Emotsdoc – Page 2 – The Emotions Doctor

Asking Questions: A Critical Tool You Can Use to Master Emotions

In my last two posts, I addressed the “atomic power of words” and noted that the words we use in our self-talk (and in addressing others) can subconsciously impact our feelings and our actions in ways we might not anticipate or appreciate.

In this post, I want to address another process in which we impact (again, often subconsciously) our feelings and our actions.

First a disclosure…

There is a lot of information in this post to processBut, if you take the time to learn how to use questions to validate your emotions and align what you feel with the situation you find yourself in, the benefits to you of an improved life and improved relationships will more that match the effort it takes to learn the process.Let’s dive in…

Taking a look at the questions we ask ourselves.

Raise your hand if you have ever said this to yourself after doing something you wish you had not done:

“How could I be so stupid?”.

Yes, my hand is up!

When you ask yourself a question, your brain automatically goes into “answer mode”. It sees its job as going into your memory and finding an answer to the question you posed. This is your brain’s seek function.

Note that this is similar to when you put a question into Google and it delivers an answer.

Using your brain’s Seek Function to your advantage.

In graduate school, I had a roommate who would, in response to a class assignment, study for a few hours and go to sleep. He would then wake up several hours later and type his paper.

I stayed up most of the night.

We both completed the assignment.

When I asked him about his process, he explained that he basically gathered information, asked his brain for an answer (the issue of his paper), let his brain do the heavy lifting while he slept, and wrote down the answer the he got up.

Once, I learned this process, I used it whenever I had an issue I struggled with including papers, reports, blog posts, psychological issues with myself or others, and so forth.

It takes practice but it works.

So, when you do something “stupid”….,

Do you really want to know 15 different ways to explain how you are “stupid”?

I don’t think so.

You might want to know 15 different ways you could more effectively deal with the situation you were facing.

You get the idea.

Let’s get back to emotions.

Recall that the Emotions Cycle (EC) involves our constantly scanning our surroundings for possible threats unconscious process is:

protective in that we continuously and automatically scan for any threats,
informative as it alerts us to any situation which requires that we quickly take action to insure our “survival” and
energizing as it automatically prepares our bodies to take the necessary action.

As long as our initial perception of our surroundings is correct, the process works great.

We perceive a threat.
There is a threat.
We experience an emotion which fits the situation.
We take action to resolve the threat.
It is all good.

But if our perception is incorrect, the emotion we experience doesn’t match the situation and the action we exhibit might be inappropriate.

Same process only now it isn’t working to your advantage!

Think inappropriate anger, unresolved guilt, or debilitating anxiety.

Once we experience an emotion, the conscious part of our brain kicks in and provides us with the opportunity to validate the emotion.

Validation involves:

accepting that the emotion is giving us information about how we perceive what is going on
questioning the extent to which our initial perception matches what is actually happening and
matching the emotional response to the “reality” of what is going on in the situation.

Once, we determine the degree to which what we think is happening matches what is actually happening, we can choose how we want to respond to the situation.

The Process of Asking Questions

So, let’s take a closer look at both the process of asking questions in the context of gaining insight into your situation by validating your emotions and exploring some examples of questions you might ask.

Step 1: Create safety.

Before you can effectively deal with any emotional situation, you have to create some “safety” in that situation.

So, the first step, which prepares you to ask questions, is to take a step back from what is going on and the second step is to take a deep breath.

The first step creates physical safety and the second creates psychological safety. If your situation only involves you, then taking a deep breath, or two, is all you need to do. The deep breath has a calming effect on the body and provides an opportunity for you to increase your objectivity. The more intense the emotion, the more problematic it will be to remain objective or “detached”. But, it is doable and the more you work at maintaining some detachment, the easier it gets.

(Note: Remember that emotions and feelings are, in this context, the same thing.)

Step 2: Identify and accept your initial feeling.

You can gain some insight into your emotional reaction by asking:

What am I feeling here?

The emotion you initially experience is elicited by your subconscious perception of what is going on. It is influenced by the present environment, the other person’s behavior, perceived differences in status between you and the other person, your own past and any emotional “baggage” you may bring with you into the present. This baggage can involve previous situations which seem (but may not be) to be similar to the present, your insecurities or doubts, your interpersonal skill sets, etc.

The important issue here is to remember that your initial emotional reaction may, or may not, be accurate.

It’s nice if only one feeling comes up but sometimes you may experience several (or mixed) feelings.

You will need to accept whatever answer comes up and avoid judging (in any way) what you are feeling.

You do this by remembering that:

you are entitled to feel whatever you feel
you may not be entitled to act on the feeling
this is your initial reaction
you will be exploring this feeling to see how well it fits the situation
you can change the feeling.

