Category: Mastering Emotions as Tools

The key to mastering your emotions as strategic tools is being aware of what emotion you are experiencing.

In several earlier posts and in my book Emotions as Tools A Self-Help Guide to Controlling Your Life not Your Feelings,  I’ve discussed in detail what emotions are and how to use them as strategic tools.  I’ve noted that each emotion informs us about how we are perceiving the situation in which we find ourselves and prepares us to take action.

The information that the emotion conveys is the message of the emotion.

Thus, if you are experiencing anger, the message is that you perceive a threat that you believe you can eliminate if you go to war with and overpower the perceived threat.

If you are experiencing anxiety, the message is that you perceive a threat that might, or might not,  exist.  Anxiety is a future based emotion.

You strategically deploy your emotion when you assess the message based on the situation in which you find yourself and choose an appropriate response.

The emotional mastery process involves:

• recognizing the emotion,
• managing your arousal so you can be objective,
• assessing the message of the emotion and
• choosing an adaptive response

A major assumption is that you are aware of what emotion you are experiencing.

There are 3 main options available to you to become aware of your feelings.

Option #1: Your body

The process of emotional mastery, as discussed in my Amazon best selling books Emotions as Tools and Beyond Anger Management and as illustrated in the Anger Mastery Cycle (PDF) which you can download here suggests that you determine what you are feeling by becoming aware of your body and how that particular emotion manifests itself physically.  Examples include muscle tension, headaches or an increased heart rate.

In other words, which specific muscle groups tense when you are angry (tightened muscles, a warming sensation) verses when you are anxious or stressed (hot and cold flushes, racing heart, tightening of the chest, quick breathing, restlessness, or feeling tense, wound up and edgy)?

If you experience a sensation of warmth or coldness with a specific feeling, what is that specific connection?

Each emotion usually manifests itself a bit differently in your body and you can learn to read these physical correlates.

The assumption is that you can learn to connect specific emotions with their physical correlates if you are tuned in to your body and how it changes with what you are feeling.

Option #2: Your actions (Self-perception theory)

If, however, you are one of those people who not seem to know where in their bodies they experience emotions, there is another option.

Indeed, you can learn to become aware of your own behavior. Examples include yelling, arguing, cursing and sarcasm or withdrawing.

And, this gives you another way to become aware of what you are feeling.

Let me give you an example of how this process works.

Have you ever finished eating a meal in which you consumed more than you thought you would and said to yourself: “I didn’t realize that I was so hungry.”

This is an example of self-perception theory in action.

What you have done is to view your external behavior (eating a lot) and inferred an internal state (being very hungry) based on that observation.

By the way, we all do this with other people when we observe their external actions and infer (or guess)  what might be going on inside them based on what they’ve done. So, you might observe your child or a co-worker and comment, “You look really angry to me.”.  Their response, which is less significant here, might acknowledge your observation “Yeh, I am upset.” or deny it, “NO, I’m not angry!”

Option #3: Your thoughts

But, if you are one of those who is more sensitive to your thoughts than to your body, monitoring those thoughts and the desire implied by those thoughts might be a more effective way to becoming aware of the presence of an emotion.

The Latin root of the word emotion (emovre) means to move.  Emotions motivate (move us toward) a specific action.

You can think of this as a desire as in “I want (desire) to attack you.”  Just like in the above example of eating too much, you can observe your desire (before you act on it) and say “I really want to go after this person. I didn’t realize I was so angry.

Once you do this, the next steps in the emotional process (after recognizing the emotion) is to create some physical and psychological distance between you and the “threat” (take a step back and a deep breath).  You can then assess the nature of the threat and choose a response.

Some examples include:

You experience anger and think about lashing out. You take a deep breath, take a step back from the situation, and choose how you want to respond (direct or indirect attack, do nothing because you might have misunderstood what was done, etc.)

You get anxious and think about escaping. You take a deep breath, take a step back from the situation, and choose how you want to respond (use the anxiety as eustress to prepare for the upcoming event, temporarily withdraw to further assess what is going on and how to deal with it)

You get excited during a sales presentation and think about signing up. You take a deep breath, take a step back from the situation, and choose how you want to respond (decide to do nothing and get more information through research, decide that the information you have is solid and sign the dotted line).

Ideally, you have access to all three options.

For now, take some time to reflect on how you relate to, experience, label and master your emotions.

If the reason you are reading this is that the title of the blog caught your attention or raised your curiosity, keep reading and I will fully explain it.

What do you do when you don’t know what a new word means?

You consult a dictionary.

What do you do if you don’t know what an article or a news story  is trying to convey?

You seek out the opinion of experts to help you make sense of an information source that appears to be ambiguous.

What do you do if you aren’t clear what a situation you find yourself in means?

“Is this a trick question?”, you ask.

Well, not exactly.  In fact, many of the interactions you experience may actually start out being ambiguous in that they can have a different meaning based on how you have chosen to view what is going on.

Let me give you an example.  The phrase “How are you?” is very common.

In most cases, the response you get is “Fine.” or “Good”.  The meaning to the other person of what you have said is that you have acknowledged their presence. Another way to do this is to just say, “Hi.”.

But, suppose, the other person responds with something like, “Let me tell you..yesterday was terrible…”  In this case, he or she heard you ask for a detailed retelling of all the bad things that they experienced.

