Category: Mastering Emotions as Tools

This is the third and final post in this series covering the four steps of the Emotional Mastery Cycle (EMC).

Step #1 called your attention to the importance of being aware of how your emotions manifest themselves physically in your body and reminded you that you needed to learn, or become aware of, how your emotions communicate with you.

Step #2 discussed the role of the emotional action readiness in preparing your body to take directed action against a perceived threat and cautioned that, while our emotions prepare us to face survival based threats, most of our threats, today, are psychological in nature. Consequently, we need to manage our action readiness and lower our energy level.

Your management efforts involve two steps both of which were discussed.  These steps were to take a deep breath and take a physical step back from the threat.

Finally, the discussion of Step #2 noted that managing the emotional process only occurs in Step #2 as emotional mastery is our goal and gave you the reasons for this.

In this post, I will discuss the final two steps of the EMC…

Step #3:  Understand the message of each emotion and assess the match between your emotion and the situation in which you find yourself.

As I’ve discussed in several earlier posts, each emotion communicates a different message based on the nature of the “threat” that is perceived and the physical preparation needed to deal with that “threat”.

Emotional mastery involves understanding this message by reading your body (step #1) and using this information assess your situation.  Your assessment involves comparing the actual nature of the threat with your initial perception (as manifested in the message of the emotion).

Here are some examples of the messages of specific emotions:

• Anger: The threat is real and you can eliminate it by throwing enough force at it.  Anger prepares you for war.
• Anxiety: Anxiety is a future based emotion. There is a possible threat which could have severe negative consequences.  Anxiety prepares you to either freeze or take the necessary steps to prevent the threat from happening.
• Sadness: Sadness informs you that you have sustained a significant loss. Sadness prepares you to withdraw, heal your wounds, and move on.
• Fear: Fear is a here and now emotion which tells you that you are facing an eminent threat that will significantly harm you.  Fear prepares you to escape.
• Joy: Joy, or happiness, informs you that you are facing a situation which brings you pleasure.  Joy prepares you to engage.
• Here is a link to a post on Jealousy and envy.
• Here is a link to a post on Guilt and Shame.

In comparing the actual situation with the perceived threat, you need to ask some important questions.  And, you need to remain open to the answers.

Some examples of questions to ask….

About the situation

• What do I believe is going on here?
• How would an independent observer view this situation?
• Have I possibly misunderstood what was said/done?
• Could I be missing something here?
• If I am correct in my assessment of the threat, what is the real risk to me, if any, of this threat?

About Your Feelings

• Does the intensity of my feelings match the situation?
• Do I have several feelings I need to consider?
• What are my options for expressing my feelings?
• Are there “display” issues I need to consider?

About the Other Person

• What interpretations or judgements am I making about the other person and what he/she is doing?
• How does the other person perceive what is going on?
• What is the other person trying to accomplish here?
• Could his/her actions be the result of a lack of ability to express his/her needs in a more appropriate way?

About What You Can Do

• What actions can I take to possibly defuse the threat?
• What actions do I want to take?
• What are the consequences of each option?
• What result am I hoping for?
• What if I do nothing?

Other Important Links

• Here is a link to a post which discusses the advantages of asking “What” vs “Why“.
• Here is a link to a post which discusses what questions to ask when you get angry. There are questions about the situation, your own anger, the other person’s anger and your response.

You may have to solicit input from both the other person in the interaction or a third party to get the information you need.

Once you are satisfied that your assessment is complete in that you have as close to an objective view of what is going on in your situation as you can get, you are ready to move on to Step #4.

Step #4: Choose and implement an adaptive response.

Based on your assessment of your situation, you can make a plan to adaptively deal with what is going on.

An adaptive response is one that improves your situation and, as much as possible, that of the other person you are dealing with.

Finally, you can implement your plan.

Note: I hope this series has been helpful to you.  If it has, please help me reach more people with this free resource by recommending and including links to this blog in your emails and social media.

Thanks.

This is the second of three posts covering the Emotional Mastery Cycle (EMC)

In my last post, I introduced the 4 steps of the EMC.

To review, here are the 4 steps.

1. self-awareness
2. manage your own readiness
3. understand the message of each emotion and assess the match between your emotion and the situation in which you find yourself
4. choose and impliment an adaptive response

In learning how to master your emotions, it is important to know that emotions have two primary functions.

Two Primary Functions of Emotions

1. They alert us  to the presence of an emotionally significant event (ESE).
2. They prepare our bodies to deal with the ESE.

In my last post, I addressed the first function of emotions when I spoke about learning to be aware that you were experiencing an emotion,

In this post, I will focus on Step #2 which looks at the process by which our emotions prepare us to take action to deal with a perceived threat.

Emotional Action Readiness and the EMC

As I mentioned in my last post, the emotional process is very quick and evolved to prepare our ancestors to face threats which would kill them. I  call these survival based threats.