Step 3: Clarify the situation.

You can gain some insight into the situation you are facing by asking:

What is actually happening here?

This is where you attempt to be as objective as you can.

This question encourages you to look at both what appears to be happening (your initial perception) and what might be happening (other ways to view your situation).

The Atomic Power of Words: Learn to Harness It (Part 2-Stop Words)

In my last post, I introduced you to the atomic power of words to elicit feelings.

Feelings, in turn lead to behavior. It is the connection between words feelings and actions which give words their power.

The downside of this relationship between words and actions is that the words we use can be misunderstood by others. Misunderstandings can elicit behavior we may not want. Consequently, it is critical that we use words that are less likely to be misunderstood and, therefore, are more likely to generate the responses (behavior) we would like.

In this post, I want to address what I call “stop” words and replacing them with “go” words.

Stop words are words which when used tend to leave others feeling deflated, unmotivated and stuck. The same end result occurs when we use these words and direct them toward ourselves.

Go words are motivating.

It is important to note that the specific word you use is less important than how that word is interpreted on a feeling level.

Specific stop words are: “can’t” as in “I can’t…”, “problem” as in “We’ve got a problem.”, “should” as in “You (or I) should …” and so forth.

Let’s take the word “can’t”.

What we mean when we say we “can’t do something” is usually that we may see obstacles in the way of our accomplishing the task. While there may be obstacles, the issue with the word “can’t” is that your brain may interpret the word as “impossible”. If you say “I can’t do this.”, what you may feel is that it is impossible for you to do it. If you truly were facing an impossible task that you felt compelled to overcome, you might get depressed, feel overwhelmed, stop trying, lose motivation and so forth. When you tell yourself you “can’t” do something, you react as if the task facing you is, indeed impossible.

Another way around the word “can’t” which both acknowledges the difficulties the event you are facing represents and elicits a feeling of motivation is to say, “This situation is admittedly difficult but it is doable.” “Doable” is a go word. Emotionally, your brain is satisfied that the situation has been correctly labelled as requiring great effort and you remain motivated because you believe you have the ability to persevere and overcome.

If you tell someone else they “can’t” do something or you are told that “you can’t do something”, the reaction you may get is defiance or resistance. In this case, the word “can’t” is perceived as an unfair imposition of power and might elicit the emotion of anger. The message of anger is that a threat is perceived that can be overpowered. In trying to deal with a threat you view as “unfair”, you, or someone else such as your kid, may be motivated to rebel, look for ways to get around the imposition and so forth.

In both cases, the word “can’t” is a stop word because it impedes forward progress and weakens motivation.

I am not saying you can never use the word “can’t”.

I am saying that if you do use it, explain what you mean by looking at the obstacles that exist or the issues which prohibit another from taking a specific action. You might say, “You can’t do this because…”

You get a similar reaction when you use the stop word “should” as in “I should go on a diet.” or “You should be more….”.

The initial reaction is resistance as in “Why?”, “Who is gonna make me?”, or “Who says.” Think about your own reaction when someone like your doctor or your spouse tells you that you “should” do something like lose weight, stop smoking or exercise more you tell yourself that you should do something like your New Year’s Resolutions.

Another stop word is “problem” as in “We have a problem.”

I don’t know if you remember the movie Apollo 13 but it is a true story about an American crew whose space ship explodes. While the crew is alright, their ship is severely disabled and there is a real possibility that they might not be able to get back to earth. The captain of the mission, played by Tom Hanks, radios the command center back on earth and says,
“Houston, we have a problem.” In this case, the problem was a life threatening, potential disaster with no immediately obvious solution. The word “problem” implied potential catastrophe.

It is the emotional connotation of catastrophe that makes the word “problem” a potential stop word. Someone tells you that they have a “problem” or you tell yourself you “have a problem” and the emotional reaction is anxiety, disbelief, or, possibly, inadequacy. The message of anxiety is that the situation you are facing might be a threat that might “kill” you. The emotional behavior elicited by anxiety is stress or withdrawal.

Instead of labeling an event as a “problem”, you can call it a challenge or even a very difficult challenge. The word “challenge” is a go word. When facing a challenge, the emotion elicited might be excitement or enthusiasm, or motivated. The ensuing behavior is solution focused activity designed to meet and beat the challenge.

When you are aware of the strong emotional impact that words can have on the behavior of others and on your own actions, you can begin to master the atomic power of words to motivate yourself and others. Stop words can result in inhibition, withdrawal, or resistance. You might want to avoid using stop words, replace them with go words or, when you do use them, provide a context in which the word you use makes sense and doesn’t elicit emotions and reactions you do not want.