Same phrase, vastly different interpretations.

So, how can you get some information about how you are interpreting the interactions you have with your surroundings?

The answer is that you become aware of your emotions.

Your emotions are your first window into how you are interpreting what is happening to you.

So, it a very real sense, it is your emotions that inform you about the meaning you have given to the event that you are experiencing.

In other words, your emotions are, at least initially for you, the meaning of life.

Let’s dive into this a bit deeper.

Here is the process you (and everyone else) use to interact with your world.

You are hardwired to scan your surroundings for any threats.  This scanning is a hold-over from when we lived in caves and the threats we faced would, indeed, kill us. Our emotions were survival mechanisms whose function was to keep us alive. These survival mechanisms are reflected in the primary emotions (mad, sad, glad, fear, surprise and disgust).

When you subconsciously perceive a threat, a fast-track message goes to your Amygdala which puts you on alert.  This is the fight/flight/freeze response you are familiar with.  Note: it is actually a reaction in that you don’t really think about it.

This is  you assigning meaning to your life as you have, subconsciously, defined whatever is happening as a threat and your brain has issued an alert.

So, when you become aware of an emotion, you also become alert to the meaning or significance of this event to you.

Or, in a very real sense as I noted above, emotions are the meaning of life.

At the same time, a slower message goes to your cerebral cortex.  This is the thinking part of your brain.

It is here that you have an opportunity to change your perception based on your assessment of what it going on.

You are now moving beyond your initial subconscious emotional reaction to a rational emotional response.

When you change how you view the situation, the meaning of the situation changes to conform to your adjusted perception and the emotion you experience changes to match that perception.

Once again, your emotions reflect the meaning you give to your life.

So, while emotions are not exactly the meaning of life.  They are both a reflection of and a window into the meaning you give to the life experiences you have.

Or, to put it another way, the meaning of life.

 

Have you ever offered some excellent advice to a friend which helped them deal with a difficult situation?

Of course you have.

And, maybe, in a moment of self-reflection, you realized how good the advice was and felt a little rush of well-deserved pride. I hope so.

Good for you!

But, and this is the kicker, have you ever found yourself in a situation similar to the one you helped your friend navigate through and you didn’t use your own advice?

The answer for most of us, including me, is “yes”.

And, yes, when it happens to me (a qualified expert in these matters), I feel kind of silly, have to laugh at myself,  forgive myself, and reevaluate the choices I have made.

When I taught a Personal Growth class at the University where I teach, I would often answer questions from the students noting that I was much better at helping them solve their issues that I was solving my own.  The reason for this is that I was objective and unburdened  by emotions when I responded to their issues so I could easily and quickly access my experiences and knowledge to formulate an answer to their question.

In my own case, however, I was often very subjective  and emotional.

This subjectivity clouded my judgement and left me less effective as a problem solver.

I had the necessary knowledge but I was too close to the situation and the knowledge I had didn’t kick in.

From this perspective, here is my self-help secret…

When you are facing an issue that is problematic, troublesome, and emotional for you, follow these six steps:

1. take a piece of paper and write out the issue as you understand it to be.  Note: the “facts” of the situation are not critical here as it is your interpretation that is critical.
2. imagine that a friend of yours has approached you with this exact issue and requested your help
3. write out your suggestions to your friend’s request.
4. put the suggestions you’ve written away for a day or two
5. pull out the suggestions  you wrote down
6. commit to follow the advice that is written down in front of you.

While this “secret” may not work in every situation and you may have to seek some outside input, it will be effective in many situations because:

• you are a good “advice giver” when you are objective
• this process helps you be objective
• the 1-2 day cooling off period gives you some distance from the issue
• you’ve committed to following your own advice.

I hope this helps.

I have written extensively about emotions.

I have discussed the emotions  of mad, sad, fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, jealousy and disgust as:

• primitive threat detectors
• tools
• a source of information about the situation in which you find yourself
• a source of information about how others view you
• and so forth

I have noted that what Fredrickson calls the “positive” emotions such as happiness communicate the message that the situation in which you find yourself is a pleasurable one and motivate you to continue to engage in what you are doing.

Recently, I thought about emotions in the context of being inspirational and  connecting emotions with being inspired was entirely new to me.

Dictionary.com defines inspired as: to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence.

I am well aware of great speakers who excited their audiences and inspired them to take action to fight an enemy, pursue a worthy cause, make some important personal changes, and so forth.

However, to approach an emotion such as anger, anxiety, sadness and even guilt through the lens of being inspired by the emotion while incorporating the idea of being motivated, as by a great speech or piece of literature, was different.

Using your own emotions as a source of inspiration gives you an enormous source of both personal insight, energy and self-control.

Let me explain.

When you strategically deploy your emotions as tools, you experience the emotion and validate it as evidence of how you initially perceive the situation in which you find yourself.

Once you have accepted your initial emotion, you go into management mode which involves controlling the level of your emotion so that you don’t overreact.  Management also involves creating psychological safety (if needed) by taking a breath and physical safety (if needed) by taking a step back from the situation.

Emotional mastery suggests that you assess your situation to determine whether your initial perception is accurate or if, for some reason, you have misunderstood what took place.

Based on this assessment, you can choose how you want to respond to the situation.

