Month: October 2024

A possible solution to grievances – IWBNI’s

Do you ever find yourself holding onto a grievance?

Someone did something to you in your past and every time you think of it, you get pissed off.  Examples include a history of abuse, an indiscretion, a social put-down that embarrassed you, a lack of support you thought you deserved but which was never given and so forth. While the incident could have happened years ago and the person who did it might even be dead, it is just as real as if it happened yesterday when you begin to think about it.

The incident could also have happened last week and you are still both angry and obsessed about it.

It is important to note that if you are able to talk to the person and, in some way, resolve the issues between you, this is the best action to take.

This is what I discussed in my last post.

Agree to Disagree Scenario and “current” grievances.

Regarding a current grievance, both of you “kick the can down the road” and hope to come back to it later. But, while this solution preserves the relationship, it doesn’t quite seem “right”.

You have tried to view the situation through the lens of the BRR (Basic Relationship Rule) which I also discussed in my last post.

And, while it helped, the issue continues to.. well, be an issue!

The step you can add is to view the past (or present) through the filter of  an IWBNI.

The word IWBNI is an acronym that stands for It Would Be Nice If.

The process behind using an IWBNI is this;

Labeling the incident as an IWBNI as in…

“It would be nice if (the incident had not taken place or the person had not been such a jerk and so forth).”

…allows you to both acknowledge the onerous nature of the incident (because what you are saying about it is TRUE) and let it go (because the unstated implication of IWBNI is that it did occur.

When you replay it in your mind, you are trying to resolve or understand it.

Many things that happen to us are often beyond any typical logical understanding because they are so onerous and, therefore, seem to defy logic.

Using an IWBNI acknowledges that you may never understand it and that you are choosing to let it go and move past it.

This is after-all what you want.

Using an IWBNI does not justify, minimize, or excuse what took place.  It only accepts that it did take place.

Following this acceptance, which begins the process of moving on, facilitates the process of forgiveness which allows you to finally cut the ties that bind you to your past.

Your relationship with the other person may or may not survive.  That is a separate issue.

Your relationship with yourself, your ability to move on, and to be okay with your situation is the critical issue here!

And, the IWIBNI should help.

 

Relationships, conflict, and “Outcome Scenarios”

Building, or nurturing, an important relationship should not be a competition!

In team sports, it is said that the best defense is a good offense.

While the ability to contain the other team (a good defense) is important, you certainly need a good offense to be able to put points on the board.

Team sports, by the way, are always a win-lose scenario.

One team in the contest must win and the other must lose.

If, in your relationships with others, you find yourself either on the offensive (in attack mode) or on the defensive (trying to prevent additional losses), then you have structured your relationships as as a…

win-lose proposition.

While it works in sports, viewing most relationships through the lens of a win-lose scenario can often be very problematic and in many cases most likely is neither sustainable nor healthy.

There are, of course, other ways you can look at resolving conflict that invariably arises in relationships.

These other approaches include:

  • compromise
  • win-win
  • agree to disagree

Compromise

Many writers look at compromise as a desirable outcome.

And, it is.

But, and this is often overlooked…

in reality, compromise is a basically a  lose-lose scenario in which both sides give up a little of what they really want (an acceptable loss) to obtain an outcome that they can live with.

Yes, both sides end up ahead of where they were but they must forfeit something to get there.

There is nothing wrong with compromise and, when it is the best that you can accomplish to resolve the conflict, it is even desirable.

It just should not be your first choice.

Win-win Scenario

A better objective to start out with in resolving conflict is a win-win scenario in which both sides get what they really want without having to make major sacrifices.

The “how-to” and the Basic Relationship Rule

If you want to increase the possibility of resolving  a “conflict” with a win-win, there are several assumptions I am suggesting you make..

First of all, you need to assess whether or not a conflict even exists.

A “conflict” involves an interaction between at least two parties in which the objectives of those parties appear to be initially irreconcilable.  In a conflict, you are anticipating going to war.

Does a “conflict” exist or is there a “disagreement” (perhaps, serious or complicated)  which exists which must be resolved?

Secondly, you have to assume that a win-win is possible.

Now, while it may not be possible to get a complete win-win because of the nature of the conflict, I am suggesting that you shoot for the win-win and fall back to a compromise when necessary.

And, finally you need to understand how the other person in the interaction views what is going on in your mutual situation.  This will improve the way you interact with them in arriving at a resolution.

With the above in mind, initially approach all “potential” conflicts from a neutral perspective in which you observe, attempt to understand, and decide the most adaptive way to interact with your partner.

This does not mean that you ignore or downplay your issues. You merely need to put them aside for the moment to gain important information.

The Basic Relationship Rule (BRR) is helpful here.

The BRR states:

Everyone in every situation does the best they can given their Model of the World and their Skill Sets.

or to put it another way…

What a person does in any situation is the best they are capable (at that moment) of doing and depends on what they know (their knowledge of what is going on or their Model) and what they are capable of doing (their skill sets) in that situation.

One’s Model

In any interaction, there are at least two Models of the World…  

  • Your “Model”
  •  Their “Model”

Your Model of your situation is the lens through which you are viewing the situation.

This lens reflects what you believe or “know” about what is happening and includes both your own self-perceptions/assumptions and your perceptions/assumption about the other person.

In the context of interacting with another person, what you believe (or assume)to be true you accept “as true” and, therefore, you accept it as what you know.

This “knowledge” may be accurate in that it matches what is actually happening or inaccurate in that it reflects your prejudices, misunderstandings and emotional blindspots.

The second is their Model, or the lens through which the other person is viewing the situation and the same elements which define your lens apply to their lens.

In addition, both Models of the situation include:

  • how each of you view your relationship in terms of how adversarial (win-lose or win-win )
  • how you view conflict in general(engage/avoid) and
  • how you conceptualize the specific conflict situation you face (What is the threat?/ What is the risk?)

Skill Sets

There are also two “skill sets” that are impacting the interaction.

The “skill set” element of the BRR addresses the interpersonal abilities (skill sets) that you and the other person bring to the interaction. These skill sets include..

  • Intrapersonal/self-awareness skills (Do each of you know what you really want?)
  • Interpersonal/other-awareness skills (Can each of you empathize with the other person?)
  • Communication skills (Can both of you express your needs in a way that it is clear to the other person what you want? Can each of you “actively” listen to the other so that you hear and comprehend what the other is saying?)

It is important to note that the best action an individual can do, at the time, is not always the best action possible for the situation.

Agree to Disagree Scenario

You see this a lot in movies.

Two parties have an issue with eachother about which they disagree and about which they are unable to arrive at a mutually acceptable solution.

When this happens, they both come to the conclusion that…

the elusive resolution is less important than maintaining the (hopefully positive) relationship that exists between them.

So, they decide to put the issue aside temporaritly, acknowledge their current inability to resolve their differences and they agree to disagree.

If the issue continues to resonate with them, they can return to it later on or one or both parties can view the situation  through the lens of an IWBNI and agree to move on.

I will discuss IWBNI’s in my next post.