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This is the first of a three part series of posts focussing on the emotion of anxiety.  I will discuss what anxiety is and how it is different from other feelings, how to understand it as a tool and how to master and strategically employ it in your life.

I hope you find it helpful.

Have you ever worried about something that might happen in the future?

The “focus” of your worrying might be…

• an upcoming exam, interview, or presentation
• what might happen if you ask someone out on a date or ask for a raise
• what could go wrong if you aren’t perfect (however you define this)
• something you did in the past that might “go bad” at some future date
• and so forth.

For nearly everyone, the answer is “yes”.  

The reason for this is that worry (also known as anxiety) is a normal emotion.

Every emotion communicates to you how you are perceiving the situation in which you find yourself. This is the “message” of that emotion.  When you recognize and utilize the message of an emotion, you are beginning to strategically deploy that emotion as a tool in your life.

The message of anxiety is that there MAY be a threat in our future.

Every emotion can be viewed as a tool that has a specific application or purpose.  Examples of common tools include your cell phone, your TV remote, the hammer in your tool drawer and so forth.

The “purpose” of anxiety, as a tool, is to alert you to an event so that you can prepare yourself to deal with it.

But, sometimes, the emotion of anxiety can become “toxic”.

Something is toxic when it can seriously hurt you. Other words for “toxic” include poisonous and dangerous.

A substance, action or even a person can become toxic even though it may not always be this way.

Think about water….

• You need it for survival
• It’s really great when you are thirsty.
• But…

Did you know that if you drink too much water in too short a time that you can experience what is called water toxicity.  While you can google it, you are not very likely to experience it.  My point is that water is an essential element that if consumed in too great an amount becomes toxic or harmful.

Similarly, anxiety, as I will discuss below, is a very useful emotion which, if experienced at too high an arousal level can become toxic or debilitating.

So, at a high level of worry, you might find yourself…

• paralyzed and unable to take any action.
• losing sleep
• unable to think about anything else

And, it seems that…

• there is no way to break free of your anxiety and
• your anxiety has become an inner “doom forecaster” that seems to be controlling you
• you are caught up in a whirlpool  of “what-ifs” as in “What if (this or that) happens?”
• you are also, probably, catastrophising.

This is toxic anxiety.

Regarding “what-ifs” and “catastrophising”…..

• A major problem with “what-ifs” and toxic anxiety is that they involve catastrophising.  When you catastrophize..
  • you focus on the worst possible outcome that could occur
  • you tend to react as-if the “worst possible outcome” is a certainty
  • you do not think about other, less disastrous possible outcomes
• The result of catastrophising is..
  • that you do not have any answers to your hypothetical “what-ifs” (because there are no factual answers) and
  • your lack of an answer is viewed as another issue about which you need to worry.
  • you’ve gone deeper into the whirlpool.
• As I will discuss below, using anxiety as a strategic tool involves using what-ifs to focus your attention on constructive solutions.

So, what is anxiety? 

Anxety is a future based emotion the message of which is that there MAY be a threat out there that may hurt me.

Anxiety differs from..

• fear, its present-based cousin.  The message of fear is that there is a threat that will injure me,
• depression, its pathological cousin. The message of depression is that my situation is hopeless, I’m helpless to do anything about it and I am, therefore, worthless, and
• anger, its warrior cousin.  The message of anger is that there is a threat out there and I am prepared to go to war to eliminate it.

The two “faces” of anxiety..

Anxiety that has become toxic is called distress. This is anxiety as a “doom sayer”

The other face of anxiety is called eustress.  This is anxiety as a “motivator”.  When you view anxiety as eustress, you are using this emotion as a strategic tool.

Think about an upcoming interview for a job or a test in a course you are taking.  You get nervous, anxious, or stressed about it and use that nervous energy as a motivator to prepare for the interview or exam.

When you approach your anxiety as eustress and use the energy it provides, you are strategically deploying this emotion as a useful tool.

In part 2 of this series of posts, I will talk about how to turn anxiety from a “doom sayer into a “motivator”.

• There are 3 secrets and 4 steps.

See you in the next post.

