Do you ever find yourself holding onto a grievance?
Someone did something to you in your past and every time you think of it, you get pissed off. Examples include a history of abuse, an indiscretion, a social put-down that embarrassed you, a lack of support you thought you deserved but which was never given and so forth. While the incident could have happened years ago and the person who did it might even be dead, it is just as real as if it happened yesterday when you begin to think about it.
The incident could also have happened last week and you are still both angry and obsessed about it.
It is important to note that if you are able to talk to the person and, in some way, resolve the issues between you, this is the best action to take.
This is what I discussed in my last post.
Agree to Disagree Scenario and “current” grievances.
Regarding a current grievance, both of you “kick the can down the road” and hope to come back to it later. But, while this solution preserves the relationship, it doesn’t quite seem “right”.
You have tried to view the situation through the lens of the BRR (Basic Relationship Rule) which I also discussed in my last post.
And, while it helped, the issue continues to.. well, be an issue!
The step you can add is to view the past (or present) through the filter of an IWBNI.
The word IWBNI is an acronym that stands for It Would Be Nice If.
The process behind using an IWBNI is this;
Labeling the incident as an IWBNI as in…
“It would be nice if (the incident had not taken place or the person had not been such a jerk and so forth).”
…allows you to both acknowledge the onerous nature of the incident (because what you are saying about it is TRUE) and let it go (because the unstated implication of IWBNI is that it did occur.
When you replay it in your mind, you are trying to resolve or understand it.
Many things that happen to us are often beyond any typical logical understanding because they are so onerous and, therefore, seem to defy logic.
Using an IWBNI acknowledges that you may never understand it and that you are choosing to let it go and move past it.
This is after-all what you want.
Using an IWBNI does not justify, minimize, or excuse what took place. It only accepts that it did take place.
Following this acceptance, which begins the process of moving on, facilitates the process of forgiveness which allows you to finally cut the ties that bind you to your past.
Your relationship with the other person may or may not survive. That is a separate issue.
Your relationship with yourself, your ability to move on, and to be okay with your situation is the critical issue here!
And, the IWIBNI should help.