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The Power of Words 2: “Divorced” or “Single”? Psychologically, It Makes a Big Difference!

Your marriage was legally dissolved 5 (2,10, 15) years ago.     Do you think of yourself as “divorced” or “single”?

One day as a friend of the family and I were chatting about her “X”, I asked her this question……

“Are you divorced or are you single?”

She looked at me as if I was speaking a foreign language that she did not understand and said… “Huh, what does that mean?”

In my last post, I talked about the power a questioner on Quora had given the innocuous word “ok” to elicit anger.

I’m continuing here to discuss the power of words but in a different context.

Context

If you have gone to court to dissolve your marriage, you are legally divorced.

Disclaimer

Now, as a matter of disclosure, I am not an attorney so I can’t address any legal or financial issues that involve the label “divorced”.  I am only addressing the psychological issues.

That said..

Once your marriage is dissolved, you are also  “legally” (in quotes based on the above disclaimer) single.

The power of words…

Divorced

What this word should mean is that you are now legally separated from your “X” and can move on in your life with a fresh start.

However….

As I explained to my friend, as long as she psychologically considered herself “divorced”, there remained a connection to her marriage and her “X”. To the extent that this connection indicates unresolved feelings including anger, guilt, shame, or regret, she was stuck in the past and was not able to grow beyond her marriage and get on with her life.

This is what was going on.

She believed her “failed” marriage was her fault.  This led to feelings of shame and guilt (self-blame) and regret.

She was pissed at her “X” for cheating.  This led to the feeling of anger.

She wasn’t sure she could fully recover.  This led to feelings of anxiety.

While she was aware of her anger and vaguely aware of her shame and guilt (not the same), anxiety and regret, all of these feelings were wrapped up in, and elicited by, the word “divorced”.

She was emotionally attached to, and looking backward at, her (unresolved) dissolved marriage.

Single

If you were never married or single, you would proceed in your relationship with others as an individual without “legal” encumbrances. Your decisions would involve only you, not someone else.

Again, I am talking psychologically here.

So, I said to my friend, you are a single woman, now and can act accordingly as you go forward.

I also explained, that she needed to resolve the “unresolved” issues which connected her to her marriage and that the Emotions as Tools Model would show her way to do this.

Label, validate, and Assess

The emotional process involves labelling your emotions so you know what they are, validating them so that you don’t deny or minimize them and assessing their message so you can decide whether they accurately reflect your initial perception of your situation.

The words she used to describe her situation and the emotions those words elicited….

In describing her “divorce”, my friend asserted (paraphrased)…

  • I screwed up and should have known better. (shame, guilt, regret)
  • He screwed up.m (anger)
  • Marriage sucks and I don’t want to hurt in the future. (anxiety)

We examined each of her assertions (perceptions) in terms of the “facts” including her actions and his actions, her strengths and weaknesses, who she is a person, etc.

Once the “issues” were addressed (resolution would come with time), the emotions subsided, she was able to acknowledge that she is, indeed, single and that moving on with her life now made sense to her.

The bottom line…

The takeaway here is that the words we use to describe the situations in which we find ourselves can be very powerful in their ability to elicit strong emotions which can negatively impact how we view ourselves and our situations as well as our ability to move forward in our lives.

In my next post, I will address the power of the word “stuck”.

Below, I have given some links to past posts which are relevant to this discussion.

It is important to note that you can access all of my past posts by clicking on the Index tab. When you do this, you will get a drop down menu with several categories for my posts.  Click on the category and you get a listing of all the posts in that category. Click on the post you want and the post will appear.

Note:  There are so many posts on anger, I suggest you click the anger category and pick the one that grabs your attention.

What is the difference between guilt and shame?

You Verses Your Anxiety: 3 Secrets and 4 Steps to turn Your Inner “doom sayer” into an inner “motivator”. Part 1

You Verses Your Anxiety: 3 Secrets and 4 Steps to turn Your Inner “doom sayer” into an inner “motivator”. Part 2: The 3 secrets.

You Verses Your Anxiety: 3 Secrets and 4 Steps to turn Your Inner “doom sayer” into an inner “motivator”. Part 3: The 4 steps.

The Power of Words 1: “Why do I get mad when people say “ok” to me?”

Note: The next three posts will focus on the power of words to emotionally impact us.

  • In this post, I will look at the impact of the word “ok” on a questioner from the website Quora.com.  I often contribute to this site.
  • In my next post, I will discuss the difference between being “divorced” and being “single”.  Both words describe a post-divorce individual but they evoke different emotions.
  • Finally, I will discuss the concept of “being stuck” in the context of “How is that (project) going?”

“Why do I get mad when people say “ok” to me?”