This preparation is the same for us today as it was for our ancestors.

Part of that preparation involves..

• an increase in heart rate,
• a narrowing of one’s focus so that attention could be directed to the threat and distractions could be minimized and
• a channeling of the blood flow to the large muscles in case our ancestors needed to escape flee from the threat.

Other changes also occur.

Nico Fridja described these physical changes as an emotional action readiness because our emotions prepare our bodies to respond to a variety of threats.

The body is prepped for action.

However, and this is critical,…

how we choose to unleash this action readiness depends on the specific threat and the specific emotion that threat elicits.

For our ancestors, every threat was survival based.  Consequently, the emotion, and the action they were prepped to take, were always in sync.

In other words, the emotion always matched the threat.

For you and me, however, nearly all of the threats we face are psychological in nature.

Psychological threats involve our goals, our view of the world, our egos and so forth.  And, while psychological threats are important, they are not fatal.

The challenge is that our brains do not, initially, distinguish between a survival based and a psychological threat.

All threats are treated as survival based.

The implications of responding to all threats as if they were survival threats include:

• We can’t assume that just because we feel like there is a threat that a threat exists.
• The very real possibility that we are incorrect in our initial assessment of the threat.
• We might engage in an action our emotions prep us for and do something that is inappropriate based on our initial misinterpretation of the threat.
• We need to learn to match our response to the situation.
• This requires a more flexible approach to our emotions.

This is where step #2 of the EMC comes in.

Step #2 of the EMC:  Manage Your Readiness

It is important to point out that Step #2 advises you to manage your readiness. 

To put this another way, step #2 involves lowering the energy level the emotion creates in your body.

Your emotions are designed to both focus your attention on and motivate you to take some action to deal with the perceived threat.  By definition, then, your emotions generate, or energize, you to take significant directed effective action to nullify or eliminate the threat.

The specific action that is energized varies with the emotion.

For example…

• anger energizes you to go to war.
• sadness motivates you to withdraw so that you can heal
• anxiety, as a future based emotion, motivates to take effective action to prevent the perceived threat

The challenge in mastering your emotion is that, if you are overwhelmed by the readiness to take a specific action, you can’t focus your attention on assessing or understanding the emotion and the nature of the threat that emotion is highlighting.

So, you need to manage your readiness to act or your emotional energy level.

Let me give you an example.

As I am writing this, Russia has amassed an Army on the Border of Ukraine.  The US and NATO are energized to take massive action should Russia invade Ukraine.  Both sides are set to act.  Should one country do something that may be misinterpreted as an “offensive” action, the whole situation will escalate out of control very fast.

An attempt is being made to diplomatically reduce the State of Readiness and the resultant threat level.

As applied to your emotions, there are two steps involved in this process.

First of all, as soon as you become aware that you are experiencing an emotion, you need to take a deep breath, or two, elicits a lowering of your emotional reactivity level.

An Effective Deep Breath (4-4-4)

An effective deep breath involves inhaling to a count of four, holding your breath for a count of four, and exhaling to a count of four.  Different writers may use a different count but keeping it consistent makes it easier to remember.

It Takes Practice

It is important to note that you will have to “practice” this process so that when you do experience an emotion, it will occur to you to take a deep breath.  To practice this, whenever you experience an emotion (regardless of its intensity) take a deep breath. You will begin to associate a deep breath with emotional mastery.

A Physical Step Back

Secondly, if warranted, take a physical step back from the situation. This  provides you with some physical distance between you and the emotional situation.

Manageing vs Mastering

Reducing, or managing, your emotional readiness is, in my opinion, the only part of the EMC where the idea of managing your emotions is appropriate.

The idea of managing an emotion implies controlling that emotion.  While other writers may recommend controlling an emotion as in managing your anger (anger management courses), I speak about mastering your emotions.

There are three reasons for this..

1.The idea of managing an emotion implies that you have some kind of control over, or that you should seek to control, your emotions.

I believe that the idea of controlling your emotions is misleading because controlling an emotion, while possible in the short run, can’t be maintained unless you are professionally trained to do so (think Navy Seals).

2.Secondly, the idea of controlling an emotion implies that you can eliminate emotions you don’t like.

Eliminating an emotion is misleading both because you can’t do it and because you wouldn’t want to.

3.I believe that all emotions are tools that need to be mastered.

Mastery involves learning what the tool does and developing a specific skill set that enables you to get the most out of the tool and all it was designed to do.

I have seen, both in person and on videos, professionals accomplish tasks with tools, such as power saws, that I would never thought were possible.  I can use my power saws to cut lumber in a variety of ways.  But, I would never call myself either professional or creative with my saws. In other words, I am an amateur and have not really mastered my saws.

It is the same way with emotions.

I teach people how to master their emotions as tools and I do consider myself a professional when it comes to emotions.

No-one is perfect so stay with it.