The Atomic Power of Words: Learn to Harness it. Part 1

The word emotion comes from a Latin word meaning to move.

Emotions have, over time, evolved to move us to action. As I discussed in the emotional cycle, the primary emotions of mad, sad, fear and disgust are primitive threat detectors which subconsciously alert us to and prepare our bodies to react to a threat which could have a negative impact on us if not addressed. We manage an emotion when we validate it, adjust our arousal level and stop the initial emotional reaction before we act on it.

We go beyond emotional management to emotional mastery when we assess the nature of the emotion, decide if the emotion does, indeed, match the situation in which we find ourselves, and choose how we want to respond to that situation. If the emotion matches the situation, we choose to let the emotion motivate us to take effective action. If we have misperceived the situation and the emotion does not match what is happening, we can choose to change our perception of the situation and let the emotion subside.

With this in mind, I want to make you aware of what I call the atomic power of the words you use to generate feelings (same as emotions) which in turn motivate you to take specific actions. We master the power of words when we are aware of the emotions that specific words can elicit and choose the words we use to match the situation we wish to create.

Most of us spend too little time thinking about the words we use both in our conversations with others and in our “conversations” with ourselves.

All communication starts with an idea that you may have which you attempt to put into words. The challenge is that we try to compress the multifaceted picture we have into a static, often oversimplified word. The person to whom we are speaking has to decode the word using his, or her, own set of filters hoping to recreate the same “picture” we originally encoded in the words we use.

Use the word “breakfast” as an example. Maybe you are thinking of an American meal of steak and eggs and someone else is thinking about a continental meal of yogurt and pastries.

Same word… different pictures.

Or, you go into the office and you ask someone “How are you?” and they tell you all about their recent medical issues and the arguments they recently had with their spouse instead of responding “Fine, how are you?”.

They heard you request a detailed description of their life circumstances instead of just an acknowledgement of their presence.

Oftentimes, the other person does not accurately decode our message. This leads to a misunderstanding which can elicit emotions we did not intend and would rather avoid.

By the way, because words can be misunderstood, you need to be careful when you send a text, a letter, or an email to another person like a boss. You may know what you want to say but what that other person “hears” is very different. The emotions your words elicit in that other person may be very different, and sometimes detrimental, than what you intended to convey.

There are words which leave you, or someone else, feeling excited, energized, and ready to act. These words are motivating and move us forward. I call these “go” words.

Examples include: “You can do it.”, “I’m proud of you.” and “Good Job.” or any example of positive self-talk such as “I got this.”

There are other words which leave you feeling turned off, overwhelmed, unexcited and stuck. I call these “stop” words.

There are other words which can have unintended effects.

One example is when a parent tells a child, ” You’re a bad boy (or girl).” The issue here is that we are (unintentionally) telling the child what we think they are as a person when in fact we are attempting to tell them what we think about what they have done.

Because we often only “see” what we intend to communicate, we may miss other ways our words can be interpreted. When this happens, the atomic power of the word can backfire.

We will talk more about “stop” words in the next post.

Building Relationships by Establishing Effective Empathy (Steps 2 and 3)

This is the definition of empathy I noted in my last post.

The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines Empathy as: “the feeling that you understand and share (emphasis added) another person’s experiences and emotions.”

I referred to this definition as true empathy and stated that I believe it is impossible to attain.

However, in building a relationship with another person, we can achieve what I refer to as effective empathy.

Effective empathy focuses on the understand part of the definition of empathy.

I noted that there are three steps to establishing effective empathy and I explored step 1 in my post.

Step 1 in establishing effective empathy involves being aware of and overcoming the barriers to empathy which might exist between you and the person with whom you are trying to communicate. These barriers act as filters through which what you say is interpreted and, often, misunderstood. Taking the time to interact with another person and find the common ground that you share begins to set up the foundation from which effective empathy is built.

In this post, I will cover Steps 2 and 3.

Step 2 involves using your knowledge about emotions to begin the process of understanding their point of view and engaging them to help you move the relationship forward.

If the other person does not feel that they are being understood, you can’t establish that you care about them or that you understand them, both of which are critical to establishing effective empathy.

The emotion you see in the other person is based on their perception of the situation in which they find themselves. This is the emotional process which I addressed in earlier posts on this blog.

Each emotion communicates a different message. When you understand the message of the emotion, you can address the concerns of the other person.

The message of the basic emotions are as follows:

Anger: I perceive a threat which I believe I can eliminate if I throw enough force at it.
Anxiety: I perceive a possible threat in the future that MAY hurt me.
Guilt: I have done something wrong that I need to make right.
Regret: I either did (or did not) do something that led to a negative outcome that I am powerless to correct.
Sad: I have lost something or someone who was very important to me.