 

 

 

 

This is Part 4 of my 4 part series.  In this post, which is a republication and update of a post I originally wrote in 2017, I address an issue which might be useful to you as you are most likely in the middle of your “Holiday Season”.

Publishing NOTE:  I normally publish every two weeks.  However, as Christmas is in two weeks, I will be publishing my second December post next week.

……

The upside of the holidays is that most of us are in a festive mood with all the decorations, the music, the food, getting together with family, and so forth.

But, there is a darker side of holiday feelings. This darker side can include feelings of extreme anger (or rage), feelings of depression, and so forth.

In this article, I will address holiday rage.

During this season, we may find ourselves scurrying around to do last minute tasks (get somewhere or do something) and someone (or something) wrongly gets in the way and thwarts our efforts to accomplish our goals.

When we in a hurry, we may feel stressed and outside of our comfort zone (the place where things are going along as they should be).  When stressed, the threshold at which we get angry is lowered.

Note the words in italics.  “Scurrying” implies that you are under some pressure and “wrongly” implies that the person or thing that is blocking your goals is doing so intentionally. “as they should be (going)” implies that we are less in control of our and what is happening to us.

Let’s look at each of these “issues” and see how they relate to increased anger.

Scurrying

When you are “scurrying”, you are already in a heightened state of arousal.  In other words, you are on an emotional edge. This sensitizes you to (and amplifies or magnifies) any possible impediment (or threat) to your goals.

This magnification is similar to what happens when you speak into a microphone.  The amplifier attached to the mic takes your voice and makes it louder.

Because you are in a hurry, behind schedule, over-scheduled, late, or just trying to do too much at one time, you are overly focused on your immediate goal and you will tend to perceive anything (or anybody) who gets in the way of your goal as not only a threat but, because of your heightened state of arousal, as a mega threat.

Remember that the message of anger is that you perceive a threat that you believe you can eliminate if you throw enough force at it.

Consequently, you will tend to get very angry and energized to overpower the mega threat which is impeding your completing the task at hand. Notice the implication of the italicized words. The arousal of your hurrying about magnifies your perception of threat and amplifies the arousal of your anger.

The slow line, poorly written instructions, or distracted clerk which under “normal” conditions would elicit a feeling of frustration or mild upset, now elicits extreme anger or rage.

Wrong and intentional.

To see another person’s actions as both wrong and intentional will always push your anger button. In fact, the element of intentionality is a key component of anger that is often overlooked.

As an example.. you are walking down the street and someone forcefully bumps into you.  Your initial reaction might be to “push back”.  If the person apologizes or if the person is visually (or otherwise) impaired, the “bump” is now viewed in a very different context and there is no anger.

Or, if the actions of another are viewed as inappropriate but not as intentionally attempting to hurt or damage you in any way, you might feel annoyed but you don’t escalate into anger.

So, if someone makes you late by intentionally taking your parking place or cutting in line, the inadequate instructions prove that the company doesn’t give a rip or care about you, the end-user, or the distracted clerk is only there for the money, is poorly trained, or would rather be somewhere else, they are a mega-threat and your anger is completely justified to nullify the threat.

Again, notice the implication of the italicized words.

The way things should be..

This implies that you have a model of your world in your head which you may or may not be aware of.

Your model might involve wishful thinking along the lines of “I wish the lines would be shorter.” This is experienced as The lines should be shorter! , It isn’t right that the lines are this long! or All these people are making it more difficult for me to get my shopping done!

The discrepancy between your model and reality may be perceived as a threat which can then elicit anger.

So, what can you do about it?

There are four actions you can take:

1. take a breath
2. Assess the nature of the threat, your model of the “world” and whether or not a real threat exists.
3. Think about what could happen if you react in the way you are just about ready to do.
4. Choose an appropriate response.

Take a breath.

The first step when you are dealing with any of the threat detecting emotions (anger, sadness, fear, disgust, anxiety) is to take a breath. Taking a breath lowers your arousal and gives you some psychological distance between you and the threat.  The few seconds or that you gain give you an opportunity to assess the nature of the threat and your options.