However, while most of the time, I have mastered my emotions, to be honest, sometimes my emotions do get the best of me.  For a while…..

That said, there is a place for managing the emotional process.  And that place is Step #2 of the EMC.

 A Final Note

The unconscious fast nature of the EMC is often assumed to mean that our emotions control us. This “control” is used as an excuse to justify inappropriate behavior.  Spousal abusers, for example, will claim “If you hadn’t done XYZ, I wouldn’t have (hit, abused, mistreated) you.”

This is an attempt to avoid responsibility for one’s actions.

The truth is that we all have a choice about how we respond to our emotions.  (This is what Steps #2 and #4 are all about.)

Emotions prepare us for action.  They never force us to do anything.

And, that takes us to the final two steps in the EMC which I will address in my next post.

 

 

 

This my 201st and first post of 2022.

Going into 2022, for your convenience, I have made it very easy for you to access all of my previous posts with 3 clicks.  

1. Clicking on the INDEX tab above will give you a drop down menu of the categories under which my posts are listed.
2. Clicking on the CATEGORY will give you a list of all the posts in that category.  
3. You then can click on the specific TITLE and you will be redirected to the post you want.

It is that simple.

And, now, the Emotional Mastery Cycle (EMC)…

The main underlying message in all of my posts is that everyone can learn to master their emotions as strategic tools.

The process of mastering emotions is described by the emotional mastery cycle.

While it is a little more complicated in its entirety, the emotional mastery cycle (EMC) can be summarized in 4 steps.

In  the next  three posts, I will discuss the EMC in detail.

My goal is to provide you with the information you need to, at the very least, begin to master your emotions in 2022.

The 4 steps are:

1. self-awareness
2. manage your own readiness
3. understand the message of each emotion and assess the match between your emotion and the situation in which you find yourself
4. choose an adaptive response

Step 1 of the EMC: Self-awareness

Basically, all emotions start with your subconsciously scanning your surroundings.

When a threat is perceived, it is automatically labelled an “emotionally significant” event (ESE) because it represents an event that is important to you for some reason. Importance could involve a physical or psychological threat or a situation which commands your attention because it is interesting, engaging or unique.

It is important to note that you determine the criteria for labelling an  event as a threat.  You also need to know that you may, or may not, be immediately aware of those criteria.

Physical (or survival based) Threat

A  physical threat could involve an assault on your body, or a situation involving pending or existent damage to your physical possessions, financial well-being.  A physical threat is perceived as imperiling some aspect of your survival as an individual (or family). The threat may be actual or implied.

Psychological Threat

A psychological threat involves an actual or implied compromising of your values, your plans, your goals, your dreams, or your self-esteem/self-worth.

An ESE may be “real” in the sense that it is clearly identifiable by you or by an observer.

Or, it can be identifiable only by you.

The ESE may also be “real” only to you and exist only in your imagination.

The specific “status” of the ESE is irrelevant if the emotional part of your brain (your Amygdala) subconsciously recognizes and reacts to the an ESE and subconsciously elicits a  physical reaction in your body.

This subconscious process is very fast, is outside of your awareness and is the basis for people (incorrectly) believing that their emotions control them.

The emotional process evolved to allow our cave ancestors to quickly react to a threat, which for those cave dwellers, was a survival based threat which would kill them.

Our cave dwelling ancestors didn’t have to master their emotions. They only needed to recognize a threat and take effective action. The reason for this is that all of the threats our ancestors faced were survival based. They either nullified the threat or they died.

You and I, however, are in a different situation.  The threats we face today are usually psychological threats to our goals, our egos, our quality of life etc.

So, we need to master our emotions and this mastery process begins with self-awareness.

We need to learn to recognize, identify and label the physical reactions elicited by our subconscious.

In this post, I will help you navigate through Step 1 of the EMC.

Step 1 of the EMC: Self-awareness

In this post, I will help you begin to become aware of your physical reaction to an emotionally significant event.

Some people are keenly aware of their bodies.  Others, not so much.

The physical changes in your body that may indicate an emotion include:

• the tightening of specific muscle groups,
• a change in perceived temperature in your body (hot or cold),
• an alteration in a “physical” system such as breathing,
• stomach churning

There can also be behavioral changes which can seem to spontaneously occur in reaction to an ESE.  These changes include (but are not limited to):

• rate of thinking (increasing or decreasing) or
• a noticeable change in behavior that is not typical of you (there are examples below)

The goal is to become aware of any significant changes and be able to determine if there is a connection to a specific emotion.

Below are 4 exercises you can use to help you connect your physical reactions to specific emotions.

Exercises #1 is the most important so do that one first.  After you’ve spent some time with #1, you can move on to #2, #3 and #4.

Exercise #1: Your Body-Your Reaction: A checklist

Take a moment and focus your attention on your body.  Go through the checklist below and try to recall if this “body part” gives you any information that an emotion is trying to grab your attention.

