Category: Anger

I contribute to a website where people ask questions.  Several people noted that their sadness seemed to transform into anger and they wondered why this happened.  I wanted to address this issue as you, my readers, might have experienced this (or know someone who has). Note: For those of you who have read all of my posts, some of this post will be a review.

To begin, sadness does not “transform” into anger. Sadness and anger are both primary emotions which exist in nearly all human species and some subhuman species. The number of primary emotions varies depending on whose list you look at but most writers in the field agree that the main primary emotions are mad (anger), sad, glad (happy), fear, disgust and surprise. If you have kids, you will have noticed these emotions appear early in your kid’s development.

Here is how the emotional process works… you are constantly and unconsciously scanning your surroundings for any threat. When your senses (eyes, ears, nose) sense a threat, a fast track signal goes to the emotional center in your brain (the Amygdala) which then sends out signals, through the Thalamus, to the body to prepare for a fight or flight REACTION. This is all done very fast and totally outside of your awareness. If you were facing a Sabre-toothed tiger or a marauder from another village who wanted to kill you, you would want this process to happen without you having to think about it. Humans have done this since we, as a species, lived in caves or roamed the Savannah. The emotional process evolved to protect us and keep us alive.

I discuss the emotional process (and the primary emotions) in my book Emotions as Tools: A Self Help Guide to Controlling Your Life not Your Feelings (Amazon)

At the same time as the fast track message goes out, a slower (still quick but relatively slower) message goes to the thinking part of your brain (the cerebral cortex) which allows you to assess the nature of the threat and choose a RESPONSE.

You can begin to understand all emotions by looking at the message of the emotion.

The easiest way to start this learning is to look at the primary emotions. The message of the emotion alerts you to the threat that you have perceived to exist. The messages of the primary emotions are as follows:

Mad: you perceive a threat you believe you can eliminate if you throw enough force at it. You are prepared to go to war

Sad: you have experienced a loss. Your body slows down, you want to be alone so you can mourn your loss, tie up loose emotional ends, and, when ready, resume your life.

Glad: you are engaged in an activity with is enjoyable and which you want to continue to do.

Fear: you have a perceived a threat which will kill you unless you either escape from it or freeze in place and hope it will go away.

Disgust: you have experienced a threat which totally turns you off and which you want to get away from. It might be bad food, a nautious smell, or a person whose company you no longer want.

Surprise: you have encountered a new experience that grabs your attention and which you want to know more about.

While it may seem that sadness morphs into anger, they are, in fact, two separate emotions. What is probably happening is that anger replaces sadness.

Anger might replace sadness in this way. You are sad because you have experienced a loss. You become angry when you begin to focus on something either you did, or did not do, that led to the loss. The perceived threat indicated by the anger is to your sense of right and wrong, your belief that the loss could have been, but was not, avoided, and so forth.

Let me give you an example. My wife and I have been friends with the Smiths (a pseudonym) for over 30 years. Recently, Mr. Smith passed away. Mrs. Smith was understandably sad.

As it later turned out, Mr. Smith’s death might have been prevented if he had gotten some recommended tests that he chose to avoid.

When this information came out, Mrs. Smith found herself highly conflicted. Being angry at a spouse who recently died is not a feeling you expect to experience in these situations and she wasn’t sure how to handle it.

She was very sad about losing her husband and she was angry at her husband for “leaving” her by not getting the test that could have saved his life. As you can see, her sadness and her anger reflected two different perceived “threats” and the body’s emotional reaction to those threats.

When I explained the emotional process to her, Mrs. Smith was able to master her emotions and proceed through the process of grieving (being sad about) the loss of her husband.

By the way, you can learn to master your emotions and strategically apply them to improve your life. Emotional mastery involves understanding the message of the emotion, assessing the validity of the message, and choosing an adaptive response. I cover this process in depth in my book Beyond Anger Management: Master Your Anger as a Strategic Tool (Amazon).

Thanks for reading and I welcome your comments.

Let me start by saying that I made up the word “angerer”.

Think of the word anger-er in the same way you use the word driver (drive-er) or writer (write-er) or speaker (speak-er).  The driver drives, the writer writes, the speaker speaks and the angerer gets angry.

Nearly everyone gets angry sometime and is, therefore, by definition an angerer.  For most of us, our anger fits the situation in which it is expressed.  For others, not so much.

With this in mind, I will discuss  three types of angerers. I should note that this list is meant to be representative and not exhaustive.  Other types of angerers most likely could be identified.