Note: If you are experiencing fear (not anxiety), you always want to escape from the situation.

The second step is to assess the nature of the threat and your model of the world.  Perhaps your model of what should be happening is inaccurate given your timing, the nature of the situation in which you find yourself, and so forth.

Thirdly, think about the the actions you are contemplating doing.  This is really a cost-benefit analysis.

Some examples:

Stolen parking place…

Is it really worth risking an accident to try and get that parking space? Probably not. Yes, it should have been your space but there is no “mega-threat” as you can find another.  What if you stop your car and cuss out the other driver and you get into an argument? Now, not only has a scene been created but you will be delayed even more.

To illustrate this, I remember years ago when I got a speeding ticket and went to driving school.  The instructor made a comparison on the board between speeding and getting a ticket.  He noted that speeding might save me maybe 10 minutes on my arrival.  If I got a ticket, the time it would “cost” me to deal with the cop would be more than the time I would save by speeding.  Other costs included fines (if any) time spend in driving school and so forth.  The cost-benefit analysis of speeding clearly showed that the benefits did not outweigh the costs.

Person cuts in line…

You can say something to the person who cut in line.  However, if you approach this person with all the energy of your heightened arousal, the reaction you get might not be the apology you deserve but an aroused angry over-reaction. Is it worth it to get into an argument when an apology would restore the situation?   Probably not.

Poorly written instructions for the toy you are trying to put together at 11:00 PM…

well, I have been there and done that. And, no, getting angry at the company, the person with inadequate writing skills, or the editor accomplished nothing.  I still had to do the best I could to figure out what I needed so I could build the bicycle and get it under the tree.

I think you get the idea.

If someone directs their anger is at you..

The process is similar to the that outlined above.  The only difference is that when someone directs their anger at you, you need to take a breath to lower your arousal so that you don’t react and, remembering that he sees you as a mega-threat, apologize for any misunderstanding (not for doing something wrong). You can then ask him how you can help to make things right.

The exception to the above is if you feel fear in the presence of someone directing their anger at you.  If this is the case, walk away.

So, my suggestion is that you enjoy all the great feelings that the holiday season elicits and be alert to anger if you experience it.  Master the anger so that it doesn’t escalate and potentially ruin your holiday.

I hope these last 4 posts have been helpful.

This is Part 3 of a 4 part series of posts.

In this post, I discuss the emotion of gratitude.  Being involved with others can lower the possibility that a disagreement escalates into a conflict.

To put it another way…people don’t care what you know until they know that you care.

In the US next week, we will be celebrating the Thanksgiving Holiday.

This Holiday is supposed to commemorate a feast that took place between  native Americans and the Pilgrims who landed in America.

Today, however, It is basically an enjoyable time off from work during which we get together with family, eat too much, and watch parades or football on TV.

In my house, we’ve attempted to emphasize the “thanks-giving” part of the Holiday.

This post is an extension of that focus.

Most of us think of being “thankful” and being “grateful” as the same thing.

Well, while they are very similar, they are not the same.

Indeed, being “grateful” goes beyond being “thankful” and the emotion of “grateful”(gratitude) is both misunderstood and underutilized.

“What”, you say. “misunderstood and underutilized?”

Yes. On both counts.

First, let’s take a closer look at “thankful” vs “grateful”.

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary (online), “thankful”and “grateful”are the same with the exception of two significant words. Thankful is defined as “conscious (emphasis added) of benefits received” while grateful is defined as “appreciative (emphasis added) of benefits received.”

Being “conscious” implies only an awareness while being “appreciative” implies an involvement with whatever it is that you are choosing to acknowledge and highlight.

Here is an example of the difference between these two.

You go into work and your colleague says to you, “Hey, there, how are you doing?”  In most instances, you say (often automatically) “Fine.” or “Good, and you?”

This interaction reflects ONLY an acknowledgement, or awareness, of the other person.

Now, in contrast, you meet up with an old buddy from your past and he asks you, “How are you doing?”  You most likely would begin to fill him in on what has happened to you since you last met.

This is involvement.

