I once had a client who, when asked about his emotions, dismissively commented, “My emotions work for me.”
Another client noted that she felt that her emotions “controlled” her.
Let’s explore these two responses to the topic of emotions.
The concepts of emotions “working for” or “controlling” you might be a bit confusing so let me define these terms as I see it…..
Definitions:
Work for you.
- This could mean that you do not have any issues with your emotions as in “that plan works for me“. or
- It could mean that the emotion is separate from you as in “that emotion just doesn’t work for me”. It just does what it does.
This idea is similar to the emotion controlling you.
Control:
The emotion process happens very quickly and, initially, is outside of your awareness so it seems that your emotions control you. Because your emotions are designed to prepare you for action, they must act quickly and without much thought from you. This, however, is only the initial emotional reaction. You are prepared to take some action. Your emotions do not eliminate your choice of what action you eventually take.
Hense, no control. Only preparation.
The sign on the street which says “slow down, traffic congestion ahead” warns you of impending danger, it does not hit your breaks!
So, while you may experience your emotions as “controlling” you, other than the initial reaction (which is controlling), how you respond to the situation about which your emotions have warned you and prepared you to respond to, how you respond is always a choice.
This is the reason I have recommended that you practice responding to your emotional reactions by taking a physical step back from the situation to give you some physical distance (think safety) from the situation and take a deep breath (or two) to lower your emotional arousal level so that you can assess and think about your situation before making a decision about what response to make.
Once you realize that you are always in control of your actions, you can then learn to strategically deploy your emotions as tools to help you match the emotions you experience to the reality of the situation.
When this happens, your emotions are, indeed, working for you.