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How do you resolve shame?

There are two parts to this question.

First of all, I will address what shame, as an emotion, is.

Secondly, I will talk about how to deal with shame when you experience it.

So, let’s jump in.

The Emotions as Tools Model maintains that all emotions have a message.

The message of the emotion informs you about the lens through which you are viewing the situation in which you find yourself.

In other words, your emotions…

  • arise within a given situation,
  • are “caused” by and reflect your interpretation of your situation and
  • inform (or call your attention to) how you are interpreting what is going on

The message of shame is that there is something wrong with you as a person.

Your shame tells you that you perceive the actions you have taken or the situation you are in as caused by the “fact” that you are, in some way, FLAWED, BAD, INADEQUATE, DAMAGED or INCOMPLETE.

Notice that I put the word “fact” in quotes and the characteristics in CAPS. I did this because there is no “proof” that you are FLAWED.

There are four facts here:

  1. You, as a human, are definitely not perfect.
  2. You define your weaknesses as FLAWS.
  3. You can improve, grow and change.
  4. There is no “proof” that you are flawed or damaged.

Let me use the manufacturing process of a product as a metaphor here.

When  a product such as a computer component or a brake-pad is made, it is examined by quality control people before it is released.  If it is “flawed” or damaged, it is discarded.  The company does not want to ship flawed or damaged goods.  If the product is not perfect and can be repaired, it may be fixed and sold at a reduced price.

You are not perfect and may need to be upgraded (self-change through therapy or a personal decision) but you are not flawed. 

Shame can develop in a child when parents too often communicate that what a child does (his or her behavior) comes about because the child is a “BAD” boy not because he or she DID something wrong.

Now, I need to stop here for a moment…

I am not saying that you are forever damaging your child if you tell them “You’re a bad boy (or girl).”  Every parent probably does this on occasion.  I know I have.  But, if this is the message that you overwhelmingly communicate to your kid (AS OPPOSED TO “WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG!”) then you may be setting up your kid for future problems.

A similar problematic situation is one in which a parent denies their own responsibility in an interaction and blames the kid.  This can happen when a parent says, “If you hadn’t done (x,y or z), I wouldn’t have gotten mad and beat you.”

Shame is a powerful emotion that can be used to subjugate or control another person.

This is often the scenario in abusive relationships.

Victims of abuse often feel shame when they are physically, emotionally and/or sexually beat down, treated as if they are worthless and blame themselves.

Now that you know the message of shame, you can use this knowledge to work through, resolve, or reconcile your shame.

You do this by challenging the “message” with questions.

  • What proof do I have that I am flawed (beyond the fact that no human is perfect)?

I can tell you that there is no “proof” other than what you may have been told by others.

  • In this situation, what might I have done that was dumb, inappropriate, or inadequate?

This question shifts your focus from yourself to your actions.

Note that when you feel bad about something you have done, the emotion that you experience could be guilt, embarassment, ridicule, disappointment, or humiliation.

While all of these feelings clearly inform you that you have done something wrong, inappropriate or even stupid, none of these feelings imply that you, as a person, are damaged, unredeemable, or bad.

What you are doing is allowing the feeling of shame to correctly change into guilt, embarassment, ridicule, disappointment, or humiliation.

This enables you to better and more objectively view your situation.

You can then use these behavior focused emotions strategically to guide you in making amends, better decisions, and more adaptive behavior?

This is the basis of strategically using your emotions as tools.

The next question you need to ask is…

  • Have I, indeed, done something wrong or have I misinterpreted what is going on?

If you have “screwed-up”, you need to acknowledge what you have done.

If you have misunderstood what is going on, you can engage others and change your perception of the event.

On my blog, TheEmotionsDoctor.com, I have over 150 posts on topics dealing with all aspects of emotions. To help you access this all this information, I have included an “index to all posts” tab which allows you to access any specific post you want with a click. Let me suggest that, when you are done reading this answer, you click on over to my blog and browse through the index categories.

Dealing with Uncertainty: Anxiety, Depression, Distress verses Eustress

The Event

Recently, an event happened which got my attention and got me thinking.

A good friend of mine had difficulty concentrating, lost her appetite, and had significant problems sleeping (symptoms). She didn’t feel motivated to do the things she usually does.

It sounded to me like she was mildly depressed.

The family related issues with which my friend was struggling were not new to her and had, in fact, existed for quite some time.

The “symptoms”, however, were both new and troubling to her.

Now, I should add that she had mentioned that she was angry about the way she was being treated by her family and was anxious about what might take place within her family if she challenged the status quo.

She definitely seemed “stressed-out” to me.

But not mildly depressed!

She decided to get professional help.

Using the Emotions as Tools lens.

 Some basic “definitions”..

Depression is an “in the moment” emotion. The message of depression is that one perceives themselves in their situation as helpless, hopeless or worthless.

Mild depression can be disruptive and draining.  Clinical depression can be debilitating.

Anger is an “in the moment” emotion.  The message of anger is that you perceive an injustice that you can eliminate by throwing enough force at it.  Anger prepares you for war.

Adaptive anger can facilitate impactful action.  Maladaptive anger can get you in severe trouble.

Anxiety is a future based emotion.  The message of anxiety is that there MAY be a situation which may have unwanted consequences for you. Another word for anxiety is worry.  Worrying can require a lot of energy.

Stress can be another word for anxiety.

Stress has at least two faces.

The most common is distress which leaves you feeling overwhelmed, sometimes unable to take action, or wanting to escape the situation.