When I was asked this question on Quora.com, I found it interesting because of what it implied about all emotions including anger and the power we give to words to impact us.  I’m expanding my answer here.

There are two components in this question..

  1. What the emotion of anger (mad) tells us about our perception of our current situation and
  2. The power we give words to influence us

The Emotion of Anger (mad)

The message of anger (mad) is that ..

  • you perceive the situation as a “threat” and
  • you are ready to go to war to eliminate that threat.

Anger prepares you for war.

So, let’s think about this for a moment..

This writer is saying that he (or she) is ready to go to war because of the threat implied by the word “ok”.

The Power of Words

This  “threat” is interesting for at least three reasons…

  1. The individual with whom the questioner is interacting has done nothing noticeably wrong other than to say “okay”.  Hence, there is no objective or obvious threat.
  2. The questioner has imbued the word “okay” with tremendous power.
  3. That power is clearly influencing the questioner eliciting an angry reaction.

To put it another way, the word seems to have emotionally highjacked the questioner.

On the surface, this seems a bit strange. So, what is going on?

The Emotions as Tools Model dictates the steps you take regarding the emotion you are experiencing when you want to strategically master your own emotions or those with whom you interact.

The first action you need to take is to validate your emotion.

Validating the emotion involves:

Taking your emotion “at face value” and as “true” for you in the moment because it reflects your perception of the situation.

Note: this does not mean that your perception is correct or true for the situation.

Your next step is to assess the nature of the perceived threat and whether or not there actually is a threat.

So, for the author of this question, we must assume that he has placed a great deal of significance and importance on the word “ok”.  As the word, “okay”d is neutral.  It is an acknowledgment of a situation, a statement,  or an interaction.  That’s it.

So, we have to assume that the questioner is viewing the word through the lens of some prior bad experience or that the tone with which the word “ok” was said implied some negativity such as sarcasm, ridicule, belittling, or demeaning. Or both.

It is this “lens” that gives the word “okay” its power to elicit a strong emotion.

For you, my reader, think about times when you have gotten upset about either what someone said to you or the manner in which it was said.

Can you relate to my Quora questioner?

With the above as a starting point, here is how I responded on Quora…

While you will have to figure out what exactly it is about someone saying “ok” to you that elicits (not causes) your anger, I can give you some background information which should help you.

Anger is one of 6 primary emotions (mad, sad, glad, fear, disgust, and surprise) which are found in all human species and some sub-human species. With the exception of glad and surprise, all of the primary emotions are primitive threat detectors which evolved to help humans, as a species, survive in a world filled with dangerous predators (human and animal) and situations which could, and did, easily kill us.

Our emotional system consists of our senses which continuously scan our surroundings for threats, the amygdala and thalamus which unconsciously alert us to and prepare our bodies to deal with the impending threat, and, (in us as more evolved humans) the cerebral cortex. The senses and the amydala/thalamus comprise a primitive system over which we have no control. By the way, if we are facing a threat which will kill us (survival threat), we want the whole emotional process to operate (on its own) and keep us safe.

For you, however, most of the threats you face will be psychological threats. These threats include perceived “assaults” on our self-image, our self-esteem, our views of right and wrong, and so forth. A psychological threat will not kill you although it may leave you feeling vulnerable, inadequate, wronged, or attacked.

Words have power through the “meaning” we give them.

With this knowledge, you can now ask yourself what it is about “ok” which pushes your anger button.

Or, to put it another way..

You have given the word “ok” a great deal of power that it does inherently deserve.

What associations do you have with this word, from your past that gives it this power?

Is it that you feel someone is patronizing, minimizing, or marginalizing you?

Have you experienced being marginalized in the past?

Pay close attention to what you are thinking when someone says this to you and you react with anger. These thoughts should contain the information you need to understand what is eliciting your anger.

Secondly, you need to assess your relationship to the person with whom you are interacting.

Is there something about that person that may lead you to believe that they are not being direct or truthful with you regarding the current topic of discussion?

Once you have figured this out what is going on in the moment, you can engage your cerebral cortex (the thinking part of your brain) to remind yourself that there is no real threat.

  • If you are responding to something that happened to you in your past rather than in the current situation and you can choose not to react.
  • If you suspect that the tone of voice you are reacting to reflects a problem in your relationship with the other person, you can comment on your perception and ask for clarification.
  • You then can choose how you want to respond to what is happening in the moment.

The bottom line.

The takeaway here is that you need to be aware of the power you give to certain words (or situations) to elicit (not cause) an emotional reaction in you.  With this awareness, you will  be able avoid being emotionally highjacked by those words/situations in the future.

In my next post, I will take about the words “divorced” and “single” in the context of a legally separated couple.