Type 1: The master angerer. This is the type of angerer you most want to interact with or you want to become (if you are not already there). This person gets angry but realizes that anger is a tool.  He (or she) has learned to master his anger. He is emotionally intelligent, understands what anger is and the anger mastery cycle.  While he (or she), accepts responsibility for causing the anger, he realizes that the threat he perceives may, or may not be legitimate.  If there is a legitimate threat, he uses the energy of his anger to develop and implement a plan to eliminate the threat.  If the threat is due to a misperception, he changes his view of the situation and lets the anger dissipate.

Two basic definitions:

• anger:  (a primitive threat detector)
• anger mastery cycle: (unconscious sensory scanning, unconscious perception of threat and the body’s initial angry reaction,  conscious awareness of the anger, validating and assessing one’s anger, lowering one’s arousal, and choosing a response).

Type 2: The managing angerer.  This person gets angry but tends to view anger as a negative emotion that must be controlled.  He controls his behavior, lowers his arousal and attempts to eliminate his anger.  This is the individual who may be referred to Anger Management groups for treatment.  This individual may attempt to learn what his triggers are so that the situations which elicit his anger can be avoided.

Type 3: The primitive angerer.

   Subtype A: The Blamer.  This person, when he (or she) gets angry, tends to blame others for “making me angry” or  tends to lash out without much forethought and later blames the anger for any maladaptive things he may have done. He has a sense of entitlement, feels totally justified in being  angry and lashing out at others because his anger is controlling him.

Subtype B: The Suppressor.  While this person does not show anger outwardly, he (or she) is angry on the inside.  The reasons for not showing anger will vary and may include a concern about retaliation, a belief in the anger myth that anger is dangerous and should not be displayed, or a past experience in which the anger was displayed and an unwanted negative outcome occured. The problem for the suppressor is that anger is a response to the perception of threat.  As long as the threat exists, there is a real possibility that the held-in anger may become chronic and lead to either unwanted physical illness or an uncontrolled angry outburst that exceeds the situation in which the outburst occurs.

Subtype C: The Substituter.  This individual (usually male) is not comfortable experiencing or expressing feelings such as vulnerability, anxiety, guilt, jealousy, etc.  He is, however, quite comfortable with anger.  Consequently, when he experiences an uncomfortable feeling, he replaces that feeling with anger.  The cover-up works to shift his focus away from the situation as it is but does nothing to resolve the issues which exist and which elicited the uncomfortable feeling.

Subtype D: The Displayer.  This person uses anger instumentally to achieve a desired end result.  This person displays anger (looks like they are angry) eventhough they are not angry.

Two possible outcomes the Displayer desires are:

1. Creating space.   Anger, as an emotion, tells people to back off.  This, by the way, is what anger, as a primitive threat detector, is supposed to do and may have helped our cave ancestors survive.  By displaying anger, the Displayer, can get people to back away and give him (or her) some physical and psychological space.

2. Manipulating others.   Another desired outcome might be to manipulate people into doing what the Displayer wants.  When anger is displayed, other people might want to appease the angry person by giving in to them.  When this occurs in the context of a relationship and the anger is legitimate, understanding, validating, and responding to the anger by “giving in” may be totally justified.  When the anger is used instrumentally to manipulate another person, the anger is primitive, dishonest and inappropriate.

If one of these subtypes of angerers is you, and your anger is working against you and making your life more complicated, you might want to take some time to assess whether your anger is working to improve your relationships and get your needs met. I have three recommendations for you.

1. Scoll back up to the “Welcome” entry on this blog and download the first chapter of my book Beyond Anger Management: Master Your Anger as a Strategic Tool.
2. Click on this link which will take you Amazon and buy my book.
3. Leave a comment below that you want more information and I will attempt to provide it for you.

If you have to deal with any of these angerers (except the suppressor), the initial approach is the same.   The main idea behind approaching these people is that they believe their anger is appropriate to the situation. You will use the principles of anger mastery to deal with the angerer and the emotion being displayed.

Note: There is not a whole lot you can do with the Suppressor as he is not showing any anger.

The process of anger mastery involves validating the initial feeling, assessing the nature of the threat, and choosing a response that fits the situation.

Your first intervention is to take a step back from the.  Your second intervention is to validate their anger.  When you do this, you are NOT saying that you agree with their assessment of the situation or of you as a threat.  Remember that the message of anger is that the angerer perceives a threat they believe they can eliminate if they throw enough force at it. They believe that anger is the best emotion for the situation and you are not challenging this.  All you are doing is acknowledging their “right” to be angry.  Whether or not the anger is indeed, valid (appropriate to the situation) will come later.

Once you have given them some space, you can then ask for clarification regarding anything you may have done which led them to be so angry with you.

If you receive some information about the threat they perceive, you can choose how you want to respond to it.

I welcome your comments.

 

Anger is a powerful emotion.   And, it is highly misunderstood.