As an example, if a person is angry with you, you can infer that they perceive a threat.

Knowing this, you can begin to establish effective empathy by attempting to determine the threat they perceive. Are you the threat? Is a new policy the threat? Has something changed in the work setting?

You might say, “I can see that you are angry.” This is the beginning of empathy but does not establish effective empathy.

To be effective, you need to add, “Can you help me understand what it is that you are angry about?”

When they tell you the object of their anger and you realize that this situation is perceived as a threat, you can then work with them to eliminate the perceived threat in such a way that both of you get what you want.

Step 3 involves showing the other person that you do understand their point of view.

You also need to validate their feelings about the issue that both of you are trying to resolve. Validation involves acknowledging that their feelings are real, based on their perception of the situation, and that these feelings are valid for them.

You are not saying the feelings are correct or representative of the situation

This is what “understanding” is all about.

You may need to acknowledge that you are aware of the barriers that exist between you. You can do this in the context of asking them to help you get past these barriers so that the two of you can help each other move the relationship forward.

If you can paraphrase their point of view to their satisfaction, you will have established that you, at the very least, understand the issues from their point of view. This doesn’t mean that you either agree with or accept that point of view as accurate. This comes later..

In the last two posts, I have tried to give you a basic foundation for establishing effective empathy. Once you establish effective empathy, you have options open to you about what you want to do in the context of the relationship, the issues at hand, the barriers which exist between you and the other person which must be overcome, and any available resolutions which will help you and the other person achieve mutually beneficial ends.

Building Relationships by Establishing Effective Empathy (A Definition and Step 1 of 3)

SPECIAL HEAD’S-UP

I want to alert you to a podcast which just dropped. The Just-in Words podcast entitled–Just Emotional Healing with Ed is 47 minutes long and is one of the most far reaching, informative episodes I have ever done.

Justin and I cover a wide range of issues from my origin story through the emotions cycle, emotions in the context of drugs and alcohol, emotion display rules, having adaptive arguments, dealing with grudges, mind-reading, sincere apologies and recovering from trauma.

I highly recommend that you click on the episode and invest the 47 minutes.

In my last post, I offered 4 rules to guide you in dealing with another person who is directing their emotions at you.

In the next two posts, I will approach the subject of dealing with another person from a different perspective. I will address the issue of empathy.

At some point in time, you have probably been advised that you should learn to emphasize with someone else in order to facilitate your understanding that individual?

Typically, this is expressed as…

Put yourself or walk a mile in their shoes.

This is certainly good (and correct) advice.

However, I’ll bet that you were never sure what it meant to “empathize” with another.

So, this is where I will start.

The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines Empathy as: “the feeling that you understand and share (emphasis added) another person’s experiences and emotions.”

I call this true empathy as opposed to effective empathy.

That said, when it comes to another person’s feelings, there are at least two reasons why true empathy is impossible and both focus on the share aspect of the definition of empathy.

First of all, we cannot actually share another’s experience and emotions.

Each individual’s interactions with the world are often complex, multifaceted and interpreted through that person’s unique set of filters which we do not share. Plus, we may have our own set of filters through which we view the world and of which we may or may not be aware.

Secondly, the nature of language is such that even a very good communicator, which most of us are not, often lacks the words to completely describe their experiences.

The good news, however, is that, while true empathy is not possible, effective empathy (my words) is very possible.

Effective empathy focuses on the understand part of the definition of empathy.

Working therapeutically with the young women in the California Department of Corrections-Juvenile Division was challenging for me because there were many barriers between me and the young women which had to be overcome before I could establish some empathy and effectively offer them therapy.

Here is a partial list of these potential barriers to empathy:

History + Gender: Most of these women had histories of multiple abuse by men. I was a white, middle-class, male and I did not have a history of either abuse or incarceration.
Race: Many of my female clients were women of color.
Language: Not only was there an educational gap between us but these young women had very little experience dealing with feelings or using emotional words. in other words, asking “How do you feel?” often elicited single word, not very informative, answers.

Establishing effective empathy, as I see it, involves being able to understand another person’s world from their point of view.

Note that I said their point of view. Not mine.

I was tasked with treating these young women as I will discuss in more detail below.

But, the same principles apply to you if you are trying to communicate with a spouse, a co-worker, your teenager, or any person with whom you have significant issues which it is important to both of you to resolve.

This involves three major steps.

First, you have to establish that you genuinely care enough to want to understand how they view their world. If you are only using key phrases and are not sincerely interested in connecting with the other person, your words will be perceived as hollow, you will not connect, and effective empathy will elude you.