Mastering the (So-called) Negative Emotion of Anxiety

All of the emotions (think anger, anxiety, sadness, guilt, shame, envy) which either do not feel good (their hedonic quality) or elicit (lead to but do not cause) unwanted behavior are mislabeled as “negative”.

In fact, while it is true that some emotions are experienced or misinterpreted as negative as opposed to others (happy, excited, enthusiastic, optimistic),which are viewed as positive because they “feel” good…..

there are no negative (or positive) emotions.

Let me put it a different way using some common examples..

  • Your smart phone doesn’t do what you want it to and seems to have a mind of its own
  • The spell checker totally messes up your message
  • The remote control for your TV won’t pull up the channel or app you want

When any of these “tech disconnects” happen, do you label the “tool” as negative and toss the device in the trash or do you get annoyed, pour your self some Chardonay or Cabernet, settle down at some point, and get some help (google, your kids, The Geek Squad)?

Of course not…

You figure it all out and get on with your life.

The exact same situation exists with your emotions.

Every emotion is an adaptive tool that, once you learn to master it, can be deployed to improve your life and your relationships.

Understanding Emotions

The function of each emotion is to both alert you to a situation you are facing which requires your attention and to prepare you to deal with that situation.

To put it another way:

Your emotions empower you to…

  • assess the situation
  • choose a strategic response
  • adaptively take action to deal with the situation.

Empowerment means that you are more capable of handling your situation.

The elements of empowerment include:

  • the message of the emotion which is the alert you get from your emotion regarding your perception of what is happening.

With the alert you now have…

  • awareness: you are mindful (present and in the moment) and focused on your situation and…
  • motivation: you are driven to take adaptive action.

Taking adaptive action involves…

  • assessing: your situation in terms of its validity or the match between what is happening and your perception of what is happening and …
  • choosing: deciding on a response that works for you and others in that situation (if there are others).

The action you feel compelled to take when you experience the emotion is the physical preparation your emotion is eliciting in you.

Let’s demystify the emotion of Anxiety

Anxiety is the emotion you experience when you are looking into the future and anticipate that a pending situation might go bad and result in a negative outcome.

Examples include:

  • Having to give a speech that might result in your looking bad, being ridiculed, making a horrible impression, etc.
  • Asking your boss for a raise and being turned down.
  • Going into an interview for a job or a promotion and botching it.
  • Asking someone out on a date and being rejected.
  • Expressing yourself in an important meeting and getting marginalized, criticized, or negatively mislabeled.

In each of the above examples, there are at least three possible outcomes…

  1. It could lead to a disaster.
  2. It might not go exactly as you want but it isn’t a disaster, you learn from your mistakes and you do better next time.
  3. It could result in success.

The reason anxiety is a so-called negative emotion is that it leads us to withdraw from the situation in order to avoid the negative outcome we assume will happen if we participate in that situation.

This is called “anxiety as distress”.

And, it can be debilitating.

Anxiety as distress happens because…

  • we assume the worst,
  • act as-if it is the only possible outcome and then
  • withdraw to avoid that undesired outcome.

To put it another way.. we ask ourselves the question “What if I do XYZ (the situation) and (the undesired outcome) happens?” And the answer we give ourselves confirms our worst concerns and strengthens the desire to avoid that outcome.

Or, in other words…

  • I’ll look like an idiot.
  • My reputation will be ruined.
  • I won’t be able to find that perfect job.
  • I’ll get fired.

While these negative outcomes are possible, it never occurs to us that there are two other possible (or even probable) outcomes…

  1. The assumed negative outcome never happens
  2. Our preparation leads to a desirable outcomeSo, how do we master anxiety as a strategic tool?

First some definitions..

Master: become so familiar with the tool that you know how it works and how to make it work for you.

Strategic: applying the tool to the specific situation in such a way that it both matches the situation in which you are deploying it and accomplishes what you need it to do.

An example from your own experience..

When you started your current job, you didn’t really feel that you knew what you were doing.  You may have been somewhat slow or tentative in your work, maybe asked a lot of questions etc.  As you spent more time doing what you do, you began to master the job in that you understood what you do, did it more successfully and found ways to do it even better (strategy).

That is mastery.

As a tool, anxiety is a future based tool which alerts you to a situation which MIGHT be problematic for you and prepares you to take action which preserves your safety in dealing with that situation.

The key to mastering anxiety involves how you choose to view that situation and what you do to “protect” yourself as you face that situation.

So, if you view the future situation as a certain disaster, avoidance might be an appropriate response.  This is anxiety as distress I noted above.

But, what if you view your anxiety as a warning beacon alerting you to the need to take action to prepare for the situation you are facing?