Examples of distress include:

  • Choosing not to apply for a position because you think you might do poorly in an interview.
  • Choosing not to take constructive action because you are worried about a negative outcome.
  • Difficulty maintaining focus and disrupted sleep brought on by worrying.

Less well known is eustress which uses the energy generated by anxiety as a motivator to take whatever action necessary to prevent the unwanted future from happening.

An example of eustress is:

  • Preparing for an exam or interview is an example of eustress.
  • Developing and implementing a “plan” including setting priorities to resolve whatever concerns, problems, or issues you believe exist.

Chronic stress can, over time, damage you physically.

Another way to look at psychological stress.

Stress ==> Expectations ≠ Reality

Stress happens when what  you expect to be  taking place(your expectations) is not the same as what is actually going on (your perception of reality).

In many situations in which you find yourself, you will have an expectation regarding the way things should be.

You have expectations:

  • about work,
  • about your relationships,
  • about how your computer should work,
  • about your kids
  • and so forth

While you may, or may not, be aware that you have expectations and they won’t become an issue unless they don’t pan out, you do have them.

It is only when the reality of your situation violates your expectation that you feel stressed and you become very aware of how you think things should be (your expectations).

Handling psychological stress.

There are two possibilities here, both of which are designed to reduce stress by aligning your expectations with your perception of reality.

1.You can reassess your expectations and adjust them to match reality.

In the first strategy, your assessment may tell you that your expectations were unrealistic.

You believed the other person would do more or act differently than they did but you either did not do your due diligence, did not carefully read the contract, or misunderstood what was supposed to happen.

When you realize that you have erred with unreasonable expectations, you make an adjustment, your expectations match reality, and your stress is gone.

2. You can reassess and adjust your perception of reality to match your expectations.

In the second strategy, your assessment might tell you that you have misperceived reality.

The other person is doing exactly what you expected and you incorrectly judged them, reacted inappropriately, or just misunderstood.

In this case, you adjust your perception of their actions, the match between expectations and reality is reestablished and your stress is gone.

You now have a more adaptive view of stress and some suggestions for mastering it.

My “interpretation” of what my friend experienced.

  • My friend likes to be in control of her life.  She is intelligent and a “planner”.  She is not a “control freak”.
  • When the issues first arose, she had expectations for how she and her family should interact.
  • None of her expectations were met.
  • She perceived an injustice and got angry.
  • She didn’t show her anger because she did not want to make her situation worse.  But she was angry.
  • She tried to reason with and understand her family and facilitated some minor changes were made.
  • She felt better.
  • Overtime, the situation worsened and she began to feel anxious that her family might exclude her.
  • This was troubling.  Yet she tried to remain hopeful.
  • As her family situation worsened, she became mildly depressed because she sensed she might be excluded from her family and felt helpless to bring about change. Feeling both “excluded” and “helpless”, she felt somewhat “hopeless”.  There was little she felt she could do to correct her situation.
  • This is the message of depression.  However, mild the depression is.

What I suggested:

  • A reality check on her family
    • What is actually happening?
    • What have I done?
    • What are they doing?
    • What do I expect them to do? (or What should they be doing?)
    • What are they actually doing?
    • What can I do that might help me get what I want?
    • What are the risks?
    • How much risk am I willing to take?
  • Bring certainty to uncertainty.
    • What actions can you take which have a high probability of success. What is totally out of your control?
    • Very little in life is “certain”.  We can’t control the future.
    • The only certainty we have is that we can control what we do.
      • We can assess future events, make decisions about what actions we need to take to increase the probability of what we want happening, and work to minimize the risk to us if what we don’t want actually occurs.
  • One antidote to anxiety is to ask, “Can I survive the worst possible outcome if it occurs?”
    • The beauty of this question is that a “yes” answer tells you that the unwanted outcome, while still undesirable, is not catastrophic.  To the extent that this is true, if the benefit of the desired outcome outlays the risk of the unwanted outcome, then it is in your best interest to take action to intervene.
    • Your “survival”and your interventions are your certainties.
    • Your anticipated benefit is your motivator.
  • Accept that risk is real and there might be a negative outcome.
  • Prepare for the risk.
  • Take action.

Taking action alleviates the mild depression. Assessing the nature of the possible (unwanted) event alleviates the anxiety.

 

 

ALL of my posts dealing with Relationships and Emotions.

My last post completed a series of four posts which explored in some detail the Basic Relationship Rule.

These posts were an in-depth exploration of the idea that relationships and emotions are interconnected.

Over the years , I have written several posts on relationships and emotions as well as other topics.

Below, I have listed all of my relationship posts starting with the oldest so you can explore this topic in more detail if you choose.

Relationships and Emotions                                                                                                 (conflict resolution, empathy, living in an emotional world, and more.)

Click on the title and it will take you to the post.

 

Understanding Others and Ourselves to Build (or improve) our relationships. A 4-part series. Part 4: Skill Sets

This is part 4 of my 4 part series on understanding others and ourselves in the context of our relationships with them utilizing the Basic Relationship Rule (BRR).

The BRR states:

Everyone always does the best they can in any situation given their psychological state, their model of the world and their skill sets.

Applying the BRR:

  • facilitates your understanding others and yourself and
  • is  the key to building (or improving) your relationships

The three elements in the BRR which comprise the basis for understanding another’s behavior are:

  1. Their psychological state
  2. Their Model (or perception) of the situation
  3. Their skill sets.

In this post, I will discuss element #3 … skill sets.

Skill Sets

One’s skill sets are the abilities each individual in the relationship brings to the situation that they can access when they need to decide what they will do to “move the relationship forward”.

