Category: Other Emotions

fear, anxiety, empathy, regret, jealousy, stress, and more

Holiday rage… Where does it come from and what you can do about it.

In the coming weeks, you will be entering the Holiday Shopping Season.

The upside of the holidays is that most of us are in a festive mood with all the decorations, the music, the food, getting together with family, and so forth.

But, there is a darker side of holiday feelings. With the way the economy is going, there should be a lot of people out there competing for parking spaces and looking for that special gift. This darker side can include feelings of extreme anger (or rage), feelings of depression, and so forth.

In this article, I will address holiday rage.

During this season, we may find ourselves scurrying around to do last minute tasks (get somewhere or do something) and someone (or something) wrongly gets in the way and thwarts our efforts to accomplish our goals.

When we in a hurry, we may feel stressed and outside of our comfort zone (the place where things are going along as they should be).  When stressed, the threshold at which we get angry is lowered.

Note the words in italics.  “Scurrying” implies that you are under some pressure and “wrongly” implies that the person or thing that is blocking your goals is doing so intentionally. “as they should be (going)” implies that we are less in control of our and what is happening to us.

Let’s look at each of these “issues” and see how they relate to increased anger.

Scurrying

When you are “scurrying”, you are already in a heightened state of arousal.  In other words, you are on an emotional edge. This sensitizes you to (and amplifies or magnifies) any possible impediment (or threat) to your goals.

This magnification is similar to what happens when you speak into a microphone.  The amplifier attached to the mic takes your voice and makes it louder.

Because you are in a hurry, behind schedule, over-scheduled, late, or just trying to do too much at one time, you are overly focused on your immediate goal and you will tend to perceive anything (or anybody) who gets in the way of your goal as not only a threat but, because of your heightened state of arousal, as a mega threat.

Remember that the message of anger is that you perceive a threat that you believe you can eliminate if you throw enough force at it.

Consequently, you will tend to get very angry and energized to overpower the mega threat which is impeding your completing the task at hand. Notice the implication of the italicized words. The arousal of your hurrying about magnifies your perception of threat and amplifies the arousal of your anger.

The slow line, poorly written instructions, or distracted clerk which under “normal” conditions would elicit a feeling of frustration or mild upset, now elicits extreme anger or rage.

Wrong and intentional.

To see another person’s actions as both wrong and intentional will always push your anger button. In fact, the element of intentionality is a key component of anger that is often overlooked.

As an example.. you are walking down the street and someone forcefully bumps into you.  Your initial reaction might be to “push back”.  If the person apologizes or if the person is visually (or otherwise) impaired, the “bump” is now viewed in a very different context and there is no anger.

Or, if the actions of another are viewed as inappropriate but not as intentionally attempting to hurt or damage you in any way, you might feel annoyed but you don’t escalate into anger.

So, if someone makes you late by intentionally taking your parking place or cutting in line, the inadequate instructions prove that the company doesn’t give a rip or care about you, the end-user, or the distracted clerk is only there for the money, is poorly trained, or would rather be somewhere else, they are a mega-threat and your anger is completely justified to nullify the threat.

Again, notice the implication of the italicized words.

The way things should be..

This implies that you have a model of your world in your head which you may or may not be aware of.

Your model might involve wishful thinking along the lines of “I wish the lines would be shorter.” This is experienced as The lines should be shorter! , It isn’t right that the lines are this long! or All these people are making it more difficult for me to get my shopping done!

The discrepancy between your model and reality may be perceived as a threat which can then elicit anger.

So, what can you do about it?

There are four actions you can take:

  1. take a breath
  2. Assess the nature of the threat, your model of the “world” and whether or not a real threat exists.
  3. Think about what could happen if you react in the way you are just about ready to do.
  4. Choose an appropriate response.

Take a breath.

The first step when you are dealing with any of the threat detecting emotions (anger, sadness, fear, disgust, anxiety) is to take a breath. Taking a breath lowers your arousal and gives you some psychological distance between you and the threat.  The few seconds or that you gain give you an opportunity to assess the nature of the threat and your options.

Note: If you are experiencing fear (not anxiety), you always want to escape from the situation.

The second step is to assess the nature of the threat and your model of the world.  Perhaps your model of what should be happening is inaccurate given your timing, the nature of the situation in which you find yourself, and so forth.

Thirdly, think about the the actions you are contemplating doing.  This is really a cost-benefit analysis.

Some examples:

Stolen parking place…

Is it really worth risking an accident to try and get that parking space? Probably not. Yes, it should have been your space but there is no “mega-threat” as you can find another.  What if you stop your car and cuss out the other driver and you get into an argument? Now, not only has a scene been created but you will be delayed even more.

To illustrate this, I remember years ago when I got a speeding ticket and went to driving school.  The instructor made a comparison on the board between speeding and getting a ticket.  He noted that speeding might save me maybe 10 minutes on my arrival.  If I got a ticket, the time it would “cost” me to deal with the cop would be more than the time I would save by speeding.  Other costs included fines (if any) time spend in driving school and so forth.  The cost-benefit analysis of speeding clearly showed that the benefits did not outweigh the costs.

Person cuts in line…

You can say something to the person who cut in line.  However, if you approach this person with all the energy of your heightened arousal, the reaction you get might not be the apology you deserve but an aroused angry over-reaction. Is it worth it to get into an argument when an apology would restore the situation?   Probably not.

Poorly written instructions for the toy you are trying to put together at 11:00 PM…

well, I have been there and done that. And, no, getting angry at the company, the person with inadequate writing skills, or the editor accomplished nothing.  I still had to do the best I could to figure out what I needed so I could build the bicycle and get it under the tree.

I think you get the idea.

If someone directs their anger is at you..

The process is similar to the that outlined above.  The only difference is that when someone directs their anger at you, you need to take a breath to lower your arousal so that you don’t react and, remembering that he sees you as a mega-threat, apologize for any misunderstanding (not for doing something wrong). You can then ask him how you can help to make things right.

The exception to the above is if you feel fear in the presence of someone directing their anger at you.  If this is the case, walk away.

So, my suggestion is that you enjoy all the great feelings that the holiday season elicits and be alert to anger if you experience it.  Master the anger so that it doesn’t escalate and potentially ruin your holiday.

Regret: An emotion I misunderstood. Until Now. A Reprint (as promised). And..Happy T-Day

Note: As I noted in my last post, this is a reprint of a post in which I discussed in detail how to master the emotion of regret.