A checklist..

Forehead

(tightening or a headache)

Eyes

(tears, tightening around the eyes)

Mouth

(“forced” smiling, tightening, dryness, clenched teeth)

Breathing

(any noticeable changes including speeding up, slowing down, shortness of breath or holding your breath)

Cheeks

(flushed, warm)

Neck

(muscles tightening)

Shoulders/back

(tightening)

Hands

(clenched, white knuckles, sweaty palms)

Changes in body temperature

(feeling cold, warm or hot)

Changes in energy level

(decrease or increase)

Changes in behavior

(actions that are not typical for you such as withdrawing from, clinging to, or becoming verbally or physically aggressive toward others, sleeping excessively, blaming others, self-harm, drug/alcohol abuse)

Other

(it’s your body so you name the physical changes)

Exercise #2:

Try to recall (as vividly as possible) a situation in which you felt a specific emotion such as “stressed” (anxiety), angry, happy, sad, frustrated, guilty, or surprised.  Imagine each emotion separately.  As you “relive” each event, you may find your body reacting as it does when those feelings are present. Note any physical sensations you experience during this exercise.

Exercise #3:

Ask a friend who both knows you well and who you trust if they have ever noticed how you react when you experience the above emotions.  Sometimes, others know us better than we know ourselves.

Exercise #4:

In real time as you experience an emotional event, try to connect the emotion, your body and the event.

Keep in mind that learning about your body involves new learning and takes both time and practice.

…….

Once, you become adept at knowing how your body informs you that you are facing an emotional situation, you are now in a position to master your emotions as tools and strategically deploy those emotions to improve your life and your relationships.

You are ready to move on to Step #2 of the Emotional Mastery Cycle which I will cover in my next post.

 

 

 

This is a question that I received via the website Quora.

I chose to reproduce the question here and add additional comments which were not included in my Quora response because I believe it addresses some important points.

It is an interesting question because it reflects a common misunderstanding about the relationship between one’s intellect, the thinking part of your brain (the cerebral cortex) and one’s emotions, the emotional part of a your brain (the Amygdala).

The misunderstanding is the belief that emotions are subordinate to, or controlled by, the intellect.

As readers of this blog, you know that the intellect and the emotions are both critical to the process of learning to master your emotions as tools.

The emotional cycle…

First, a quick review of the emotional cycle..

All of us constantly scan our surroundings for threat and when we perceive a threat, we automatically go into fight/flight/freeze mode.

The emotional process..

This is a primitive emotional process mediated through the Amygdala which humans have done since we lived on the Savannah. The process evolved to work quickly and without our having to think about it.  The purpose of this scanning and preparation process was to insure our survival as a species.

Note: The speed and automatic nature of this process is the basis for people to believe that their emotions control them.

This is a myth in that the automatic emotional process only prepares one for action. It does not determine what one does beyond fight/flight/freeze.

The intellectual process..

As our brains developed more capacity to think and analyze (mediated through the Cerebral Cortex), we developed the ability to analyze our situation and choose the best adaptive response to the situation.

Hense, the emotional cycle involves  an emotional reaction in which our emotions inform us through physical sensations in our bodies that a possible threat exists and prepare us for possible action and our intellect intervening to give us the opportunity to assess the situation and choose an adaptive reponse.

The intellect and the emotions are intimately  interrelated.

The original question…

So, let’s dig a little deeper into this question.

It contains at least 3 underlying assumptions..

1. There is some level of cognitive ability that can be labelled as “intellectually strong”
2. There is an implied dichotomy between one’s intellectual abilities (however these are defined) and one’s capacity to deal with emotions.  In other words, you are either emotional or you are intellectual.
3. There is such a concept as “emotional weakness”.

Regarding the first assumption….

While we can measure a person’s intellect, and it is true that some people are more intelligent than others, the ability to master one’s emotions as tools does not require an exceptionally high intellectual ability. Consequently, as I see it, being “intellectually strong” is largely irrelevant in the context of dealing with one’s emotions.

Regarding the second assumption..

In the original Star Trek series, the character Mr. Spock, a Vulcan, prided himself on his ability to repress all of his emotions and make decisions solely on the basis of his intellectual ability to analyze the facts and make a decision.

Today, people still assume that they need to use their intellect to control their emotions.

Controlling one’s emotions both didn’t work out well for Spock when he had to deal with his human crew and doesn’t work today as emotions have a way of getting expressed unless we learn how to master the emotion by heeding its message and strategically using its energy to adaptively deal with the situation in which we find ourselves.

So, while you can force yourself not to outwardly express your emotions, the energy underlying your anger, sadness, or anxiety will express itself in some manner.  This could involve passive-aggressive acting-out, physical symptoms, or anything else in-between.

This is where emotional mastery comes in.  Mastery involves acknowledging the emotion and strategically deploying the energy of the emotion.