These skill sets include..

  • how they handle emotions (emotional intelligence skills)
  • their level of self-control (intrapersonal skills),
  • how they interact with others (interpersonal skills)
  • how they analyze a given situation (critical thinking skills)
  • how they approach solving problems (problem solving skills)
  • how they communicate with others (communication skills)
  • how they deal with perceived risk (risk management skills)

Your skill sets are the behaviors you have learned over your life span to deal with different types of situations.  Skill sets are influenced by different environments including family, work, school, the military and so forth and become habitual over time through practice.

You learn how to act by…

  • watching others in different situations
  • observing the reactions of people to what others do
  • making decisions about what to do based on how others respond to you.
  • being challenged to solve  a problem
  • having someone teach you a specific skill
  • etc.

When an individual behaves inappropriately in a given situation, you can usually attribute their actions to a skill set deficit when..

  • their Model of the World (perception of what is going on between you and them) is accurate  and
  • you can account for their psychological state

How do you identify “skill set” deficits?

You get the feeling that the behavior you are observing just doesn’t “fit”.

In other words the observed behavior may be too much or too little in terms of..

  • aggressivness,
  • verbalizations (what they say or don’t say),
  • dealing with the issue at hand,
  • listening skills,
  • empathy

Looking at a person’s behavior as the “best” they can do leaves you open to exploring whether the actions of another comes about because, if their model is accurate and their psychological state is not a factor, they don’t know any other more appropriate way to handle the situation.

If this is the situation in which you find yourself, you have to weigh your options.

  • Perhaps, they need to  acquire new skills.

If this is the case, then educating them about their actions and the consequence of the choices they have made and suggesting alternatives such as being assertive (or any of the other skill sets mentioned above) may be all that is needed.

  • Perhaps, you need to adjust how you deal with them.

A few years ago, I asked professional women what kind of responses they received when they appropriately expressed anger. I received over 2000 responses which clearly indicated that these women were demeaned, devalued, or discounted when they expressed their anger.  I suggested that they needed to use their anger to motivate their pursuing needed changes but that they needed to express their anger in a more indirect manner.

  • Perhaps, you need to get out of the relationship

An example might be a friend or family member who is addicted to drugs and who tends to be agitated and defensive in their interactions with you.  All your efforts to help them change have  been unsuccessful and the relationship is taking its toll on you. You might decide to continue “loving” them and to be “available” if they choose to change but to keep your distance from them.

To review:

The BRR:

  • aids you in building a relationship with another person
  • informs you where to look if the relationship isn’t working or is having problems.  The issue might be their behavior or yours.
  • helps you navigate through a relationship which could have important negative consequences for you if not handled well
  • sets a standard for how you view the actions of another individual within the context of your relationship with that person.

Summary

In the last four posts, I have introduced you to the Basic Relationship Rule (BRR).

I have also discussed each of the elements that comprise the BRR and given some examples of how to implement the Rule to improve your relationships.

While my focus has largely been on you attempting to understand and accommodate  the actions of those you have to relate to, it is important to note that sometimes the issue may be your behavior and their attempts to deal with and understand you.  The BRR is equally relevant and powerful as a tool for critically looking at and understanding the actions you take.

So, when you are attempting to build a relationship with others or a relationship you already have isn’t working, your first step should be to apply the BRR to yourself and then apply it to others.

As Steven Covey put it..seek first to understand and then be understood.

Or, as it applies to the BRR… Seek first to assure that you are not the problematic issue and then look at the other person’s behavior as an issue.

July 4, 2021— Celebrate Your THREE “Independences” and the 7 Steps to Emotional Independence.

We interrupt this 4-part series for a special Independence Day message.  The last post in this series will be published in two weeks.

This Sunday (July 4) we, in the US, will celebrate Independence Day. It is often a fun Holiday marked by fireworks and outdoor barbecues.

This year, I am suggesting you celebrate our country’s independence (#1), your independence from the covid-19 virus (#2) and your independence from your emotions (#3).

So, what does “independence” mean?

To the extent that you are “independent”, you are capable of making your own decisions, creating your own destiny, and taking control of your own life to impact the directions in which you want to go and the relationships you wish to create and nurture.

  1. Our country fought the war of independence to get out from under the onerous rule of the English Monarchy.  Independence meant being able to    determine our own destinies.
  2. Regarding the Covid-19 virus, your independence, if you have taken the vaccine shots, may mean that you are now free to hug your grandkids, meet in your home in small groups, go shopping, or have a meal in a restaurant. And, you may declare your independence from  the Covid-19 emotions of anxiety, anger, grief, helplessness, depression, etc. This will take us to #3.
  3. Now, you may wonder what I mean by celebrating your independence from your emotions.

Well, as a reader of this blog, you know that I write about strategically using your emotions as tools to improve your life and your relationships.

To the extent that you are doing this, you are independent of your emotions.

Many people, however, believe that their emotions control them.

This belief stems from their experience that emotions seem to just happen and to just happen to them.  As I have explained in the Emotional Mastery Cycle, the unconscious reaction to a perception of threat does happen very quickly and is beyond one’s control.  This is a survival mechanism and evolved to protect us.

But, and this is crucial, another part of the Emotional Mastery Cycle is the activation of the Cerebral Cortex or thinking part of the brain.  The Cerebral Cortex empowers you to decide how you want to utilize and strategically deploy the energy the emotion provides.

Hence…..

Your emotions do not control you.  

They alert you, inform you, and motivate you.  But, you always have a choice about how you will respond to the situation in which you find yourself.