7/13/22

Regret is an emotion that, like anger, has gotten a lot of bad press.

The image we often see is of a tattoo on a buffed arm that reads “No Regrets”.

Or, if you are into humor…”No Regerts”.

In a new book, Daniel Pink writes about the emotion of regret and notes that when you ask people if they have regrets, they will answer that they do not. If, however, you ask them if there are things they did (or failed to do) that they wish they had done differently, they will  say “yes”.

This is, in fact, the essence of regret.

The message of regret is, indeed, that you either did something, or failed to take some action, that led to an outcome that you strongly wish had progressed differently than it did.

This could involve an action you took such as

  • selling the stock just before it split and hit a new high
  • losing a bunch of money because you got scammed
  • “acting-out” and destroying an important relationship

or

It could be a missed opportunity to..

  • get an education
  • tell someone you loved them before they died
  • reestablish a relationship that ended badly
  • start a business
  • buy that house

You get the idea.

The emotion of regret is often labelled as a negative emotion because it hurts.

An example from my own life..

When I was in graduate school, I was home for vacation and my mom was taken to the hospital. I had visited her in the hospital and was going to visit her a second time.  I was outside the hospital in my car and decided that I would run an errand and then go and visit her.  She died while I was on my errand and I was both not there for her and unable to say my final good-byes.

It is important to note that the “errand” was not at all critical.

I, maladaptively, held on to my regret for many years.

I’ll explore my regret in this situation below.

My issue with regret stemmed from my belief that the emotion could only lead to a downward spiraling rabbit hole from which there was no escape.

My self-talk regarding my mom went like this…

  • I screwed up. I was not there for my mom in her moment of need.
  • My actions led to a bad situation which I can’t change.  She died and I will never be able to comfort her and tell her how much I loved her.
  • I should have  made a different decision. I knew that the errand was not significant but I “bought” my rationalization. I acted in a cowardly manner.
  • My actions will always haunt me because I can’t change what I did.
  • There must be something wrong with me that led me to screw up. I was in grad school and knew about rationalization.  I did not acknowledge my own inability to cope with my mom dying. I should have acted differently.
  • I screwed up because I was unable to deal with my anxiety.  I will always be haunted by my guilt because there is no way for me to make it  right.

Experiencing an emotional maelstrom involving self-criticism (guilt), self-denigration (shame) and being stuck (regret) was horrible. But, it is exactly this negative emotional soup that is associated with the emotion of regret and that gives it its bad reputation.

As a Psychologist with the Youth Authority, I had 5 young incarcerated women all of whom had killed their children.  I need to say upfront that while I always maintained that they were responsible for their actions, I needed to help them deal with their regret so that I could help them grow and develop into healthy adults once they left the institution.

In order to help them and deal with my own regret, I developed and embraced  the idea of IWBNI which allowed me and my clients to “eliminate” the emotion of regret by approaching the event as an IWBNI (It Would Be Nice If).

Viewing what I did through the lens of an IWBNI solved two issues which, to me, embodied the worst aspects of regret..

  1. We (My clients and I) screwed up.
  2. There was nothing that could be done to make it right.

How IWBNI works.

Noting that “It would be nice if” the (screw-up) had never happened…

  1. tacitly acknowledges and validates that it DID happen
  2. detaches the “screw-up” from any attached self-recrimination
  3. puts the undesired outcome both in perspective and in the past
  4. allows us to acknowledge and move past whatever was done and the negative outcome it elicited and
  5. allows us to learn from our actions.

While using IWBNI’s, per se, is still a viable and effective approach to events which elicit regret, I now believe that regret ought to be considered a valid emotion that can be mastered like any other emotion.

I’ll explain.

I paid too little attention to the learning potential of regret and it is this potential  that is the key to using regret as a strategic emotional tool.

It is important to note here that there are two categories of regrettable actions.

  1. Actions you have no opportunity to change.
  2. Actions you can do something to reverse the past and create a new outcome.

Category 2 was easy.  If I could change my future behavior, great, regret could be strategically deployed as motivating me to avoid future similar screw-ups.

I, however, had viewed the emotion of regret only in terms of the first category.

Indeed, if you could not do anything to change, or reverse, what happened, I reasoned that you were powerless regarding the focus of your regret and, therefore, your only choice was to validate the emotion, accept your actions, and move on.

To put it another way, the emotion of regret informed me that I screwed up.  Okay.  But, it also reminded me that there was nothing I could do to change what I’d done.  Therefore, there was nothing to learn. Consequently, regret could not be strategically deployed.

I was mistaken.

My epiphany about regret was that you could, indeed, learn from both categories of situations.

And, to the extent that you could learn from your actions, regret could become an emotion you could master.

To utilize regret as a strategic tool, there are 4 steps…

  • Acknowledgment— IWBNI
  •  Context —The BRR
  •  Compassion and Understanding—Self-forgiveness
  •  Consolidation and Moving on—List of what you learned

Step #1 Acknowledgment

As I discussed above, viewing what you regret through the IWBNI lens allows to acknowledge and validate the situation without judgement.  You may still judge yourself and I will address that below.  The IWBNI, per se, simply acknowledges what happened and the truth that you wish it had not happened without any inherent placement of blame.

Once you have acknowledged the situation and your actions, you are ready to progress to step #2 which involves understanding what you did.

Step #2 The Basic Relationship Rule (BRR)

As I have discussed in other posts, the BRR states that everyone in every situation does the best they can given their Model of the World and their skill sets.

While I don’t have room here to go into the BRR in depth, its relevance to the emotion of regret is that you now have a context to understand the actions you took that you now regret. What was your understanding about your situation, the perspective you took in the situation and the resources you had available to you to deal with that situation?

Now that you have acknowledged and gains some insight into what you did, you are ready for step #3 which involves compassion.

Step #3 Compassion

In step #3, you approach yourself as you would a good friend who did something you did not like.  You express compassion toward yourself and you forgive yourself for what you did.

Self-forgiveness, like forgiving others, does not mean justifying what you did  or letting yourself off the hook, per se, for the regrettable actions you took.  Self-forgiveness simply communicates that it did happen and self-blame is no longer needed.

You can let go of your judgement.

Now that your actions have been acknowledged, understood and removed from self-blame, you are ready for step #4.

