All of the emotions (think anger, anxiety, sadness, guilt, shame, envy) which either do not feel good (their hedonic quality) or elicit (lead to but do not cause) unwanted behavior are mislabeled as “negative”.
In fact, while it is true that some emotions are experienced or misinterpreted as negative as opposed to others (happy, excited, enthusiastic, optimistic),which are viewed as positive because they “feel” good…..
there are no negative (or positive) emotions.
Let me put it a different way using some common examples..
- Your smart phone doesn’t do what you want it to and seems to have a mind of its own
- The spell checker totally messes up your message
- The remote control for your TV won’t pull up the channel or app you want
When any of these “tech disconnects” happen, do you label the “tool” as negative and toss the device in the trash or do you get annoyed, pour your self some Chardonay or Cabernet, settle down at some point, and get some help (google, your kids, The Geek Squad)?
Of course not…
You figure it all out and get on with your life.
The exact same situation exists with your emotions.
Every emotion is an adaptive tool that, once you learn to master it, can be deployed to improve your life and your relationships.
Understanding Emotions
The function of each emotion is to both alert you to a situation you are facing which requires your attention and to prepare you to deal with that situation.
To put it another way:
Your emotions empower you to…
- assess the situation
- choose a strategic response
- adaptively take action to deal with the situation.
Empowerment means that you are more capable of handling your situation.
The elements of empowerment include:
- the message of the emotion which is the alert you get from your emotion regarding your perception of what is happening.
With the alert you now have…
- awareness: you are mindful (present and in the moment) and focused on your situation and…
- motivation: you are driven to take adaptive action.
Taking adaptive action involves…
- assessing: your situation in terms of its validity or the match between what is happening and your perception of what is happening and …
- choosing: deciding on a response that works for you and others in that situation (if there are others).
The action you feel compelled to take when you experience the emotion is the physical preparation your emotion is eliciting in you.
Let’s demystify the emotion of Anxiety
Anxiety is the emotion you experience when you are looking into the future and anticipate that a pending situation might go bad and result in a negative outcome.
Examples include:
- Having to give a speech that might result in your looking bad, being ridiculed, making a horrible impression, etc.
- Asking your boss for a raise and being turned down.
- Going into an interview for a job or a promotion and botching it.
- Asking someone out on a date and being rejected.
- Expressing yourself in an important meeting and getting marginalized, criticized, or negatively mislabeled.
In each of the above examples, there are at least three possible outcomes…
- It could lead to a disaster.
- It might not go exactly as you want but it isn’t a disaster, you learn from your mistakes and you do better next time.
- It could result in success.
The reason anxiety is a so-called negative emotion is that it leads us to withdraw from the situation in order to avoid the negative outcome we assume will happen if we participate in that situation.
This is called “anxiety as distress”.
And, it can be debilitating.
Anxiety as distress happens because…
- we assume the worst,
- act as-if it is the only possible outcome and then
- withdraw to avoid that undesired outcome.
To put it another way.. we ask ourselves the question “What if I do XYZ (the situation) and (the undesired outcome) happens?” And the answer we give ourselves confirms our worst concerns and strengthens the desire to avoid that outcome.
Or, in other words…
- I’ll look like an idiot.
- My reputation will be ruined.
- I won’t be able to find that perfect job.
- I’ll get fired.
While these negative outcomes are possible, it never occurs to us that there are two other possible (or even probable) outcomes…
- The assumed negative outcome never happens
- Our preparation leads to a desirable outcomeSo, how do we master anxiety as a strategic tool?
First some definitions..
Master: become so familiar with the tool that you know how it works and how to make it work for you.
Strategic: applying the tool to the specific situation in such a way that it both matches the situation in which you are deploying it and accomplishes what you need it to do.
An example from your own experience..
When you started your current job, you didn’t really feel that you knew what you were doing. You may have been somewhat slow or tentative in your work, maybe asked a lot of questions etc. As you spent more time doing what you do, you began to master the job in that you understood what you do, did it more successfully and found ways to do it even better (strategy).
That is mastery.
As a tool, anxiety is a future based tool which alerts you to a situation which MIGHT be problematic for you and prepares you to take action which preserves your safety in dealing with that situation.
The key to mastering anxiety involves how you choose to view that situation and what you do to “protect” yourself as you face that situation.
So, if you view the future situation as a certain disaster, avoidance might be an appropriate response. This is anxiety as distress I noted above.
But, what if you view your anxiety as a warning beacon alerting you to the need to take action to prepare for the situation you are facing?
This is anxiety as eustress and is exactly what you need to do to master your anxiety.
This, by the way, is what my successful students do regarding any upcoming exam. They get anxious about the exam and use that nervous energy to motivate them to study.
There are two interventions for dealing with anxiety.
- Turning a disabling “what if” into an enabling “if–then”!
So, in each of the above examples, your anxiety can motivate you to prepare.
- You can write and get feedback on your speech.
- You can role-play an interview.
- You can think about future actions you might take if your idea, your proposition (asking for a date or a raise) isn’t accepted.
- You can gather all your facts before you speak up in that meeting.
When you prepare, the calculus changes..
- If I (prepare and have my ducks in a row), then (it is likely that things will go my way)
and
- if (they do not go my way), then (I have a plan for my next move).
2. Survival
You need to at least think about the possibility that the situation could end in disaster.
You do this by asking yourself this question…
“If the worst possible outcome happens, can I survive it?”
The answer will in the vast majority of situations be “yes”.
If you know you will survive even though it may involve disruption or discomfort, you no longer have to avoid it at all costs.
When you are prepared, you still have no assurances that the situation will go your way, but you can anticipate that you will both survive the situation and be in a better position in your next encounter.
That is mastering anxiety.