This is anxiety as eustress and is exactly what you need to do to master your anxiety.

This, by the way, is what my successful students do regarding any upcoming exam.  They get anxious about the exam and use that nervous energy to motivate them to study.

There are two interventions for dealing with anxiety.

  1. Turning a disabling “what if” into an enabling “if–then”!

So, in each of the above examples, your anxiety can motivate you to prepare.

  • You can write and get feedback on your speech.
  • You can role-play an interview.
  • You can think about future actions you might take if your idea, your proposition (asking for a date or a raise) isn’t accepted.
  • You can gather all your facts before you speak up in that meeting.

When you prepare, the calculus changes..

  • If I (prepare and have my ducks in a row), then (it is likely that things will go my way)

and

  • if (they do not go my way), then (I have a plan for my next move).

2. Survival

You need to at least think about the possibility that the situation could end in disaster.

You do this by asking yourself this question…

“If the worst possible outcome happens, can I survive it?”

The answer will in the vast majority of situations be “yes”.

If you know you will survive even though it may involve disruption or discomfort, you no longer have to avoid it at all costs.

When you are prepared, you still have no assurances that the situation will go your way, but you can anticipate that you will both survive the situation and be in a better position in your next encounter.

That is mastering anxiety.

 

 

Four Benefits You Get When You Master Your Emotions as Strategic Tools.

I have written extensively in this space about what emotions are (just tools) and how to strategically deploy (master) them as tools in your life to improve your life and your relationships.

My last few posts focused on giving you a roadmap for making (and successfully moving forward with) any desired changes in your life in the coming year.

Here is my challenge for you…

If you have not successfully mastered your emotions AND doing so was not on your list of desired changes, ask yourself this question..

EXACTLY WHAT IS THE REASON (or reasons) I AVOIDED CHOOSING TO MASTER MY EMOTIONS AS TOOLS IN 2023?

  • too hard
  • hasn’t been a problem so far
  • don’t know where to start
  • other ______________

Let me address each of these right up front.

  • too hard

Yes, mastering your emotions may very well be hard.  But, it is always doable.

  • hasn’t been a problem so far

If this means that you are comfortable with effectively expressing your emotions and assertively dealing with the emotions of others, great.  Then perhaps all you need to do is revisit the Index tab above and fill in any gaps in your knowledge with past blog posts.

If, however, this means that you haven’t yet been challenged by your emotions then perhaps the saying “Dig the well before you need the water.” is appropriate and you should learn to master your emotions so that you are prepared when this skill is needed.

  • don’t know where to start

Okay, this may be an issue now, but  I’ll point you toward some previous blog posts which will get you started once you have decided that getting started in in your best interest.

  • other ______________

I can’t address what I don’t know.  I can, however, tell you that it is entirely possible that I have addressed just about any issue which you might have.  With this in mind, I suggest you click on the Index tab above and browse through past posts to find the information you require.

With your reasons for avoiding mastering your emotions out of the way, let’s move forward.

There are numerous studies that make it clear that we only change our behavior when we wish to get a reward or we wish to avoid some pain.

  • Avoiding pain is a good short term motivator.
  • Getting a benefit is a better long term motivator.

As we enter a new year, I  want to take a moment to revisit the benefits you will get when you learn to master your emotions.

If there is a specific pain you want to avoid that is connected to how you interact with your emotions, then I suggest you flip that pain on its head and think of how your life will be enhanced when you learn to master your emotions as tools. This becomes a benefit.

So, here is my second question for you…

What are the payoffs you will get when you learn to master your emotions as tools?

Here are four benefits to mastering your emotions as tools.

  1. You gain more control over your life.
  2. You feel empowered to strategically deal with situations as they come up.
  3. You have more options in choosing how you will respond to situations you encounter.
  4. You become more adept at effectively dealing with others and improving your relationships.

Let’s dive deeper into each benefit.

You gain more control over your life.

Have you ever used the navigator app on your phone or in your car?  I have.

You set a destination and the navigator tells you when to turn, auto corrects if you make a mistake, and guarantees that you will arrive at your destination.  It isn’t perfect and sometimes you have to intervene, but most of the time its pretty good.

The navigator gives me a sense of control in that I know I can get to my destination.

Mastering your emotions is in some ways similar to your navigator.

Your emotions…

  • inform you of how you are perceiving your situation and,
  • give you an alert when what you are experiencing isn’t in alighnment with where you think your life should be,
  • give you an opportunity to make a correction if that is needed.

Examples include:

(now) anger

  • informs you that you perceive a threat (in the present moment) to your integrity, goals, well-being, beliefs and so forth
  • prepares you to go to war to reestablish your boundaries, if necessary.
  • prevents you from feeling, or being, victimized by others.