Some basic concepts about emotions…

The words emotion and feeling mean the same thing.

• Anger is an emotion and all human emotions are tools which you can use to improve and gain control over your life.
• We are born with primary emotions including mad (anger), sad, glad (happy), fear, disgust, surprise and interest. These feelings are tools that our ancestors used to survive.
• Just like the tools in your kitchen (the stove, specific pots, the thermometer, and the microwave), the tools in your office (the computer, the telephone, and the printer), and the tools in your garage (your car, the hammer, and the washer and dryer), each emotional tool has a specific purpose and serves you best when it is appropriately used.
• Your eyes, nose and skin are sensors which, like radar, scan your environment. Your emotions inform you about what your senses have picked up. This is the message of your emotion. Your feelings also prepare you to take action and give you the opportunity to choose whether you want to do something about the situation facing you or ignore it.

The truth about emotions…

• Your emotions are your first line of defense against threat.
• Your senses first register a possible threat.

For example, you are on a hike in the woods and you see a snake on the path in front of you. The information from your eyes is picked up by a part of your brain called the amygdala which registers the threat and causes you to freeze in your tracks. This is done without any thought on your part as your survival may be at stake. The job of your brain is to keep you alive.

You want this reaction to happen automatically if your life is really on the line.

• You REACT to your primary emotions the same way your ancestor, Mr. Caveman, reacted to his basic emotions.

When threatened by a predator (animal or human), here is what happened to Mr. Caveman…

1. He got angry
2. He made menacing facial and verbal expressions.
3. Adrenalin rushed through his body.
4. He was ready to fight for his survival.

When you get angry, the same process occurs, and you are ready to fight for your survival.

The problem is that, while the threat to Mr. Caveman was always real and his survival was at stake, with most modern threats your survival is rarely at risk.

You create the emotion you feel.

A short time after the amygdala receives its information from the eyes, the thinking part of your brain, the cerebral cortex, picks up the information and gives you the opportunity to evaluate how real the threat is. If you decide that the threat is real, the emotion you feel will reflect the nature of the threat you have decided exists. If there is no threat, there is no emotion. When you realize that the snake is really a tree branch, you calm down.

Your emotions are the result of the thoughts you have about your situation. You create your thoughts and the feelings follow

Because your feelings come from your thoughts about your situation, reading your feelings tells you how you perceive what is happening to you.

For example: Your anger tells you that you see a threat that you can eliminate if you throw enough power at it. The threat may be to your safety, your body, your values, your finances, your goals, or your ego. Your anger tells you that you need to evaluate the true nature of the threat.

The actions you take are based on this evaluation and are your response to the situation. Acting without this evaluation is called a reaction and will often get you in trouble.

A basic misconception about anger..

• People or situations make you angry.

Fact: You make you angry.

I know this is a tough one for most of us to accept so we can take a closer look and use a traffic jam as an example.

If you are in a hurry to get somewhere, you will get upset or even angry at the traffic. If, however, you have all the time in the world, your favorite artist is on the radio and your car and the air conditioning are both working great, you will tend to sit back and let the moment pass. The same situation, the traffic, results in two completely different emotional responses.

If the traffic jam made you angry, it would affect everyone the same way.

The sun makes us hot. It affects everyone the same way and what we think about it is irrelevant.

The truth about anger..

• The message of anger is that you believe you are facing a threat that you can eliminate if throw enough power at it.
• When angry, your body prepares you to either fight off the threat or run away from it.
• Anger causes you to focus your attention and your energy on the perceived threat. Your thinking is directed to how you can deal with the threat you see.
• Being prepared in this way to deal with the threat is very healthy if the threat is real

Real threats involve significant risk to your life, your goals, your core values, your finances, your property, or your family.

It is the anger that gets blamed for the aggression that angry people engage in. In truth, it is the misjudgement about the nature of the threat that leads these people to REACT with aggression when the actual level of risk calls for some other, less offensive, RESPONSE.

• Managing your anger involves CONTROL and is only a first step.
• Mastering anger goes anger management and involves assessing the nature of the threat, choosing an adaptive response,  and focusing the energy of the anger to eliminate the threat.

Three anger mastery  techniques you can use today as soon as you notice you are getting angry…

I. Take a deep breath before you take any other action.

What does this do?

Taking a deep breath does two important things:

• First of all, it has a calming effect on you.
• Secondly, it gives you an extra second or two for your cortex to kick in so you can evaluate the nature of the threat.

II. Evaluate the nature of the threat.

What does this do?

Evaluating the nature of the threat allows you to choose a response that fits the situation rather than react to your first impression which may not be correct if there really is no threat.