Step 4  Consolidation and Moving on

The final step involves listing what you have learned about your actions and making a plan to act differently should a similar situation arise (if this is possible) or if a situation that resembles (in any way) what originally took place happens again.

This is you consolidating what regret has painfully reminded you that you to do.

Once you have consolidated what you have learned, you are ready to move on.

What did I learn from my regret?

Whenever I am in a situation in which I know I need to act but I do not or I rationalize, I will step back, take a deep breath, reassess what is actually going on and what I am trying to avoid, and do what I know needs to be done.

I have mastered my regret.

Indeed, I still regret not going up to my mom’s room to be with her in her last moments on earth but I do not feel guilt and, in several situations, I have taken action I might otherwise have avoided because it didn’t feel absolutely right.

And, now that you’ve mastered regret, turn your attention to Gratitude as tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  I am grateful for (among many other things) all of you, my readers, and wish all of you A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Mastering the Emotions of “missed opportunities”.

A few weeks ago, some friends of mine entered into a contract to buy a house. They asked many questions and secured the best deal they could.  When they took ownership and looked further into the house, they realized that they had “failed” to add a clause to the contract regarding any problems they encountered once they moved in.

Upon realizing their error, they began to engage in “regretful” thinking..

“Regretful” thinking involves thoughts which imply both that what you did was, in some way, wrong, inadequate, hurtful or damaging to you, the situation, or another person and that, by some unknown means, you could go back and change what you did.

Here are some examples of regretful thinking..

Shoulda’s…

as in “We should have …”

If only ida’s…

as in “If only I had…”.

I wish I hada’s…

as in “I wish I had…..”

There are several maladaptive issues with regretful thinking..

Regretful thinking can be rather powerful because it has a veneer of truth to it.  Yes, if you had acted differently, the outcome would have been better. The main issue, however, is that you can’t go back and change what you did or did not do.

Secondly, depending on the emphasis you place on your regretful thoughts, other emotions will be elicited by those thought which could be problematic  for you including:

  • regret (I did something dumb and I can’t change it),
  • sadness (I lost something important),
  • shame (I’m really a bad, dumb, or worthless person),
  • anxiety (My future will always be messed up.), or
  • anger (that seller really screwed me).

The Emotions as Tools (EaT) Model informs you of the steps you need to take to deal with “regretful” thoughts and the emotions these thoughts elicit.

The EaT steps..

  1. Take a deep breath and a step back from the situation. This might involve taking a walk, putting the situation “on hold” for a moment, doing some other important task and so forth.
  2. Acknowledge and label the feeling you are experiencing and the message of each emotion. (Deal with only one emotion at a time.)
  3. “IWBNI”      Explain to yourself that you did what you did (We’ll come back to this below with the BRR) and assertively invoke an IWBNI (It Would Be Nice If) you had acted differently. Viewing your situation through the lens of an IWBNI enables you to acknowledge both what you did (or did not) do and the actions you wish had done instead.
  4. BRR.   Eliminate judgement by remembering (and applying) the BRR (Basic Relationship Rule) which states that everyone (including you) always does the Best they can (not the best possible) given their Model of the World (how they are perceiving, viewing or conceptualizing) what is going on in the moment and their Skill Sets (the tools, behaviors, abilities, emotions, knowledge) they bring to the situation.  The BRR does not justify or excuse any action or inaction.  It only helps to understand what took place and eliminate any personal condemnation.  Any judgement of one’s actions, if appropriate can come later.  So, if what you did was not what you have preferred to do, take a look at how you perceived your situation (your Model) and the tools you used to determine what actions you did take.  Did you fail to fully understand what was going on or did you not use some tools to help you act differently than you did?
  5. Forgive Yourself.  Forgiving involves letting go of any self-condemnation as in “I should have…”.
  6. Learn from the situation so that you can make a different decision in the future.  This involves learning from the information you now have to be more aware in the future and make a different decision.
  7. Acceptance.  Acknowledge that your situation is what it is, you’ve extracted whatever learning you can from it, and it is time to move on.  In other words, “This, too, shall pass.”

My friends basically did all of the above.  They finally decided that they would just have to live with their actions and “In time, it would pass.”

As a follow-up to the above, in my next post, I will republish a post from July 2022 dealing specifically with the emotion of regret.

 

Let’s take a look at “hate” and why you might want to avoid it.

I recently listened to an episode of the “Divorce Devil” podcast in which the host noted that while you might want to get past the emotion of hate after divorce as quickly as you can, a little bit of self-hate for a little while (I’m paraphrasing here.) was acceptable.

I disagree as I’ll discuss below.

I also recently watched the news in which the latest shooting was labelled a “hate” crime.

There is, indeed, too much hate in America today.

So, let’s look at the emotion of hate.

The Emotions as Tools Model notes that each emotion informs you about how you perceive your surroundings.  This is the message of the emotion.  I have discussed the Emotions as Tools Model in numerous past posts and in my book Emotions as Tools: Control Your Life not Your Feelings.

The message of hate is that you perceive a situation or person as extremely negative or even demonic.  Your perception of another person or situation doesn’t get much worse than that which elicits hate.

So, your emotion motivates you to eliminate the object of your hate.

Hate is a very strong emotion that is usually reserved for people whose actions you view as unacceptable, evil, despicable or reprehensible.  Presumably, you would want nothing to do with this person because he, she, or it is extremely toxic, negative or hurtful.

Logically, you’d think that your emotional reaction to hate would be to cut ties with or avoid the person you view with such animosity and disdain.

This is not, however, what frequently happens.

Let me digress here for just a moment.

In this post, I am addressing the emotion of hate.  This is so strong an emotion that its presence and the actions it elicits are cletarly recognizable, if not always correctly labelled.

So, I am not talking about how the word “hate” is often used in every day conversation.

Indeed, when we say “I hate Brussels Sprouts.” the word hate is the same word as that used for the  emotion and “hate” crimes.

The meaning and intent, however, of the word in the latter instances are very different.

To be accurate, while you may say that you “hate” Brussels Sprouts, in reality you just dislike them. Indeed, you may even dislike them a whole lot. (By the way, I did not like Brussels Sprouts as a kid because of the way my mom cooked them. Now, when they are served in butter with bacon, I have to make sure I leave some for every body else.) So, while you may dislike Brussels Sprouts, I really doubt that you are emotionally attached to them.