If your initial perception was accurate, you can use the energy of the emotion to effectively deal with what is going on.  This is using your emotion as a motivator and is what emotions have done for humans since we lived in caves.

If your initial perception was inaccurate, you can choose to change your perception which will then elicit a different emotion and plan of action.

This is a one-and-done approach.  You deal with the situation and move on.

It is also where most of the self-help literature (including mine) end.

To be inspired by the emotion:

• is a step beyond strategic mastery and
• occurs after you have used the emotion to help you deal with a specific situation.

To be inspired by an emotion involves:

•  viewing that feeling as having a degree of importance and influence beyond just being  a tool or a source of information leading you to take a particular action.
• being curious about what that emotion tells you about you and how you interact with your environment
• letting that feeling motivate or inspire you to learn about yourself, what it was about that situation and any experiences you brought to the situation that elicited the specific feeling you experienced, what can you learn which might be beneficial the next time you experience this feeling and so forth.

Does this mean you have to deep dive into you and do a self-analysis?  Well, if you can, great.  Or, if you decide to get into therapy to get some of these answers, again, great.

But, you can start the process of self-understanding (not analysis) by some simple questions such as:

• What about that situation pushed my (anger, envy, jealousy, guilt, etc) button?
• What was I so sensitive to in that situation?
• Is this how I typically react to these situations?
• Was this the most adaptive way to view this situation or could I have seen it in a different light?

Being inspired by your emotions is difficult but it is doable.  It just isn’t for everybody.

 

We see it in movies and people express this belief as if it is a proven fact of life….

You(or the character in the movie) are attempting to deal with a difficult situation and

• you believe you need to “get your  head in the game” so
• you want to get rid of your emotions because you experience them as messy  and distracting.

In other words, you want to be totally rational and not emotional so that you can use your head to develop solutions to the problems you are facing.

While there is some truth to this widely held belief, it doesn’t tell the whole story.

While you may not be a StarTrek fan, you probably are familiar with the character of Mr. Spock.

Mr. Spock is a Vulcan and the Vulcans pride themselves on their ability to eliminate emotions and only use their rational intellects to solve problems and interact with others. Emotions and intellect are mutually exclusive because emotions are imprecise and distracting, and can elicit actions which can worsen the issues that need to be resolved.

In one episode, Mr. Spock is in command of a small team that is stranded on a  hostile planet.  In order to save his crew, he makes all the right decisions but gets all the wrong responses from his team who are dealing with emotional issues.

While you could argue about what transpires between Mr. Spock and his crew, the point of the episode is that many situations require an interaction between emotions and intellect.

I will explore this interaction in this post.

The statement that you must think about a situation and remain unemotional implies that being rational and being emotional are mutually exclusive and that one may be better than the other.

This gives a false impression.

Yes, there are situations where emotions are not productive and a purely rational decision is both necessary and appropriate.

War and just about any crisis situation including emergencies which require immediate and decisive action are examples.

However, in most of the situations in which you find yourself (especially those which involve other people) emotionality and rationality are complimentary.

Think about the concept of pain as a metaphor for emotions.

Noone likes to hurt but pain informs you that you need to take action.  It doesn’t tell you what action to take.

This depends on circumstances and involve:

• The meaning you assign to your pain
• What actions you decide to take regarding your pain.
• The role your pain plays in your life.

Pain as a Variable

As an exampe:  The phrase “no pain no gain” informs you that if you don’t feel the burn when exercising, your muscles are not growing.  However, too much pain should tell you that you may have damaged yourself in some way and you need to stop and recover.

The Inability to Feel Pain

I know of someone who has Spina Bifida.  He has no nerves below his waist.  On one occasion, when he was younger, he got too close to a campfire and his pants caught fire.  He only became aware that he was in danger when he smelled the burning pants.

He has no sensation of pain in his legs to warn him that he is in danger and that he needs to take evasive action.

Pain as a “threat detector”

In many ways, your pain receptors are threat detectors that alert you to the possibility that future damage may negatively impact your body. In other words, they are threat detectors which give you an opportunity to take effective preventative action.

The experience  of pain tells you very emphatically..

• that something is wrong
• what you are doing has the capacity to damage you in some way
• that you need to stop what you are doing and evaluate your situation.

As I described in my book Emotions as Tools: Control Your Life not Your Feelings, the US is protected by a system which electronically sets up a perimeter around our country.  The purpose of this electronic perimeter is to alert us to any incoming threat such as a missile early enough to allow us to take protective action and eliminate the threat. This electronic perimeter is a technological threat detector.

Many of your emotions are primitive threat detectors.

Your emotions are also an early warning system that alerts you to a situation that may warrant your attention.

Your emotions also prepare your body to take some action.

Emotions alert you to possible threat.  Your intellect will tell you what actions to take.

Here is how the emotional system works:

You are hard wired to subconsciously scan your surroundings for threat.

When the emotional center in your brain (the Amygdala) detects a threat, it sends a fast track message to an alert center in your brain (the Thalamus) which prepares your body for a quick reaction. This is the Fight/Flight/Freeze  behavior you’ve heard about.

This is the emotion that you experience.

The specific reaction you are primed to take is related to the nature of the threat you perceive and is reflected in the emotion that you experience.  This is the “message” of the emotion.