While you may choose not to outwardly express the emotion because you may expose yourself to too much risk, there is no control of or repressing the emotion.

Regarding the third assumption…

Unless one considers themself “weak” in their ability to get the most out of their cell phone, computer, table saw or TV remote (all of which are tools), I don’t believe there is such a “thing” as “emotional weakness”.

One is either capable of utilizing their tools and making them work as desired or they are not. In the latter case, they need to either read a manual or get some instruction.

It is the same with emotions because emotions are just tools!

So, given the above, because my questioner asked the question, his intellectual “strength” vis-a-vis his emotions, is more than up to the task.

The issue, then, becomes the extent to which one is able to master their  emotions.

Based on the nature of this question, I assumed that the person who asked it has some doubts about his relationship to his emotions.

Note: The questioner is a male.

My recommendations…

My recommendation to the questioner was that he consult the manual.

The information on this blog is the manual for emotions.

I also noted that the best way to access the information in the Blog was to click on the INDEX tab.

The Index gives him access (with one click) to all my posts by category, date and title.

I then suggested going to the Mastering Emotions as Tools section first, clicking on any title that grabbed his attention so that he could get his basic education about what emotions are, why we have them, and what emotional mastery involves.

He could then go to specific emotions such as anger and explore further.

You can do the same thing if these are issues that relate to you.

We interrupt this 4-part series for a special Independence Day message.  The last post in this series will be published in two weeks.

This Sunday (July 4) we, in the US, will celebrate Independence Day. It is often a fun Holiday marked by fireworks and outdoor barbecues.

This year, I am suggesting you celebrate our country’s independence (#1), your independence from the covid-19 virus (#2) and your independence from your emotions (#3).

So, what does “independence” mean?

To the extent that you are “independent”, you are capable of making your own decisions, creating your own destiny, and taking control of your own life to impact the directions in which you want to go and the relationships you wish to create and nurture.

1. Our country fought the war of independence to get out from under the onerous rule of the English Monarchy.  Independence meant being able to    determine our own destinies.
2. Regarding the Covid-19 virus, your independence, if you have taken the vaccine shots, may mean that you are now free to hug your grandkids, meet in your home in small groups, go shopping, or have a meal in a restaurant. And, you may declare your independence from  the Covid-19 emotions of anxiety, anger, grief, helplessness, depression, etc. This will take us to #3.
3. Now, you may wonder what I mean by celebrating your independence from your emotions.

Well, as a reader of this blog, you know that I write about strategically using your emotions as tools to improve your life and your relationships.

To the extent that you are doing this, you are independent of your emotions.

Many people, however, believe that their emotions control them.

This belief stems from their experience that emotions seem to just happen and to just happen to them.  As I have explained in the Emotional Mastery Cycle, the unconscious reaction to a perception of threat does happen very quickly and is beyond one’s control.  This is a survival mechanism and evolved to protect us.

But, and this is crucial, another part of the Emotional Mastery Cycle is the activation of the Cerebral Cortex or thinking part of the brain.  The Cerebral Cortex empowers you to decide how you want to utilize and strategically deploy the energy the emotion provides.

Hence…..

Your emotions do not control you.  

They alert you, inform you, and motivate you.  But, you always have a choice about how you will respond to the situation in which you find yourself.

So, if you believe that your emotions control you, then, maybe, this July 4, is your opportunity to declare your independence from your emotions.

I have written numerous blog posts talking about what emotions are and how to strategically deploy them as tools.

In this post I want to list, for you, the 7 steps to emotional independence.

Step 1: Declare, regardless of how you feel about them, that “Emotions are ONLY tools.”.

Step 2: Declare that you can learn how to use a tool.

Step 3: Pick a specific emotion you want to learn how to use and write down any questions you may have about that emotion and the control it feels, to you, that it exerts over you.

Step 4: Hit the Index tab in the upper right hand corner of this homepage, open up the Index PDF and pick a post which seems to address your major questions about that emotion.

Step 5: Using the information from the posts you have read regarding the specific emotion you want to learn to use (become independent of), decide what new decisions you need to make regarding how you relate to that emotion.

Step 6: Make a Plan and a Commitment to yourself to make these decisions  and apply them in your life.

Step 7: Execute your Plan.

But, remember that making changes in your life takes time.  Be kind and supportive of yourself and you begin to establish that your emotions are there for you to deploy, as tools, to improve your life and your relationships.

Happy July 4th Independence Day!

Both self-control and effectively interacting with others require you to master your emotions as strategic tools.

This is a bold statement that you might find odd for at least two reasons:

1. While everyone talks about managing emotions, few authors talk about mastering emotions. (Mastering one’s emotions includes and goes beyond managing one’s emotions.)
2. Emotions are critical components in successfully dealing with issues that primarily involve you (self-control) and with issues that involve others (relationships).

Definition of emotional mastery: You master an emotion when you understand its message, take a moment to assess the validity of the message as it reflects upon what is actually happening, and choose a response that adaptively deals with the situation you are facing.