With the emotion of hate, however, your actions are the exact opposite of what you’d expect.  Instead of being repelled from the object of your hate, you bind yourself to the  person or situation just as powerfully as if you were in love with them.

Let me give you an illustration of what I mean.

Let’s look at love.

Imagine that you are facing a person and you are firmly holding both of their hands in yours. Everywhere they go, you go.  And, vice versa.

Think of this as love.

You are emotionally connected to the the person you love and they are with you all the time.

Now, let’s look at hate.

Imagine that you are now standing back to back with this person with both of their hands firmly in yours. As you can see, you are now opposite to them.

This is the basis for people believing that love is the opposite of hate.

But, let’s take a deeper look.

Indeed, with hate, you are just as securely attached emotionally to the object of your hate.  Wherever you go, they go with you.  And, they are with you all the time.

If you truly hate someone, you need to understand that you can be consumed by your hate. Just as you can be consumed by your love.

This may or may not be okay with love.  It definitely isn’t okay with hate.

Anger and Hate

To the extent that you are dealing with a person or group through the emotion of hate and you see this person as evil and a threat, you also are most likely experiencing anger.

The message of anger is that you perceive a threat to your values or sense of right and wrong and you believe you can eliminate the threat by throwing enough force at it.  Anger prepares y0u for war.

To mix anger and hate together can be very dangerous.  The hate tells you that this person is evil and reprehensible and it emotionally binds you to that person. Your anger motivates y0u to take destructive anger to eliminate this perceived reprehensible threat. Under these circumstances, logic and thinking about consequences often are overwhelmed or eliminated.

Think about hate groups, hate crimes, extreme discrimination and prejudices etc.

Avoiding Hate (Not easy, but doable)

This is why you might want to avoid hating another person.

“Huh”, you say, “What do you mean?”

Well, as I said above, hate is a very strong emotion which when you are under its influence can hijack your critical thinking and result in your not taking the important step in mastering your emotions as tools of assessing your situation and the validity of the message your emotion is communicating to you.

Thus, with hate (and anger), you should assess both whether the object of your hate is, indeed, demonic AND whether the actions you are about to engage in (such as shooting someone) will improve the situation in which you find yourself.

So, what are your options?

First of all, when you experience the emotion of hate, force yourself to step back from the situation and take a very deep breath.

This is part of the Emotions as Tools Model.

Once you have calmed down, remind yourself that hate is not an emotion you want to stay engaged with because it can be consuming and elicit actions you may later regret.

With some distance between you, your hate, and the “hated” object, assess the degree to which this object is, indeed, terrible, reprehensible or demonic.  If they are also dangerous, use the energy of your anger to take evasive action.

If you are not in danger, then choose to see them as disgusting and disdainful.

The message of disgust is that you should act to avoid to dispel the disgusting object from your life. Think of Brussels Sprouts as disgusting.

The message of disdain is that someone or something is unworthyof one’s consideration or respect; contempt.

The point here is that, as you are not emotionally intertwined with the previously hated object, you are now in a position to choose how you want to interact with that object.

Getting back to the divorce podcast….

From the above perspective, would you, as a  counselor, really want to green-light self-hate (or other-hate) after divorce in your client?

My answer is “No”.

While the individual who has just gone through a divorce might engage in self-blame (They do need to assess their role in the divorce.) seeing themselves  as demonic or reprehensible, probably won’t help them to get past the divorce.

Hence, no self-hate.

Hating the spouse (tho they might be reprehensible) is not healthy as they need to become emotionally independent of, not emotionally bound to, the now legally separated spouse.

Hence, other-hate is not appropriate either.

Criticism as gotten a bad rap. Learn to strategically deploy it using Emotions as Tools Model and the Basic Relationship Rule.

Note:

We live in a world today when words such as criticism, understanding, accommodation, and compromise are “dirty” words.

Because we are so siloed in our own belief systems, the world becomes very binary.  I am right and you are wrong. Criticism is seen as an attack.

While I can’t address all of the above issues, I will attempt to shed some light on the topic of criticism. 

When you think about the idea of criticism, you probably think of a situation in which..

  • you were told you had messed up
  • you were presented with negative issues about yourself
  • you were demeaned or marginalized or felt attacked
  • the person delivering the critical comments to you wasn’t very nice

All of the above examples imply an undesirable situation in which you are the target of hurtful comments directed at you by someone who may, or may not, have your best interests in mind.

This is the typical way we tend to view criticism and it is the reason that criticism has gotten a bad rap and is viewed as something we want to avoid.

In this post, I will suggest that you change your approach to criticism, utilize the concepts from the Emotions as Tools Model and strategically deploy criticism by view it as a potential source of useful information and not getting emotionally trapped by the way in which the criticism was delivered.

I am assuming that there is a relationship between you and the other person and that you are not being irrationally (or unsafely) attacked.

Let me give you an example.

I am a college professor. My students tell me that I am good at what I do and I enjoy the teaching experience.

But, it didn’t start out this way.  In fact, I started teaching because I was very anxious about speaking in public.

When I first started teaching, I was terrible.  I read my notes, probably bored my students half to death and avoided any feedback (or criticism) because I was not confident enough to receive it.

At one point, however, I made a crucial decision.

I decided to seek out comments from my students and viewed it as a source of information that might make me a better teacher.

From the comments of my students (favorable and unfavorable), I was able to grow as a professor.

Now, I need to say that it didn’t matter whether the student liked me or not.  The reason for this is that even if a student was just being critical out of a desire to be hurtful, there might be something of value in what he, or she, said.

Put another way, wrong motivation… right information.

I also had to learn to master my own emotional response to the criticism.

Anxiety to anticipation

I received.  I had to change my approach to the information I received from viewing it as a possible threat (anxiety) to viewing it as a possible source of useful information (anticipation).

Anger to acceptance

I had to change my view of the information and the source of that inforrmation not as an attack (anger) but as an opinion to be considered on its face value (acceptance).

These are some of the emotions you might need to master as you lead to deal with criticism…

Anger so that you do not get offended and Attack

Anxiety so that you do not get nervous and Avoid

Guilt so that you do not go into self-blame

Anticipation so that you remain open and receptive

Resentment is that someone has wronged or hurt you by taking advantage of you.  They have an asset (power, gender, position) that you do not and they have exploited that asset to gain an advantage over you.

The Emotions as Tools Model

The Emotions as Tools Model notes that all emotions are just tools that we need to learn to master.