Anger: The threat is both eminent and is such that I can eliminate it by throwing enough force at it.  Anger prepares you for war.

Anxiety: There is uncertainty regarding the threat which may or may not exist in the future.  Anxiety either motivates you to take some action to prepare for the threat or it leaves you powerless and feeling overwhelmed.

Disgust: The threat is something that turns your stomach and that must be avoided. Disgust motivates you to remove yourself from the threat or to remove the threat from you.

Sad: The threat is that you have lost someone or something that was very important to you.  Sadness motivates you to withdraw, mourn, and recover from the loss.

Happy: The situation you are facing is interesting, exciting, and engaging.  Happiness motivates you to engage with and want more of whatever is going on.

Fear: The threat you are facing is both eminent and dangerous.  Fear prepares you to move away from and get out of the situation.  Sometimes, fear can immobilize you. The nature of the threat is the same.

I think you get the idea.

Emotions and logic as complimentary.

While always reflective of how you perceive the situation and, therefore, valid and worthy of consideration, the emotion you experience is not always accurate or indicative of what is actually taking place.

Huh, you say, what does this mean?

Well, if your understanding, interpretation or perception of the event is inaccurate, the emotion you feel will not be accurate.

Have you ever worried about what someone is thinking about you only to find out later that they were not thinking about you at all?

There was a study that was done many years ago in which volunteers were asked to go into a bar wearing T-shirts with slogans which were designed to be provacative to the people who normally frequented the bar. (For example derogative country music slogans in a country music bar).  When they left the bar, all the subjects thought that they had been the center of attention.  Most of the patrons in the bar, when questioned, indicated that they didn’t even notice.  This is called the spotlight effect.

Or, perhaps, you were really worried about some future situation only to find out that, when it did occur or if it didn’t take place at all, that your worry was excessive or even unnecessary?

So, your emotion gives you the heads-up that something needs your attention.

Your logical analysis then assesses the nature of the threat and chooses a response that is commensurate with and that will help you effectively deal with the actual threat that you are facing.

The Covid 19 virus.

As I am writing this, the US and the World are facing a viral pandemic.

People are getting sick and dying.

If you listen to the news, you can easily get overwhelmed.  This is both fear because the threat is real and anxiety because the threat you are actually facing is uncertain.

The way to effectively deal with the cover-19 pandemic is to acknowledge that a threat does exist (validate the anxiety) and then to rationally decide to take effective action including social distancing, wearing a mask, not touching your face, sanitizing anything that you touch or bring into your home and being cautious.  If you take these actions, you dramatically reduce the possibility that you will get the virus.

And, you will be able to maintain your relationships with others (via technology) and sleep at night.

Your emotions have informed you and your intellect (logic) has helped you create an effective response.

Note: In my last post, I published part 1 of a 4 part series on anger.  I was going to publish part 2 today but decided to give you some perspective on the Corona Virus and the panic behavior you are seeing.

I’ll get back to part 2 of the series in my next post.

Enjoy.

There are many issues involving the virus that could be explored.

This post looks at the panic buying we are seeing and explores this phenomenon from an Emotions as Tools perspective.

First, as the virus is spreading, many people are panicking.  The store shelves are, in many cases, empty of product.  People are lining up, sometimes in the rain and hours before opening, at big box stores to stock up on toilet paper, water and hand sanitizers.  People are acting as-if there is a major shortage of these items while the facts are that if there was no panic, there would be no shortages.

Let’s look at two commodities

Toilet paper.

The shelves at Costco have been decimated.  According to estimates, published in a recent LA Times article, Americans use less than one roll per week on average.  So, if your household has 15 people in it, you would rip through a 30 pack of Kirkland Signature two-ply over the 14 day quarantine period.  If you are a couple, the one Costco pack of toilet paper would last you four months.

Hand Sanitizers

The experts tell us that properly washing hands for 20 secs is both more effective and better for you than hand sanitizers.  So, if you wash when you can and only use the sanitizer when water is not available, how many bottles of hand sanitizer do you need?

I am not saying that people should not buy what they need. They do and should.  But, to panic and stockpile to the detriment of everyone who needs these commodities is both unnecessary and potentially harmful.

Hoarding, however, is an emotional issue with real world implications such as the shortage of respirator masks which can impact the ability of first responders to have access to the safety they need to protect themselves and the people they are attempting to save.

The Emotional Issue

Panic can be viewed as an extreme form of anxiety.

Anxiety is a future based emotion the message of which is that there MAY be a threat out there and that threat MAY kill me.

When deployed as a strategic tool, anxiety (as eustress),  is a motivator which leads us to take effective action to deal with the perceived threat.

So, being worried about needing supplies in a disaster should act as a motivator to go out and get what you need before the possible event occurs.

This is what should have already happened in many states. Indeed, being anxious about earthquakes, wild fires, or natural disasters,  should have been enough to encourage most of us to stock up for when the “disaster” arose.

And, it would lead to people buying needed supplies now.

However, what we are seeing in many instances is NOT anxiety as eustress.

What we are witnessing is anxiety, as distress and its extreme cousin, panic.

You may experienced anxiety as distress when you were asked to give a speech at work, or you needed to “confront” someone, and you took no action  (immobility)  because the anxiety level was so high.

In other words, you froze (choked).