Widening the concept of a tool:

While you may not think of diverse objects in this way, you are surrounded by “tools” in your life.

• Your car is a tool to get you where you want to go.
• Your cell phone is a tool to complete a variety of tasks including, but not limited to, having a conversation with someone.
• Your TV remote is a tool you use to control how you consume content.
• Your computer is a tool.
• Your sewing machine is a tool.
• Your emotions are tools, the function of which is to alert you to and prepare you to deal with your surroundings

Each tool has a purpose.  To get the most out of the tool, you need to learn to master it.

Definition of “strategic”:

• carefully designed or planned to serve a particular purpose or advantage. (Oxford Languages)

To use a tool strategically involves both using the right tool for the job and using that tool in the right way.

Hence, you can use a hammer to pound a screw into a wall to hang a picture but a screwdriver is the right tool for the job.

I used to use my smartphone primarily as a phone.  This is the right use of the tool.

It is not strategically using the tool in the right way…I am now learning to use it as a camera, an internet portal, a storage unit which provides access to important articles and books, a stopwatch, a personal assistant (Siri), etc.

I think you get the idea.

Mastery and self-control: When you use your emotions as tools, you are now in a position to effectively respond to your surroundings. You are in control of you and you can choose responses which improve your life by effectively moving you forward toward, and motivating you regarding, goals that you set.

Mastery and interpersonal influence: You can master the emotions of others and deescalate an interaction by observing emotions in others, understanding how they perceive what is going on (the message of the emotion) and choosing a response which validates (does not approve) their perception and helps them to reevaluate their interactions with you.

This is a link to a video (and audio) of a podcast I did with Bernadette Boas.  Her Podcast is entitled “Shedding the Bitch Radio”

For readers of this blog, the “bitch” referred to above is any emotion that might be problematic for women.

When I learned of the podcast, I emailed Bernadette and suggested that the notion that women might want to eliminate or “shed” their emotions might disempower women and that I would welcome the opportunity to offer a different way for women to  view and strategically deploy their emotions as powerful tools.

While I do not present myself as a spokesperson for women, I do know about emotions.  Bernadette asked me to appear on her podcast.

I highly recommend this video both to you as my readers and to anyone you believe might benefit from it.

Yes, the focus is on women but men would also benefit from learning both how women perceive us (I am a man after all.) and how to more adaptively interact with women.

Throughout the podcast, Bernadette led the discussion and I responded to her questions with suggestions that she, as a woman, found useful.

She and I talked about a wide ranging variety of topics including:

• what emotions are
• the emotions cycle
• the “non-difference” between men’s and women’s anger
• how different “display rules” dictate what is emotionally “appropriate” for men verses women
• the emotion myths
• the power of anger
• how and why men demean or devalue women’s anger
• how women can strategically deploy their anger to effectively impact their interactions with men
• the Basic Relationship Rule as a key to understanding others and dealing with anger that is directed by men toward women
• a suggested strategy for dealing with others who are yelling at you and the reason this strategy is effective (it isn’t what you might think)

Here are the links to the audio and videos.  Feel free to pass them on.

I have discussed the Emotions Cycle (EC) in numerous previous posts.

This cycle describes both how the emotions we experience are elicited and how we can strategically deploy those emotions as tools.

Recall that the EC involves our constantly scanning our surroundings.

This unconscious process is:

•  protective in that we continuously  and automatically scan for any threats,
• informative as it alerts us to any situation which requires that we quickly take action to insure our “survival” and
• energizing as it automatically prepares our bodies to take the necessary action.

There are at least two basic categories of emotions: Survival based emotions and Engaging emotions.

1. The “survival” focussed emotions are primitive threat detectors and include emotions such as anger, fear, disgust, anxiety.  These primitive threat detectors prepare us for “fight or flight”.
2. The “engaging” emotions such as happy, anticipation, and excitement prepare us to enthusiastically interact  with what  is going on.

Once we experience an emotion, the conscious part of our brain kicks in and provides us with the opportunity to validate the emotion.

Validation involves:

•  accepting that the emotion is giving us information about how we perceive what is going on
• examining the extent to which our initial perception matches what is actually happening and
• matching the emotional response to the “reality” of what is going on in the situation.

Once, we determine the degree to which what we think is happening matches what is actually happening, we can choose how we want to respond to the situation.

The process of validating our emotions involves asking questions.

The Process of Asking Questions

While it sounds easy to “just ask questions”, the process of asking the right question in order to elicit useful answers isn’t easy as it involves:

• lowering your arousal level so that you can…
• focus on the situation at hand and
• remaining both mindful and somewhat objective, or detached, from that situation, so that you can…
• understand the nature of the informative answers you are seeking.

Indeed,  if we don’t ask the “right” questions, the answers we get won’t be of much use to us in generating an adaptive response to our situation.