Each emotion conveys a message about how we perceive our surroundings. Emotional mastery happens when we accept our perception, assess the validity of the message for us in that situation, and choose an adaptive response

This approach to emotions is adaptive whether we are seeking to master our own emotions or the emotions directed at us by another person.

The Emotions as Tools Model applied to Criticism

Criticism is just a tool which conveys a message about how the individual delivering the criticism perceives the situation.

Our job in mastering criticism  is two-fold.

  1. We need to master our own emotional response so that we avoid unnecessarily escalating the interaction and cut off communication
  2. We need to master our own emotional response so that we remain open to the possible message of the criticism.

The Basic Relationship Rule (BRR) and Criticism

The BRR states that “Everyone in every situation does the best they can (not the best possible) given their Model of the World (the information they have about the situaiton) and their Skill Sets (the tools they have to engage in the situation they are facing).

Remembering the BRR will help you remain open to the message by attempting, when needed, to understand and avoid judging the individual delivering the criticism (the message).

Understanding the Process of Criticism

There are two aspects of criticism:

How the criticism is delivered (Giving) and how it is received (Taking)

In our discussion so far, I have only addressed the taking aspect of criticism and I would like to explore the important characteristics involved in taking (or receiving criticism).

Regardless of how criticism is delivered (We’ll get to this below.), you always have a choice regarding what you do with the information directed at you.

In the above example of my teaching, I started out with a maladaptive approach to criticism. I avoided it.

Other maladaptive approaches to taking criticism include:

  • demeaning the message and defending oneself before assessing the message for any useful content,
  • demeaning or attacking the messenger,
  • stonewalling,
  • superficial acceptance (yes-but)

Approaching criticism from an Emotions as Tools perspective represents as adaptive receiving of criticism and involves:

  • maintaining a neutral or inquisitive emotional attitude toward the message
  • accepting the message as representative of the perspective of the giver and involves both his Model (how he sees you and the actions you have taken) and his skill sets (the communication tools he can use to get his message across).  This is the BRR.
  • assessing the message (regardless of how it is communicated) for any useful content which might help you grow
  • choosing how you want to respond to the criticism including taking the person for sharing their thoughts or implementing their suggestions.

Note: You can always come back later, if necessary, and revisit the way the criticism was delivered to you, the impact of the delivery on your relationship with the person criticizing you and other interpersonal issues.

In doing the above, you have mastered the criticism and strategically deployed it as a tool to help you grow.

In case you are interested, there are adaptive and malaptive ways of giving criticism as well.

Adaptive giving of criticism involves:

  • being clear that your criticism will be helpful
  • using a non-judgmental communication style to deliver the criticism
  • avoid blaming or assuming you know their reasons for their actions
  • remaining sensitive to both their emotions and your own as you deliver your message
  • clearly stating the behavior you are criticizing and what new behavior you wish to see and that they are capable of doing what you are suggesting
  • making sure that your message is understood
  • successfully “closing” the interaction

Maladaptive giving is

  • judgmental,
  • accusatory,
  • often  non-specific and
  • insensitive.

So, the next time someone criticizes you…

  • Take a deep breath (or two)
  • Take a physical step back from the situation.
  • Assess what is going on.

As a long-time reader of this blog, this should sound very familiar to you.

 

Blaming Your Emotions (Person or Situation) for Your Behavior is Always Inappropriate.

The Statements:

  1. “You make me so MAD!”
  2. “I wouldn’t have said (or done) THAT if I hadn’t been so MAD!“

Sound familiar?

The Facts:

#1 is completely false.

#2 has an element of truth to it but is basically misleading and incorrect and is, essentially the same as #1.

The Explanation:

In my last post, I talked about the Emotions Cycle,  the perception of threat (in the context of heroic behavior, and the two processes of Assuming and Acting As-if

In this post, I am going to expand on my earlier discussion and take in a different direction and talk about the impact of believing that our anger or the actions of another person control us.

Here is the short form of the Emotions Cycle in 4 steps..

  1. starting from the unconscious scanning  for threat,
  2. proceeding through the  unconscious perception of that threat (based on whatever “definition” you have currently “loaded” into your scanning process regarding the situation you are in),and,
  3. moving  from the subconscious to the conscious by taking a deep breath and a step back and assessing the nature of the threat and
  4. choosing an adaptive response.

Steps #1 and #2 happen very fast.

Based on your subconscious “definition” of threat, your brain constantly scans your situation and when what it perceives matches that definition the Brain (via the amygdala and the thalamus) puts your body on “red alert”.

(anger) If the threat is perceived as one you can eliminate, your brain prepares you for war. You become hyper aware of your surroundings, blood is rerooted to “essential” body parts and so forth.

(anxiety) If the threat is a future possibility, you may begin to catastrophise about everything that could go wrong and act as if it is an inevitability that it will go wrong.

(sadness) If an important element in your life has been lost (spouse, opportunity), your red alert involves wanting to shut down, cry, give up and so forth.

(fear) If the threat is going to “kill” you, your red alert leads you to either freeze or flee.

So, the situation (or your perception of the situation) does elicit the initial emotional response.

The red alert is an evolutionary process that evolved to insure your survival. Thus, if the threat is indeed critical to your survival, you want your brain to act fast and elicit or, indeed, cause the correct response.

For our cave dwelling ancestors, this process worked perfectly.  All threats were real (not based solely on perception) and they had to be dealt with quickly or death would result (survival based).  So, having a brain which would act quickly and (seemingly) autonomously was exactly what was needed.

Note: Because this threat detection process and the resultant physical/ emotional protective reaction happens both automatically and very fast, we tend to make the incorrect assumption that our emotions control us.   Our emotions do control the initial emotional reaction but not (as I will discuss below) our emotional response.

 And, this response is both critical and within our control.

As our cave dwelling ancestors and the  environments in which they lived continued to evolve, the thinking part of their brains (the cerebral cortex) became more prominent and gave them the ability to evaluate those environments and make decisions about what actions they wanted to take.

This is where it gets a bit dicey for us today.

The emotional process is initially the same for us as it was for our cave dwelling ancestors….   perceived threat—red alert.

The problem is that..   most of the threats we face are psychological and not survival based.

Hence, while our perception of threat is critical to the process, our perception of threat (today) could be inaccurate or wrong.

Fortunately, we have a mechanism for making critical decisions about the perceived threat: the cerebral cortex.