Secondly, you need to know what emotions are and the messages each emotion conveys. This information will aid you in gaining the understanding and empathy you seek and is what emotional mastery is all about.

Thirdly, you need to take the time and make the effort to both let them and, if necessary, help them tell you how they see their world. This is where you use your empathic language as well as other communication skills and emotional words to help the other person paint a verbal picture of their world and their concerns.

With my young female clients, my first step was to establish that I could not know how these young women experienced their world because I was clearly not one of them.

My approach to these young women from the start of therapy was to state, upfront, that I could not totally understand or be able to relate to the experiences they had which led to their being incarcerated (and in my office). This, by the way, eliminated any attempt on their part to marginalize me by pointing out that I couldn’t work with them because I was (white, male, a staff member, etc.) .

Maybe, you have been accused of not being able to understand because you are… a male, an adult, a boss, or perhaps, an idiot (just kidding!).

With my clients, I then pointed out to them that I was very interested in helping them but that in order for me to do this..

I needed them to help me understand them and the experiences they went through (emphasis added).

I was successful with these young women because I was able to establish that we shared a common interest or, at least, a common ground. My clients wanted to get out and stay out of “jail” and I wanted to help them do this.

They needed my help and I needed them to help me be able to work with them.

For you, when you are trying to relate to another person who is different from you in some way, to say that you understand them before you have any basis for this statement, may be very off-putting and build up additional barriers between you and the other person. Think here about a man talking to a woman, a parent talking to a child, or a superior talking to a subordinate.

When you engage with another person, you can acknowledge your differences and your common goals and establish that you want to understand their point of view.

I will cover steps 2 and 3 in the next post.

It’s an emotional world: 4 rules for living in it with others.

This is a follow-up from the Podcast I alerted you to in my last post.

As I discussed in the Podcast, understanding emotions can be pivotal in maintaining a healthy relationship or in exacerbating a problem in relationships that are not progressing as you would like.

In any case, if you interact with or relate in some manner to others, you come into contact with emotions on a regular (even daily) basis.

In the course of living your daily life, you may get angry, anxious, sad, doubtful, jealous or envious. And, let’s not rule out happy, satisfied, excited about or content. But, as these latter emotions are often easier to deal with than the others I mentioned, I will stick with the emotions that are often more problematic for people to handle. Especially when they are directed at us by someone with whom we are trying to interact.

In your interactions with others such as your boss, your spouse, a customer, or your kid, you may experience someone who gets mad at or impatient with you or who is sad or anxious. Or, expresses some other emotion that might be seen as problematic.

When this happens, how well you deal with emotions (and the behavior that goes along with emotions) in yourself and others can have a major impact on that relationship going forward.

As a reader of this blog, you are problably well aware of what emotions are and how to master them as strategic tools. If not, take a moment (or two) to hit the Index Button above and click on any of the numerous posts which will provide you with easily understood information about all aspects of emotions.

With that being said, let’s look at 4 general rules which will help you deal with another person who is emotional with you.

Rule #1: Assume that everyone (including you) does the best they can in any specific situation (including their current interaction with you) given…

a) what they know about what is going on in their interaction with you

b) the assumptions they make about you, themselves and the situation and

c) the skills they have to deal with what is going on.

Right out of the box, my guess is that this rule doesn’t sit well with you as you know that much of the behavior you have seen in others (and in yourself) doesn’t qualify as either good or “best”.

True. In fact, what they are doing may be destructive, wrong for the situation, or just unacceptable.

But, this is not the point I am trying to make!

Indeed, I am not saying that what they are doing is the best that can be done or even what they should be doing.

In many cases, this is usually obvious.

Avoid judging, and keep your options open...

What I am saying is that, when you do not immediately judge the behavior and assume that this is the best they can do, in the moment, with the information they have, the assumptions they make and the skills they have, you have many different options from which you can choose to deal with this individual.

The other alternative is to judge the behavior and react by doing something that worsens the interaction and that you may later regret.

This, by the way, is what usually happens when one’s feelings get hurt, misunderstandings occur, and the situation gets out of hand.

When you assume that what they are doing is the best they can, your next step can be to understand what underlies and has led to the actions they are taking with you.

Steven Covey in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People notes that, in your interactions with others, you should seek first to understand and then to be understood.

When we react to others out of our own emotional state, we do the exact opposite. We want to stand up for and defend ourselves to a perceived attack.

If you are interacting with a boss, a spouse, a customer, or even your kid, this usually is not an effective way to move the relationship forward.

In dealing with another person whose emotionally driven behavior clearly seems over the top or not fitting the situation and making the above assumption about what they are doing, you now have the opportunity to look into the information they have and the assumptions they are making.

