Month: August 2024

Asking Questions: A Critical Tool You Can Use to Master Emotions

In my last two posts, I addressed the “atomic power of words” and noted that the words we use in our self-talk (and in addressing others) can subconsciously impact our feelings and our actions in ways we might not anticipate or appreciate.

In this post, I want to address another process in which we impact (again, often subconsciously) our feelings and our actions.
First a disclosure…
There is a lot of information in this post to processBut, if you take the time to learn how to use questions to validate your emotions and align what you feel with the situation you find yourself in, the benefits to you of an improved life and improved relationships will more that match the effort it takes to learn the process.Let’s dive in…

Taking a look at the questions we ask ourselves.

Raise your hand if you have ever said this to yourself after doing something you wish you had not done:

“How could I be so stupid?”.

Yes, my hand is up!

When you ask yourself a question, your brain automatically goes into “answer mode”. It sees its job as going into your memory and finding an answer to the question you posed. This is your brain’s seek function.

Note that this is similar to when you put a question into Google and it delivers an answer.

Using your brain’s Seek Function to your advantage.

In graduate school, I had a roommate who would, in response to a class assignment, study for a few hours and go to sleep. He would then wake up several hours later and type his paper.

I stayed up most of the night.

We both completed the assignment.

When I asked him about his process, he explained that he basically gathered information, asked his brain for an answer (the issue of his paper), let his brain do the heavy lifting while he slept, and wrote down the answer the he got up.

Once, I learned this process, I used it whenever I had an issue I struggled with including papers, reports, blog posts, psychological issues with myself or others, and so forth.

It takes practice but it works.

So, when you do something “stupid”….,

Do you really want to know 15 different ways to explain how you are  “stupid”?

I don’t think so.

You might want to know 15 different ways you could more effectively deal with the situation you were facing.

You get the idea.

Let’s get back to emotions.

Recall that the Emotions Cycle (EC) involves our constantly scanning our surroundings for possible threats unconscious process is:

  •  protective in that we continuously  and automatically scan for any threats,
  • informative as it alerts us to any situation which requires that we quickly take action to insure our “survival” and
  • energizing as it automatically prepares our bodies to take the necessary action.

As long as our initial perception of our surroundings is correct, the process works great.

  • We perceive a threat.
  • There is a threat.
  • We experience an emotion which fits the situation.
  • We take action to resolve the threat.
  • It is all good.

But if our perception is incorrect, the emotion we experience doesn’t match the situation and the action we exhibit might be inappropriate.

Same process only now it isn’t working to your advantage!

Think inappropriate anger, unresolved guilt, or debilitating anxiety.

Once we experience an emotion, the conscious part of our brain kicks in and provides us with the opportunity to validate the emotion.

Validation involves:

  •  accepting that the emotion is giving us information about how we perceive what is going on
  • questioning   the extent to which our initial perception matches what is actually happening and
  • matching the emotional response to the “reality” of what is going on in the situation.

Once, we determine the degree to which what we think is happening matches what is actually happening, we can choose how we want to respond to the situation.

The Process of Asking Questions

So, let’s take a closer look at both the process of asking questions in the context of gaining insight into your situation by validating your emotions and exploring some examples of questions you might ask.

Step 1: Create safety.

Before you can effectively deal with any emotional situation, you have to create some “safety” in that situation.

So, the first step, which prepares you to ask questions, is to take a step back from what is going on and the second step is to take a deep breath.

The first step creates physical safety and the second creates psychological safety.  If your situation only involves you, then taking a deep breath, or two, is all you need to do.  The deep breath has a calming effect on the body and provides an opportunity for you to  increase your objectivity.  The more intense the emotion, the more problematic it will be to remain objective or “detached”.  But, it is doable and the more you work at maintaining some detachment, the easier it gets.

(Note: Remember that emotions and feelings are, in this context, the same thing.)

Step 2: Identify and accept your initial feeling.

You can gain some insight into your emotional reaction by asking:

What am I feeling here?

The emotion you initially experience is elicited by your subconscious perception of what is going on.  It is influenced by the present environment, the other person’s behavior, perceived differences in status between you and the other person, your own past and any emotional “baggage” you may bring with you into the present.  This baggage can involve previous situations which seem (but may not be) to be similar to the present, your insecurities or doubts, your interpersonal skill sets, etc.

The important issue here is to remember that your initial emotional reaction may, or may not, be accurate.

It’s nice if only one feeling comes up but sometimes you may experience several (or mixed) feelings.

You will need to accept whatever answer comes up and avoid judging (in any way) what you are feeling.

You do this by remembering that:

  • you are entitled to feel whatever you feel
  • you may not be entitled to act on the feeling
  • this is your initial reaction
  • you will be exploring this feeling to see how well it fits the situation
  • you can change the feeling.

Step 3: Clarify the situation.

You can gain some insight into the situation you are facing by asking:

What is actually happening here?

This is where you attempt to be as objective as you can.

This question encourages you to look at both what appears to be happening (your initial perception) and what might be happening (other ways to view your situation).

Other questions include:

  • Could I be missing something here?
  • What interpretations or judgements am I making about the other person and what he/she is doing?
  • What is the other person trying to accomplish here?
  • Could his/her actions be the result of a lack of ability to express his/her needs in a more appropriate way?

NOTE:

  1. It is important to note that you are not excluding the possibility that your initial perception is accurate and that the other person’s behavior is both inappropriate and represents the actual threat your feeling is telling you exists.
  2. By asking the above questions, you are either redirecting your thoughts so as to change how you perceive what is happening and your feelings about it or you are confirming your initial perception as a precursor to taking action.

Step 4: Bring your feelings in line with the situation.

This step involves aligning what you feel with what is going on.  Alignment will help you choose an adaptive response to your situation (Step 5).