Yes, it is true that your brain subconsciously puts your body on red alert. And, in that sense, causes the initial emotional (anger, etc) reaction.

But, it is not correct that your brain makes you angry or sad etc (your emotional response).

And this takes us to step #3 and #4 (the modern upgrade).

In steps #3 and #4, the emotional process moves from subconscious to conscious.

The reason for this move is that your cerebral cortex evolved to allow you to assess and decide whether that original definition of threat even applies to your situation.

And, to choose how you want to respond.

So, whether or not you are initially aware of your (underlying) definition of threat is irrelevant.

In addition, the original source of that definition is also largely irrelevant.

What is important is that..

  • the definition of threat elicits the red alert reaction.  The brain just carries it out.
  • it is you who decides the extent to which the definition of threat is even relevant to your present situation.
  • you, ultimately, have control over and can adjust that definition.
  • you always have control over the actions you take regarding your initial emotional reaction.  This is your emotional response.

Statement #1

So, the claim that “You made me mad.” is always false, is often an excuse to justify one’s actions, and usually is an attempt shift responsibility away from the angerer to another person. It is your definition of threat which set-up the emotional reaction and your decision about your situation which kept the reaction going.

Statement #2

Secondly, the statement that “I wouldn’t have said (or done) THAT if I hadn’t been so MAD!”is partially true in that if there were no anger, there probably would not be  inappropriate or stupid behavior.

But, this statement has a rather insidious  implication.  In many respects, this statement is the same as #1 in that it implies that it is the anger that has caused the behavior not the decision of the one who is angry.

So, yes, you got angry and in your heightened state of emotional arousal, you made a dumb decision and did something you later regret. But, you assumed that your initial perception was both inclusive (the only way to explain everything that was happening) and exclusive (the ONLY way to make sense of your situation), neglected to assess your situation and acted as-if your only option was to lash out.

Failing to assess and choose an adaptive response is always on you.

Your brain informed you of a possible threat (elicited anger) and gave you the option of assessing the validity of your definition of threat  and choosing an adaptive effective response.

If you opted out of that choice, the actions you took (and later regretted) were the result.

or, to put it another way…

It is always your perception (based on your definition) of threat that elicits and leads to your initial emotional reaction and it is always your decision (or lack thereof) that causes your emotional response (inappropriate behavior)!

The same logic, by the way, is expressed by the person who says “If I hadn’t been drunk (high or exhausted), I wouldn’t have (you fill in the action).”

Yes, the alcohol (drugs) blurred your logic but it was you who chose to get drunk so the responsibility for what you did rests, solely, on you.

I think you get the point!

Final thoughts!

I am not saying that your anger (or other emotion) is always inappropriate.  Indeed, if the threat is valid (someone violates your boundaries, a future threat needs to be dealt with, etc), then taking adaptive action is what you should be doing.

Appropriately assigning accountability may be required. Blaming never is.

Taking personal responsibility for both your assessment of the situation and the response you choose to make is the critical issue here.  If you are correct, your actions will be effective in dealing with the threat. If you are incorrect in your assessment, you can apologize and make it right.

The choice is always yours.

 

 

Emotional Authenticity

I was listening to a podcast recently (The Anxious Achiever) and the topic of being authentic came up in the context of women expressing their emotions.  In all of my writings, I must admit, I never considered the subject of authenticity.

During the podcast, authenticity was discussed as directly expressing the emotion in the given situation.  While it was acknowledged by the host and the guest that it was not always “possible” to directly express an emotion such as anger, the connection between being authentic and emotional expression was never really established.

As I began to think about authenticity, I realized that I had a different point of view.

To me, being authentic was baked into the emotional cycle and the concept of mastering your emotions as tools.

I alluded to it but never used the label authenticity.

Recall the emotional cycle which involves the following steps:

  1. unconscious scanning of your surroundings for “threat”
  2. unconscious physical reaction to perceived threat
  3. conscious awareness of the emotion via the body’s physical reaction
  4. take a step back and a deep breath
  5. acknowledge the emotion
  6. assess the validity of the emotion by comparing what you perceive with what is actually taking place
  7. choose an adaptive response
  8. respond

The above is, of course, an overview as there are many elements involved in each of the above steps.

The idea of being authentic applies to step 5 acknowledging the emotion and steps 7 and 8  choosing an adaptive response and responding.

The common misconception is that in order to be authentic (and its sister..being honest), you need to be true to your emotions and take direct action by directly expressing that emotion in your immediate situation.

To put it another way, you are being authentic to the situation.

While this is certainly desirable and, yes, authentic/honest, it isn’t always adaptive.

And, to me, being adaptive, in the situation may be more appropriate to both short and longer term goals as well as safer and more expedient.

I’ll address this in more detail below.

As there are situations in which the direct display of an emotion is problematic, I am suggesting that authenticity be reframed as being open to the message of the emotion (and, therefore to the emotion, per se) and acting in such a way that the message of the emotion is acknowledged and validated by the individual regardless of whether it is directly expressed in and acknowledged by others in the given situation.

If the display rules in any given situation are going to expose you to consequences that it is in your best interest, in that situation, to avoid, then you might need to take an indirect approach to expressing your emotion.

This is what I suggested in Chapter 10 of my book Beyond Anger Management for Professional Women and in several subsequent blog posts (checkout the Anger category under the Index tab above).

Anger can be problematic for women.

When a woman directly expresses anger, she tends to be marginalized and demeaned by men and (sometimes) women who feel threatened by her anger.  Cultural display rules dictate that women are “supposed”to be nice, caring and supportive and anger isn’t appropriate to this view of women.  So, an angry women is viewed as bitchy, hormonal, etc.

So, for a woman to be authentic, she may have to acknowledge that her anger is correctly both infoming her that a threat exists in that a boundary has been violated and preparing her for battle to right the violation

But, how she chooses to manifest (be authentic to) that anger as a motivator to take action may involve a more indirect approach.  In addition, if she is being authentic, she should avoid deploying other emotions such as sadness or hurt as a secondary emotions or being nice.  She doesn’t have to get excessively angry, but she can be irritated, annoyed, upset or even highly concerned and question what is going on but not nice, sad or supportive.

In doing the above, she is still just as angry and is moving to deal with the threat, but is not exposing herself to unwanted negative consequences  in her given situation

She is being true to emotion while acquiescing to the reality of her situation.