Anxiety as distress is very common and probably familiar to most of us.

Anxiety, as distress can also lead to extreme overreacting.

Panic and many phobias are examples of extreme overreacting .

Panic

Panic, as an emotion and the action that this emotion elicits, happens because of two psychological processes.

By the way… please notice that I said above that the emotion of panic ELICITS or leads to an action.  The emotion does not CAUSE the action to occur.

The first psychological process involves acting as if the threat is  certain and imminent.  In other words, it will happen and it will happen soon.

The second psychological process involves catastrophising.

Catastrophising involves..

• projecting yourself into the future
• focusing your energy only on the worst case scenario and
• acting as if the worst case scenario is the only possible outcome.

This is what we are seeing in the stores.

People are acting..

• as if there is a massive shortage (there is),
• that the shortage is real (it is a result of our actions)and
• that they will be suffer horribly because of the shortage (if we act mindfully, there will be no suffering)

The unexplored and (largely) incorrect reasoning here is..

• the municipal water supply will become impaired,
• Proctor and Gamble and Georgia Pacific will no longer be producing toilet paper and people will have to perform their personal hygiene any (primitive) way they can and
• the lack of hand sanitizer will leave them extremely exposed and vulnerable to the virus.

While all of these are possibly true, none of them, as of this writing, have occurred.

• The water supply has not been impacted.
• Stores are restocking shelves.
• Toilet paper is being produced.
• Washing hands is just as effective as hand sanitizer and formulas for creating sanitizing wipes at home have been published.
• The virus is real.

The bottom line is that we do not have a supply chain catastrophe.

What we have is a pandemic and need to act accordingly.

The ANTIDOTE to anxiety as distress.

The prescription for avoiding anxiety as distress (and panic) is mindfulness.

A lot has been written about mindfulness as you will see if you google it.

In its most basic and useable form, mindfulness simply means to be in the moment.  It has been associated with meditation but you can be mindful and present in the moment without meditating.

The reason that mindfulness counteracts anxiety as distress and panic is that when you are in the moment, you attempt to assess what is actually happening choose the most effective response to help you both manage the present and plan for the future.

When you are present in the moment, you recognize any attempt by your mind to catastrophize because you are aware that your focus is only on a worst case scenario occurring at some future time.

You also recognize that we are, in fact, experiencing a pandemic and need to change our behavior.  Acknowledging this reality, we can plan and execute the actions recommended for dealing with the pandemic including self-distancing and how we buy what we need.

The bottom line is that…

• We all need to be mindful and present in the moment.  This curtails panic.
• We need to take the recommended actions to keep ourselves and others safe.

When you get a chance, click on over to vigyaa.com and read an article I wrote on looking at the virus as a relationship issue.  The link is below.

And, then, come back and join me for my next post in two weeks.

Dealing with the corona virus as a relationship issue

 

 

This is the second of a three part series of posts covering conflict.  During this Holiday season, issues may come up between you and members of your family or between you and complete strangers. In this post, which was originally published on 9/14/16, I have updated and discuss 7 strategies, based on using your emotions as tools, for dealing with that conflict should it arise.

……

If you have not done so, already, I encourage you to download the first chapter of my book Emotions as Tools: A Self-Help Guide to Controlling Your Life not Your Feelings  by scrolling back up to the top of this page and clicking on the “EMOTIONS as TOOLS TOC_Intro_Ch 1 PDF link.  This is not an opt-in.

If you have ever found yourself facing another person who is angry with you because of something you did (or did not) do that the other person thought was important, you have experienced conflict.

When this happened did your conflict resolution strategies include using your emotions as tools to gain valuable strategic information?

If not, the 7 step process below will teach you how to use the information provided by emotions to resolve conflict between you and someone else or between two other people.

So that we are all on the same page, here are some basic working definitions:

Difference of Opinion: A misunderstanding between two people that may involve some mild emotions and can be usually be dealt with through discussion, clarification, and compromise.

Conflict: A strong disagreement between two parties that involves some action that was taken or some action that was not taken. Conflict is always accompanied by strong emotions. With human beings, conflict is almost impossible to totally avoid.

Emotions as Tools model:

1. States that our emotions are created by our thoughts and how we perceive the environment

2. Every emotion has an underlying message which reflects the perception of the individual that created it.

3. By reading the emotion and understanding the underlying message, we can address how a person perceives his or her situation and help them change that perception.

4. When the perception changes, the emotion changes.

The three steps of conflict resolution:

1. Finding out what the presenting issue is by asking questions and actively listening to the answers.

2. Using the information provided by reading emotions to determine the real underlying issue.

3. Taking the necessary time to address the underlying issues and come to an agreement about how to best deal with the presenting issue so that both parties are satisfied (win/win) or at least agree to live with what is agreed upon (compromise).

The 7 step process:

Please note that you may not need to use all of these steps in dealing with your particular conflict.  Learn the process and improvise as you need to.

Step 1: View all disagreements as a difference of opinion NOT as a conflict.

With a difference of opinion, the presenting issue is what it is. Two people have differing opinions. Depending on the situation, the emotions that go along with misunderstandings or differences of opinion are surprised, confused, possibly frustrated, or maybe even amused. These tend to be milder emotions that usually do not get in the way of further discussion.

Differences of opinion can escalate into conflict if not resolved.