Mastering anger gives you the opportunity to validate your anger and motivates you to assess the match between your perception and your reality and choose the most adaptive response to strategically  impact your situation.

(future) anxiety 0r worry

  • informs you of a possible threat (in the future) which might require your attention and action (just like you navigator which tells you about upcoming traffic)
  • gives you the opportunity to assess the relevance and likelihood of the threat and motivates you to take action to prepare for it (An example is preparing for an upcoming job/promotional interview.)

Again..mastering anxiety gives you the opportunity to assess the match between your perception and your reality and choose the most adaptive response to strategically  impact your situation.

(past) guilt 

  • informs you that you have violated your own values
  • gives you the opportunity to reassess your actions and choose the most effective way to right any wrong you committed including apologizing and changing the way you do things.

Mastering guilt gives you the opportunity to make amends for past actions. so that you can move forward in your life and your relationships.

Relationships

When you learn to master your own emotions, you empower yourself to improve your relationships with others.

There are several reasons for this…

  • Learning to read the emotions of others gives you important insights into how they are perceiving their interactions with you.
  • This insight allows you to choose how you want to strategically interact with another person based on the direction you want the relationship to take including validating and clarifying the perception so that the emotion does not highjack the situation.  The end result is that the person feels understood, the situation is defused and the relationship is strengthened. This process makes it a win-win interaction for you and the other person.
  • All of this happens because you have learned to master emotions by validating the emotion, heeding the message of the emotion and the insight it gives you into how the other person perceives the situation, and choosing an adaptive response to move the relationship forward.

You can learn to master your emotions as tools and here are some past posts from my blog TheEmotionsDoctor.com to help you get started.

There are over 225 posts all of which are directly accessible through the Index tab.  

Getting started. (earlier posts)

Why you might dislike having emotions.

Facts about emotions you probably didn’t know. Part 2: The Functions of emotions 1 through 5.

Facts about emotions you probably didn’t know. Part 3: Functions of emotions 6 through 10.

5 Steps to Master Any Emotion as a Strategic Tool

4 part series on anger. Part 1: Is it okay to be angry?

Love Mac and Cheese (LMAC): 4 Steps to Mastering Anger

You Verses Your Anxiety: 3 Secrets and 4 Steps to turn Your Inner “doom sayer” into an inner “motivator”. Part 1

2023 and the Changes You Have Chosen to Make.

Welcome back.

I hope you had a great Holiday season and Happy New Year.

Now that it is 2023, let’s get you back on track to use your emotions as tools to make some progress on the list you made in November, added to in December and will now use as a guide to changing your life in January.

At the end of last year you wrote 3 changes you want to make and 2-3 action steps per change to help you accomplish those changes.

As I to make the process of change slow and easy, I suggest you take 3 months for each change.

Or, to put it another way…one month per action step.

As you work on each action step, one of three “results” will occur.

1. You are feeling enthusiastic.

The message of enthusiasm is that you are enjoying what you are doing. Consequently,use the energy of the emotion of enthusiasm as motivation to keep going.

2. You are getting frustrated.

The message of frustration is that what you are doing isn’t working.

Using the Emotions as Tools Model, you need to validate (accept as a source of information) you emotion and assess its message as applied to your situation.

Are  you frustrated because you aren’t making as much progress as you think you should be making?  If so, give your self some slack and additional timer for each action step.  Okay, take another two weeks.

Maybe you frustrated because your action step is inadequate or poorly matched to the change you want to make.

In either case,  if you are still having challenges, perhaps you will need to make some adjustments to the action step.  If so, make some changes.

Or, perhaps, your frustration is informing you that the change you have designated as important to you is not as important as you originally thought.

This brings us to #3 which is the feeling of boredom.

3.You are getting bored.

Okay, the message of boredom is that the environment is no longer holding your atttention. The Emotions as Tools Model informs you that you need to understand the message of the emotion and choose an adaptive response.go for it.

If your boredom is informing you that you have completed the action step early and need to move on to the next step, well, go for it.

If, however, your boredom is informing you that the change you originally wanted to make is no longer relevant to your life, then you need to step back, reassess your life, and choose a new course.

The Emotions as Tools Model informs you that you strategically apply your emotions when you validate the emotion you are experiencing as a source of information (the message of the emotion), assess the importance and appropriateness of the message (how well does it apply to your situation), and choose an adaptive response.

To the extent that you have done this with the emotions you are experiencing, the changes you want to make in 2023 and the action steps you have devised, you will be in a position to move forward on your action steps or step back and reevaluate both the changes and the action steps, and utilize the energy of your emotions to  propel you forward to accomplishing what you want in 2023.