A man in that same situation might just get pissed off and be “rewarded” for his assertiveness.

Men, however, have other issues.

Anxiety, uncertainty or even sadness can be problematic for men…

For a man, expressing anxiety or uncertainty might be considered as weakness.  And emotions such as sadness, empathy, support, or love might be experienced as overly emotional or unmanly.

When a man feels inadequate or unmanly, he may express anger as a secondary emotion.  This, by the way, is the basis for the myth that anger is a secondary emotion

The truth is that anger is a primary emotion that humans and subhumans are born with.  Anger can, however, be and is expressed as a secondary emotion to cover over other, often uncomfortable for men, emotions.

So for an man to be authentic, he needs to learn to acknowledge and accept all of his emotions and then assess the degree to which he can, or cannot, directly express that emotion in a given situation.

If he is anxious about a situation, he can acknowledge the perceived possible threat to himself and go into problem solving mode (publicly) to assess his options. Similarly, if he feels inadequate, he may not state this but he can evaluate his own skill sets, what may be missing, and work to get some help to shore up his weak areas.

Or, he can, in a safer setting, reevaluate the real risk of being vulnerable, discover that he can survive that risk, and choose to express his emotion and be vulnerable.

This is the approach that Arum Weiss, Ph.D. takes in his podcasts and books.

So, to bring it all together, cultural, social, or work display rules may render the direct expression of an emotion problematic, non-adaptive, or even dangerous.  Because of this, viewing authenticity as being emotionally true to the situation can be maladaptive or disempowering.

Defining authenticity as being true to the emotion and choosing the most adaptive way to express, honor and utilize the motivating energy of the emotion is adaptive and empowering and consistent with the emotional cycle.

If you google authenticity, you will find a variety of articles on the subject that go into much more detail than is possible here.

Rationalize vs Rational Lies

In my last post, I talked about how I justified stealing pocket patches as a Boy Scout by rationalizing that my actions were okay because my patches had been stolen by another Scout.

Let’s explore this idea…

A physical example:

Have you ever taken a rusty item such as a lawn chair and put a coat of paint on it without having properly prepared the chair by sanding and applying a primer?

I have.

The veneer I applied looked great but did nothing to deal with the underlying “issue” (the rust).  The unresolved “issue” worked its way through the veneer and came back.

The chair looked great until the rust came back!

This is the physical equivalent of psychological rationalizing.

What happens when you rationalize your behavior?

Psychological rationalizing:

Merriam Wester defines rationalizing as:

a way of describing, interpreting, or explaining something (such as bad behavior) that makes it seem proper, more attractive, etc.

Let’s say that you are thinking of engaging in an action that you know is “wrong” in some way because..

  • It violates an external “code of conduct”
  • It is violates an internal “code of conduct” such as your values by being dishonest, or “wrong” for a variety of reasons
  • It utilizes a “short-cut” by cutting corners, disregarding accepted practices,   ignoring important information etc.

The emotion you experience as you contemplate engaging in a “wrong” act is discomfort or guilt.

You know what you are doing is “wrong” and you initially feel uncomfortable about what you are doing.

Rather than utlize the message of your discomfort/guilt as a motivator to stop what you are  (or contemplating) doing, you  minimize the “wrongness” by applying a “logical veneer” which appears to justify or explain your actions.

Rationalizing allows you to continue what you are doing and quiet the guilt which comes up as a reaction to your knowing what you are doing is indeed “wrong”.

It works for a while.

Until, it doesn’t!

The knowledge of the “wrongness” is like the rust on the chair.  It most likely comes back and results in unwanted consequences.

In my last post, I discussed how I felt guilty about stealing pocket patches as  a Boy Scout and “nullified” my guilt by noting that my patches had been stolen previously so I was justified in stealing someone else’s patches.

Let’s unpack this (rationalize vs rational lies)

A word about “rationalizing”..

While the correct spelling of the word rationalize is, indeed,…

r a t I o n a l I z e

the psychological spelling of the word is…

r a t I o n a l    l I e s.

When we rationalize, we tell ourselves plausible lies to justify whatever the issue is that is eliciting discomfort. The “reasons” you give yourself are plausible because they sound logical but are actually lies because they do not really fit or justify your actions!

In my earlier example,

I noted that some of my patches had been stolen.  This was true.

The lie was that I was justified in victimizing another person because I was a victim. This was not true but it sounded plausible.

And, it worked for a while to keep my discomfort/guilt away.

No “wrong doing”…No guilt.

In my last post, I laid out the emotional process.

In summary..

  • step back
  • take a breath
  • assess (this is where rationalizing may come in)
  • choose a response

The Take-away…

When you notice yourself feeling uncomfortable (guilty) about something you are about to do and you begin to justify (or rationalize) your actions, stop and reframe (redefine) the (plausible) reasons you are giving yourself to justify your actions as rational (or logical) lies.

However reasonable they may sound, or even if they are true by themselves, they are lies because they are not appropriate in your situation.

When you accept that you are lying to yourself about (rather than giving plausible reasons for) what you are thinking of doing, you validate your discomfort/guilt as a strategic tool and, possibly, avoid any future unwanted complications which will come about from the “wrong” actions you are about to engage in.

In my next post, I will address two processes which, like rationalizing, contribute to your misperceiving what is going on and the actions you take in an emotional situation: assuming and acting as-if.

 

A quick note on guilt

You are standing, as a defendant, in a court room and the judge asks you “How do you plead?”

Your answer is “Not guilty Your Honor.”

At the end of the trial, you are either “guilty” or “not guilty”.

In this context, the meaning of the word “guilty” is directly connected to the event in question (the crime) and whether you did, or did not participate in that event.

The word guilty also applies to the emotion of guilt and the belief that you have done something “wrong”.

Let’s briefly explore the emotion of guilt.

The emotion of guilt communicates to you the message that you believe that your actions  have in some way violated..

  • your values,
  • your ethics,
  • your sense of right vs wrong or
  • some stated set of rules of conduct

Two examples…

Example #1:  Rationalized Theft

Many years ago, when I (as a young Boy Scout) attended a Boy Scout Jamboree, I was trading pocket patches with another Scout.  I did not realize until later that this Scout had stolen some of my prized patches.

I was incensed.

Later, when I had the opportunity to steal from another Scout, I did so and justified my actions by rationalizing that it was “okay” because it had happened to me.

(As a head’s up, in my next post, I will discuss the concept of rationalize vs rational lies.)