Step 2: Recognize a “conflict” by identifying the emotions (specifically anger) that are present.

If you notice that you or another person is getting angry about an issue, it is likely that a conflict has developed.

This is why.

The message of anger is that the angry person both feels threatened and believes that if he demonstrates his power through his anger, he can eliminate the threat.

When we are in threat prevention mode, we are not in problem solving mode.

The specific threat may be to his (or her) ego, to some goal, or to an ideal such as fairness. When you see anger, it means that, in addition to the presenting issue such as when a teenager gets angry when her parent sets rules for dating, there is an underlying issue of perceived threat which must be addressed first for successful conflict resolution to occur.

The presence of a perceived threat is what leads to a conflict.

Step 3: Keep your own head level.

Adopt a conflict resolution mind set.

This includes:

-Acknowledging and understanding your own perception of threat if you are angry.

-Having mutual respect for everyone and their position.

-Remaining non-judgmental.

-Being willing to actively listen to the other party and hear their story

-Expressing your own story without accusing the other party.

-Remaining open to possible solutions other than your own.

Step 4: Address the underlying issue of perceived threat.

In most cases, when anger is present, one (or both) party perceives a threat. Examples include:

(i) Threat to Autonomy

Strategy: Reaffirm the maturity and independence of the other person.

(ii) Threat to a sense of Fairness

Strategy: Reaffirm that any decision made will only be reached after all sides have been heard and an agreement reached that is agreeable to both.

Note: If the issue is between a parent and a child, a different approach may be needed

(iii) Threat of Loss

Strategy: Acknowledge their sense of loss and reaffirm that each loss also may involve a gain.

An example is when you give up some autonomy to do your own thing and gain cooperation and harmony in an office setting.

(iv) Threat to one’s beliefs or values

Strategy: Acknowledge that while you may have a different perspective on an issue, you accept their right to believe what they want and that you are not trying to impose your values on them.

Step 5: Address the presenting issue.

Once the threat is addressed, the conflict becomes a difference of opinion and the presenting issue can be addressed.

Step 6: Resolve the conflict

Once the issue is addressed, a win/win solution or a compromise can be agreed upon. Or, you can agree to disagree. Always seek a win/win solution first.

Step 7: Finalize the agreement

State the agreement or write it down with information about who will do what by when and any consequences that will happen if “WHAT” and “WHEN” are not done by “WHO”.

Part 3 will be published in two weeks.

This is the third in a series of posts addressing issues related to productivity.

This post, which also originated as a response to a question on Quora.com, looks at productivity through a different lens.  Here the writer was asking if motivation could be external. He is a composer who apparently hit a rough spot.

In other words, he was asking me to improve his productivity.

While someone else can motivate you if they have enough influence over you as I discuss below, internal motivation leading to increased productivity is what most of us seek to achieve.

If you have ever found yourself avoiding a project, procrastinating, or hoping some external miracle would come along and build a fire under you, you might benefit from my response.

By the way, if you are a writer, you might benefit from my looking at my own loss of motivation when I was writing my first book and how I overcame it.

My quick answer to this question was: “No, I can’t motivate you.”

Here were my suggestions to this individual’s query.

The reason behind my answer is that unless I have some influence over you which I could use to push you into action, only you can motivate yourself.

I can, however, provide some information which may help you look within and generate the motivation you seek.

Clearly, you have talent and a unique gift. This is a point you probably don’t give yourself enough credit for. You can, as other answers have suggested think about how much you will bring to others if you complete your work.

To you, my reader… To what extent do you  denigrate yourself and your abilities because you believe that you do not measure up to some external standard or because you are not “perfect”?  If you do and this prevents you from moving forward with your project, I suggest, as do all experts on writing, that you put these concerns aside and complete your project. Once this is done, you can get some feedback from someone who can be objective.

Let me ask you this. What emotions are you feeling that seem to compel you to stop composing? Are you feeling anxious and stop to make the feeling of anxiety go away? Do you start out being excited about the work you are composing and, when that excitement begins to dwindle, do you stop because you believe your lack of excitement is telling you that you have lost interest in the project? While this feeling is similar to boredom, it is different in that boredom implies that the work is no longer holding your attention and the lack of excitement is simply saying that the work you are doing is not “new” to you (although still important) and you need to tap into a different emotion to “motivate” you to complete the work.

I have written two Amazon best seller books on emotions (Emotions as Tools and Beyond Anger Management) and I have experienced both anxiety and a decrease in excitement (never boredom) while writing.

So, let me explain what I did as it may help you.

If you have read any of my other posts, you know that all feelings communicate a message to you about how you perceive the situation in which you find yourself.

Anxiety is a future based emotion, the message of which is that you perceive a possible threat which might cause you some harm in the future. For me, the future threat was that I would write my book and no one would buy it or people might be critical of it.

If you stop composing because you project yourself into the future and see your work as “failing” (however, you define this), then you are experiencing anxiety.

The flip side of anxiety is the emotion of anticipation.

The message of anticipation is that your work might be well received by at least one person who hears it (and possibly more). Anticipation may help you to find the motivation you seek.

By the way, I do not believe that all the works of Beethoven were well received when he wrote them. This did not stop him from composing.

Let’s talk about getting excited about what you are composing.