So, if you believe that your emotions control you, then, maybe, this July 4, is your opportunity to declare your independence from your emotions.

I have written numerous blog posts talking about what emotions are and how to strategically deploy them as tools.

In this post I want to list, for you, the 7 steps to emotional independence.

Step 1: Declare, regardless of how you feel about them, that “Emotions are ONLY tools.”.

Step 2: Declare that you can learn how to use a tool.

Step 3: Pick a specific emotion you want to learn how to use and write down any questions you may have about that emotion and the control it feels, to you, that it exerts over you.

Step 4: Hit the Index tab in the upper right hand corner of this homepage, open up the Index PDF and pick a post which seems to address your major questions about that emotion.

Step 5: Using the information from the posts you have read regarding the specific emotion you want to learn to use (become independent of), decide what new decisions you need to make regarding how you relate to that emotion.

Step 6: Make a Plan and a Commitment to yourself to make these decisions  and apply them in your life.

Step 7: Execute your Plan.

But, remember that making changes in your life takes time.  Be kind and supportive of yourself and you begin to establish that your emotions are there for you to deploy, as tools, to improve your life and your relationships.

Happy July 4th Independence Day!

Understanding Others and Ourselves to Build (or improve) our relationships. A 4-part series. Part 3: Their Model

This is part 3 of my 4 part series on understanding others in the context of your relationship with them utilizing the Basic Relationship Rule (BRR).

To review:

The BRR:

  • aids you in building a relationship with another person
  • informs you where to look if the relationship isn’t working or is having problems
  • helps you navigate through a relationship which could have important negative consequences for you if not handled well
  • sets a standard for how you view the actions of another individual within the context of your relationship with that person.

The Basic Relationship Rule states:

Everyone always does the best they can in any situation given their psychological state, their model of the world and their skill sets.

Applying the BRR:

  • facilitates your understanding others and yourself and
  • is  the key to building (or improving) your relationships

In this post, I will discuss the part of the BRR which asserts that the behavior that is observed is based in part on one’s Model of the World.

Recall that in my last post, I noted that, in the context of a relationship, the job of both parties is to move the relationship forward.  This might involve improving the relationship or resolving conflict, completing some task at hand, etc.

Problems typically arise when one person in their attempt to complete the “job” doses something that is viewed, in the context of the relationship, as  inappropriate.

I am suggesting that the BRR gives you a starting point to begin to understand the basis for the other person’s actions.

In deciding how you want to respond to any situation, you first need to do an assessment which includes”

  • what is going on,
  • what is needed to accomplish your goal in that situation and
  • what tools are available.

The Assessment:

The lens through which we determine what is going on around us is the Model we have, in our minds, for understanding our situation.

Let me give you two examples.

1. For most of my career, I was a staff psychologist in an institution run by the Department of Corrections-Juvenile Division.  I had a collegial relationship with the other psychologists in the Institution.  We interacted well and, when I perceived that something irregular occurred, I pointed it out.

When I promoted to Senior Psychologist, however, they reacted to me differently.  I tried not to change who I was or how I interacted with my colleagues in terms of ethics, recognizing them as individuals and so forth but they clearly viewed me differently and their interactions with me changed.  My Model of them had not changed from colleague to “boss” but their Model of me as “boss” clearly was different then their view of me as “colleague”.

2. As I write this, there are numerous stories in the news of what is viewed as excessive use of force by police.  Whether or not the force used in each situation is excessive or not is not the issue here.  That people have lost their lives in the course of an arrest clearly indicates that the actions of the police officer, in each case, stemmed from their Model of the situation and the behavior that was appropriate, in that situation, to deal with what was going on (to resolve or move the situation forward).

The implication is that the police will view you as a “citizen” if you are white and a “threat” if you are black.

In order to begin to make some sense about what explains the other person’s actions, you need to gain some insight into their Model of their world in that moment.

This model includes the assumptions they are making about:

  • the context of the interaction
  • gender issues
  • race issues
  • power issues
  • safety issues
  • task issues
  • you, as an individual, within the context of the interaction

More specifically…

  • context: work, home, business/professional, relating to a “clerk” in person, by computer, or over the phone, dealing with a service person such as tech support
  • gender: beliefs about men and women and what is “appropriate” for each gender.
  • power:  work related including a boss to a subordinate, positional related such as a police officer to a citizen or a perpetrator or a doctor to a patient
  • safety: what is the risk within the situation
  • task: what is going on that may be related to accomplishing a specific task such as working on a project at work or at home with your kids
  • you: are there some assumptions about you specifically including what type of person you are, how assertive you are, how needy you are and so forth.

Looking into how others perceive their relationship with you gives you an opportunity to look at how they perceive you and the situation and how the actions they’ve chosen to exhibit make sense to them.

Perhaps, their actions reflect a misunderstanding of something you have done or said, how they perceive themselves relative to you, or how they understand what is “appropriate” within the context of the current relationship.  If this is the case, helping them change their perceptions may alleviate the challenge to the relationship.

One example might be a co-worker who violates a “personal boundary”. This boundary might be a physical boundary, an ethical boundary, a gender boundary, or a rule violation. The questions to ask yourself involving his model of the world include:

  • Is he being aggressive and ignoring the “rules”?
  • Has he misunderstood something you said or did?
  • Is he unfamiliar with the rules?
  • Is his model unjustified or is this a skill set issue where in he just does not know how to say what he wants?