The “right” question is the one that focuses your attention on, and attempts to gain insight into, what is actually going on in your situation that elicited the emotion you are experiencing.

So, let’s take a closer look at both the process of asking questions in the context of gaining insight into your situation by validating your emotions and exploring some examples of questions you might ask.

Step 1: Create safety.

Before you can effectively deal with any emotional situation, you have to create some “safety” in that situation.

So, the first step, which prepares you to ask questions, is to take a step back from what is going on and the second step is to take a deep breath.

The first step creates physical safety and the second creates psychological safety.  If your situation only involves you, then taking a deep breath, or two, is all you need to do.  The deep breath has a calming effect on the body and provides an opportunity for you to  increase your objectivity.  The more intense the emotion, the more problematic it will be to remain objective or “detached”.  But, it is doable and the more you work at maintaining some detachment, the easier it gets.

(Note: Remember that emotions and feelings are, in this context, the same thing.)

Step 2: Identify your initial feeling.

You can gain some insight into your emotional reaction by asking:

What am I feeling here?

The emotion you initially experience is elicited by your subconscious perception of what is going on.  It is influenced by the present environment, the other person’s behavior, perceived differences in status between you and the other person, your own past and any emotional “baggage” you may bring with you into the present.  This baggage can involve previous situations which seem (but may not be) to be similar to the present, your insecurities or doubts, your interpersonal skill sets, etc.

The important issue here is to remember that your initial emotional reaction may, or may not, be accurate.

It’s nice if only one feeling comes up but sometimes you may experience several (or mixed) feelings.

You will need to accept whatever answer comes up and avoid judging (in any way) what you are feeling.

Accepting the feeling is the first step to validating it.  You do this by remembering that:

• you are entitled to feel whatever you feel
• you may not be entitled to act on the feeling
• this is your initial reaction
• you will be exploring this feeling to see how well it fits the situation
• you can change the feeling.

Step 3: Clarify the situation.

You can gain some insight into the situation you are facing by asking:

What is actually happening here?

This is where you attempt to be as objective as you can.

This question encourages you to look at both what appears to be happening (your initial perception) and what might be happening (other ways to view your situation).

Other questions include:

• Could I be missing something here?
• What interpretations or judgements am I making about the other person and what he/she is doing?
• What is the other person trying to accomplish here?
• Could his/her actions be the result of a lack of ability to express his/her needs in a more appropriate way?

NOTE:

1. It is important to note that you are not excluding the possibility that your initial perception is accurate and that the other person’s behavior is both inappropriate and represents the actual threat your feeling is telling you exists.
2. By asking the above questions, you are either redirecting your thoughts so as to change how you perceive what is happening and your feelings about it or you are confirming your initial perception as a precursor to taking action.

Step 4: Bring your feelings in line with the situation.

This step involves aligning what you feel with what is going on.  Alignment will help you choose an adaptive response to your situation (Step 5).

Alignment asks:

To what extent does what I am feeling match what is going on?

Here, your intent is to bring what you are perceiving and feeling in line with what is actually happening.

Other questions you might ask include:

• Does the intensity of my feelings match the situation?
• Do I have several feelings I need to consider?

Now, that you have decided what is going on and how you feel about it, the next step choose an adaptive response.

Step 5: Choose an adaptive response.

The question you need to ask here is:

What is the best way for me to respond to what is going on?

What often happens when someone reacts to an emotional event is that they overreact, get a response from others they later regret, and blame the emotion for “causing” them to do what they did.

They might say, “If I wasn’t so angry, I would not have (done something stupid, acted out aggressively, hurt someone, etc.).  While it may be true that if the emotion were not present, the inappropriate action would not have occurred, it is NEVER true that the emotion CAUSED the inappropriate action.  What we do is ALWAYS our CHOICE!

Other questions you might ask here include:

• What are my options for expressing my feelings?
• Are there “display” issues I need to consider?
• What actions do I want to take?
• What are the consequences of each option?
• What result am I hoping for?
• What if I do nothing?

This 5 step process uses questions to move you through the Emotions Cycle.

Final notes.

You have now  completed the Emotions Cycle starting with your initial unconscious perception and ending with your conscious choice of what actions you want to take.

You did this by asking relevant questions, paying attention to the answers to those questions, changing your perceptions as dictated by those answers, and choosing an adaptive response.

 

I have written extensively about mastering emotions in both of my Amazon bestselling books and in multiple blog posts but I have not previously linked mindfulness with mastery.

To be honest, I have always known about, and discussed, the concept of mindfulness and I have written extensively about the unconscious aspect of the emotional mastery and  the process of choosing an effective response..

It did not, however, occur to me, until recently, that mindfulness would have a direct impact on both the unconscious perception of threat and the conscious choice of how to adaptively respond to the situation you might be facing.

Hense, the title of this post in which I refer to mindfulness as the “overlooked” key to emotional mastery.

