This is the definition of empathy I noted in my last post.
The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines Empathy as: “the feeling that you understand and share (emphasis added) another person’s experiences and emotions.”
I referred to this definition as true empathy and stated that I believe it is impossible to attain.
However, in building a relationship with another person, we can achieve what I refer to as effective empathy.
Effective empathy focuses on the understand part of the definition of empathy.
I noted that there are three steps to establishing effective empathy and I explored step 1 in my post.
Step 1 in establishing effective empathy involves being aware of and overcoming the barriers to empathy which might exist between you and the person with whom you are trying to communicate. These barriers act as filters through which what you say is interpreted and, often, misunderstood. Taking the time to interact with another person and find the common ground that you share begins to set up the foundation from which effective empathy is built.
In this post, I will cover Steps 2 and 3.
Step 2 involves using your knowledge about emotions to begin the process of understanding their point of view and engaging them to help you move the relationship forward.
If the other person does not feel that they are being understood, you can’t establish that you care about them or that you understand them, both of which are critical to establishing effective empathy.
The emotion you see in the other person is based on their perception of the situation in which they find themselves. This is the emotional process which I addressed in earlier posts on this blog.
Each emotion communicates a different message. When you understand the message of the emotion, you can address the concerns of the other person.
The message of the basic emotions are as follows:
- Anger: I perceive a threat which I believe I can eliminate if I throw enough force at it.
- Anxiety: I perceive a possible threat in the future that MAY hurt me.
- Guilt: I have done something wrong that I need to make right.
- Regret: I either did (or did not) do something that led to a negative outcome that I am powerless to correct.
- Sad: I have lost something or someone who was very important to me.
As an example, if a person is angry with you, you can infer that they perceive a threat.
Knowing this, you can begin to establish effective empathy by attempting to determine the threat they perceive. Are you the threat? Is a new policy the threat? Has something changed in the work setting?
You might say, “I can see that you are angry.” This is the beginning of empathy but does not establish effective empathy.
To be effective, you need to add, “Can you help me understand what it is that you are angry about?”
When they tell you the object of their anger and you realize that this situation is perceived as a threat, you can then work with them to eliminate the perceived threat in such a way that both of you get what you want.
Step 3 involves showing the other person that you do understand their point of view.
You also need to validate their feelings about the issue that both of you are trying to resolve. Validation involves acknowledging that their feelings are real, based on their perception of the situation, and that these feelings are valid for them.
You are not saying the feelings are correct or representative of the situation
This is what “understanding” is all about.
You may need to acknowledge that you are aware of the barriers that exist between you. You can do this in the context of asking them to help you get past these barriers so that the two of you can help each other move the relationship forward.
If you can paraphrase their point of view to their satisfaction, you will have established that you, at the very least, understand the issues from their point of view. This doesn’t mean that you either agree with or accept that point of view as accurate. This comes later..
In the last two posts, I have tried to give you a basic foundation for establishing effective empathy. Once you establish effective empathy, you have options open to you about what you want to do in the context of the relationship, the issues at hand, the barriers which exist between you and the other person which must be overcome, and any available resolutions which will help you and the other person achieve mutually beneficial ends.