This is using your emotions as strategic tools.

You can do it.

My Holiday Greeting.

In my last post, I suggested that you put your list of changes you want to make in 2023 and your 2-3 action steps for each change away and jump into the Holiday Season. You will revisit this list in January.

I hope you did this.  If not, you can go back to my earlier posts and make the list later.  Just remember to do it.

That said…

I want to wish you and yours…

Happy Chanukah

or

A Very Merry Christmas

or

Happy Kwanza

And, of course…

Happy New Year.

Thankyou for staying with me, reading my posts, and, hopefully telling your friends and associates about this website so they can begin to master their emotions as strategic tools.

See you in January.

Ed Daube, Ph.D.,  The Emotions Doctor.

Just a reminder to revisit your list and write your action steps.

This post is a follow-up to my 11/9/2022 post in which I suggested that New Year’s resolutions didn’t work and that there was a more effective way to facilitate changing your life in 2023.

That being said, I am assuming that you are still serious about improving your life in the coming year.

So, let’s continue.

At the beginning of November, I suggested you think about 2-3 changes in some arena of your life that you believe would make your life better in 2023.

And, then, I suggested you write these changes down on paper.

If you haven’t made this list yet, no worries, take a moment sometime after you have read this post and make your list.

……….

Now that you have made your list, I am suggesting you take a few minutes during the next 10 days (12/7 to 12/17) to add 2-3 action steps that you can take that will move you forward in accomplishing the specific change you have indicated you will make in 2023.

These action steps should be doable by you.

Notice that I did not say that would insure that change.  If your action steps allow you to complete the change you’ve noted, great. Just moving you closer to that change is good  enough.  You can make some corrections later if you need to.

Hence, I said “move you forward” for three reasons.

  1. I am trying here to put you on a path that you can stay on.
  2. I know that making any progress will elicit the emotions of happiness, satisfaction, self-worth and others and
  3. The energy of these emotions will serve as a motivator to keep working on the change which is now more available to you.

This is using your emotions as strategic tools.

Once you have added 2-3 action steps to the 2-3 changes you will make in 2023, put the list away and jump into the Holiday season.

You will revisit this list in January when you can focus your attention on your action steps and move into 2023.

 

Happy Thanksgiving.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day.

If you can squeeze it in between too much food and too much TV, take a moment to think about everything you have in your life that has made your life better and which, were “it” not in your life would negatively impact the quality of the life you have.

Whatever comes to  mind for you, take a quick moment and allow yourself to be grateful for all you have in your life that makes your life what it is.

Express the gratitude as in “I am grateful for X, Y and Z.”

Once you’ve done this, feel free to resume overindulging.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

Using Your Emotions as Motivators to Changing Your Life: A new Approach to the Upcoming Holiday Season

YOU WANT TO MAKE SOME CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE IN 2023?  

  • Forget making resolutions.
  • Use the emotions of gratitude and anticipation as motivators.
  • Try a new approach starting TODAY.

Here is an overview of the process (Some dates are flexible.)

  • November 9, 2022: Introduction to a new approach to the Holidays
  • November 24, 2022: Thanksgiving Day
  • November 29 through December 10, 2022: Revisit your list.
  • December 25, 2022: Christmas Day
  • December 26 through December 30: Enhance your list (if you can).
  • January 1, 2023: New Year’s Day
  • January 9, 2023: Begin to change your life.

Today (11/9/22)

In two weeks, we will enter the Holiday Season with Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s.

A Different Approach

I’d like to suggest to you that, this year, you take a somewhat different approach  to the upcoming “Holiday Season” and these three holidays using your emotions as tools to change your life and your relationships.

The holiday season typically puts us in an upbeat mood.

This positive mood can be used as a motivator to pursue both the emotion of gratitude which is a powerful emotion and anticipation if there are aspects of our lives we would like to change.

Today, and for the next week, take a few minutes and think about 2 to 3 changes you could make in different arenas (personal, family, work, relationships, finances, health) of your life that, when done, will make your life better in some way.

Write down the changes you believe would be beneficial to you (notice I did not say “would like to make”.

Wanting to do something or liking something won’t go far as a motivator.  Being beneficial begins to engage your interest which is a motivating emotion.

Thanksgiving

Gratitude

For most of us, this holiday is about getting together with family, eating too much and vegging out in front of the TV.  All of this is good and doesn’t necessarily need any adjustments.

I am suggesting that you use this Holiday to really reflect on what you have to be grateful for in your life.

Whether you share this with your family or not is up to you.

This is a link to a post I wrote in 2019 specifically addressing the emotion of gratitude.

Here are some highlights..