Once you know what they know (or don’t know) and the assumptions they are making, you can begin to change the interaction by giving additional information and clearing up any misunderstandings they (or you) may have.

With new information, the behavior they are displaying toward you can change.

Please note that you have not given up any of your options either in the emotions you feel or the responses you may choose to make. But, when they change what they are doing, you, most likely will also change what you choose to do.

And, this leads us to Rule #2.

Rule#2: Know what you want to accomplish in your interactions with this person.

In any interpersonal interaction, it is important for you to know what you want to accomplish because this will determine what you choose to do.

Interpersonal interactions cover a wide range of situations including..

wanting good service from your server in a restaurant,
building a healthy (however you define this) relationship with your spouse, “significant” or kid,
keeping a customer happy on a service call, through
getting respect from your supervisor or co-workers.

So, you can see that it is important to understand the nature of your relatioship with this other person, what you and they expect in the relationship and where you want the relationship to go (what you want to accomplish in the relationship).

Once you know this, you are in a better position to decide what actions you will take to get you where you want to go.

And, this takes us to rule #3.

Rule#3: Seek to get a win/win with the other person but settle for a compromise if you have to.

Most people think that compromise is the best you can hope for when there is a disagreement.

And, sometimes, this is true.

When you compromise, both you and the other person give up something in order to get something else. There is nothing wrong with this but, in one sense, it is a lose/lose proposition in that you both have given up something you would just as soon have if you could.

Someone once said that if you shoot for the stars and you miss you end up on the moon. If you shoot for the moon and miss, you end up back on earth.

The moon is a compromise and, at least, moves you forward.

I am suggesting that you shoot for a win/win in which both of you get all that you want, whenever this is possible. If this is your goal in a relationship, you will work to find ways that meet all of both your needs.

This is often possible if you look for it.

If not, you can always compromise.

And, this takes us to Rule #4.

Rule #4 Agree to Disagree and Move On

Sometimes, in the moment, even if there is understanding and a desire to move forward, for whatever reason, you and the other person are stuck. The emotional upset may have subsided and you and the other person are at least talking to each other. When this happens, you may have to take a pause, agree to remain in contact and agree to disagree.

There will always be another day!

Upcoming Podcast on Emotions in Relationships

This is a heads-up to let you know about a Podcast in which I was the featured guest.

The title of the episode is Let’s Think About “Emotions in Relationships and it drops tomorrow at 11AM PST.

Here is the link — https://youtu.be/TOUTu9zvhk0

Emotions play an important role both, on the healthy side, in supporting a healthy relationship and, in a maladaptive way, in contributing to unwanted discord.

In this podcast, the host, Mitzi, and I cover a wide range of issues and I believe you will find it both informative, entertaining, and worth tuning into.

Enjoy.

You Cannot NOT Communicate (or the “mic” is always live)

In my previous posts, I have focussed on understanding emotions and the emotions process.

In this post, I want to revisit the topic of communication and how words can effect us.

The goal, here, is to refocus your attention on the words you use in “talking” to yourself and others because these words will elicit emotions which will impact your life as I addressed in my previous posts.

The reference to the “mic” refers to situations in which celebrities have made comments in front of a microphone which they thought was turned off, or dead, only to have those comments show up in the next day’s news because the mic was live.

When you attempt to communicate, someone is always receiving the message. You just may not know what message is being received!

The title of this blog post may look like I added an extra word.

The extra “NOT” is intentional.

The point I am making is that we are always communicating something whether we intend to or not.

Indeed, most people believe that communication is a fairly simple process.

This is an unfortunate myth.

The process of communication (while simplified in these examples) can be illustrated as follows:

Example #1: Think back to the days of the telegraph. If you wanted to send a message, you had to write out the message, the telegraph operator had to convert it to Morse Code, the wires had to be in place between you and the place to which you were sending the message, the receiving operator had to get the signal, decode the message, and write it down so that your target person could receive your message.

This first example illustrates the verbal communication process.

Factual or “basic” information.

Most of us can easily encode an idea into words, deliver the words, and expect the receiver to accurately decode the message and understand what we mean and intended to say. And, in most cases, when it is factual information we are communicating, this process works.

There are some underlying assumptions here.

Both of the participants speak the same language and can understand the words being used. Words can be thought of as one “filter” through which ideas are processed. (One way to understand the idea of a filter is to think about what happens when you take a black and white picture with your camera or smart phone. The filter takes out the color.) Words can have a multitude of meanings and, therefore, can be thought of as a filter in that you choose the words you eventually use based on what you want to convey.
The message is clear, does not involve emotional issues in either party, and is not easily misinterpreted. (Emotions are another “filter” through which ideas are processed.)
Both participants are paying attention to each other, are not distracted by “noise” in the environment (think about having a conversation in a loud lounge), and are “actively” listening with the goal of receiving and understanding the message. They are not “passively” listening while engaged in some other activity such as texting or planning tomorrow’s schedule.