A personal example:

When I promoted to Senior Psychologist, one of my staff was “clearly”, but not egregiously, violating the rules regarding time spent doing his job.  I knew it and he knew it, but I couldn’t “prove” it, given the tools available to me at the time.  So, calling it to his attention directly wouldn’t have been beneficial.  As I was a new supervisor, I asked for some help from “headquarters”.  It was suggested that I put out a general memo about the “rules” and include, at the bottom of the memo, some general “boiler plate” disclaimers that failure to follow the rules could result in “disciplinary actions”.

After the memo went out, one of my staff barged into my office and accused me of inappropriately “threatening” her with disciplinary action especially in light of her exemplary work history.

Now, I need to add that she was not the “target” of the memo and that I had never said anything negative about her.  In fact, early on I had told her that she was a valuable asset to the department.

At first  I was confused.

When I considered her actions from the point of view of her implied Model, I realized that her actions had very little to do with me, personally, and very much to do with her view of “supervisors” and her own sense of inadequacy.

Her Model reflected her view of “reality” as…

  •  “the Man” was unfair and “out to get her”.
  • I was “the Man”
  • her relationship with me was aggressive and self-protective

Once, I explained the “boiler plate” and reestablished that she was a competent and valued staff member, she was fine.

I do need to add that, after this incident, my Model of “headquarters” changed.

Another example might involve interacting with a police officer. Keeping in mind the implied Model of the World of someone whose job involves  a risk to his/her safety and the inability to really “know” what the next person they interact with might do, if I am pulled over, I won’t do anything to raise a red flag.  As an example, when I was younger, I used to think that it was a good idea to get out of the car when stopped so the officer could see me.  When I had police officers as students in a class I was teaching, they explained that a person getting out of a car was viewed as a possible threat and advised to stay in the car with my hands on the steering wheel.

This is using their Model to insure that their interactions with me, in the context of our current relationship works out well for the both of us.

In summary, if your goal is to make the most out of your relationships with others, understanding and accommodating their behavior (when appropriate) is critical.

The first part of this understanding (discussed in my last post) was that they are doing their best.

The second part provides a context in which to interpret what they’ve done and this context involves their Model of the “World”.

Their actions reflect how they view you (their Model) and how this view impacts how they will interact with or relate to you (your relationship with them).

In my next and last post in the series, I will discuss the concept of skill sets.

Understanding Others and Ourselves to Build (or improve) our relationships. A 4-part series. Part 2: Doing Their Best

This is Part 2 of my 4 part series on Relationships.

The four parts are:

  • Part 1:  Overview
  • Part 2: Assume Doing the best and psychological state
  • Part 3: Understand their Model
  • Part 4: Look at their skill sets and summary

In Part 1, I discussed what constitutes a relationship and introduced you to the Basic Relationship Rule (BRR).

To review:

The BRR:

  • aids you in building a relationship with another person
  • informs you where to look if the relationship isn’t working or is having problems
  • helps you navigate through a relationship which could have important negative consequences for you if not handled well
  • sets a standard for how you view the actions of another individual within the context of your relationship with that person.
  • applies to both the actions of another person and you

The Basic Relationship Rule states:

Everyone always does the best they can in any situation given their psychological state, their model of the world and their skill sets.

Applying the BRR:

  • facilitates your understanding others and yourself and
  • is  the key to building (or improving) your relationships

In this post, I will discuss the second part of the BRR which asserts that everyone ALWAYS does THEIR BEST.

This is the part of the BRR that most people find problematic.

It is also, I would say, the most important part of the BRR.

The concept of Best is problematic.

I’m sure you can give numerous examples of things people have done which you viewed as:

  • inappropriate
  • wrong
  • misguided
  • outrageous
  • stupid
  • insulting
  • and so forth

Given the behavior you observed (or displayed), these descriptions were probably very fitting.  And, because the behavior was so egregious, it is very difficult to accept that the behavior in question is the Best the person could do in the moment.

Possible versus Available

The reason most people find it difficult to accept that what they or others have done is their best is that they fail to consider the difference between the best possible with the best available behavior.

Problems arise because people assume that what they observe should be the best possible.  And, since what you observe isn’t the best possible, the other person isn’t trying to do the right thing. 

Another way to look at this issue from the point of view of the individual is the difference between capabilities and abilities.

Capabilities vs abilities…

Your “capabilities” are the behaviors that you can exhibit under ideal conditions.  These are, indeed, your absolute best actions.

Your “abilities” are the best behaviors you can exhibit in any given situation.

Situational characteristics which can impact what one does include being stressed or anxious, feeling physically sick or impaired in some way, being distracted, and so forth.

In previous posts, I noted that what you do in a given interaction is the based on how you view what is going on (you Model) and the extent to which your psychological state impacts or impairs what you do.  Given these “constraints”, what you choose to do stems from what you are capable of doing (your skill sets) but reflects what you are able to do in the situation.

The individual’s actions are the best available to them in the moment.

There are at least three elements which impact how an individual responds in any situation…

  1. Their psychological state
  2. Their Model (or perception) of the situation
  3. Their skill sets.

Observed Behavior

When you try to understand the behavior of another person (or yourself), the BRR notes that we always do the Best given our Model of the World and our skill sets.

Let me dig a little deeper.

The situation in which you find yourself with another person whose behavior you view as inappropriate given their relationship with you involves an interaction between you and them.

The characteristics of that situation include their (and your) assessment of what is going on and what is needed to move the situation forward. Moving the situation forward is the task at hand (or, as noted above, the job).

The only assumption I am making here is that it is important to the other person to “move the situation forward” which might involve:

  • resolving an interpersonal conflict
  • upholding some rule
  • accomplishing the task at hand
  • etc.