Imagine the surprised response you would get at work if you responded to “How are with you?” with an indepth explanation of your whole weekend, the argument you had with your spouse, and so forth.  This would be an example of confusing involvement with acknowledgement.

Misunderstood

Sure, you are very familiar with saying “Thank you” whenever appropriate and maybe even being “grateful” when someone does a favor for you.  But, in most cases, the emotion just sort of happens and you don’t really think about it.

Someone holds a door open for you and you say “Thanks.”  Sure, you appreciate the gesture but you aren’t really involved in the interaction.

And, in fact, why should you be involved?

This is a casual interaction in which someone has done something nice for you and you have acknowledged their actions.

That’s it. You go about your business and they about theirs.

But, think for a minute about being caught in a  downpour and having someone specifically notice you and the packages you are trying to keep dry, run toward the door, and hold it open so that you can run to get out of the storm.  In this case, you might be both thankful and grateful.

Holding the door is the same in both cases. Going out of one’s way to help you out, as in the second example, is a step beyond.

Unlike anger, anxiety, and sadness, gratitude, as an emotion, doesn’t get much attention. It is not problematic, is easily expressed, and often only becomes an issue when someone else, who we think should be grateful for something we’ve done for them, fails to express this emotion.

Hence, it is misunderstood.

Underutilized

Anger, as an emotion, is also underutilized and  can, therefore, be used as an example to illustrate the concept.

Because angry people and the inappropriate things they do are often seen in the news, we tend to think that there is too much anger in the world.  These folks could benefit from reading my book Beyond Anger Management: Master Your Anger as a Strategic Tool.

The flip side of this coin, however, are  many people who suppress, or choose not to show, their anger because they are concerned their anger might “take over” and lead to unwanted behavior or because, as is often the case for women, anger is perceived as unfeminine, unwelcome, or even threatening in some environments.  In these cases, anger is underutilized.  These folks could improve their lives and their relationships by utilizing their anger more but doing so in a more adaptive way.  For them, mastering anger would also be an improvement.

For gratitude, however, the situation is different.

Gratitude is most likely not expressed more because it just is not considered relevant.   People don’t usually avoid feeling gratitude.

But, going back to my Headline: The Benefits of “Gratitude….”

Did you know that, based on research, there are numerous benefits that come to the person who is grateful.

Keep reading…

According to an article posted on  positivepsychology.com, gratitude can:

• help you make friends
• improve your physical health
• improve your psychological health
• enhance empathy and reduce aggression
• improve your sleep
• enhance your self-esteem

Look, I have not verified these studies and I am not saying that they are all true or that you will experience any of these benefits.

I am, however, suggesting that  there is a real possibility that expressing gratitude or appreciation toward the good things that people do for you or, if you believe in a benevolent “Universe”, the good things that are bestowed upon you, could very well benefit you.  And, at the very least, will not harm you any way.

So, you have nothing to lose and lots to gain.

So, how do you begin to do this?

While the article I cited above does have some suggestions, if you are not psychologically minded, the suggestions may seem a bit wonky.

To me, something you can do right now is to begin to be more mindful of your interactions with others.

Mindfulness involves paying attention to and being aware of what is happening to you in the moment. Being mindless is to react to what is going on out of habit.

In other words, take yourself off of “auto-pilot” in your relationships with others and attempt to consciously think about how others interact with you and how you want to respond to them.

Let me give you an example of being on “auto-pilot”.  And, I am not suggesting that you eliminate “auto-pilot” because, when appropriate, being on “auto-pilot” enables you to multitask.

When you shower in the morning and go through your hair-washing routine, have you ever found yourself wondering if you used the conditioner?  You did, of course, but it is as if you weren’t even there.  And, the interesting part is that on the level of consciousness, you weren’t there because you were thinking of something else.

The same thing happens when you can’t “remember” where you put your car keys.  Memory isn’t the issue, you were thinking about something else (You weren’t mindful) when you tossed your keys down.  So, the location never made it into memory in the first place and wasn’t available to you when you tried to access it.

So, regarding gratitude, stay in the moment.  Someone does something nice for you, consciously thank them and think about appreciating their interaction with you.

