?” often elicited single word, not very informative, answers.

Establishing effective empathy, as I see it, involves being able to understand another person’s world from their point of view.

Note that I said their point of view. Not mine.

I was tasked with treating these young women as I will discuss in more detail below.

But, the same principles apply to you if you are trying to communicate with a spouse, a co-worker, your teenager, or any person with whom you have significant issues which it is important to both of you to resolve.

This involves three major steps.

First, you have to establish that you genuinely care enough to want to understand how they view their world. If you are only using key phrases and are not sincerely interested in connecting with the other person, your words will be perceived as hollow, you will not connect, and effective empathy will elude you.

Secondly, you need to know what emotions are and the messages each emotion conveys. This information will aid you in gaining the understanding and empathy you seek and is what emotional mastery is all about.

Thirdly, you need to take the time and make the effort to both let them and, if necessary, help them tell you how they see their world. This is where you use your empathic language as well as other communication skills and emotional words to help the other person paint a verbal picture of their world and their concerns.

With my young female clients, my first step was to establish that I could not know how these young women experienced their world because I was clearly not one of them.

My approach to these young women from the start of therapy was to state, upfront, that I could not totally understand or be able to relate to the experiences they had which led to their being incarcerated (and in my office). This, by the way, eliminated any attempt on their part to marginalize me by pointing out that I couldn’t work with them because I was (white, male, a staff member, etc.) .

Maybe, you have been accused of not being able to understand because you are… a male, an adult, a boss, or perhaps, an idiot (just kidding!).

With my clients, I then pointed out to them that I was very interested in helping them but that in order for me to do this..

I needed them to help me understand them and the experiences they went through (emphasis added).

I was successful with these young women because I was able to establish that we shared a common interest or, at least, a common ground. My clients wanted to get out and stay out of “jail” and I wanted to help them do this.

They needed my help and I needed them to help me be able to work with them.

For you, when you are trying to relate to another person who is different from you in some way, to say that you understand them before you have any basis for this statement, may be very off-putting and build up additional barriers between you and the other person. Think here about a man talking to a woman, a parent talking to a child, or a superior talking to a subordinate.

When you engage with another person, you can acknowledge your differences and your common goals and establish that you want to understand their point of view.

I will cover steps 2 and 3 in the next post.