According to an article posted on  positivepsychology.com, gratitude can:

  • help you make friends
  • improve your physical health
  • improve your psychological health
  • enhance empathy and reduce aggression
  • improve your sleep
  • enhance your self-esteem

November 29 through December 10, 2022….List of changes.

Once you have begun to express gratitude for all that is going right in your life …

you then use the “glow” that gratitude elicits and begin to think about those aspects of your life you want to change.

This sets you up for making a list of “changes” for 2023.  The “changes” you thought about earlier and wrote down now become your list.

Revisit your list and develop some action steps.

“No” to New Year’s Resolutions.

I don’t want you to make New Years resolutions as they do not work.

During the next few days, go back to your list and add 1-3 action steps for each item that are within your ability to accomplish. I did not say that they had to be easy.

Not Easy… But doable.

Anticipation

Because these steps are doable, the emotion of anticipation will kick in.

These action steps will turn your list into a plan of action by noting what you will need to do to make the changes you previously listed.

Once you have this updated and expanded list, put it away and get into the Christmas Spirit.

Between Christmas and New Years … 

Revisit your 2023 Action Plan and tweak it as needed.

Ask yourself these questions for each item.

  • What desirable changes will occur in my life when I successfully achieve (this change in my life)?
  • How will my life (relationships, job, family, health, finances) be improved when I successfully achieve (this change in my life)?
  • How will I know that I have begun to successfully achieve (this change in my life)?
  • What emotion can I anticipate I will experience when I successfully achieve (this change in my life)? Examples include: happy, accomplished, successful, secure (financially, relationships), etc.

Write your answers down for each item.

Note that just thinking about these changes in your life can elicit the emotions associated with those changes and serve as motivators.

January 1, 2023

Put the list away and welcome in the New Year.

January 9, 2023

Once your life gets back to “normal” (a week or so), take out your list and begin to take action on the first action step of your action plan.

Note:

If the week between Christmas and New Years was so hectic that you didn’t get to enhance your list, no worries.  You can begin this process now, without any guilt, because asking and answering these questions is, indeed, the beginning of your journey to changing your life.

If you follow all the steps listed above (to the best of your ability), you will be on your way to changing your life and using your emotions as tools to motivate you in that process.

 

 

Hidden Emotional Traps including: “As-if”, Castastrophising, and others

Note:

  • I’ve been doing a lot of podcasts recently in which I discuss the Emotions Cycle, Emotions as Tools and other relevant topics.
  • You can check out my podcast guest appearances by clicking this Google link…      Ed Daube podcasts.

In this post, I will discuss the topic of the emotional traps that exist as a direct result of the way the emotional cycle works and the often maladaptive way people react to the emotions they experience.

In the subconcious phase of the emotions cycle, including a constant scanning of one’s surroundings for threat and preparing your body to deal with that threat, the Amydala acts quickly and outside of your awareness. While this is by evolutionary design, the unintended consequences of this fast acting process is that you may be tempted to think that your emotions control you and the actions you take.

And, if you believe that your emotions dictate what you do, you do not assess the nature of the threat and you create a self-fulfilling prophesy in which the original perception of the event is incorrect, the actions elicited by that perception do not fit the situation, and you act as-if the emotion is, indeed, causing the behavior which is viewed as inappropriate .

When you act as-if your emotions control you and your behavior, you become vulnerable and leave yourself open to several emotional traps and the unwanted results of those traps including:

  • inappropriate behavior,
  • avoidable awkward interactions,
  • unneccary misunderstandings, and
  • escalating emotional whirlpools which can engulf you and isolate you from others.

Underlying Factors (all oof which are discussed in other posts)

The underlying factors which give rise to emotional traps include:

  • Part of the emotional cycle is unconscious.
  • Most of us don’t understand what emotions are, their purpose, or how they work.
  • We feel inadequate in dealing with our emotions. This inadequacy is experienced as being helpless.
  • Societal display rules seem to dictate what emotions are appropriate and which are unacceptable.
  • Accepting responsibility for our emotions and our actions is more difficult than avoiding that responsibility.

Emotional Traps.

Definition of an emotional trap

An emotional trap is a situation in which the poor handling of one’s emotions or feelings leads to  a worsening situation, escalating feelings, and a sense that there is no effective way to exit what is happening.

The emotional traps

While not an inclusive list, I will discuss 6 emotional traps  in this post.

  1. acting “as-if”. (This happened. It has to be the only explanation.)
  2. catastrophising (Worst case as the only case.)
  3. you vs I (Denying responsibility.)
  4. If only (This happened. Something else would have been better.)
  5. Shoulds (You failed to act in a certain way.)
  6. emotional whirlpools (Attempts to avoid uncomfortable feelings.)