  • Did I know that what I did was “wrong”? Yes.
  • Did it bother me that I did it? Not at first.
  • Did I feel guilty as I thought about what I had done?  Yes

The emotion of guilt that I experienced was doing its job….

  1. by informing me that I had violated my own value that stealing was wrong
  2. by motivating me to take action to make right the wrong I had committed.

This is what guilt (as an emotion) is designed to do.

When you strategically deploy guilt as an emotion, your task is to go through the steps of the emotional process which includes:

  • correctly labelling the emotion as guilt
  • taking a deep breath to decrease your emotional arousal
  • taking a “step” back from the situation to increase your objectivity
  • assessing the validity of the actions you have taken by attempting to determine whether it was right or wrong according to your values not the context
  • choosing an appropriate response to rectify what has been done (if needed)

When it comes to dealing with the emotion of guilt, there are four options..

  1. assess the situation and realize that you did not do anything wrong, based on the situation, context, and objective reality of what you did that  and let the guilt dissipate
  2. stop the behavior, make the situation right and eliminate your guilt
  3. continue the behavior and attempt to deny your guilt
  4. continue the behavior, rationalize your actions, and move past your guilt.

Options #1 and #2 involve mastering the emotion of guilt and are the most appropriate responses.

Option #3 doesn’t work because the emotion will always come back

Option #4 is just masochistic  in that it rationalizes an unwanted behavior and makes you vulnerable to negative consequences  at some future date.

In this space, I have attempted to give you the tools to understand your emotions, utilize the message of your emotions as motivation to engage the emotional process and strategically deploy your emotions as motivators to improve your life and your relationships.

From this perspective, the best option for you to take when you experience the emotion of guilt is (depending on your assessment) either #1 or #2.

Closure for example #1..

By the way, I acted on my guilt by finding the Scout whose patches I had stolen, explained that I had found them in my backpack, realized that they were his, and returned them.  I still got in trouble but the “sentence” was reduced for “good behavior”.

Example #2:  Exaggerated Guilt

While working as a Psychologist for the California Youth Authority, I treated several young women who had killed their children.

While the “facts” of each case were not in question, treating the impact of the emotion of guilt was an issue.

Specifically, these young women not only felt guilty for what they had done but viewed themselves as “monsters” based on the seriousness of their crime.

My therapeutic approach was to “normalize” their guilt and help them realize that while their actions may have been monstrous, they were not monsters because the context of their actions (including their own abuse) made their actions “understandable”.

Now, I need to emphasize two points…

First. I never exonerated them for what they did.  They did it, their guilt was appropriate, and they were being “punished”.  What I did, therapeutically, was to put their guilt in perspective so that it could function as a learning tool and not as an impediment to their psychological growth.

Secondly, I need to point out that I was never rationalizing or justifying what they did.  The context, in each case, did make what they did understandable.

The context, however, never made what they did right!

The Power of Words 3: “Feeling Stuck”?

                                                                                    This is the third post of a three part                   series on the power of words.  My intent has been to highlight the psychological impact of words we commonly use but rarely think about in terms of what these words actually mean, how they  impact us, and how to choose more adaptive words to facilitate psychological progress.

The words you use to describe how you perceive the situation in which you find yourself are often highly significant for several reasons…

  • The words reflect your perception
  • Your perception reflects your assessment of your situation and elicit specific emotions.
  • Your emotions lead to and elicit behavior which may, or may not, contribute to your successfully dealing with your situation.
  • Like most people, you may use these words almost habitually and not think about what they mean (or what they do, or do not, communicate).

    A not-uncommon scenario…

You are “working” on a project and find yourself unable to make any progress.   

Someone asks you:

                                                                                                       “How’s it going? ”            

You say,

                                                                                            “I‘m stuck.”

What exactly does it mean to “be stuck”?

Let’s take a look at what stuck might involve.

“Being stuck.”

These words only communicate that forward progress on the project has stopped.

That’s it.

There is no information in this communication that you can use to restore the progress you were making before y0u “got stuck”.

Let’s dig deeper…

What is the underlying reason that you are “stuck”?

This information is crucial if you wish to get unstuck because you have to know the obstacle you are facing in order to do something about that obstacle.

Are you….

  •  facing a “wall”?
  •  in an emotional quagmire?
  • have misaligned priorities?

The wall —-

  • There is some obstruction preventing you from moving forward.
  • You need something you don’t have such as an approval, an idea, or a change in something  like a policy.
  • You are lacking resources/authority/understanding/courage.

An emotional quagmire—

  • Your emotions are holding you back.
  • You are procrastinating.
  • You are seeking perfection.
  • You are anxious and focusing on what could go wrong.

Misplaced priorities—

  • You are being “forced” to do something ( it is someoneelse’s priority)
  • There are burdensome time constraints.
  • You have other priorities.

Once you have identified the underlying obstacle that you are facing, you can use the correct words to describe that obstacle and you can make a plan to deal with, move through, and, thereby, eliminate the obstacle.

Examples include:

  • I cannot progress until I get the needed authorization, resources, data sets, etc.
  • I am not making progress because my approach to this project isn’t producing useful ideas.  Perhaps, I need to step back and take a different perspective.
  • I’m not making progress because I am so anxious about how the project will turn out.  The message of anxiety is that there MAY be a future threat.  I need to examine the validity of possible threats, move on if these threats are not credible or take action to nullify them.
  • I am not making progress because I am annoyed that I am being redirected from my priorities to work on this project. Oh well, suck it up. This is the job and, while I might not like it, it is what it is and I need to focus to get it done so I can get back to my priorities.
  • I’m procastinating because I want this project to be perfect.  Yet, when I think about it, perfection is impossible so I will do the best I can and go from there.  That is all I can legitimately expect.

In the last three posts, I have attempted to put a spotlight on the words you use to describe/define the situations you find yourself in.  These words are often not challenged or even given a whole lot of thought.  They just come out and are accepted as valid,. informative and accurate.

The challenge is that the words you use are often not accurate.

Whether accurate or not, the words you use impact your emotions and the actions you take.

Now that you know this, you will be better able to question the words you use in situations that are important to you.

By changing your language, you empower yourself to  take adaptive action. When the obstacle is nullified, you are no longer stuck and you can move forward.

These are links to posts which address other relevant topics to “being stuck”

other emotions

other words

mastering emots as tools