First, some basic “definitions”.

Mindfulness

While there is a whole lot more to it, the basic underlying concept of mindfulness involves “being in the moment”. This means that your attention is focussed on what is happening to you now.

Most of us do not practice mindfulness.  

You have to consciously work at it.

Emotional Mastery

Again, while there is a lot more to it, the basic underlying concept of emotional mastery involves:

• acknowledging, and accepting, the “message” of the emotion,
• assessing the validity of the emotion
• choosing an adaptive response to the situation and using the “energy” of the emotion to carry out your chosen response

In my last post, I explained, in detail, the Anger Mastery Cycle (AMC).

While the AMC specifically deals with the emotion of anger, the three part process discussed in the AMC applies to all emotions. Rather than focus specifically on a given emotion, I will generalize the emotional process as the Emotional Mastery Cycle (EMC).

Mindfulness impacts every aspect of the EMC.

The EMC starts with the unconscious scanning of your surroundings for any  “threat”.  Once a threat is perceived, the brain puts the body on alert and prepares it to deal with the “threat”.

While the process is, indeed, unconscious..

• where you focus your attention and
• what you perceive as a threat

will often be influenced by what you are concerned about in the moment.

While not an exact fit, this example is illustrative of how your “focus” can change.

Think about the last time you were driving around in your car and didn’t really notice most of the fast food restaurants.  The next time, however, when you were driving in that same area,  you noticed almost every one of the restaurants.  The only difference was that, in the first case, you had just eaten and now, you were hungry.

Your “inner state” of hunger influenced what you saw even though all the restaurants were always there.

To put it another way, you are primed by your hunger to notice all the stimuli (restaurants) which were now significant, or relevant, to you.

An analogous situation exists with the scans you constantly make for threats.

Because most of the threats that modern man faces are psychological in nature and not survival based, the filters through which you subconsciously perceive your interactions with others will significantly impact how you interpret the situations in which you find yourself.

As an example, let’s say you have a history of being ignored, passed over, humiliated or taken advantage of by co-workers, superiors, siblings, significant others or friends.  Based on this history, you may be psychologically primed to perceive the actions of others as rejection.

Rejection is the filter through which you interpret any ambiguous interaction. Sometimes, others will be rejecting you and, at other times, you may just have misunderstood what others were saying, or doing, to you.

So, you go into work one day and you are sitting at your desk when your boss walks by you and says says nothing. Usually, he or she, acknowledges you in some way.

You find yourself getting both anxious and angry.

The message of anxiety is that you perceive a possible threat.  This might be the worry that you did something wrong, although you don’t know what, and your boss is upset with you.

The message of anger is that you perceive an immediate threat you need to fight.  In this case, your thinking might be that your boss has a lot of nerve ignoring you given all you’ve done for the company.  You’d really like to show him (or her)!

While either of these motivations on the part of your boss could be true, they are reactions which you are primed to conclude based on your past experiences either with your boss or with others in your sphere of influence.

The reality might very well be that he is preoccupied with some important issue that is consuming him and his actions have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Your interactions with others can be adversely impacted by:

• the filters through which you view your world, if based on previous maladaptive experiences,
• the conclusions you drew from those experiences, and
• the overly broad and automatic application of those conclusions to your current world.

And, the impact of these factors on your interpersonal interactions may be completely outside your immediate awareness.

This is where mindfulness comes in.

Acknowledging the emotion

The process of mastering an emotion starts with acknowledging the message of the emotion.  This is relatively easy if you are tuned into what your body is telling you.

You experience an emotion physically and you acknowledge it by noting:

• I’m angry.
• I’m pissed off.
• I’m annoyed.
• I’m worried.
• I’m embarrassed.

You get the idea.

Assess the emotion.

The next step is to assess the validity of the emotion.

This is where you compare what is going on in your interaction with others and how you are perceiving what they are doing.

This step requires you to consciously look at any of the filters which might exist and objectively (as much as you can) question what is actually taking place as opposed to how you are interpreting what is going on.

The questions you can ask include:

• Is my interpretation of what they are doing/saying the only possible explanation or could something else be going on?
• Could I be viewing their actions through an old (and outdated) filter?
• Is my interpretation consistent with their past actions?
• Could they (or I have misinterpreted) something that was said/done?

Notice how the questions are worded to raise doubt about your interpretation.

Spending time with and practicing both asking and answering these questions will help you to remain mindful in your interactions with others.

An important disclaimer:

Being mindful and “in the moment” is much easier said than done.

But, and this is CRITICAL…

It is doable.

Before you experience the emotion you are targeting as connected to your filter, remind yourself to be both keenly aware of the emotion and TO TAKE A DEEP BREATH as soon as you experience this emotion.

The deep breath will give you the time and the psychological distance to ask the above questions.

Mindfulness keeps you focused so that you will both ask the questions and listen to the answers.