Acting “as-if”. (This happened. It has to be the only explanation.)

All emotions originate as a perception which gives rise to a feeling which elicits a reaction which is strengthened by an explanation which might become a response.

To put it another way, you find yourself experiencing an emotion. In order to make sense of your situation, you “justify” the emotion with an explanation of what is happening to you. This is part of the emotions cycle.

The trap develops when you act as if that explanation is both correct and absolute in that it is the only explanation possible for your situation.

Road rage is an example.

You are driving and get cut off by another driver.  You instantly get angry, chase after the driver and give them a one-finger salute. As you are following them, you notice that they pull into the parking lot in front of a Hospital Emergency Room.

What happened is that you concluded that they intentionally cut you off and you reacted to the threat with an act of behavioral aggression. You never considered that there might be a reason for their erratic driving that had nothing to do with you.  You acted as-if the other driver was trying to kill you.

Catastrophising (Worst case as the only case.)

Catastrophising is a version of “as if” and happens when you follow one logical implication of your original explanation to the worst case possibility  and act “as-if” that possibility is the only possible outcome.

The trap happens because each logical step is the worst outcome possible and there is no attempt to consider other possible options.

As an example…

When I was in college, a med student jumped off of a building.  He survived and offered this explanation for his attempting suicide.

I failed my test in Organic Chemistry (fact).  Because I failed the test, I will get a bad grade in the class (a possibility). A bad grade in Chemistry will keep me out of med school (A very distant possibility). If I can’t get into med school, I will be complete failure and won’t be able to care for a family. (This is the ultimate catastrophe.) Being a failure in life is not acceptable so I will try to kill myself.(This is the as-if )

You vs I (Denying responsibility.)

This trap is an offshoot of the belief that our emotions control us.  The twist here is that you blame someone else for what you feel.

Examples include:

  • You made me angry.
  • If you hadn’t done (a, b, c), I would not have done (x, y, z).
  • I am (You name the emotion.) because everyone else is.

While the last point may be somewhat true because emotions can be contagious, the trap is that when we place the cause of our own emotions outside ourselves, we not only give away our own power but we also deny our responsibility both for the emotion and our own actions.

And, the truth is…

  • Your emotions originate with you.
  • You are always responsible for your actions.
  • If only (This happened.

If only  and “Shoulds” 

While both of these are offshoots of wishful thinking, if only’s (as in “If only I had..”) .if used as a possible learning exercise, can be effective.  If, however, an if-only becomes self-criticism or wishful thinking, it will likely be destructive.

The trap is that, while some other outcome might have been more acceptable, you did what you did.  Instead of validating the emotion, as it is, assessing its appropriateness to what is actually happening learning from your actions and setting yourself up to choose a more adaptive response next time, you get caught up in emotions such as anxiety, guilt or regret which can be disempowering and distracting if not mastered.

Shoulds (as in “I should have done (x, y, z).”) can be particularly insidious because they may imply blame and irresponsibility but offer no solutions. To the extent that a “should” becomes an IWBNI (It Would Have Been Nice If), you can learn from your past and change your behavior.

Emotional Whirlpools

This trap happens when you attempt to avoid a feeling that is either uncomfortable for you or culturally unsanctioned because of display rules.

The process is that you experience an emotion such as sadness (for a man) or anger (for a woman) and display a secondary emotion such as anger (for men) and sadness (for women).  This secondary emotion may lead you to do something you later regret or fail to do something that would resolve the situation.

The initial result is, perhaps  feeling guilt (I did something wrong.) or shame (There is something wrong with me.). These emotions are very uncomfortable and elicit more avoidance through secondary emotions.

The final result is an emotional whirlpool in which one  emotion leads to another which elicits a third and so forth. The process, because it starts with an appropriate emotion and moves to an inappropriate emotion, feeds on itself and is difficult to stop.

The Antidote

The roadmap to avoiding emotional traps is emotional mastery.

Emotional mastery involves accepting both that all emotions are adaptive and that you are the ultimate cause of your emotions all of which are elicited by how you perceive the situation in which you find yourself.

Once you acknowledge and validate the emotion you feel, you begin to master that emotion when you take a deep breath and a step from the o situation.  This creates psychological and physical safety.

You then assess the situation to determine the degree to which your initial perception matches what is actually going on.

The final step in mastering the emotion is to choose an adaptive response to the situation and either let the emotion pass or use the energy of the emotion as a motivator to resolve whatever needs to be corrected.

The bottom line is that emotional mastery facilitates being open to and honest about you emotions. This short-circuits all of above emotional traps and sets you up to more effectively deal with negative situations and improve your relationships with others.