Have you ever wanted to ask someone for something but hesitated?
Examples include:
- Asking someone out on a date
- Asking someone to help you on a project
- Asking a co-worker for some needed information or for a report
- Asking a boss for a raise
We all have. But, have you ever thought about why you hesitated?
While there could be many reasons, concerns, justifications, or ways in which you rationalized your not taking action, the underlying barriers to your not asking can be boiled down to two issues.
Before I lay these barriers out to you, however, let me give you some insight into the process of rationalization. Rationalizing is a psychological defense mechanism which allows us to justify whatever action we take with “reasons” which, while we may accept them as sufficient to back up what we want to do, might not carry much weight or significance to a third, unbiased, observer.
Why is this? Well, while the correct spelling of the word is R-A-T-I-O-N-A-L-I-Z-E, the psychological spelling, or underlying process is R-A-T-I-O-N-A-L L-I-E-S.
When you rationalize, or justify, an action you are taking, or something you are not doing, you may be manufacturing excuses or “lies” which appear to support the position you are taking.
Now, I am not saying that you are intentionally telling an untruth (a “real” lie), although you could be. I am saying that the reasons you are giving yourself, when seriously analyzed, probably won’t hold up to examination. Hence. I am calling them “lies”.
So, what are the two underlying barriers which result in your hesitation to ask for what you want and how do you get around them?
The first barrier to your asking for what you want is emotional.
The anxiety that you are feeling and experiencing as distress will stop you in your tracks. Remember that anxiety is a future based emotion, the message of which is: There MAY be a threat out there and it MAY “kill” me. The word kill is in quotes because with anxiety, we aren’t talking about physical death but some outcome which we believe could be “disastrous”, unwelcome, or significantly damaging in some way.
The question that elicits anxiety as distress is: What if A, B, and/or C happens? where “A”, “B”, and “C” are worst case scenarios. This is called “catastrophising”. Inaction happens when we accept A, B, and/or C and the answer to this question as inevitable and back-off to avoid the unwanted outcome.
The second underlying barrier to your not asking for what you want has to do with your self-image and is experienced as a sense of your own unworthiness. You do not believe that you are either justified in asking for what you want or that you are worthy enough to have your request granted.
There are 4 questions which, when asked and answered by you, will enable you to overcome these barriers.
- What is the worst that can happen if I do ask for what I want?
- If the worst happens, can I survive it?
- How will I benefit if the outcome I want happens?
- Is the request I am making (or question I am asking) a valid, reasonable (given the situation), and appropriate (again, given the situation) request to make?
Questions 1 and 2 are designed to address the anxiety. If you can identify the worst case scenario that underlies your anxiety and you can survive (however you define this word) the disaster you are envisioning, then you no longer need to be bullied by your anxiety. You may still feel some anxiety but it will not be overwhelming.
In the case of requesting something from someone, the unwanted “disaster” usually involves some form of rejection, either of you, personally, or of the issue you are raising.
And, the answer to the survival question should, in nearly all cases, be “yes”.
Following these questions, you can use your anxiety as a tool to motivate you to get the facts you need, do whatever preparation you might have to do, and think through your request, prior to approaching the person and making your request.
This is using anxiety as “eustress”.
Question 3 turns anxiety into its mirror emotion… anticipation. Anticipation is also a future oriented emotion and elicits the same energy as anxiety. Anticipation, however, looks ahead and envisions a desirable outcome. Since you want the outcome to occur, you are more motivated to make the request and ask for what you want.
Question 4 indirectly addresses the question of worthiness. If the request you are making is valid, reasonable, and appropriate, then the request is its own justification for being asked. You, as the “requester” become worthy by implication because the request is worthy.
Yes, I know that the question of self-worth is far more complicated than this, can impact your life in a multitude of ways, and could require professional help if it becomes a clinical issue but, in the case of hesitation as we are discussing, this usually is not what is taking place.
So, to wrap up, Questions 1 and 2 directly address the distress of the anxiety which may be a barrier to your asking for what you want and uses anxiety as a tool (eustress) to motivate you to prepare for action.
Question 3 turns anxiety into anticipation so you are motivated to take the action you have prepared yourself for.
Question 4 indirectly addresses the question of worthiness AND (as a bonus) can give you additional motivation to ask for what you want.
Thanks for reading and I welcome your comments.