I almost stopped writing my first book because the excitement that initially “motivated” me to write quickly wore off as I struggled with how to get my words right and doing more research when I needed to.

This is normal. Your initial excitement won’t last.

When this happened, I did not assume that I was no longer interested in the project.  Rather, I realized that the project I was working on was just as important and relevant as it was when I originally got all excited about it and used this realization to propel me through the process until I once again became excited. Excitement goes up and down until you are finished.

To my readers:  I hope that the above comments have been helpful to you if you have ever found yourself “unmotivated” and stuck. 

Motivation, or the emotional drive to move forward, happens because you view what you are doing as valuable. 

Productivity flows from motivation.

This perceived value can flow from several different perceptions including:

• your anticipation regarding the impact what you create will have on someone else   or
• your desire, however your work is received, to “give birth” to your  creation just because it is yours to create

The important point to keep in mind is that motivation is an emotion.  You create your emotions so you can create motivation by changing how you perceive what you are doing.

It is completely up to you.

This is the first of three posts dealing with “productivity”.  In this post, I talk about emotions and productivity directly.  In the next post, I address overcoming “fear” to complete a task.  In the third and final post, I address the issue of motivation.

If you work with, or relate to, other people, you probably have experienced a situation in which you did all the right things but got the wrong result.  Most likely, the “wrong result” was elicited by an emotion.

Please note that I did not say the emotion caused the “wrong result” because emotions do not make you do anything.  But, the emotion can elicit or lead to a reaction that does not match the situation and, therefore, by definition, can be viewed as “wrong”.

Let’s dive deeper.

Productivity, when it comes to a job or a task, involves getting the right job done.  If you are getting the right job done, you are being productive.

This is called being effective.

Now, you can increase your productivity by doing the job in the right way.

This is called being efficient.

Effectiveness and efficiency are two sides of the same coin and there are numerous articles written on this subject and different ways to measure both effectiveness and efficiency.

In a very general sense, if you have a job or a task to complete and it is not getting done, there are at least 5 areas for you to consider:

1. is the job clearly defined?
2. do you have the necessary skills to complete the job?
3. do you have all the resources you need?
4. do you have the necessary authority to do what needs to be done?
5. are there emotions (yours or someone elce’s) which are impeding the completion of the job?

For most jobs, if the answer to the first four questions is “yes”, the job gets done and that is all there is to it.

However, if the job is not getting done, then the fifth area dealing with emotions is where you need to look for an explanation.

Let me give you two examples.

My letter to “Sophie”.

When I promoted to the position of Supervising Senior Psychologist, I had an employee who tended to do as little work as possible, had little respect for policy, and who was clever enough to avoid being held responsible for his actions.

As I was not sure how to handle this individual, I asked “headquarters” for some suggestions.  I was advised to write a general memo to all of my staff saying that rules and policies needed to be followed.  I was also advised to add a standard (boiler plate) statement at the bottom of the memo stating that failure to comply with what was stated in the memo could result in “disciplinary proceedings”.

The memo was generic and was addressed to all staff as I did not have enough “evidence” to direct my comments to the specific staff member who was the “target” of the memo.

When I went into work following release of the memo, I was accosted by “Sophie” who was visibly upset and who noted that she needed to talk to me immediately.

In my office, Sophie informed me, in dramatic terms, that she had worked in the Institution for many years, had always followed the rules, was a reliable employee, and was offended by my “threat” to expose her to “disciplinary proceedings”.

Having been taken by surprise and knowing that there were no issues  with  Sophie, I asked her what was the issue about which she was concerned.  She pulled out my memo and pointed to the “boiler plate” comment on the bottom of  the paper.

When I explained to her that this comment was generic, that I was advised to put it there because it is supposed to be on all memos which “address” policy issues, that it had nothing to do with her and that there were no concerns about her as an employee, she took a deep breath and went back to her own office.

In retrospect, what happened is that Sophie incorrectly personalized the memo, felt threatened by the implication that she was going to be disciplined, got angry at the implied threat and wanted to take me to task and defend herself.

Emotions had entered into and impacted the interaction.

Items 1-4 were clearly in place.  She knew the policies and, to the best of her ability, followed all the rules.

Her misinterpretation of the “boiler plate” in the memo elicited her anger and her anger initiated her attempt to deal with the perceived threat.

The second example involves procrastination.

When you procrastinate, you put off doing a task and you justify and rationalize your avoidance in any number of ways.

By the way, the English spelling of rationalize is, of course…

r-a-t-i-o-n-a-l-i-z-e

The psychological spelling of the word is…

r-a-t-i-o-n-a-l    l-i-e-s

The implication is that the excuses you may offer to justify your avoidance of doing the task at hand including, but not limited to,

• I really need to check my (email, Facebook feed)
• I really need to clean or organize my (desk, file cabinet)
• I really need to (you fill in the other task)

while probably true (and therefore “rational”) do not need to be done now and clearly are not more important than the task you are avoiding (hence, they are “lies”).

In August 2018, I wrote a post which suggested that you view procrastination as an emotion.  I suggest you click on over and take a look.

Getting to “Done”: Master Your Procrastination as a Strategic Tool

For the purposes of this post, however, it is possible that you can know what the job is, and have the skills, resources, and authority to do the job (items 1-4) and still find a “reason” to avoid doing it or putting it off.