It will take some time to begin expressing gratitude as an ongoing part of your interactions with others.

But, stay with it and it will happen.

If you are in the US, Happy Thanksgiving.

If you are not in the US, Happy Thanks-giving.

Part 4 will be published in two weeks.

 

 

 

This is a reprint of an answer to the above question I received on Quora.com.

Madhura:

This is an interesting question and two of the answers you received which suggest taking a deep breath are correct but limited.

The third answer suggesting that you won’t get angry as you mature is problematic as it doesn’t seem to understand what anger is and may perpetuate a myth that anger can (or even should) be eliminated. The answer, however, is correct, in noting that anger can be mitigated or, as I talk about, mastered by using your ability to think through what it is that is eliciting (not causing) your anger.

That being said, you have asked about two feelings: anger and frustration. While frustration can certainly lead to anger, these two are not the same.

The quick answer to your question is that when you experience either anger or frustration there are two physical actions you need to take. The order in which you take these first two actions is not important. That you do both is important.

The first action involves taking a step back from the situation and the second is to take a deep breath.

Taking a physical step back from the situation creates a physical space between you and the situation. This is particularly important if anger is the emotion you are dealing with because this step backwards creates some safety for you.

The second action (again, order is not critical) is to take a deep breath. The purpose of taking a deep breath is to create some psychological space between you and the situation.

The deep breath does this in two ways.

First of all, a deep breath is a natural relaxant. The deep breath can lead to you relaxing your muscles just enough so that you release some of the natural muscle tension that occurs when the emotional cycle (anger) prepares your body for war. The message of anger is that you perceive a threat that you can eliminate if you throw enough force at it. Anger prepares you to attack and muscle tightening and a focusing of your attention on the “threat” occur without your having to think about them. Both of these reactions are mediated by the Limbic System in your brain.

Secondly, taking a deep breath provides some psychological space because it temporarily shifts your focus away from the threat. The purpose of creating psychological space is that it enables you to engage the thinking part of your brain (your cerebral cortex). Your cortex allows you to assess the nature of the threat and choose how you want to respond to it.

The emotion of frustration is different. The message of frustration is that a goal toward which you are moving has in some way been blocked. Put another way, your frustration is another way of saying “This (whatever the block is) should not be happening!”

With frustration, the same two steps of taking a physical step back and a deep breath are also appropriate. The step back from the situation which is blocking you isn’t for safety but to reinforce the deep breath which prepares you to think about what is going on, assess it, and choose what you want to do to correct it, learn from it, and move past it.

I have written two books dealing with mastering emotions as tools both of which are available on Amazon. The first is Emotions as Tools and the second is Beyond Anger Mastery.

The focus of both books is that all emotions can be viewed as tools which, just like your cell phone, computer, TV remote or fancy sewing machine, can be understood and mastered so they work better for you.

Emotional mastery involves understanding that:

• each emotion both communicates how you perceive your current situation and prepares your body to deal with it. This is the message of the emotion which I’ve discussed above.
• the initial perception of the situation and the initial message may not match what is actually going on
• with each emotion, you need to assess the match between what is actually going on and your initial perception the message of the emotion, which I’ve given you above, and
• you need to choose a response that fits what is actually taking place

So, Madhura, when you experience either anger or frustration, the “sensible things” are physical and mental. Physically, you need to take a step back from the situation and take a deep breath. Mentally, you need to assess your situation and choose an effective response.

Finally, let me address the third answer about anger.

While it may be true that as we mature, we are less likely to get angry, the reason for this is that maturity changes the way we perceive threat. Less threat leads to less anger. It is important to note that anger is always appropriate when we are threatened regardless of age or gender. Consequently, maturity should lead to more focused and strategically applied anger not necessarily less anger. The myth that many people believe is that anger is somehow bad and should be minimized. This myth disempowers women in particular (“Women should not get angry. it isn’t feminine.”) and older people (“An older person who gets angry is just being crotchety.”)

It is quite likely that this is not what the respondent meant but I wanted to clear up any implication that might be made from his answer.