Take a moment to ask yourself these questions:

1. What is at risk?
2. How real is the threat?

For example:

• Will the traffic jam I am stuck in kill me, my goals, or my core values?
• While I do not want to stay at work, what are the life or death consequences at stake when my boss tells me that I have to work overtime?

III. CHOOSE the RESPONSE that best fits the nature of the threat.

If the risk is to your life, your core values, or your primary goals, you have only one choice

• Use all the power provided by your anger that you need to overcome the threat.

Note: You can always choose what means you will use to eliminate the threat.

If the threat is not significant, you have three choices:

• Choose an action that deals with the situation as it is.
• Choose to walk away from the situation.
• Choose to let it pass by ignoring it.

Choosing your response based on your evaluation is using your anger as a tool to interact with your environment. This is mastering your anger.

I welcome your comments.

In an earlier post, I noted that all of the primary emotions, with the exception of glad (happiness) and surprise, were primitive threat detectors designed by evolution to insure our survival as a species.  The “job” of these primitive emotions was, and is, to alert us to the presence of, prepare our bodies to deal with, and motivate us to take any action necessary to eliminate the perceived threat. This is the fast track message from the senses to the amygdala. Each emotion has a different message.

Remember that the message of anger is that you perceive a threat that you believe you can eliminate if you throw enough force at it.  You see yourself in a situation where you, your values, your physical body, and so forth are vulnerable and you are prepared to go to war.

While this is true, there is a deeper component to the emotional message of anger that, while often overlooked, is crucial to both understanding and mastering emotion.  This is the cognitive component of moral judgement.

Here is how it works..

You get angry at something someone has done but you may not know what is it about their actions that has elicited your anger.  I say elicited and not “caused” as it is your perceptions of the situation that are the underlying cause of your emotions). The primary component underlying your anger is the perception of threat. Their actions have put something important to you at risk. You believe that your beliefs, your values, your goals, or your physical person are being attacked and are vulnerable and that they need to be defended.

Two other components underlying your anger is your perception that the other person’s action are:

• wrong (You judge what they have done as violating your values.)

and

• intentional (You believe that they have chosen to do what they did.).

Both of these elements are critical to anger.

If the other person’s actions are inappropriate or unlikable but not, in your judgement, wrong, you might choose to avoid the other person or comment on the behavior but there is no threat and, therefore, no anger.

If what the other person does is accidental, they are not aware of the impact their actions have had, or they are not directly responsible, for some reason, for what they have done, you might not like what they did and you may take action to correct it, but you do not interpret their actions as a choice they have made or as a threat and you are not angry.

Let’s take the example of someone who knocks over and breaks a lamp in your living room.

If the lamp goes down because that person accidentally hits it or because he, or she, is roughhousing with your kid and gets too close to the lamp, you may chide the person for being careless but you don’t hold onto or stay angry at them (If you get angry at all.). There is no threat to your values, you may think his actions are wrong because the lamp is broken, but there was no intention to break the lamp.

If, however, the person has consumed too much alcohol and angrily kicked the table with the lamp on it to “make a point”, “blow off some steam”, or avoid hitting you, your sense of right and wrong has been violated (the threat), a good lamp has inappropriately  been broken (His actions are wrong.), and he (or she) is directly responsible for what they did (He “chose”  to drink too much.).  All three components are in place and you are angry.

In both cases, the lamp has been broken but your feelings are different because of the intentions or underlying motives of the person who broke it.

A second example is that your boss publishes your work under his (or her) name. You get angry because taking credit for your work is a threat to and violates your sense of right and wrong and you know that your boss intentionally did not give you credit in the published report.

So how do you use this information to master your anger?

In my earlier post on anxiety, I talked about V.E.M.A (validate, examine, motivate, and act) as anti-anxiety techniques.  V.E.M.A. is a simplified, easy to remember, formula for dealing with all the primary emotions including anger. While I will discuss the whole (a bit more involved) anger mastery cycle in future posts, for now, let’s focus on V.E.M.A.

When you experience the anger, your first step (V) is to validate your emotion by acknowledging to yourself that you are angry and if your initial perceptions are correct, your anger is appropriate. You are giving yourself permission to be angry.  You have not yet decided what action to take.

What you do depends on the nature of the threat. This is the (E) examination step. Here is where the components of your anger perception are relevant.  If there is any  ambiguity or uncertainty regarding what the other person has done, you will need to determine if your initial perception that they have intentionally acted inappropriately is correct or you have misunderstood what, and why, they did what they did.

If you decide that they did choose to engage in behavior which is wrong, then the the perceived action is, indeed, intentional.  Thus, the action is a threat, is wrong and was intentional. You choose to remain angry and you can then use the energy of your anger to (M) motivate you to (A) take action.

I welcome your comments.