This is item #5 and usually involves an emotion. The emotion typically involved in procrastination is anxiety.

As an emotion, anxiety is a future based feeling the message of which is that there may be a threat and that threat may hurt me.

I was a procrastinator in college.

It was only when I got into graduate school and began to self-reflect that I understood my procrastination.

The reasoning that led me to procrastinate went like this..

• If I take the time necessary to do the task right and fall short, I have only myself to blame and I might see myself as inadequate or inferior.
• If I procrastinate and do the task at the last minute, I can do my best in the time I have available.
• If I fall short, I can still justify my actions because I did my best and I can avoid any self-criticism.

Yes, there are flaws in the logic and these flaws comprise the “rational lies”.  But, for me at the time, the justifications worked.

I give this example to illustrate how emotions can get in the way of one being productive.

The antidote is to master the emotions by assessing them and choosing an effective response.

This is what I had to do to overcome my procrastination.

I hope this post has been informative and helpful.

 

 

 

 

I will talk about how to express your emotions to another person below.

But first, I need to address the question that both precedes the issue of expression and is often overlooked by people who write about emotions.

That question is….How do I know what emotion I am experiencing?

I address this issue in my book Emotions as Tools: A Self Help Guide to Controlling Your Life not Your Feelings.   I also provide checklists which will help you identify your feelings.

That being said, let me give you enough information about how to identify your feelings so at least you can get started.

Physical signs: 

Typically, your first indicator that you are experiencing an emotion will be physical changes in your body.

This could include muscles tightening, a sense of warmth, your body preparing to go to war (fight), run (flight), or stiffen (freeze).

That your body is your first indicator follows from the subconscious element of the emotional process which involves your subconscious (and continuous)  scanning of your surroundings for any threat and your brain preparing your body (again subconsciously) to deal with the perceived threat.

This is the primitive part of the emotional process which has existed in humans since we lived in caves and which evolved to help us survive as a species.  This part of the emotional process is very fast and automatic which, by the way, you would want it to be if you were about to be eaten by a saber toothed tiger.

The problem, however, for all of us today, is that this primitive emotional process continues to function unchanged in us just as it did in our cave dwelling ancestors.  This rapid reaction is the reason that many people feel controlled by their emotions, they view emotions as beyond their comprehension, and they blame their emotions for the inappropriate behavior they display when they experience an emotion.

None of these “assumptions” about emotions are true.

1. You are NOT controlled by your emotions eventhough your initial reaction is subconscious.
2. You can comprehend your emotions by reading my book, checking out the index tab to all my posts by scrolling to the top of this page or tapping into any number of resources available to you on the internet.
3. The actions you take or your response  to your emotions are always your choice.  Your emotions do prepare you for a response but do NOT force you do anything.

Cognitive signs.

The “modern” component of the emotional process involves the thoughts you have about the threat your scans have perceived and your body has alerted you to through its physical reaction.

You might be more sensitive to changes in your thinking than you are to changes in your body.

If you are, you will become aware of “threat-based” thoughts which are preparing you to engage with the threat (indicative of anger), getting you all worked up over something that could occur in the future (indicative of anxiety), or, perhaps, alerting you to a situation that has immediate and unavoidable potential to do you great harm (fear).

You can learn to acknowledge these thoughts, accept their initial message as possible, question the extent to which these thoughts match what is happening to you, and choose whether to act on the thoughts or change them to match your situation.

By the way, if your thoughts alert you to an eminent threat and you are feelings fear, my suggestion is to escape the situation and assess it later.  An example would be a stranger in an elevator who looks “okay” but elicits an uncomfortable feeling in you.  Trust your “gut” and take the next elevator.  Whether he is or is not a threat is irrelevant.

This process of assessing your thoughts is what mastering your emotions  as strategic tools is all about.

How to express emotions

I have written a series of three posts entitled “How to deal with someone who directs their anger at you.” which touch upon some of the same suggestions that I address below.

Use “I” language

I language sounds like this… I am angry about your comments you made to me.  I found what you said to be inappropriate.  What exactly did you mean by what you said?”

There are several elements in the above statement…

•  I am angry about your comments you made to me.

This person labels the feeling (anger) and takes full responsibility for the feeling.

• I found what you said to be inappropriate.

This clearly states this individual’s perception and does not place any blame.

• What exactly did you mean by what you said?

This question starts with “what” which is designed to focus on the other person’s intent and not “why” which often elicits an excuse.

This question also leaves open the possibility that the questioner might have misunderstood or misinterpreted what was said.

Finally, this question gives the other person a chance to explain, apologize for, or even change the comment that was made.

Stay focused on the feeling and the issue which elicited the feeling.

• Don’t bring in info which is not directly relevant to the sit you are addressing.
• What happened last week is not relevant here unless the actions of the other person is representative of an ongoing and unresolved issue.

Acknowledge that you might have misunderstood and ask for clarification.

If appropriate, apologize for any misunderstanding.

• This is not saying you are wrong.
• This is not negating your feelings.

If you are wrong, acknowledge this directly and apologize.

Be congruent.

• non-verbals should match verbals

Remember the concept of escalation

• Start with the lowest amount of energy needed to accurately reflect what you are feeling. This is being assertive.
• You can always increase the level of aggressiveness if you need to.

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