Emotions or “complex” issues.

However, if we are dealing with issues involving emotions (or complex issues), the process becomes more complicated.

Example #2: Think about the last time you sent a text or an email thinking that you were being very clear only to have the person to whom you sent this electronic message get upset because they misinterpreted the message they received.

The second example illustrates a situation in which the message has several different “layers” but the only layer of information that is “available” is what is “written” down.

There are several possible complications here:

The message may contain implied emotional overtones. For example, you are upset with the person and have not directly expressed your feeling.
You may have directly expressed your feelings but the meaning of the emotional words you have used were misinterpreted when “decoded” by the recipient of the text.
You tried to use humor in your text or an emoji.
And so forth.

By the way, the above process is why we are frequently advised, and warn our kids, to be very careful about what they send in an email or a text.

There is a quote from the Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) literature that says: “The meaning of a communication (to the receiver) is the response that you (the sender) get regardless of what you intended to say.”

The receiver’s (upset) response clearly suggests that he (or she) viewed the message as “threatening”. This is the “real” meaning of the message to him.

If the communication process is to be successful, you will need to determine where the “disconnect” is. Perhaps, the misunderstanding occurred because the message contained implied emotional overtones that were included in the message (either intentionally or unintentionally) or the receiver read emotional overtones into the message that were not there.

When you are involved in a face to face conversation, there are additional complications that can take place because of the nature of non-verbal signals.

Non-verbal signals comprise a significant (perhaps, major) portion of the communication process and involve your tone of voice, the expression on your face, the way you are standing and so forth.
An important part of the emotional process is the constant scanning of our surroundings that our senses engage in, our Amygdala monitors, and our bodies unconsciously react to if there is a threat.
Our primitive brain is programmed to “read” non-verbal signals because they are often a more accurate (though not always so) indicator of possible threat. This is because humans are not very good at modifying their non-verbal signals (unless they are trained to do so).

Consequently, you are always communicating non-verbally and your listener is always tuned into your non-verbals. Hence, the title of this blog: You cannot NOT communicate.

An example of this potential conflict is the saying “Your actions speak so loudly, I can’t hear what you are saying.”

Communication problems can arise for at least two reasons:

The meaning of non-verbal signals is not always clear and can easily be misunderstood.
The non-verbal signals you are communicating with your tone of voice or body language are not consistent with the verbal message.

You master your emotions (and the emotions of others) when you are aware of and utilize the nature of non-verbal (and verbal) signals.

In your own communications, take extra care to insure that the message you are conveying non-verbally is consistent with the words you are using.
Be aware of the non-verbal signals your receiver sends to you, the emotions indicated by those signals, and the message those emotions tell you about how he or she has interpreted your communication. Using this information, you can seek clarification if what you see in their response is different from what you expected and you can clear up any misunderstanding.

I will continue this discussion in the next two posts.

How to be your own “expert” advisor.

In my last two posts, I covered the “3M Approach to Feelings”.

The 3 M’s were…

Management
Mindfulness
Mastery

The last step, mastery, involves understanding and strategically deploying your emotions.

In this post, I want to give you a 6-step technique which will help you move closer to emotional mastery.

Let me explain.

In the past when you wanted to pursue a new skill or gain some knowledge you wanted to learn, you may have consulted an “expert”, a counselor, or, as I often do, my neighbor, who has forgotten more about construction than I ever knew.

Well, when it comes to mastering emotions, you have immediate access to an “expert” you probably didn’t give much thought to.

Indeed, as a reader of this blog, you know more about emotions than most of the population.

Based on this knowledge, you are an “expert”.

No, I am not pulling your chain. As I am defining “expert”, when you know more about the subject than they do, you qualify as a knowledgeable source of information. Or, to put it another way… an expert within the limits of your knowledge.

So, I am willing to bet that if someone asked you to give some advise on how to master emotions, you could give some very credible suggestions.

And, maybe, in a moment of self-reflection, you realized how good the advice was and felt a little rush of well-deserved pride. I hope so.

Good for you!

But, and this is the kicker, have you ever found yourself in a situation similar to the one you helped your friend navigate through and you didn’t use your own advice?

The answer for most of us, including me, is “yes”.

And, yes, when it happens to me (a certified expert in these matters), I feel kind of silly, have to laugh at myself, forgive myself, and reevaluate the choices I have made.