Given their goal to move the situation forward, they will assess what is happening and choose the best available response that they believe will enable them to effectively handle the situation they are facing.

I noted above that the idea that this is their best behavior in the moment was the most important part of the BRR.  This is true because making this assumption is the the only way we can  begin to understand the behavior of the other person. Clearly what they have done  is not the best possible.

To put it another way, of all the options available to the person in that situation, the behavior you observed is what they chose to exhibit in order to deal with what was going on.  It was the best choice available to them at the time.

While it is possible that the other person would choose an “inferior” behavior, given the situation, this assumption won’t help you to understand the other person with the goal of improving your relationship with them.

And, think about it. Unless they, are engaging in some form of self-sabotage, they will default to doing whatever they can to  deal with the situation in which they find themselves.

This is the Best action available to them.  Not the best possible. So, if this is the best possible, in the moment, it is fair to consider what elements led up to the choice of the behavior that came out.

Or. to put in another way…

  • How they could act in such a manner?
  • What were they thinking?
  • What were they trying to accomplish?
  • and so forth

To be sure these are all excellent questions.

I mentioned three elements above. I will discuss element #1 psychological state below.  and I will address how they view the situation (their Model) in my next post (part 3) and what they are capable of doing (their skill sets) in part 4.

Element #1: Their psychological state.

The other day, I had to make a phone call in which I had to give some unwanted information to another person.

I clearly understood the situation (my Model was accurate) and I clearly had the interpersonal skills (my skill sets) were more than adequate.

The conversation did not go as planned!

I got nervous and my stress negatively impacted my actions.

Stress is a psychological state. Another word for stress is anxiety.

I have written about both stress, per se, and anxiety, specifically in other posts including:

  • Mastering Stress (December 2016)
  • A Three Part Series on Anxiety  (February and March 2020)

By the way, you can access ALL of my posts by category, title and date by clicking on the Index tab in the upper right hand corner of the home page.

When you are impacted by stress or anxiety, you are nervous and it is difficult to think straight.  Under these conditions, your decision making and your choices for how to act can be impaired.

This is what happened to me.

The point here is this:

In the process of understanding the behavior you observe (in others) or exhibit (in your own case) and moving the relationship along, it may benefit you to assess, as best you can, the psychological state of the person you are interacting with.

Do they appear to be stressed, sad, anxious, or angry?  If so, you might consider disengaging if you can or minimizing how you engage with them.

A prior post:

You Are The Target of Someone’s Anger A Three Part series. (February and March 2017)

Remember that nothing I say is designed to excuse the behavior you observe (or exhibit).  I am attempting in these posts to give you some guidelines for understanding the behavior in question.

Part 3 will appear in 2 weeks and will cover the concept of one’s Model

Understanding Others and Ourselves to Build (or improve) our relationships. A 4-part series. Part 1: Overview

This is the first of a 4 part series of posts dealing with the topic of relationships.

We all have relationships with others.  Some are healthy, others not so much.

The reality, however, is that we don’t think much about or really understand what relationships are.

My goal in this post is to offer some perspective on relationships.  This information should be useful if you are trying to build a relationship with someone, improve a relationship that isn’t working, or, perhaps, survive a relationship that exists and impacts you but which you can’t really change.

The four parts in this series are:

  • Part 1:  Overview
  • Part 2: Assume “Doing the best they can”
  • Part 3: Understand their Model
  • Part 4: Look at their skill sets and summary

Part 1:  Overview

Your view of relationships.

If I ask you to tell me about your “relationships”, what comes to mind?

Do you think about specific people:

  • spouse,
  • a co-worker,
  • friends,
  • teammates on your sports teams,
  • a teacher,
  • your in-laws

Are there specific individuals you don’t think about:

  • the “clerk” behind the counter at the store, the airport, the office, or on the tech support call
  • the cop who might pull you over
  • your doctor, mechanic, or gardener
  • the neighbor with the noisy dogs
  • the in-law you don’t particularly like
  • your boss or subordinate at work

I’m suggesting that all of the above are “relationships”.  And, it is in your best interest to adjust your thinking to this point of view.

A Working Definition:

An interpersonal relationship can be understood as a “significant” connection or association which exists between you and another person.

What does this mean?

The term significant refers to any connection which:

  • has some value or importance to you or influences you (as you define it) in some ways
  •  could have a negative impact on your “life” because you failed to recognize the connection as “significant”

Examples of “significant” others include:

  • your spouse
  • your girl/boy friend
  • your parents or siblings
  • your boss
  • your co-workers
  • your landlord
  • the policeman who pulls you over
  • the clerk who is processing your “materials” at the airport, the store, the courthouse, the DMV, the Social Security Office, on the phone (tech person)
  • professionals (doctors, nurses, accountants)

The term excludes any interaction in which you and the other person are mere “placeholders” and have no meaningful “value” to each other in the situation.

Examples of “place holders” could include:

  • standing in line with other people at the grocery store
  • saying “good morning” or “How are you?” as a passing greeting

The term relationship only refers to a connection between you and the other person.

The term does not:

  • imply any positive or negative qualities inherent in the relationship
  • tell you anything about the individuals in the relationship
  • include any reference to other elements which may define a specific connection

Relationship Rules:

There are many different so-called Rules about relationships.

The one you may be most familiar with is the Golden Rule which states:

Do unto others as you would like them to do unto others.

Or, Stephen Covey’s “rule”:

Seek first to be understand and then to be understood.

Or, maybe, what I call the Platinum Rule which states:

Do unto others as they would like to be done unto.