Alignment asks:

To what extent does what I am feeling match what is going on?

Here, your intent is to bring what you are perceiving and feeling in line with what is actually happening.

Other questions you might ask include:

  • Does the intensity of my feelings match the situation?
  • Do I have several feelings I need to consider?

Now, that you have decided what is going on and how you feel about it, the next step choose an adaptive response.

Step 5: Choose an adaptive response.

The question you need to ask here is:

What is the best way for me to respond to what is going on?

What often happens when someone reacts to an emotional event is that they overreact, get a response from others they later regret, and blame the emotion for “causing” them to do what they did.

They might say, “If I wasn’t so angry, I would not have (done something stupid, acted out aggressively, hurt someone, etc.).  While it may be true that if the emotion were not present, the inappropriate action would not have occurred, it is NEVER true that the emotion CAUSED the inappropriate action.  What we do is ALWAYS our CHOICE!

Other questions you might ask here include:

  • What are my options for expressing my feelings?
  • Are there “display” issues I need to consider?
  • What actions do I want to take?
  • What are the consequences of each option?
  • What result am I hoping for?
  • What if I do nothing?

Okay.  That is a lot of information to process.

But, if you take the time to learn how to use questions to validate your emotions and align what you feel with the situation you find yourself in, the benefits to you of an improved life and improved relationships will more that match the effort it takes to learn the process.

 

The Atomic Power of Words: Learn to Harness It (Part 2-Stop Words)

In my last post, I introduced you to the atomic power of words to elicit feelings.  

Feelings, in turn lead to behavior.  It is the connection between words feelings and actions which give words their power.

The downside of this relationship between words and actions is that the words we use can be misunderstood by others. Misunderstandings can elicit behavior we may not want.  Consequently, it is critical that we use words that are less likely to be misunderstood and, therefore, are more likely to generate the responses (behavior) we would like.

In this post, I want to address what I call “stop” words and replacing them with “go” words.

Stop words are words which when used tend to leave others feeling deflated, unmotivated and stuck. The same end result occurs when we use these words and direct them toward ourselves.

Go words are motivating.

It is important to note that the specific word you use is less important than how that word is interpreted on a feeling level.

Specific stop words are: “can’t” as in “I can’t…”, “problem” as in “We’ve got a problem.”, “should” as in “You (or I) should …” and so forth.

Let’s take the word “can’t”.

What we mean when we say we “can’t do something” is usually that we may see obstacles in the way of our accomplishing the task.  While there may be obstacles, the issue with the word “can’t” is that your brain may interpret the word as “impossible”.  If you say “I can’t do this.”, what you may feel is that it is impossible for you to do it.  If you truly were facing an impossible task that you felt compelled to overcome, you might get depressed, feel overwhelmed, stop trying, lose motivation and so forth.  When you tell yourself you “can’t” do something, you react as if the task facing you is, indeed impossible.

Another way around the word “can’t” which both acknowledges the difficulties the event you are facing represents and elicits a feeling of motivation is to say, “This situation is admittedly difficult but it is doable.”  “Doable” is a go word. Emotionally, your brain is satisfied that the situation has been correctly labelled as requiring great effort and you remain motivated because you believe you have the ability to persevere and overcome.

If you tell someone else they “can’t” do something or you are told that “you can’t do something”, the reaction you may get is defiance or resistance.  In this case, the word “can’t” is perceived as an unfair imposition of power and might elicit the emotion of anger.  The message of anger is that a threat is perceived that can be overpowered.  In trying to deal with a threat you view as “unfair”, you, or someone else such as your kid, may be motivated to rebel, look for ways to get around the imposition and so forth.

In both cases, the word “can’t” is a stop word because it impedes forward progress and weakens motivation.

I am not saying you can never use the word “can’t”.

I am saying that if you do use it, explain what you mean by looking at the obstacles that exist or the issues which prohibit another from taking a specific action.  You might say, “You can’t do this because…”

You get a similar reaction when you use the stop word “should” as in “I should go on a diet.” or “You should be more….”.

The initial reaction is resistance as in “Why?”, “Who is gonna make me?”, or “Who says.”  Think about your own reaction when someone like your doctor or your spouse tells you that you “should” do something like lose weight, stop smoking or exercise more you tell yourself that you should do something like your New Year’s Resolutions.

Another stop word is “problem” as in “We have a problem.”

I don’t know if you remember the movie Apollo 13 but it is a true story about an American crew whose space ship explodes.  While the crew is alright, their ship is severely disabled and there is a real possibility that they might not be able to get back to earth.  The captain of the mission, played by Tom Hanks, radios the command center back on earth and says,
“Houston, we have a problem.” In this case, the problem was a life threatening, potential disaster with no immediately obvious solution. The word “problem” implied potential catastrophe.

It is the emotional connotation of catastrophe that makes the word “problem” a  potential stop word.  Someone tells you that they have a “problem” or you tell yourself you “have a problem” and the emotional reaction is anxiety, disbelief, or, possibly, inadequacy.  The message of anxiety is that the situation you are facing might be a threat that might “kill” you.  The emotional behavior elicited by anxiety is stress or withdrawal.

Instead of labeling an event as a “problem”, you can call it a challenge or even a very difficult challenge. The word “challenge” is a go word. When facing a challenge, the emotion elicited might be excitement or enthusiasm, or motivated.  The ensuing behavior is solution focused activity designed to meet and beat the challenge.

When you are aware of the strong emotional impact that words can have on the behavior of others and on your own actions, you can begin to master the atomic power of words to motivate yourself and others. Stop words can result in inhibition, withdrawal, or resistance. You might want to avoid using stop words, replace them with go words or, when you do use them, provide a context in which the word you use makes sense and doesn’t elicit emotions and reactions you do not want.