When I taught a Personal Growth class at the University where I teach, I would often answer questions from the students noting that I was much better at helping them solve their issues than I was solving my own. The reason for this is that I was objective and unburdened by emotions when I responded to their issues so I could easily and quickly access my experiences and knowledge to formulate an answer to their question.

In my own case, however, I was often very subjective and emotional.

This subjectivity clouded my judgement and left me less effective as a problem solver.

I had the necessary knowledge but I was too close to the situation and the knowledge I had didn’t kick in.

In other words, I was not able to completely access my own knowledge.

I had difficulty being my own expert.

6 steps to help you become your own expert.

So, in order for you to be your own expert when you are facing an issue that is problematic, troublesome, and emotional for you, follow these six steps:

take a piece of paper and write out the issue as you understand it to be. Note: the “facts” of the situation are not critical here as it is your interpretation that is critical.
imagine that a friend of yours has approached you with this exact issue and requested your help
write out your suggestions to your friend’s request.
put the suggestions you’ve written away for a day or two
pull out the suggestions you wrote down
commit to follow the advice that is written down in front of you.

While this technique may not work in every situation and you may have to seek some outside input, it will be effective in many situations because:

you are a good advice giver (expert) when you are objective
this process helps you be objective
the 1-2 day cooling off period gives you some distance from the issue
you’ve committed to following your own advice.

I hope this helps.

The 3M approach to feelings. Part 2

In my last post, I introduced you to the 3M approach to feelings and discussed the first M: Management. In this post, I will talk about the second and third M’s and conclude with how you can apply the 3M approach to the emotions of another person.

The second M ==> Mindfulness

When you are mindful, you are present in, and aware of, the moment.

While we experience an emotion in the moment, our perceptions of the situation we are facing may be absolutely accurate or may be impacted by extraneous or irrelevant information. As these perceptions elicit our feelings, “irrelevant” information can lead to misunderstandings and misperceptions.

This irrelevant information can involve:

any experiences we have had in the past which are similar to, but not the same as, our current situation,
our tendency to project ourselves into some unwanted future,
our tendency to overreact for a number of reasons or
some ambiguity in the current situation.

When we talk about our “buttons” being pushed or “jumping to conclusions”, we are referring to these three sources of misinformaiton.

Examples include:

getting anxious (a future based emotion) because we didn’t do well in a previous interview and we react “as if” our next interview will turn out the same way
getting angry (a present based emotion) because we misinterpret the actions of another as mistreatment without getting all the facts
becoming jealous, without really understanding what is going on, because our spouse seems to be giving attention to someone else

Mindfulness says that you should stay in the moment and fully understand what is actually taking place before you “interpret”, “judge”, “draw conclusions about”, or take action concerning the perceived threat your feelings are telling you exists.

When you are mindful, you ask questions about what is going on, you gain the information you need to decide what actions you will take, and you reserve to yourself the option of choosing what you will do.

The third M ==> Mastery

The anger mastery cycle, which applies to all emotions including anger, can be downloaded from this website and involves the third M or Mastery of the feeling. Mastering an emotion picks up where Managing one’s emotion ends. Once you have lowered your arousal, you can remain mindful, or in the moment, and assess or validate the threat you perceive exists.

The process of assessment involves:

gathering information about what is happening by asking questions,
learning, through perspective taking, about the process and intent of the other person with whom you are interacting, and
evaluating your own perceptions. This assumes that you are psychologically open to the possibility that you might be wrong in your initial assessment. (Not an easy task.)

Assessment sets you up to make a decision about how valid your emotion is and how you want to respond to what is happening.

If the perceived threat is genuine, mastering your emotion dictates that you use all the energy the emotion provides to develop and execute a plan to eliminate the threat.

If the perceived threat is not genuine but is due to a misperception of what is happening, mastering the emotion dictates that you change your behavior and change the thoughts which are giving rise to the feeling. This will result in the feeling changing.

Or, you can choose to let the feeling diminish and go away by ignoring it.

The same three M’s can also be applied when you are dealing with someone else who is directing their emotions at you. The process involves lowering your own arousal (managing) so that you don’t react and escalate the interaction (This can also result in the other person “powering down” somewhat.), remaining mindful so that you gather information about how the other person perceives you as a threat (mindfulness), and mastering their emotions by assessing how they see what is going on. You can then adaptively respond to their perceptions (if they are open to this) by acknowledging or validating their emotion, apologizing (if appropriate), or suggesting a resolution.

You can also choose to leave the situation.

I have a whole chapter on dealing with someone who is angry with you in my book Beyond Anger Management: Master Your Anger as a Strategic Tool.