While each of these rules has both advantages and disadvantages, I am suggesting that there is a Basic Relationship Rule (BRR) which has several important advantages over these other rules and which can be applied to all of your relationships.

The Basic Relationship Rule (BRR)

Everyone always does the best they can in any situation given their psychological state, their model of the world and their skill sets.

  • Everyone: Every participant in the relationship including you and the other person.
  • Always: The assumption is that, if the action is personally meaningful, each person will default to an action that will be maximally productive in the situation.
  • Best: The best they can do in the moment. Not the best possible.
  • Psychological State: any obvious indicator of strong emotions such as sadness, anxiety or anger
  • Model: Their personal perception of the current event.
  • Skill sets: The behaviors they can use to deal with the situation.

The advantages of the BRR are that it:

  • aids you in building a relationship with another person
  • informs you where to look if the relationship isn’t working or is having problems
  • helps you navigate through a relationship which could have important negative consequences for you if not handled well
  • sets a standard for how you view the actions of another individual within the context of your relationship with that person
  • applies equally to both the other person and you

Judging, validating, and/or condoning…

The basic relationship rule is intended to help you avoid judging the actions of another participant in the relationship so that you can validate and understand the behavior you are observing.

It does not require that you condone or accept the other person’s behavior as appropriate.

  • judging: labeling the behavior in such a way that eliminates further understanding and can exacerbate any problems which might exist in the relationship. Judging the behavior of another person in a relationship can effectively end any further constructive interactions.
  • validate: accept as their best, at the moment, NOT the best possible.
  • understand: gain some insight into the behavior you are observing.
  • condone, accept and appropriate: imply a set of standards that can, if necessary, be applied later to the behavior

Validating  helps you maintain the relationship, if this is your choice, while you devise a plan to intervene and facilitate any changes which might improve the relationship.

Validating also allows you to continue to accept the other person while you might not accept their behavior.

Understanding can provide some direction in choosing an intervention.

I will explain this in more detail below.

The Role of Emotions in Relationships

As I have written in other posts and in my two Amazon best-selling books, I view emotions as tools which provide you with important information about how you perceive your surroundings and which can be both mastered and strategically deployed.

Emotions are important in the context of relationships because they are:

  • a source of information about how you perceive what is going on between you
  • the filter through which you are interpreting the other person’s actions
  • a window into how they perceive what is going on.  tells you where you need to focus your attention to improve the relationship

So, you now have an overview of both how I will define relationships going forward and a familiarity with relationship rules including the Basic Relationship Rule which I will discuss in detail.

Part 2 will be published in two weeks and will cover the idea that we need to assume that others are doing their best.

 

 

ANNOUNCEMENT: Updated Website Gives You Easier Access to ALL of My Informative Posts

As I am writing this, there are over 150 posts dealing with emotions on my blog.

But,to be honest, it hasn’t been easy to access all of this information.

So, I decided to do something about that.

In this post, I am announcing that I have updated my website to make it easier for you to directly access the specific information about emotions that you want.

How you choose to access my site is now completely up to you.

I have made two main changes.

I. CURRENT POSTS

The first is the inclusion of a Blog tab which takes you to the CURRENT posts.

II. ALL PAST POSTS

The second is the inclusion of the Index to All Posts tab.  This is for PAST posts and gives you a drop-down menu which lists the five topic categories into which my posts can be divided.

The categories are:

  • Anger,
  • Mastering Emotions as Tools,
  • Other Emotions,
  • Relationships and Emotions,
  • Words and Emotions and
  • Uncategorized. (These are posts that do not address a topic specifically related to any content category.  This post is an example.)

When you click on the category you want, you gain access to any post in that category. You may have  to scroll down a bit as there are lots of posts in each category. Clicking on the title you want takes you directly to the post.

Enjoy.

Oh, and I should add that I have included a Contact Me tab if you have a question or want to suggest a topic you would like me to cover.

Please note:

  • I do not collect, sell, or monetize email addresses.
  • You will never receive an “offer” from me in your email.

In two weeks, I will begin a 4-part series of posts entitled:

Understanding Others and Ourselves to Build (or improve) our relationships. 

All the best,

Ed

Ed Daube, Ph.D., The Emotions Doctor

5 Steps to Master Any Emotion as a Strategic Tool

Both self-control and effectively interacting with others require you to master your emotions as strategic tools.

This is a bold statement that you might find odd for at least two reasons:

  1. While everyone talks about managing emotions, few authors talk about mastering emotions. (Mastering one’s emotions includes and goes beyond managing one’s emotions.)
  2. Emotions are critical components in successfully dealing with issues that primarily involve you (self-control) and with issues that involve others (relationships).

Definition of emotional mastery: You master an emotion when you understand its message, take a moment to assess the validity of the message as it reflects upon what is actually happening, and choose a response that adaptively deals with the situation you are facing.

Widening the concept of a tool:

While you may not think of diverse objects in this way, you are surrounded by “tools” in your life.

  • Your car is a tool to get you where you want to go.
  • Your cell phone is a tool to complete a variety of tasks including, but not limited to, having a conversation with someone.
  • Your TV remote is a tool you use to control how you consume content.
  • Your computer is a tool.
  • Your sewing machine is a tool.
  • Your emotions are tools, the function of which is to alert you to and prepare you to deal with your surroundings

Each tool has a purpose.  To get the most out of the tool, you need to learn to master it.

Definition of “strategic”:

  • carefully designed or planned to serve a particular purpose or advantage. (Oxford Languages)

To use a tool strategically involves both using the right tool for the job and using that tool in the right way.

Hence, you can use a hammer to pound a screw into a wall to hang a picture but a screwdriver is the right tool for the job.

I used to use my smartphone primarily as a phone.  This is the right use of the tool.

It is not strategically using the tool in the right way…I am now learning to use it as a camera, an internet portal, a storage unit which provides access to important articles and books, a stopwatch, a personal assistant (Siri), etc.

I think you get the idea.

Mastery and self-control: When you use your emotions as tools, you are now in a position to effectively respond to your surroundings. You are in control of you and you can choose responses which improve your life by effectively moving you forward toward, and motivating you regarding, goals that you set.

Mastery and interpersonal influence: You can master the emotions of others and deescalate an interaction by observing emotions in others, understanding how they perceive what is going on (the message of the emotion) and choosing a response which validates (does not approve) their perception and helps them to reevaluate their interactions with you.

Mastering Emotions

Few articles talk about managing or mastering ALL emotions.

It seems a bit ridiculous to think about managing your excitement or mastering your guilt or your anxiety.

But, this is exactly what I am suggesting!

Mastering your emotions involves five steps.

  1. self-awareness
  2. manage your own arousal
  3. understand the message of each emotion
  4. assess the match between your emotion and the situation in which you find yourself
  5. choose an adaptive response

Step 1: Self-awareness

In order to master your emotions, it is important for you to be aware of how that emotion physically presents itself in your body. In other words, where and how do you experience each emotion. What part of your body tenses, feels warm, or begins to churn when you feel angry, anxious, upset, guilty, ashamed, and so forth?

You may not be aware at this point of how your body reacts to each emotion but you can become familiar with your body by observing what you feel the next time you experience the emotion you want to learn to master.

In Chapter 4 of my Amazon best selling book Emotions as Tools: Control Your Life not Your Feelings, I have included checklists to help you identify how your body specifically reacts. Choose an emotion and use the tables to monitor your body.

Step 2: Managing Your Own Arousal

Once you become aware of your initial emotional reaction, it is important to lower your physical arousal so that you don’t immediately take an action (react) following the emotion.

Ultimately, you want to respond to your situation.

Lowering your arousal level does not “come naturally” and must be learned.

You do this by teaching yourself to…

  • take a step back from the situation and
  • taking a deep breath.

Taking a step back does three things…

  1. It provides you with some physical safety if you need it given the situation.
  2. It “removes” you somewhat from the situation so you can be more objective.
  3. It reminds you to lower your arousal.

Taking a deep breath (or 2) does three things..

  1. The deep breath “relaxes” you somewhat.
  2. This lowers your physical arousal level just enough.
  3. The deep breath gives you provides some psychological distance and gives you additional time to think about what is going on.

The important point about your arousal level is this.  According to the Yrkes-Dodson law, you don’t have to completely relax to be effective, you only need to relax enough so that you are not overly energized.

Think about the last time you got excited and “caught up in the moment”. You might have purchased something you later realized you didn’t need or said (or did) something you later regretted.

Whether the emotion is excitement about a new adventure or “shiny object” or anger regarding the violation of an important value, stepping back from the situation and taking a breath will give you an opportunity to adaptively deal with what comes next.

Step 3: Understanding the message of each emotion

Each emotion communicates a different message to you based on how you initially perceive your situation. Understanding this message enables you to assess your initial evaluation of what is happening. Your emotions are always valid as they represent your initial (often unconscious) evaluation of your situation. However, the emotion may not be accurate as you might have misinterpreted another person’s actions or intent. Or, you might have reacted to what is going on based on your own past experiences, current levels of stress, wishful thinking, and so forth.

  • anger: You perceive a threat you believe you can eliminate if you throw enough force at it.  Anger prepares you for war.
  • fear: you perceive a threat that can kill you.  Fear prepares you for escape.
  • sadness: you perceive a situation in which you have lost something or someone that is important to you. Sadness prepares you for withdrawal.
  • happy: you perceive a situation in which you are engaged with an activity that is enjoyable.  Happy prepares you to engage and involve yourself.
  • guilt: you perceive a situation in which you have done something wrong.  Guilt prepares you to make things right.
  • anxiety: you perceive a situation in which some future event might occur which could have unwanted consequences.  Anxiety prepares you to either retreat (distress) or prepare (eustress) yourself for that event.

Step 4: Assessing the match between your emotion and the situation in which you find yourself.

Once you have tuned into the emotion you are experiencing and understand what that emotion communicates to you about how you are viewing your situation, you can take a physical and psychological step back from the situation and attempt to assess the degree to which your reality matches your perception.

You do this by asking yourself questions such as:

  • Have I misunderstood what is going on here?
  • Is there another point of view that I am missing?
  • What evidence is there to support my perceptions?

Based on your assessment, you are ready to move on to the next step.

Step 5: Choose an adaptive response.

The fifth step is to choose an adaptive response to the situation. An adaptive response is an intervention which helps you improve your situation.

Your initial perception is accurate…

If you believe your emotion matches the situation than you will choose a response that utilizes the energy of the emotion as motivation to manage the situation.

Your initial perception is not accurate…

If you believe that your emotion does not match the situation, than you might choose to change your perception by asking for clarification or additional input from others with whom you are interacting. When you change your perception, you change your emotion.

Emotional mastery can also help you improve your own life by helping you become more effective in meeting the goals you set.

Mastering your emotions also opens up opportunities to be more effective in your relationships with others because you can apply the same principles of emotion mastery to dealing with others who direct their emotions at you.